Interlude
Three years ago I took all of my emotions and locked them in a box. Ponyville gave me solace; I was able to live free from my past and start a new life. My friends and my new surroundings filled me with hope: hope that it was finally all over, and hope for the future. I purged every single memory of Canterlot, my father, and my mother from my brain, and I was left feeling... better. I was.
Wasn't I?
Chapter two
I wouldn’t go.
It was as simple as that. I wouldn’t show up to the training. I didn’t care if I was terminated, it was better than the alternative. I thought it over, and the real reason I had stayed in the job was to prove that I could do it, whether or not it was because of my father’s wishes. I would rather be fired than have to look into his eyes and tell him that I had nothing to show after all the years since I left home.
Perhaps I didn’t have to stay home for the past day and a half to come to this realization. I hadn’t stepped out of my front door since that morning. Something was keeping me from leaving; I couldn’t quite place my hoof on it. I just didn’t feel the need, I guess. Spending too many hours thinking about your life and how it shaped up in comparison to your dreams can sort of leave you feeling empty. I didn’t want to see anypony, not my friends, not the shopkeepers I visited daily, nopony. I had this feeling like I couldn’t talk to anypony and not feel ashamed at myself. So, naturally, I stayed indoors.
Maybe it was selfish. I was potentially putting all of my team in jeopardy by not showing up, but they wouldn’t seriously fire every single one of them just because I neglected them. Would they? I took solace in the fact that maybe they would only let some of them go, to make way for more qualified pegasi. I realized how terrible that made me sound, as I started thinking about which one of them I thought deserved to be kicked off, which only made me feel worse for being so shallow.
I was unraveling. I kept getting mad at stupid things, like why the toaster wasn’t working right and kept burning my toast, or why there wasn’t more food in the pantry every time I opened it. It was frustrating. I would snap out of it randomly, wondering why such menial things were upsetting me so much.
My thoughts got the better of me in the silence of my home. I shook them off, telling myself that I was stronger than that. I’m a big mare now; I stopped having nightmares years ago. But still they came. I would find myself tearing up for no reason, as much as I tried to slap myself and tell myself to get a grip. Why was I acting like such a filly all of a sudden? I remained home out of fear that I might break down in public, an event that I would never be able to live down for as long as I lived in Ponyville. I had too much pride.
But why? I had no reason to. All my friends led these great lives, delving into their dreams and walking through life without regret or remorse, while I did the same old job—that I hated—every single day. I acted like the big shot of Ponyville for no reason at all other than to fit the image of “good old Rainbow Dash, the conceited, self-absorbed pegasus straight out of Cloudsdale.” I had nothing to show.
I kept sinking lower and lower, seeing only the negative in every situation. I found myself sitting on the couch and staring out the window, wondering why there were so many clouds outside, and why there wasn’t any more Celestia dammed oats left in my kitchen.
The planning session was tomorrow. With each moment it drew closer, my chest grew tighter. Every alternative seemed like the worst idea. Stay here, ruin my friends’ careers. Go, and never be able to show my face again. After several hours spent thinking that morning, I decided that I really had no reason to get out of bed at all. I told myself that it would be okay, but the words were slowly losing their meaning. I didn’t feel happy or sad, only useless, and it didn’t seem to be getting any better.
That is, until somepony knocked.
The soft rapping echoed through my narrow empty hallways. I closed my eyes tighter. Why did anypony want to see me? I groaned, pulling the covers over my head and turning to face the wall.
The front door creaked open.
“Hello? R-Rainbow? Is anypony home?” a soft voice sang.
I groaned audibly, but didn’t budge. Just go away, Fluttershy. I don’t feel like helping you feed hummingbirds or whatever.
There was a long silence, then a shuffling of hooves right outside my closed bedroom door. “We haven’t seen you in a while, i-is something wrong? I didn’t want to bother you, but the girls started getting worried and… well I’m the only one who could fly.”
I waited, feeling the silence becoming thicker and thicker in the air. Inspiration struck as I quickly hatched up a plan.
Cough Cough! I stood to my hooves and draped my blanket around my back and head, trying my best to look as under the weather as possible—an easy feat due to the messiness of my mane and the general unkempt look I had accumulated from several days of staying home.
