Sam the Snowman shook his head sadly, his banjo sitting beside him. "Yes, Twilight Sparkle truly had fallen into the pits of despair. After the disastrous shopping trip and her near murder of 78 ponies and causing 1.2 million bits worth of property damage, the little unicorn had lost her holiday spirit. It just seemed like all the ponies and in Ponyville were more concerned with trivial desires than celebrating friendship and family."
The snowman shuffled along, heaving a sigh. "There is nothing sadder than someone who loved the holidays losing that festive spirit. They say every time a bell rings and angel gets their wings... and every time Twilight Sparkle explodes with rage demons shove a pitchfork in Richard Nixon's ass. Well, with the way Twilight was feeling, ol' Tricky Dick is going to be suffering so much he won't be able to sit down for weeks."
"Are you really stooping that low?" a voice called out. "Richard Nixon jokes?"
Sam turned and smiled weakly at the new arrival. "L-Lord Tydal..."
"Sorry I'm late; I know I was suppose to be here 3 chapters ago but my wife was in a rather frisky move. Now then..." The OC (Oceanic Creature)/Author's favorite original character wagged his tail as a murderous glint entered his eye, "...get ready, Sammy boy, because you are going to be with the Creator soon."
"...mommy."
~MC~MC~MC~
Twilight groaned, rubbing her head. It felt as if someone had dumped a liter of hot sauce in her skull and then shook her up as hard as they could. Her muscles were weak, her horny felt chubby (she wasn't even for sure how that was possible) and her vision was so blurry that if Prince Blueblood had walked by she wouldn't have seen him as a giant walking douche with blonde hair.
She coughed and a plume of smoke left her mouth. She gagged on the smokey flavor and muttered, "I knew those cigarette ads were a lie... like a mountain bike ride my flank." Twilight slowly rose and let out a sigh as her vision cleared, revealing the charred remains of the toy store. "I had been hoping that was just an acid trip..."
Twilight sighed and began the long walk back to Ponyville, ignoring the looks she was getting. Her mood was lower than Mr. Cake's IQ (seriously, even the TWINS know that he isn't their real father) and every step she took made it feel as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her.
"How... how could this happen?" she murmured to herself. "How could every pony forget the true meaning of Hearth's Warming?" Her steps took her to the Ponytown Suicide Bridge, which was named after Quick Suicide the local baker, who was died not by his own hoof but from a combination of a bad cold and a boulder being pushed onto his head by his jilted lover Jail Bait. Twilight shook her head sadly as she looked out at the water. "How can this be?"
"Don't you understand, Twilight? This is a holiday story, so of course things are going to be bad at first. That just sets things up for the 3rd act redemption!"
Twilight whipped around, gaping at the new arrival. She didn't look anything like a pony, mostly because she wasn't a pony but a human. She had long red hair and a brilliant smile that made her eyes twinkle. She wore a simple jacket and slacks and a pencil was stuck behind her ear.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Lauren Faust, Twilight. I am here to guide you in your time of need."
Twilight's brow screwed up. "Wait a minute... Lauren Faust? Aren't you that person that the crazy blonde hair man who broke into my house a few weeks ago said created Scootaloo and then refused to give her a backstory purely to screw with the fans."
Lauren huffed in annoyance. "defender2222... I really hate that man. I mean, have you read that story with the abstracts he did? We get it, defender, you watched The Dark Knight Rises and like the character Xanatos from Gargoyles... stop shoving it down our throats. And stop ripping off Doctor Who..."
Twilight slowly backed away from the ranting woman. "Well, this has been... strange... but I think I am going to flee now-"
"But you can't go!" Lauren exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing Twilight's hooves.
"I need an adult! I need an adult!"
"I am an adult!" Lauren exclaimed, wiggling her nose and warping the two of them off the bridge.
When Twilight opened her eyes she was startled to find that she was standing in Sweet Apple Acres. She looked about, trying to figure out how she had gotten there, only to look down and scream when she saw that her legs were misty and transparent.
"What did you do to me!?!" Twilight cried out. "Is this date rape?"
"Relax," Lauren stated calmly. "I merely am allowing you to view things without any pony seeing us."
"Why?" Twilight said nervously.
"You are concerned that your friends are ruining your Hearth's Warming Day. But the truth is, Twilight, that without you they would have made their own holidays a billion times worse. You are the only thing keeping them from going nuts."
"Seriously? I burned down a toy store and I am the voice of reason?"
"Pretty much."
"That is the stupidest-" Before Twilight could finish she heard gunfire. She rushed over a hill, nearly stumbling over some rocks ('How the hay am I intangible yet I am stumbling over rocks?') before cresting the mound and looking down upon the orchard below.
The scene that greeted her was utter chaos. Many of the trees had been knocked down and reduced to kindling. The earth was packed down and soaked with the blood of ponies. Bodies were strewn about like mulch and every so often Twilight would see one twitch before growing still once more. The screech of carrion birds echoed in her ears and threatened to haunt her dreams for years to come.
