He unzipped it, and he tried to look through some of the loose papers. “Nah, too dim,” he muttered. He hopped off of the bed and leaned over to the lamp. He paused. He didn’t see a cord. There wasn’t even a hole or something where a cord would have come from. He couldn’t spot any switches, toggles, dials, or anything else. He picked it up, and there was nothing underneath. The whole lamp looked perfectly smooth from all sides.
“Weeeeeird…” Raspberry said. He tapped the side of the lamp— nothing. He tapped the lampshade— nothing. Dammit. Stupid freaking pony world with your stupid freaking inefficient crap… He knocked the bottom of the lamp. Then, he turned it around and looked down the top. There was some kind of bulb in there, and that part at least seemed normal enough. Okay… so…
“On!” Raspberry shouted. “Okay then, how about… Light! Start! Run! Begin! Illuminate! Turn on! Program on! Program high! Operate!” He smacked his hooves against his face. Well, dammit, maybe I have to do more of that stupid, stupid magic. He shot both hooves into the air and tried to concentrate. The lamp became immersed in a purple aura, and then it tipped back over. Nothing else happened.
“Come on!” Raspberry yelled. He stared at the wall, and he could see fuzzy blotches begging to form at the corners of his eyes. “Oh, not THIS again!” He closed his eyes and collapsed onto the floor. He curled over to his side. He popped open his eyes again. He saw nothing except a smattering of glowing, sparkly marks. He closed his eyes again, and he began tasting that same ugly, metallic flavor.
He let out a low growl in pain. The metallic feeling flowed his mouth all through his insides. He beat the floor for a few seconds with all four hooves. He then heard a loud thud.
Raspberry threw himself back up. He felt right as rain again. He surveyed the room. The window, the bed, the backpack, the mirror, the laundry basket, and everything else seemed completely normal. He looked over at the lamp, which had been set back upright but otherwise looked just the same.
“H-h-h-hello!” Raspberry called. “Anybody there? Anypony there?”
A loud screech sounded. Raspberry jumped back and then glanced all around. The noise started again— a lot fainter this time but now coming from all directions. It sounded almost like a modem fed into a giant shredder.
“WHO THE HELL IS THERE?” Raspberry screamed. He saw a sudden flash of light, and then he turned towards the lamp. Drops of something dark and foul-smelling dripped from the lampshade. The body of the lamp seemed to burn from the inside. The light grew brighter and brighter until the room was totally bathed.
Raspberry shuddered. An orangish-yellow glow filled the lampshade. Hissing and popping noises joined the metallic screeching. The lampshade somehow began to bend itself, by itself. The noises sounded almost like— laughter.
Raspberry took one quick look at the open window and another at the lamp. He hurled himself forward and slammed onto the side of the dresser. The lamp tumbled from the dresser onto the bed and then burst into flames. Raspberry sprang onto the bed and then kicked his bottom right hoof at the lamp with all of his strength. The lamp careened out the window with a loud clang.
Raspberry sped over to the window and leaned out as far as he possibly could. The lamp smashed against the alley floor. It was absolutely pulverized, leaving nothing but a five feet wide circle of dust and paperclip-sized pieces.
“YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” screamed Raspberry, and he shot his right hoof out into the air. “I’ll see you in HELL, LAMP!” He gazed down at the remains quickly blowing away. He then glanced over to the right. The young looking light blue colt in the next door room— wearing a fluffy white robe and carrying a frizzy-looking orange drink— stared blankly at Raspberry.
“Oh hi,” Raspberry called out, and he waved. The colt waved back politely and then slowly backed up into his room. Then, Raspberry turned around and hopped back to the bed. He surveyed the room again. Nothing else? Nothing else, then… I hope. I wish. He sat up on the bed. Oh, my God. Oh… is this… is this my life now? This is it? This is what I’m going to deal with.
He sank his head into his hooves. "Ugh, why I am even trying... it’s just hopeless, “he muttered, “I'm not meant to have any kind of freaking power or something. I can't REALLY do magic. I can't do anything." He peeked over the tips of his hooves at the mirror. I'm just going to have to face the fact that I shouldn't be here. That's why you can't do anything, dumbass! But I'm stuck here. And I'll die here. Alone.