I walked slowly to the door and opened it a crack, staring drearily at the light blue eyes on the other side.
“Oh my! You don’t look so good Rainbow,” she said as I swung the door open. I coughed again to authenticate my display.
“I’m sorry Flutters, I’ve been sick all week. I’m alright, but I don’t know how long I’ll be out.” I was lying through my teeth to one of my closest and oldest friends. “Now, if you’ll just be on your way, I’m sure I’ll be fine in no time!”
Fluttershy’s caretaking mother instincts instantly kicked in. She rushed to my side, wrapping a wing around my torso. She walked me slowly over to my bed, holding me up like I was going to collapse at any moment. She practically forced me into the cloud mattress.
“That’s nonsense! Why would you think that I wouldn’t help you get better? Oh, Rainbow, I wish you would have told me you were under the weather. Now, now, you lay down and rest up, I know just what you need to make that nasty cough go away.” She trotted out the door and headed for the kitchen.
I sighed and rolled my eyes, laying my head back onto my pillow. Great, now she’s never gonna leave.
She returned moments later with a hot bowl of carrot stew and set it by my bedside table, sitting back on her haunches and blowing softly on the piping hot dish.
“Really, Fluttershy, I’m fine,” I reasoned, my state of mind and heart sinking with every lie I told. “I’m as fine as I’ve ever been, really.” She placed a tender foreleg against my forehead, feeling for my nonexistent temperature. She retreated, taking a spoonful of soup and practically shoving it down my throat.
“You don’t seem hot,” she said unsurely, staring into my eyes and frowning. My chest felt like it was being crushed, my mind once again getting the better of me. I looked away from my dear friend’s gaze as the tears that I had managed to keep down all morning resurfaced.
“Oh… Rainbow,” she started. I was beyond embarrassed. The tears crawled down my cheeks as I shook and rasped, my body a flurry of pure humiliation and self-loathing. For no reason other than my torment, I was crying again, right in front of Fluttershy.
She quickly wrapped her fore hooves around my body, holding me in her soft, downy embrace. I held back sound, only shaking and sobbing quietly. I felt so stupid; I probably looked like a silly filly, red in the face and crying my eyes out. I was ashamed to have her see me this way; nopony had seen me cry in ages. Why did I have to choose now to completely lose it?
“Shh sh-sh-sh,” she cooed, rubbing my back tenderly. “Let it all out.”
At least she’s the only one who has seen me cry before.
She pulled back, holding my shoulders while I stared at the far wall, trying to avoid eye contact. She was smiling. I was probably red as a beat.
“It’s okay, Rainbow,” Celestia her voice is sweet. “We all have to let it out once and a while.”
“What’s the point?”
“Well, we can’t leave it all bottled up all the time...”
“That’s not what I meant,” I said.
She cocked her head to the side, looking at me questioningly. She hugged me once more. I almost burst out again, but instead held it in and let my chin quiver. She retreated. “What’s wrong, Rainbow?”
I stuttered, trying to speak. Instead, my face cringed. I couldn’t tell her. I had no reason to be sad. I should be my damn happy outgoing self, but instead I was a mess. I was too confident to let my feelings show; I was too strong to show any weakness, not even to my best friends.
Was it wrong? I didn’t know. Was I being foalish? No… I’m just secure in who I am; I didn’t need to vent to anypony.
And yet here I was: a freaking train wreck, beet red in the face, crying my eyes out in front of the kindest friend I have and will ever know.
“It’s…” Words caught in my throat as a wave of vulnerability came over me.
“It's nothing,” I said. “I’m fine.”
Fluttershy sighed, closing her eyes. "Remember when we were in school together as fillies?"
I nodded somberly.
"I was hopeless and scared; I was just a pushover, everypony else's doormat. Those bullies made me feel like I didn't matter to anypony, like I was just a waste of space. You stood up for me, Rainbow Dash. You showed me what it was like to have a real friend that I mattered to. For the first time in my life, I didn't wish I was gone so I wouldn't have to be a burden. If it wasn't for you, I might not even be here today..." She said, her own crystal-clear eyes filling with tears.