"What... what is this?" she whispered.
"Hearth's Warming Eve," Lauren said sadly.
Twilight squinted against the crimson sun that shone down upon her; it seemed even the daylight was tainted by blood. Down, far below her, she could make out the form of Applejack marching amongst a squad of soldiers made up of her own family, each one wearing chains around their necks.
"Remember, ya'll," Applejack screamed, "no pony ever won a war dyin' for his or her cause... they made the other poor sonuvatimbawolf die for HIS cause!"
"What is she doing?!?" Twilight screeched.
"Fighting for her right to turn her family members into slaves. Because you weren't around to temper Applejack's competitive streak she has come to fear her family coming not just on the holidays but any day. She is so scared that she now enslaves them and forces them to clear all year round, just to be sure her place is ready for a surprise visit and her holiday party."
"No..." Twilight whispered in horror. "This is awful!"
"You obviously haven't noticed her opponent."
Twilight looked over and her jaw dropped at the sight of the mare that stood against Applejack, dressed in full battle armor including a helmet made from the skull of Big Macintosh "Fluttershy?!?"
"Uh... please hold your ground..." Fluttershy said, hovering above her army of bear and wolf slaves. "If you want to, hold your ground. I... I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me... and usually does." She blushed as she continued. "A day may...MAY... come where the courage of ponies fail; where we break all bonds and destroy all lines of friendship. But... well... it is not this day. This is an hour of wolves... and bears... and wolves riding bears throwing smaller wolves at Applejack."
"I don't believe this!" Twilight screamed at Lauren. "How could Fluttershy and Applejack end up like this?"
"It's not just them," Rarity said, trotting up to the two. "Rainbow Dash decided to join in because she thinks it is fun to fight on Hearth's Warming." She pointed to Rainbow Dash, who was dressed in a white body suit, had a black bowler hat on her head, and a black circle drawn around one of her eyes. "She has been gathering other ponies to form a mob since last year."
"Wait a minute... how the heck are you able to see us?" Lauren complained.
Rarity shrugged. "Well, I don't believe in this ghostly visitation stuff, so-"
Lauren yawned. "Wow, I just realized that I don't care."
The white mare shrugged. "Fine, I just wanted to let you know that Pinkie is about to drop a nuke on you, so you might want to move."
"WHAT?!?!" Twilight screamed, looking up in time to see Pinkie riding the bomb down, waving a cowboy hat as she laughed in glee. "Send us back, send us back!"
Lauren's eyes widened in a panic. "I'm trying, I'm trying! I don't know why we haven't leapt yet."
Another human appeared, dressed in a garish suit and his hair slicked back. He looked over a strange handheld devices and frowned. "Ziggy says you can't leap until Twilight learns a lesson," Sam said.
"I have, I have!" Twilight screamed, covering her head.
"Top of the world, mama!" Pinkie squealed as she fell.
Twilight flinched, waiting for the explosion, only to find nothing but silence. She blinked, slowly rising up to find she was still standing on the bridge. "What... what..."
"We warped back," Lauren stated calmly. "But do you understand what I was trying to teach you?"
"Yes," Twilight said a dark gleam in her eye. "Hearth's Warming Day must die."
"That's right, the power of friend-wait, what?"
Twilight whipped around, an evil grin on her face. "Don't you see? It isn't my friends that are bad... it is Hearth's Warming! It drives ponies insane and makes them evil. But... but!... if I destroy it then everything will be ok from now on!" She whipped around, screaming at nothingness. "You shut up, sparkling elves! It is a great plan!"
Lauren nervously back away. "Ok... this is more screwed up then the 'One Bad Seed' episode... I think I am just going to leave and make more Super Best Friends Forever episodes."
Twilight paid no heed, cackling as she warped herself on top of the bridge. With a thought Spike suddenly appeared beside her, twitching in his bed.
"I didn't come in ya Rarity, I swear..." he murmured. Twilight shook his awake and the baby dragon let out a yelp. "What... what is going on?" He looked at Twilight, leaping away when he saw her eyes had become dragon-like. "Uh-oh... I told you not to use my tooth brush... now you have dragon VD!"
"Spike..." Twilight said sweetly, "I've decided that the time has come to save Equestria!"
"From... what?"
"Hearth's Warming Day! It only inspires fear... and fear leads to hate and hate leads to suffering and suffering leads to bad prequels. So I am going to murder Hearth's Warming Day and then rape its corpse."
"I don't think that is-"
"Silence minion!" Twilight cackled, her magic flashing as she summoned Nightmare Moon's armor to her. She quickly re-sized it and slipped in on, cooing in delight as she snapped the helm in place. She looked down at the land below and laughed. "Enjoy your sleep, Equestria... for tomorrow... Hearth's Warming Day dies! So says... NIGHTMARE MOON JUNIOR! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Spike backed away, only to bump into a black male alicorn with mirror shards for wings.
"Don't look at me," Doubt said, "I'm not even in this fic!"