*Knock* He sprang up, ears peaked. At a second knock, he bounced up and then moved down the stairs towards the building's side door. He flung it open.
He saw the empty side street, a few loose candy wrappers and papers plodding across the cobblestones from the wind. He stuck his head out and looked left and right, pausing for a moment. Nothing. He shut the door, and then went back upstairs. He plotted himself back down on the chair, his mind blank.
*knock* This time, it was a little louder. He leaned back in the chair, got up, and then wandered down the stairs. He nestled open the door. He looked at the empty street, deader than before. He scrunched his face, and then leaned out again.
Nothing was over there. Nothing was up there. Nothing was over here. He shut the door again and sauntered up the stairs back into his room.
*knock, knock, knock* This time, it was pounding. He sprang out of the chair and slid down the stairs, almost knocking himself over. He flung open the door. "Seriously," he whispered, and he leaned outside. Nothing around, nothing over at the end of the street... and he swung his head upward...
The fluffy red umbrella hung itself on the end of the ‘Knack’s Music Supplies’ nameplate sign. Its legs were frantically dangling through the air and kicking back and forth.
"YOU!" he screamed. The umbrella let go and fell on top of his head, giving him an eyeful of crimson plastic. He bucked back, rubbed his hooves over his face, and stumbled over. The umbrella jumped up and then landed right in front of him.
"Hey," he muttered. The umbrella hopped up on one leg, waved its hands together, and then twirled in one spot for a moment like a ballerina. Raspberry lunged forward.
The umbrella sidestepped. It made a 'meep' noise, and then started bouncing down the street.
"Wait!" He shouted, and then gathered the strength to run, "You're not-- supposed to even-- exist, I think! Let along prank people or ponies!"
The umbrella jumped up and pointed at him, making a softer, rapid 'meep meep meep' sound. It stopped at the end of the side street, where a big brown barn-like door stood. He heard the commotion of ponies going about their daily lives, shopping, gossiping, bragging, sightseeing, etc. behind. Raspberry halted several feet in front of the umbrella, trying to gather his breath.
"GEEZ! I'm not going to hurt you or anything, I just want to talk, okay!" he squeaked. The umbrella tapped its fingers on itself, and then it stood on its right lake. He heard something like a 'meep, mep meep MEEP' noise. It suddenly pointed at Raspberry with both hands.
Why the hell do I want to talk with it if I can't understand a freaking word it says? Or HOW the hell is it actually talking in the first place if it doesn't even have... a... mouth... Raspberry stepped forward a little bit. "Uh, okay, look little guy. I'm not going to do anything. I just need you to help me." But how do I even know that it can help me? Is it just instinct or something? What the hell?
The umbrella swung out its arms and legs, leaning against the huge door, as if to show surprise.
"Look, I just..." He started. Oh gosh, I can't even talk to the next guy on the bus without saying something stupid. And now I'm conversing with lawn equipment. "I just would like to know where you come from. I think I kind of know that I brought you here, right?"
The umbrella clapped its hands and then made a loud 'MEEEEEEP MEEEEEEP' noise.
"Well okay then. So, I just need you to give me some inkling or something as to how exactly I get back... right?" he said.
The umbrella stood up, arms and legs lined up straight against the wall. If it had a face, it would look like it had the flattest possible expression.
"Okay, so that's a 'no'," Raspberry growled, "As in a 'I have no freaking clue how any of this works' version of 'no'." Well, fabulous. Was this guy... was this even a guy before he became an umbrella? I guess it, whatever IT was, had to come from some other universe or dimension or something? Raspberry said, "Can you tell me if the only one who knows this stuff is the cowpony in black-"
The umbrella suddenly threw itself back against the door, arms gripping the door tightly. It suddenly scrambled itself up the door and jumped over the side.
"HEEEEY!" he screamed, and he hurled opened the door. He paused for a second, senses overcome with the hustle and bustle of the market street. Over there to the right, he saw some bright yellow filly tried on this new shiny white fedora. Over there to the left, he saw some youngish orange colt standing beside an older mare in a flowing white dress. He was shoving some too-small roller skates onto his hooves. Up ahead slightly to the right, he saw a blue filly with a shimmering long white and blue striped mane resting beside a cart filled with dozens and dozens of fresh red roses— glimmering red. He did a sudden double take and then pointed right at the umbrella hiding in the middle of the cart.