"Not only did you save me, you showed me what happiness was. I fell to the ground because of that race; I found Ponyville because of that race. I discovered my super special talent because of you, Rainbow!
"You helped me. I couldn't have done it on my own, but you were there to stand up for me. You taught me to be strong for myself, and when anypony tries to push me around or tell me I don't matter, I think of that day you stood in front of those bullies, confident as can be, and told them to leave me alone. You made me strong, both for myself, and for my friends.
"And now, I'm going to help you. I'm so proud of you, Rainbow. It's hard to let it all go like this. You showed me how to be strong, but now I need to show you how to be vulnerable. You need to tell us, all of us, what makes you upset." She took my hoof in hers. "None of us will think worse of you for it."
She had me up against a wall. It was pretty obvious by now that there was something wrong with me, whether I liked to admit it or not, to myself or to my friends.
Lying to Fluttershy made me feel awful. I was the Bearer of Loyalty, and I sat here and lied in her face. Some example I was. I should just say everything on my mind and get it all off my chest, but I couldn't. I'd have to tell her about my family, my life before Cloudsdale, and Aero. Not even Fluttershy, who I have known for longer than anypony else, knew about my mother or father. I wanted those memories to be knocked out of my skull for good.
It dawned on me that none of my friends knew; It's not like I lied to them all these years, I just never told them. But is there really any difference? I kept all of my pain bottled up for as long as I had known them, thinking I was free from the past. I was horribly and terribly wrong.
"Fluttershy!?" a voice called from the hallway. "What's goin' girl? You've been up here for a while, is something wrong?"
The quiet sound of hoofsteps on cloud approached our ears. By the sound alone, there was obviously more than one pony. A heavy sinking feeling found its way into my gut. Fluttershy looked to me guiltily, blushing slightly. I silently pleaded with her to keep them away, all while fighting the urge to start hyperventilating. I wasn't ready to have this discussion with my friends.
Fluttershy walked over to the door and closed it shut.
"Please, Fluttershy, I'm not ready to talk to them." I looked into my friends eyes beseechingly, my cheeks still stained with tears. She nodded.
"I'll go talk to them," she said, an undertone of disappointment in her voice.
"Thanks." I sighed, making my decision. "Just... give me a minute, then I'll come meet with you."
She opened the door once more, stepping out into the living room to speak with my guests.
My eyes shut. I purged a single cold breath in an attempt to clear my head. I sat on my haunches, resting on the mound of my bedding. I recalled everything that I tried to forget: the good and the bad, preparing myself for what I had to do, and should have done a long time ago.
When I opened my eyes again, they fell on the wall at the end of my bed. On the wall's face was a single poster, colored in striking blue and powerful yellow. It was the Wonderbolt poster I bought when I went to my first show. Every single one of the Wonderbolts signed it. I remembered a time when it was my most prized posession; I would wake up every morning and see my dream, and I would know that someday I would make it. Where was that ambitious mare now? Surely she was still here, somewhere. Is it ever too late to give it up?
Aero was right, I had become exactly what I said I would never be. Maybe it didn't have to be this way. Even now, the poster still seemed to fill me with some comfort, and allowed me enough strength to rise from my position on the mattress.
Everypony's eyes turned to me as I tenaciously stepped foot into my living room. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy waited patiently for my arrival, smiling warmly. One by one, they stood to their hooves, and one by one they took me in their forelegs.
"T-thank you guys, i-it means... a lot," I said shakily.
"What are friends for, Rainbow?" Twilight responded somewhat cautiously. There was somewhat of a tension in the room, but the obvious concern from her friends was enough to overcome it.
"Now, what's wrong, Sugarcube?"
I walked into the middle of the rug. Rarity, who was lounging on the couch, sat up quickly to allow me a place to sit. I obliged.
"It's a long story."
"And we're all ears." Fluttershy grinned. Each of my friends in turn nodded their heads.
I faltered, choking back tears. Rarity wrapped a foreleg around my shoulders.
"I-I..." I cleared my throat. "I haven't always been loyal to you. I've been keeping secrets for a long time; from myself, and from all of you. I guess now's as good a time as any to let it all out."