Out of Place - Out of Context Part 1
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.
Billy Joel - Piano Man
It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son, can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes."
Being shaken awake is getting to be an old habit I want broken. "You know, I'm thinking of battlements in front of that door: land mines, barbed wire, and a machine gun bunker." I focus on Glory, and then on the small cloud of agitated to terrified ponies behind her. Moon City, Brown Chief, Benevolent Warrior, Furniture Maker, even Captain Shining Armor.
"Have you seen this?" Warrior asks as he drops the paper on the bed.
"You woke me out of a sound sleep," I tell him, "I'll let you parse that for answers." I study the paper. "That banner should have the NLR dancing in the streets," I say of the 'NLR reforms accepted by the Princesses' headline that takes up the top half of the paper.
"Read on," Moon City says.
The rest of the article details the draft of the agreement. Somepony leaked it, and I know three possibles, I think, At least they leaked a complete copy of the final draft.
"What, you think they'll still go to war over the Princesses' additions? Luna agreed to them, the NLR are supposed to be her people."
"You knew about this?" Brown Chief asks angrily.
"That's not something I'm going to discuss," I tell him, and make everyone instantly suspicious.
"That isn't the worst part." The guard captain flips the page and highlights the passage.
"Okay, she's challenging Luna and the NLR leadership to a charity game," I say after reading it, "Makes sense, gets them in front of the populace, Stalliongrad had a hard winter and the money will go to replenishing the food banks, and the competition lets ordinary Equestrians scream and holler their brains out for their side in a friendly match."
"I thought Sunny Days said she hated Hoofball," Moon City says.
I give him my best Death Glare, and explain, as if to a rather stupid child, "If that stallion wrote 'rain was wet', the wise should immediately go look it up to see what that moron left out, added, or flat out got wrong. Even then, the quote from that idiot was 'The Princess finds watching Hoofball boring.' She said nothing what-so-ever about playing the game herself."
Properly chagrined, Moon City moves back into the crowd.
"I take it," I ask, "Captain, that you aren't exactly dancing in the streets about this, and that you've already contacted the umpires and officials you know to arrange for them to officiate?"
"I was hoping you'd help me convince her Highness to drop this," the guard captain explains, in a tone similar to the one I used on Moon City, "Not to facilitate it. Letting her, their, Highnesses run around, possibly be injured. You can see the dangers in this?"
"Oh," I say sheepishly. I shake my head. "No chance. Celestia is going to mop the floor with Luna, and them, and then sign the treaty. 'Congratulations, I could have beaten you all single-hornedly in a war, but I agree with your proposals, so you get them, and I get to run around like a filly for the honor of Equestria.' If you think I'm going to stand in the way of any of that, you're out of your little pony minds."
Furniture lets out a yelp of laughter, then looks embarrassed. Glory is grinning. The rest look like Nightmare Moon and Discord have joined forces and invited them all to a barbeque.
"But, you can't!" Shining Armor exclaims, with both Moon City and Brown Chief nodding enthusiastically.
The door slams behind them, the orange glow of the door matching the glow of my horn. "Let me give you all a little education. Her Majesty Princess Celestia controls the sun. A ball of matter with a surface temperature over 50,000 degrees. No matter that exists can stay solid in close proximity to that. She could manipulate it into close orbit and burn any army, fortress or tank to ashes and slag, with no strain on her part. She could manipulate it to let out a gamma burst that would burn away the planet's atmosphere, and incinerate any organic material on or under the planet, and if she let off a powerful enough one, it would do the same to every living thing on every nearby star system. Or she might make it lase those gamma rays into a tight beam that would easily bore a hole in this planet and anything else that was in the way. Or not merely melt anything opposing her, but make it incandesce, that is, vaporize it and the vapors burst into flame. That's what an object she can manipulate can do. Think of what her personal power can do. No, if the contributors of such vile names like Molestia, Trollestia and those other stupid monikers that the NLR has been pasting her with are only going to get themselves trounced in a Hoofball game to earn money to help people who desperately need it, they ought to get down on their knees and kiss her hooves that she hasn't simply burned them and the morons who follow them to ashes in response to poisoning the populace's minds that she doesn't care. The only reason that debating society got anywhere is because Luna herself intervened and focused their efforts." I turned on Shining Armor. "And if you think your authority, position or magical powers, of you or your sister, matter a hill of beans next to what Celestia and Luna have already accomplished in their lives, you are afflicted with hubris worthy of a god. The only reason anything that angers or threatens Celestia or Luna lives, is because they have made the conscious choice to let it, and deal with it diplomatically. Celestia didn't vaporize Nightmare Moon, she imprisoned her until Luna could be properly healed of the taint that was Nightmare Moon."