"You!" Raspberry declared. He heard a frantic 'meep meep MEEP', and then the umbrella jumped out. It popped itself up on top of the cart. "Yes?" said the blue filly, oblivious. Raspberry leaped over and then ambled up on top of the cart.
The blue filly looked exasperated. The umbrella hopped onto the flat roof behind them, and Raspberry quickly followed. It ran to the end of the roof on the other side, and then shimmied up a metal pole to the adjacent building's roof.
"Oh Damn!" Raspberry remarked. He sped over to beside the pole and looked up to see the umbrella reaching over to the other roof. Raspberry grabbed the pole and started shaking it violently. "Come on, you little twerp!"
The umbrella dangled upon the ledge for a moment. Yet it quickly swung itself over to the right, and it hooked its right leg on the ledge. Raspberry stared to see the umbrella start to motion itself up, trying to grab the ledge with its other hand but having a hard time of it. Raspberry glanced all around, and then hurled open a door a few feet over that he hadn't noticed before.
"EEEEEEK" he heard over and over again. A set of red draperies fell all over his head so that he could barely see. But he made out some kind of dressing room with a large oval mirror with light-bulbs on the sides and various fillies sitting around with makeup kits and clothes on racks. They covered parts of themselves with their hooves and glared at him. He felt a soft smack on the side of his head, and then noticed a huge filly half-clothed in a frilly black dress and sash beside him.
"Oh for Pete's sake, you know you DON'T EVEN NORMALLY WEAR CLOTHES!" He screamed. That stopped the murmuring and commotion for at least a few seconds. He heard a muffled, "Good point." He pulled the drapery off of his head and stepped forward.
"Now," he said forcefully, "Where is my UMBRELLA?" The fillies stared blankly at him. Raspberry swung his head in a circle and sighed for a moment. "Look… just… how do I get to the roof?" he asked.
He saw a chorus of hooves pointing directly at him. He looked up, and he noticed a giant white sign reading 'ROOF ACCESS' and a small spiral staircase beside it. He rubbed the side of his head, paused for a moment, and then sped up the stairs.
He came upon a dead end, a blank wall, but he looked straight up and noticed a dangling ragged, brown rope. He grabbed it and then suddenly felt himself flung upwards. Raspberry felt himself thrown down against a rug. He immediately bounced up and found himself on the roof. He glanced behind himself to see a huge gray box with a round hole inside it and a bunch of ropes winding through.
Raspberry spotted a black machine box on the other side with pipes sticking through. He ran over and then stopped at the ledge. He glanced down, feeling sick from the feelings of vertigo but spotting nothing. He suddenly heard a soft creaking sound, and he looked straight up. He saw the umbrella sitting on the top of the box, twisting left and right as if it was panting.
"Where do YOU think you're going, punk?" he snapped. The umbrella jumped down in front of Raspberry, and they faced off a few feet from each other. The umbrella sidestepped to the left, then to the right. Raspberry did the same thing, and all the while he poised himself right in front ready to strike.
"Now, I NEED answers!" He moved forward, and the umbrella backed up as well. Raspberry could see that the umbrella was backed up at the other ledge, with nothing there on the other side besides five stories of air and then the market street. "The game is over," Raspberry declared.
He stepped forward. The umbrella stepped back, over the ledge. Raspberry moved up and looked down to see the umbrella peacefully float down, dancing through the air like a butterfly, and then rest peacefully in the middle of the street besides the roller-skate colt.
Raspberry keeled over and laid on the roof. He belted out a loud whine. "Yeah, it can do that", he muttered while clamping his head in his hooves, "It's an umbrella, dumbass. Those things don't plummet, they glide." Think! Think, think, think! Come on now, put that master's degree into use. So you have magic. It doesn't. You were turned into some freaky pony-x-human mutant thing, while it became a damn umbrella with legs. Use your magic, superior one.
He popped back up. "Okay, so magic," he said to himself. He peeked over the ledge. He felt like vomiting, once again, with that tunnel vision and inky sensation going through his veins at the heights. He still was able to see that umbrella, which was now suddenly playing it cool by lying on the street and retracting its arms and legs a bit. It looked pretty normal.
