“What the fuck do you mean ‘There’s no ketchup’?” Doobie hollered, slamming his hoof onto the table Matt had retrieved from the dining room, knocking over Spike’s happy meal which consisted of some flank steak and a foot long horn.
“I mean I couldn’t find any ketchup. I did find these tomatoes though, so get to work smushing them up.” Matt said, handing Doobie the disgusting fruit that made such a tasty sauce.
Doobie shrugged and started to smash the tomatoes under his hooves and into a fine red paste. He then ignited his horn and lifted the sauce/hoof sweat glob onto the plates of the three guys.
Matt looked at the blob of tomato juice, tomato skins, leg hair and hoof sweat.
“We need a more efficient and less disgusting method of making sauce.” He said.
“Don’t worry man, I’ve got it.” Doobie replied, igniting his horn for a second time, he lifted the three blobs back into one. He concentrated and the tomato skins, hair and sweat started to separate into two sections. One was the sauce and one was the things nobody wanted.
“There we are!” He exclaimed, placing the the newly made good sauce onto the three plates. He tossed the disgusting pieces over his right shoulder and proceeded to smash his face onto his plate and continued to practice cannibalism of the once not dismembered and cooked ruler of equestria.
Matt looked behind Doobie to see the pile of unwanted sauce ingredients were still under Doobie’s magical influence. He then looked at Doobie’s horn and noted that no magical aura was around it.
“Uh, Doobie?” Matt said, nudging the green and purple poor excuse for a unicorn.
“Woht thfuk d’you whunt?” Doobie said, his mouth still full of Princess Celestia’s left ass cheek.
“Behind you.”
“Wha- Aaarrgghh!” Doobie screamed as he was dragged off of his chair by the animated ingredients which had taken the shape of a small monkey wearing a fur coat aided by Doobie’s horrible magic.
The ingredient abomination grabbed Doobie by the hair and started to beat him up mercilessly, probably because he had given it life and it just wanted to be a pile of tomato skin, hair and sweat.
“Fuuuck! Stop hitting me!” Doobie shouted at the angry animated pile of ingredients. The manifested trash monkey didn’t answer, it just kept on slamming Doobie’s head into the hard floor. Spike began to choke on his happy meal, he started to flail his arms around and make retarded squealing noises, causing the monkey pause for a brief moment. Doobie quickly took advantage of the foolish dinner monster, bitch slapping it in the face with his right hoof. The monkey flew a few meters back, giving Doobie a chance to crawl away.
The abomination, having been knocked on its ass, sat up and regained its composure before going full retard sprint towards Doobie’s ass.
“MAAAAATT! Help me, you fuck!” Doobie screamed to the believed to be ‘Super wizard’.
But there was another problem... Matt was terrified of monkeys.
Being severely rustled by this traumatising experience, Matt panicked and did the only thing he could think of, which consisted of throwing Spike at the food monkey. He grabbed Spike with his magic and blasted him across the room. All of which he achieved without getting off his seat. Spike flew through the air and simply bounced off the monkey, making a rubber duck noise upon impact. He slid a few meters back and continued choking to death.
“D- Do something, Matt!” Doobie hollered, as the monkey grabbed his hind legs and went back to trying to claw Doobie’s eyes out.
“B-B-BB-B- But.... It’s t- too big...” Matt replied, looking at the monkey which was approximately 2ft tall.
“Quick Spike, we need to make Matt get over his fear of monkeys!” Shouted the currently being assaulted Doobie to the small choking dragon. Being purple it was hard to see if was actually choking, or if he had also gone full retard
Matt picked up Spike with his magic and began violently tossing him around, apparently he was trying to save his life.
Spike, Having had his happy meal dislodged from his windpipe, shook his head and stumbled around a little.
“Spike! Make Matt un-scared of monkeys, now!” Doobie Hollered
“Wha-” Spike replied, looking confused “Well... Maybe if we gave it an unthreatening name, Matt might get the balls to kill it.”
“B-Boris! It’s name is Boris the monkey!” Shouted Doobie, barely clinging on to consciousness.
“B-b-b-borris...” Matt mumbled, apparently having a traumatising flashback. Matt remembered the day he went to the zoo with his father at age 10, he was so excited, all he talked about all day was how much he wanted to see Big Boris the juggling monkey. Anyway, somewhere along the line Matt ended up having a monkey throw shit in his face after he fell into Big Boris’ enclosure. What a dumbass.
His pathetic flashback over, Matt suddenly felt a surge of rage. How dare Big Boris the juggling monkey come to equestria in discarded food form and try to murder his friend! Boris may have been the only thing to ever defeat Matt but this would not stand.
“Hey, ugly!” Matt hollered, jumping down from his seat and landing on his back hooves in a kung fu-esque stance.
Big Boris the tomato monkey turned its faceless glare toward Matt. He let go of Doobie, who was busy sweating like niagra falls and nursing his punched-to-fuck face, and advanced toward the grey super wizard.