I lower my voice, "If any of you aren't afraid of her, you should be. If any of you are only afraid of her, then take heart that her boundless love of 'her little ponies' stays her hand from lashing out against the thousand idiots, parasites, and snipers that any being with less love and tolerance in their heart would have burnt to ashes decades ago. The only reason she doesn't unleash her full power against her enemies is that it would sunder this planet if she did. Think about the rituals you perform. Raising and lowering the sun and the moon, arranging the weather, forcing the change of seasons. These are rituals now, but they were a vital part of merely surviving once, long ago. There are places in this world the weather now simply happens, the season change of their own accord. Think of a force who could so damage the world that ponies would have to take those natural processes in hand and perform them themselves. Imagine what it would take to vanquish such a force. Then realize, that force is no longer around, but Celestia and Luna are. That, is who you are dealing with."
I look at the horrified ponies and grin at them. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to request an invitation to the party that's going to celebrate the declaration, and tell her Majesty that I sold a map to the Royal Wheelbarrow to Sunny Days."
"Royal Wheelbarrow?" Glory asks.
"Yes, there was a century, after things were running well, and Luna's banishment was getting to her, that her Majesty's love of cake, rather got the better of her."
"You'd share that with Sunny Days?" Benevolent Warrior says, working up to a full-grown tirade.
"How else am I going to lure that fool into the caverns beneath Canterlot? It used to be a gem mine and leads deep into the mountain. If that smarmy, narcissistic hack gets lost or breaks his neck, not my fault." I shrug.
"I can't allow that," Shining Armor says firmly.
"What? It's not as if I'll actually murder him with my own hooves. Her Highness would never stand for that."
"That isn't it," Armor says, "I can't let you embarrass her Highness that way."
I laugh. "Do you actually think such a thing still exists?" I ask, and wait for the captain to grow uneasy, "You're probably wearing the lions-share of what's left of it."
"Then you're luring that reporter to her, his death?" Brown Chief asks.
"No, I'm just going to mention to her Highness that is what I'm going to do."
"After that big speech about how mighty she is, and you're going to twit her like that?" Moon City asks. His confusion plain to see.
"Oh course. Princess Celestia loves her dutiful, diligent ponies, but there's something in her that loves the ones that challenge her more. She probably loves those NLR-types more than any others, as long as they were conducting a Velvet Revolution with no one hurt and only ideas exchanged. So, of course I'm having a prank war with her. How do you think I wound up with an entire machine shop bolted to the ceiling? I'm not that crazy, or that powerful."
Brown Chief and Moon City take that opportunity to faint. Benevolent Warrior looks one step behind them, and the good Captain is on the verge himself. Glory looks more confused than frightened, and Furniture Maker simply looks thoughtful.
"So, it's the intellectual challenge she wants. The intricate tricks and labyrinthine puzzles for her to work out," Furniture Maker says, as if ironing it out for himself.
"Pretty much." I watch him as the pieces come together.
"That finally explains the civil service," he proclaims, and walks out.
Benevolent Warrior rolls his eyes and follows.
"So all of Twilie's nervousness, and panics at disappointing the Princess . . . " the captain helplessly trails off.
"All in her head, I'm afraid," I tell him, "The Princess isn't going to react badly to someone who tried beyond their grasp and failed, as much as someone who always succeeds because they never stretch themselves. Even that person won't be sent to the moon for their laziness."
Captain Shining Armor nods and wanders vaguely towards the door. I look at Glory, the last one left standing. "Anything I can help you with?"
"Can you put me back in the world I came from?" She looks around. "It was right here a second ago."
I'm going to label this 'Grand Central Station', I think as I enter my quarters carrying the rather sad remains of a 'post-Soarin" transmission.
"Can I help you ladies?" I ask of the aquamarine unicorn with an intense expression and mint-green mane and tail, the very nervous beige earth pony with a blue and pink mane and tail, and the last, standing aside looking at the machine tools is a gray and dark gray earth pony with a treble clef cutie-mark.