"Ropes!" he yelled. He turned over to face the gray box on the other side of the roof. He threw his arm over and motioned towards the box. Nothing happened. He pulled his arm back, and then motioned again. Nothing happened. He pulled it back, wound his hooves up like a major league pitcher, and then shot his arm in that direction. Still, nothing happened.
"Okay, magic," he said. He bounced down on the ground, and then he bounced up again. "YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO! YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO! YOU-NO-GWEIGH-GWEIGH-BYE-BEE-ZHAO!"
He saw a purple aura over the box. HELL YEAH! A bunch of purple-aura-coated ropes sprang out of the box and flung through the air towards him. "Uh oh," he squealed. The ropes slammed into him, wrapping him around like a mummy, and then he suddenly felt nothing between his toes. He looked down, and he observed that he pushed himself over the ledge.
"MOOOOOOMMMMMY!" he shrieked. He felt as if we were shooting through the air like a bullet. The ropes flew off of him as he fell, but he kept a huge bundle locked tightly in his hooves. He felt a bounce and then another, softer bounce. He could tell he was suddenly held in place. His eyes were shut tight. Oh... how the hell am I going to get out of this…
He felt a touch on his left hoof, and he recoiled while making a little squeak. He heard a little giggle, and the another touch.
"Hey, mister!" he heard a very young filly say, "Hey! Hey!" Raspberry eked out a "Yes?"
"Why don't you come down?" she said. Raspberry slowly opened his eyes. He looked right at the face of a very cute whitish-orange filly— with budding wings on her sides, a light pink jacket, and huge eyes— that was looking back right at him. He glanced around, and then he realized that he was only about two feet away from the ground.
He let the ropes go, and then plopped on the ground with a soft 'thud'. The other dozen or so ponies had been staring right at him-- or staring while trying to look like they weren't. They went right back to their business without a hitch. Raspberry stood right back up. He looked down at the cobblestones and took a deep breath.
"Jetter, can you see if these skates fit you instead before I return them?" he heard some older mare say to the whitish-orange filly beside him. Wait... SKATES! He glanced over and saw that young orange colt... and the umbrella! It still just sat there a few feet beside the orange-colored pony family with its arms and legs compressed tightly against its body so that almost no one would notice.
Raspberry leapt through the air, and he snatched the umbrella in his mouth. He heard frantic 'meep' noises. He twisted himself over towards the brick wall beside him, and then grabbed the umbrella with his hooves by its arms and legs.
"NOW THEN!" He commanded, "Where we're we? You're going to tell me where you're from." He slammed the umbrella against the wall and heard more ‘meep’-ing. "And where the cowpony in black is from. And what either of you have to do with this thing that I'm supposed to find." He squeezed its arms. "Tell me now. Right now."
He heard more giggling. He glanced over his shoulder, and then he looked completely over. About two dozen ponies or so ponies were in middle of the market street, all of them standing still and staring right at him.
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm interrogating my umbrella. It knows what it did!" he said.
A few snickers appeared in the crowd. Jetter giggled a bit more, and then she keeled over in laugher. The crowd burst out laughing, and the started back to their shopping. He detected somepony remarking, "Isn't that that drummer pony?" And somepony else, "Now this is why I don't live in Canterlot. Nopony HERE takes himself too seriously."
Raspberry looked forward, and realized that he was now holding on to thin air. He jumped up, and then he quickly glanced around. Up. Down. Left. Right. Nowhere in sight... He plopped himself down and stared down at the cobblestones. He felt like melting into the ground— just being another stone in the background and then never having to deal with this garbage ever again.
"What did I do to deserve this," he muttered, "It is bad enough to just be HERE. NOW I'm expected to deal with these freaky magical ghosties and weird things and..."
"Everfree forest?" said somepony.
Raspberry looked up and saw Jetter sitting beside him. "I'm sorry, what is that?" Raspberry said blankly.
"So you have, like, 'ghosties' and, like, bad, weird magical things that you need help with," she said. "And then I—"
"Jetter, I told you that we have to go pick up the cakes now!" the older orange mare said, looking out from an open door on the store besides where Raspberry and Jetter sat.
"M-oooooom!" she yelled, "I'll like be there in, like, just one second. Geez!"
The door slammed. "Wow, what's with her today?" Jetter said, "First, like, she keeps acting like if we return Lyra's skates than that means, like, that we don't think that she cares about his birthday or, like, that she doesn't like us. Which is NONSENSE, right?"