Matt cowered slightly over Boris’ death glare but then let his anger take over him, igniting his horn and readying a detonation spell.
Boris sprinted forward and lunged toward Matt. If it had a mouth it would probably be screaming.
Matt turned and bucked the monkey hard in the chest. The force of the buck combined with the velocity it was traveling at made it stop in midair. Before it started to fall Matt turned and let off his detonation spell. The culinary abomination flew across the room over Doobie and Spike’s heads and landed with a thud twenty meters from Matt. It got up and pawed at the ground like a bull ready to charge.
Matt enveloped himself in a magical aura and sped through the air toward the monkey, putting himself between it and the other guys. He set himself down just as the monkey, who was now ten meters away, started its charge, head lowered and ready to do some damage.
Matt felt an even stronger surge of rage as he watched the monkey speed towards him. How dare this abomination of hair and tomato skins think it could take on Magical Matt, the unicorn who single handedly destroyed (and ate) Princess Celestia. This monkey would taste oblivion long before he would.
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Matt screamed as the monkey slammed into him and clung on, sending him back a few feet but then stopped in a death grip as he and Matt struggled to push the other one back. Matt had the size advantage but the monkey was imbued with Doobie’s destructive magic and had more strength than it had any right to have.
“You think you can beat me, do you sunshine? Well, I have some bad news.” Matt said, grunting with effort as his horn lit up brightly and enveloped the monkey in its aura.
The monkey flailed around as it was ripped from Matt’s body and suspended in the air by the magical field. Matt then concentrated, closing his eyes and charging a spell. After a few seconds he released it and it fired at the abomination, hitting it and turning it into a cloud of red smoke. The cloud then condensed and changed from tomato red to butter yellow and then formed into the shape of a wheel. It condensed further and became a wheel of cheddar cheese.
“Mine!” Matt yelled as he dashed toward his prize before anyone else could get to it. He then chowed down on the yellow treat and engulfed it in less than three seconds. Look at that, a new academy record.
After finishing the delicious monkey meal, Matt decided to check up on Doobie. He began to strut over to the curb stomped, bloody-faced shitload, turning his attention towards Spike as he did so. From what he could see Spike looked a little shaken but still in one piece, so as he passed Spike he yelled “Get off your fucking sorry ass and clean that shit up.” He managed to call him a cuntbag four times before reaching Doobie.
“Woah dude, you look nasty.” Matt exclaimed, standing over Doobie and lending him a Hoof. Not his hoof, but one of Celestia’s severed ones.
“T-Thanks Matt, my face can’t be that bad. It was just a monkey, right? Doobie stuttered, sitting up and munching on the tasty treat Matt had just offered him.
“Wrong!” Matt shouted, using his magic to hover a piece of broken glass in front of Doobie’s fucked up face. The glass acted like a faint mirror, allowing Doobie to view his reflection. Upon seeing what had happened to his once handsome face, Doobie slapped the mirror away now on the verge of tears. His face started to swell up and, what looked to be his eyes, began to water. He looked like he had been shot on the face with a full-auto shotgun for 15 minutes, then given a cleveland steamer.
“Do something Matt, he’s gonna blow!” Spike shouted, hiding behind the barbecue.
“Uhhmm.. Wha- uhh... I got it!” Matt shouted, running back towards the barbecue. Using his magic, he picked up Celestia’s severed head.
“Uhh... Matt... What the fuck are you doing with that?” Spike enquired
“Not now assface, I’m trying to create.” Matt replied, concentrating on the fine art of scooping an alicorns brain out of its severed head.
“Hmmm..” Matt pondered. “It’s missing something.”
“Its brain, perhaps?” Spike answered.
“I’ve got it!” Hollered Matt, picking up a quill from Celestia’s desk and using it to draw a moustache on her empty, severed head. Hiding the so called ‘present’ behind his back, Matt quickly trotted back to Doobie.
“Guess what I got my buddy Doobie?” He asked, smiling like a maniac.
“Pot?” Doobie asked, with hope in his eyes.
“Better.” Matt replied
“Even better than pot? Doobie questioned. “Uhh... A severed head?”
“Bingo!” Matt shouted, shoving Doobie’s fucked up face into Celestia’s mutilated severed head. He wore it like a helmet.
It took Doobie a few seconds to get his face aligned with celestia’s facial features, but he soon got the hang of it. The head was slightly cooked but Doobie didn’t seem to care, It just gave him something to munch on. Matt, once again, hovered a shard of glass for Doobie to model himself in.
“Oh, I look just fabulous!” Doobie smiled, using his hoof to comb his new hair back.
“Maybe you could use it as a disguise, like when you pretended to be Luna.” Spike added, cleaning up the shattered glass.
“What are you inSAYAN?
“Uhh... We can’t. Remember?” Matt said, frowning at Spike.
“Remember what? Doobie asked.
“You fed her fucking horn to that fuck!” Matt shouted, pointing at Spike.