"It's said you remember humans," the unicorn says, sounding like Pinkie Pie at her Pinkiest.
"Yes, I don't really know if they are false or true memories," I tell her, "But they are very detailed."
"Manhattan, Los Angeles, Luciano Pavarotti, the Gettysburg Address, who's buried in Grant's Tomb, the Channel Tunnel, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Great Wall of China, the terracota army, Hollywood, Beethoven," she says in a mad rush, then holds up a hoof. "HANDS!"
Her companion gets more mortified with each phrase, and now looks like she wants to crawl under one of the machine tools.
"I remember all of those things," I tell her as I set the transmission down on a work table. "What about them?"
"They exist!"
"I remember them, that's not quite the same," I tell her.
"But, it's all consistent, and all those things fit in!" she asks intently, then whispers, "Especially the hands?"
"Yes, ma'am. They are tool users, and hands can fairly well replace unicorn magic to hold and move things."
"Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!" she exclaims, bouncing up and down like Pinkie Pie.
"Just remember, someone might have just stuck those memories in my head. They might be consistence with your memories, because they borrowed them from you, and put them in my head. With a few suitable alterations," I say.
She slows her bouncing and looks thoughtful.
"And in all your memories, was there any real magic capable of moving a person from one reality to another?"
"Well, no."
"So if I was a human, how did I get here?" I ask.
She seems to calm down considerably. Her companion looks up with some real hope.
"But the dreams, they are so real!?" the unicorn complains in confusion.
"Then take your dreams and use them to make this world a better place." I pick up Pinkie's 'grabber'. "You know Pinkie Pie, her thoughts came up with this, and the flying machines. There's got to be dozens to hundreds of good ideas in your dreams that could help everypony. Use them."
"I, I guess you're right," she says.
Her companion closes in. "See?"
"I see," the unicorn says fiercely, "I haven't been using humans to help ponies enough. From now on, I shall! Laura Faust deserves no less!" says the true-believer as she walks out. Her companion looks ready to put one or both of their heads through a wall, as she turns to follow.
The last of my three guests approaches. She's a bit wild-eyed after my conversation. "Do you get that often?"
"No, Miss Octavia," I tell her as I begin disassembling the transmission.
She's pleased I recognize her. Then she's crestfallen. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to delve into your memories of being human."
I glance around. "What am I, the chief crazy person in residence today?"
"I apologize," she says, "But I'm performing at the Grand Galloping Gala, and . . . I would frankly like some music that isn't as boring to the musicians as it is to the audience."
"But you don't want the audience to know they are being heckled?" I ask, and when she nods I add, "That lets off PDB Bach, although that might be appropriate for the Magna Carta party tonight. I think I have just the thing, although a rendition of 'Pinkie's Brew' and 'Gypsy Bard' by Sherclopones will have to be transcribed and made to match a string quartet."
"I don't understand," she admits.
"Let me sing them, then you'll understand. And understand why I don't have a music cutie-mark."
"Pony Season!" Discord shouts as he pulls the handbill reading 'Discord Season' off the tree, revealing the one reading 'Pony Season'. The large gray sphere pivots so its impact crater/satellite dish feature points at me.
"Discord Season!" I pull off the hand bill, the one beneath showing Discord, and the sphere pivots back.
"Pony Season!"
"Discord Season!"
"Pony Season!"
"Discord Season!"
"Pony Season!"
"Discord Season!"
"Pony Season!"
"Discord Season!"
"Pony Season!"
"Discord Season!"
"Pony -! Oh dear." Discord looks at the handbill saying 'Celestia Season'. The picture is Celestia smiling, very horrifyingly smiling.
I'm distracted by the blast of hot breath on the back of my neck. When I focus back, the little Death Star has jumped to hyperspace, and Discord is doing his level best to duplicate the effect while running away. Another somehow more insistent blast of hot breath makes me wonder if I could do the same. Unfortunately, I'm more curious, or stupid. So, I turn around.
There are some frightening things in Equestria. They're all pikers compared with Celestia, wings at maximum extension at her sides, a determined grin that would give the Joker pause, a costume more appropriate to Morrigan Aensland, and thigh-high, lace-up, high-heel, dominatrix boots on all four legs. The blast of hot breath from her nose, and her smile actually widening convinces me to take a step back.
Celestia takes a step forward.