"Yeah, sure..." he muttered.
"And, like, second," Jetter said, "She keep acting as if my stooooooopid brother can just, like, magically shrink his hooves to fit and keep them shrunk. And my stooooopid brother is, like, just going along with it because he's, like a shy little shrimp who does what he's told and just says "Yes" to everything, right?"
"Yes," he said.
"I KNOW!" Jetter exclaimed, tapping him with her hooves, "Seriously! And third, she doesn't even believe me, like, in the slightest when I tell her about that magic umbrella with, like, ARMS AND STUFF!"
"Wait, you saw that?!" Raspberry asked, suddenly picking himself up and sitting face to face with her.
"Of course I did, you silly pickle," she said, tappinging him on the nose with her left wing, "Because it, like, walked up next to me and waved its arms and made, like, this noise." She got up on two hooves and waved about. "It went, like, ‘meep meep’ and stuff. Freaky."
"It's way worse than you think," Raspberry said in a semi-groan.
"I KNEW IT!" Jetter remarked, grinning ear to year, "And Mom doesn't ever believe me about that stuff! Not since I, like, told her that I had a parasprite in our dogs' house last week. And yesterday when I, like, told her that there was a manticore in our basement. And this morning when I said, like, that there was a whole house's worth of parasprites at Candy's school in their basement, since, like that's why noone has heard from that one weirdo teacher. But the umbrella thing, like, totally different. Legs n stuff!"
"Listen to me very carefully," Raspberry said, squishing the sides of Jetter's face with his hooves, "I have a very, very serious problem." Well, many problems, but they're interrelated and this is one of them. "I need to know about dark, evil magical things. That umbrella is merely the tip of the iceberg."
"What's an iceberg?" she asked.
"Whatever," Raspberry said, letting her go, "The thing is..." Oh my goodness, how do I even begin with her. He pointed his hooves at himself, and then waved them up and down like an airport scanner. "There's this odd sort of magical thing around me, or about me. It's sort of like this sieve or something about me. All around me I have weird strange creatures and happenings suddenly showing up. Many of them I don't know about, but many of them are evil and bad.”
Jetter gazed at him, hanging on his every word. “I have to know more about these dark magical things”, he said, “I need to know more because if I can send them back home, out of this world, then I can go home." I also don't want for me to turn Equestria into a place where you turn on the lamp and it bursts into flame with scary laughter. Freaking seriously...
"Everfree Forest, duh!" she exclaimed, "It's like my friend Apple Bloom said. She's, like, from Ponyville. And there's, like, this big black and dark place beside it. There's, like, parasprites, manticores, dragons, and who knows what else? And I just KNEW that something as freaky as your friend would be from there."
"Okay, great," he said. Well, I suppose it's a start. But goodness, this isn't just mere magic. This is some universe to universe freaky stuff. And what good is it to just show up at a haunted forest and... ask the locals? Oh, boy.
"Applebloom said that there's, like, this one interesting pony, or I think it was a pony," Jetter said, tapping her right hoof to her head as she thinks, "Yeah, this one pony has, like, mastered the ability to deal with the dark magical things. She can help you."
"What's her name?" he asked.
"Z-something," she said, and a glazed over look appeared on her eyes, "Well, wow. I know it was Z-e-something. Zebula? Zecorga? Zebow? Zelicious? Zebro? Zecorb?"
"Oh, don't worry, you've already helped me a lot!" he said, and he stood up. He felt so elated for the first time since he could remember. You’ve helped me a lot compared to the freaking idiots out here who are like nine-year-old girls on sedatives.
"No problem, Raspberry!" she said, grinning again.
"Wait, how do you know my—" he began.
"Oh, silly," she said, waving her arms in the air, "Everypony from Coltsville knows who you are. That's why, like, everypony who's anypony will be at your concert next week. I can't wait to see you destroy that drums set." She began beating her hooves on the ground rhythmically, "Did Bretton Woods teach you those moves?"
"Um... yes," he said, walking away. Please, please, please in the name of everything holy let I NOT have to go through the haunted forest to get to Ms. Z-e-something. Is there a pony Delta Airlines? A pony Portal gun? A set of hooves suddenly covered Raspberry’s eyes.