I take several steps back in rapid succession. She takes a step forward, her wing brushing the tree, revealing a 'Luna Season' handbill next in the stack Discord and I had been discarding. This time, my step back causes me to bump into something both soft and solid.
"Dah-ling," whispers in my ear.
I turn and see Luna. Wearing a tiger-striped bikini bottom, with a matching strip of cloth around her barrel below her shoulders, and sporting a second horn.
I back up, and then remember what I'm backing up to.
"You're scaring him, dear sister," Celestia says.
I look at her, she's now in a white bodysuit with black highlights and a '00' at the throat.
"I am?" Luna answers sharply, and a red-covered foreleg wraps around my neck and drags me back.
"No unauthorized touching," Celestia replies and touches her horn to Luna's wrist. Instantly, Luna's costume is a red balloon, with black highlights and a '02' on the throat.
Luna grumbles, but turns her head to let her horn burst the suit like a balloon. Beneath she's wearing a red cape and a white body suit that covers all but her legs, and a prominent hole below her neck. "You're awful," Luna complains.
"I'm not bad," Celestia says, I turn back to Celestia who is wearing a sparkly red dress and her mane covers one side of her face.
"I think both of you are missing a rather important feature of those characters," I explain.
A riding crop catches me under the chin and turns me back to Luna. The pickelhaube, monocle, military blouse, and Iron Cross I can understand. The walrus moustache went beyond eccentric. "I haf been a bad pony. You vill punish me," comes the stern command.
There's a tubercular cough, and a gray limb wraps around my foreleg, dragging me away. I look down. Celestia, all in battleship gray, wearing a two-gun turret as a hat, one more on each shoulder, and a fourth on her rump.
She gives another cough. "Just one moment of happiness, and then . . . "
"Okay, if she's Bismarck, then you must be HMS Hood," I realize, "You do know that Hood's magazine exploded." I realize my mistake just a few seconds too late.
It is odd that a molded sheet of corrugated, galvanized steel would be so welcome. But in the form of a bucket . . .
"That's it lad, get it all out," comes a familiar voice, but I'm concentrating on something else right now.
I manage to raise my head out of the bucket and look around. My apartment/workshop has been converted back into a sickroom. Numerous others are also worshiping their own buckets.
"Too much exotic cheese at the celebration?" I ask.
"Too much cheese," Mile Stone tells me. "At least you didn't have the nightmares that others have had."
The urge to use the bucket ruins the scathing retort I had planned.
"Other than the aftermath," Mile Stone asks, "Was it a good party?"
The mechanics are standing around as I walk through the Wonderbolts' practice field. My recent bout of 'too much delicious but unusual food' still had me queasy and a little ethereal. Like I wasn't really there. They look more nervous than I remember seeing them, I think as I walk towards the hanger, Even Shadow Pearl looks nervous. I maintain my oblivious act as I walk further. More and more of the mechanics and support personnel, but none of the Wonderbolts or Shadowbolts are in evidence. This is one of those times you aren't sure if you want to be in on the joke, I think as I keep walking. I am almost expecting a dozen guards and a butterfly net as I round the last corner to the hanger. What I encounter is more shocking.
There sits the quadra-Diane, with two exact duplicates, right down to the paint scheme. There is a lot of nervous foot-shifting and nudges. Time to make them really nervous, I think as I nonchalantly walk over to the tool box and select the wrenches to remove one of the drive shafts that turn the rotors. Suddenly the joke isn't funny anymore, and a couple of the mechanics have to be restrained or muzzled as the rest watch, and wonder.
Changing out a drive shaft is a quick enough job. I pull one from the machine on the right, one from the left, and use them to replace two on the center machine. None of the audience has said a word, as they skittishly watch. Even Shadow Pearl is sweating bullets by the time I'm done. But the shafts are the right length, and they are drilled and shaped well enough that there's no need to rework them. Although I can tell, the quadra-Diane on the left is the original.
"Okay, you've got your test unit," I say in a detached tone, pointing at the original, "And a couple of very good copies." I note the center and the right one.
"How'd you tell?" Shadow Pearl exclaims as he mops his brow.
"That's my little secret," I reply. They accept this and take the machine out to field. I catch Shadow Pearl before he leaves. "There were flaws in those two shafts I removed. And another in one of the others, but none on my machine. So take it a little easy with the production copy. I'll fix these and you should have two machines up to my usual standards."
"Meaning three hours of aerobatics, or ten minutes with Soarin' flying it?" Shadow Pearl asks.
"As long as he can still land it, he's showing up weaknesses I'd never think to check," I admit.
The old Wonderbolt captain nods.
Glory arrives a moment later. "Three? How'd you build three?" she stammers.
"The mechanics built two, I finished the third last night." I look around, not recognizing the burly stallion accompanying Glory. "Where's Claire?"
"On a 'secret mission'," Glory says disgustedly, "I swear, you've corrupted her."
"Learn from the best," I tell her, "Let's go watch them try and break the thing."
"You have a very sick sense of humor," Glory says as she trots after me.
Captain Armor collapsed to the throne room floor, panting heavily. Claire walked up to him. "That's why we call your team 'feathersouls'," she said triumphantly.
"Mustn't taunt the captain, ma'am," Mile Stone said as he led her back to her Highness, "These younger people aren't taught properly anymore." They passed at least a dozen other, much younger guards, all as flat-out exhausted as their captain.
The pair bowed. "Your Highness, that is how a proper game is played," Mile Stone said, "Although, young Barnum has sufficient faith in your abilities, that he suggested a more 'theatrical' approach. More flash than just good play. I believe that you will not play as, aggressively, as is typical."
"Wouldn't ponies consider that cheating?" her Majesty asked innocently.
"No ma'am," Claire said quickly, "Considering that Luna's team is getting helped by some star players."
"Who are they!?" Captain Armor demanded from his heap on the floor.
"Note, your Majesty, 'players', not coaches. I think that they will learn good skills, but not be a good team," Mile Stone said.
"So you'll be facing them one at a time, rather than a coordinated team," Claire concluded.
"Very interesting intelligence," Celestia said, "Isn't it a trifle unfair to know their strategy?"
"No, ma'am," Mile Stone said quickly as he noted Claire wilting slightly under the hint of royal disapproval, "The point, as I understand it, is to present such an overwhelming show of force, or in this case skill, that the other side, and the audience, are aware that they are merely existing at your mercy."
Celestia bowed her head. "Remind them that I am a goddess of vast and ruinous powers."
"Who loves her ponies and wants what is best for them," Mile Stone added quickly, exactly as he'd rehearsed, noting he'd felt the pressure as well, "This is a game, your Highness, and the audience is paying good bits to see something spectacular. If that is her Highness, playing at the top of her game, and still giving those who dared challenge her nearly everything they've asked for and then some, then that is what it should be. 'No better friend, no worse enemy.'"
"I was right to assign you to Barnum," Celestia said, "You've done each other a world of good." Her Majesty cheered up visibly. "What deep, dark plan have the two of you cooked up?"
"With respect your Highness, the 'two of you' in this case, is my wife and I," Mile Stone said, and considered, "I never knew that mare was such a royalist, nor had such a mean streak."
"It's gotta be perfect," the lieutenant stammers as we watch the demonstration, "If she doesn't like it, if we displease her -"
"If you say one word about the moon, I'll send you there personally, in small pieces, followed by every member of your family I can find! In much smaller pieces! You won't know whether to reassemble them for company or eat them to stave off starvation!" I thunder at the filly.
She looks like a puppy that's been undeservedly kicked, but I don't relent. "She gets enough of that 'send them to the moon' stuff from her enemies. I will not tolerate any of it coming from this command, is that perfectly clear?"
She manages a nod.
"Now," I continue in a calmer tone, having frightened not only the lieutenant, but every mechanic, guard, Wonderbolt and Shadowbolt within a hundred and fifty yards. "She sent Nightmare Moon in the moon, not to the moon. She banished her corrupted sister to the place in the system where she was the strongest, so Luna could hold off Nightmare Moon until Celestia could find the means to cure her. Celestia's knights found and used those means to banish Nightmare Moon and save her sister, is that clear?"
She nods again.
"Good, now stand up. If you're going to go down, go down with your head held high. Their Highnesses see all and know more, if we do our best, they will forgive us. And our best is not worrying about our performance, until it diminishes our performance, correct?"
"Yes, sir," she replies.
I don't correct her, it never works. "Now, are there specific corrections to be made, other than it isn't 'perfect'?"
"Not showy enough," she says sheepishly, "Mile Stone is going to her Majesty and advising a more theatrical complexion. We might want to ramp up the tension somewhat as well."
"That might put the team in danger," I reply.
"Not necessarily, sir," she says, "My expertise is in gauging time and effort for a task. There might be a way to ramp up the tension, without endangering anyone, as long as we don't exactly relate the rules to the audience beforehand."
I nod. "Let's go talk to Shadow Pearl about it. Just remember, we have to give their Highnesses a bit of time for a shower, rubdown and then the pristine and glowing alicorns sign the paper."
"I think I have an idea for that too, sir."
"See, panicking gets you no where. Solutions to problems, that's the way to go," I tell her.
"Yes, sir," she says happily.
Glory Belle looked over the preparations for the 'festival' as Barnum kept insisting on calling it. Arranged around the work room were diagrams, prospective fliers, and the text of the 'rules' of the challenge between the Dianes and the Wonderbolts themselves. The last, Barnum was working on. "This is rather ambitious," she admitted her deepest unease about the planned festivities.
I can hardly believe her Highness actually challenged the NLR to a Hoofball game, she thought.
The sudden teleport appearance of her sovereign in Barnum's quarters/workshop did nothing to settle her mind. That Celestia's head and neck seemed to be wrapped in colorful, barbed wire didn't help, nor did the plunger stuck to her butt flying the small flag reading 'cake thief!'
"CAKE THIEF!" Celestia thundered in the Royal Canterlot voice, as she leapt on Barnum, "I'll 'cake thief' you! You little miscreant!"
Glory Belle retreated to the far end of the room as her gentle, compassionate goddess went mad and was physically attacking one of her ponies, and worse, Barnum was actually striking back. She felt tears form and she chewed her hoof as her horror grew. The pair rolled over and over, moving into the clear area of the room, away from the work area. Both screamed bloodcurdling threats and emitted cries of surprise and shock.
Barnum's bed daintily flew far over her head, removing the last hindrance in the area the battle was taking place in, and neither had broken the clinch they held the other in. They occasionally rolled over, but only when one forced the issue. The noises they made as they struggled clotted the well-bred unicorn's soul.
The absence of guards didn't help. They'd just stand and watch, she realized as she just stood there and watched, I've got to do something. She considered who to hit, and how, to break up the fight. She felt ashamed at her earlier indecision, and at her current resolve, as she selected a large hammer and considered how hard to hit Barnum when she got the chance. She gingerly stepped over the plunger and the attached little flag reading 'cake thief' that had fallen off. She blinked away her tears, closed in, hammer at the ready and looked at her Highness. That's not barbed wire, she thought, They're ribbons. Brightly-colored ribbons. And lots of 'cake thief' tags. Her confusion grew.
Celestia had a bitten down on Barnum's horn and seemed to have the upper wing, as her pinions flashed in to strike the smaller, struggling unicorn. But Barnum grimly struck back, nipping along the alicorn's throat, and aiming hooves at the base of her wings. Both emitted stifled growls, and the eyes were madly changing between surprise, shock and grim determination. Celestia lost her footing and Barnum knocked her over and pushed her onto her back. Her sovereign's wings fluttered like a baby birds and her princess shed tears as she struggled. The smaller unicorn had her pinned.
Glory Belle, child of dutiful and loyal Equestrians for generations, raised the hammer to deliver a killing blow to the invader who'd dare attack her princess. Celestia released Barnum's horn, and began laughing.
"No mercy, eh?" Barnum asked the giggling, squirming goddess of Equestria, "Then no quarter."
"No, no! Not the tail! Not the tail!" Celestia squealed between laughs. Her hooves slashing at the air. A faint orange glow surrounded Barnum's horn and the base of Celestia's tail, and she thrashed it against a target she couldn't dislodge.
Glory nearly dropped the hammer on Barnum out of pure shock. She suddenly recognized the behavior, and it wouldn't have been the least out of place in a slumber party. But because it was her Solar Highness Princess Celestia, it never entered my mind, she thought as watched Barnum carefully avoiding the slashing hooves, the thrashing wings and tail, to continue sending her Highness into hysterics.
"Help your sovereign!" Celestia shouted among her gales of laughter, penetrating Glory's mental fog.
I think I know who's helping her, Glory thought as she considered the two targets, No it's too easy. She jumped over a thrashing wing, knelt down, rolled over and cradled her sovereign's head on her stomach.
"What are you doing?" Celestia asked with a bit of alarm.
Glory noted that Barnum had momentarily ceased his operations. "What my old nurse used to do to me," Glory said, "I peed myself once or twice as I remember." She began nibbling at the base of her sovereign's horn.
"NO! No! No!" Celestia shouted as the two youngsters coordinated their efforts.
Celestia held her beloved ponies tight to her as she knelt on the floor. She smiled at the childish fun she'd had. Barnum was still gasping like an old man who'd run a double marathon. Glory was more settled, but in some ways more exhausted. She laid hands on her goddess, after preparing to kill to defend her. She'll recover, but I think she'll need time and reassurance for that.
Celestia looked up and grinned as the door to the chamber briefly went from red, to yellow, to white, and then sagged to the floor in a sizzling, smoldering heap. Celestia gathered the two tightly against her with her wings and waited.
Luna charged in, shouldering the half-molten door aside. Clad in her full battle armor, her Nightjesty would have given Nightmare Moon pause. Nearly two dozen troopers charged in at her heels and took up textbook defensive positions. Two of the pegasi were airborne the instant they were through the door, and the unicorns had spells and magic ready to defend or attack. Some were the white Day Guard. Some the charcoal Night Guards. Celestia recognized Claire, Glory's mare. There were even some of the former soldiers among the civil service who'd taken up arms and armor again.
Celestia merely smiled. "How long?" she asked her mystified sister, then smiled warmly, "Sergeant, how long between the call, and coming through that door?"
Mile Stone, no stranger to false alarms that were training exercises, checked his watch. "Two minutes and thirty, your Majesty."
"Problems?" Celestia asked, her curiosity manifest.
"Not with a scratch force like this one. But you are correct. We'll need a dedicated force ready to deal more swiftly with problems," Mile Stone said and bowed.
"I'm sure you and the other officers can work out the details," she said encouragingly, "Thank you, thank you all for being willing to help. I apologize for the subterfuge, but we needed to know how it would really work."
Mile Stone nodded. Then his own curiosity got him. "Are they hostages, or kidnappers?" Mile Stone asked.
"Oh, vile kidnappers, degrading my dignity and forcing the deepest secrets of Equestria from me. Until my loyal sister bravely led our guards to the rescue."
"Of course," Luna said flatly. She turned to the guard force. "Thank you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you it was a drill, but my sister gets some, interesting ideas now and then."
The guards and armed civilians moved off, leaving the two sisters alone with the two young unicorns.
"Still think they don't love and trust you?" Celestia asked, "I would have bet good bits that Elastic Parrot wouldn't climb out of his counting house for the end of the world."
Luna frowned. "I heard, sister. Nothing that happens under the moon escapes my eye."
Celestia hugged her two charges with her wings. "Then you are lacking in the ways of teenagers, and others who have not lost sight of simple fun."
"You were on your back, screaming, and unable to escape."
"Unwilling."
"Unable, you couldn't have lit your horn if Discord himself had appeared."
Celestia frowned at that. "If an attacker had appeared, he, she or it would have faced all three of us, until you arrived. A moment's joy, that's all it was." Celestia couldn't help herself. "Jealous?"
Luna frowned and raised a hoof. "Next time it'll be three-on-one."
"Oh good, I remember all the places you are ticklish."
Luna frowned, and turned to leave. She paused and looked at her sister wistfully gazing at the two charges under her wings. "I'm not the only one who's loved."
"But it's so much better when you aren't feared as well," Celestia replied with a trace of melancholy.
Glory walked to her uncle's office, nearly lost in a fog. She and Barnum had slept beneath Celestia's own wings until midmorning. She was conflicted about both the 'battle', her reaction to it, and her sovereign's reaction to it.
"Uncle?" she asked of the extremely busy bureaucrat, who for some reason hadn't sent her away so he could better deal with the affairs of state. He nodded to several of the ministers and senior civil servants, who instantly departed, without rancor. The door closed behind them.
"What can I do for my niece? The projects are advancing swimmingly. Young Barnum rocks the boat, but does not endanger swamping it. I'd say everything is looking quite favorable."
"Uncle, how long have you known her Highness?" Glory asked.
"I was introduced when I joined the civil service," he said smoothly, "I began seeing her regularly at meetings when I became head of my, then, department some four years later. I've had dealing with her off and on since then."
"How well do you know her?" Glory asked despondently, studying the elaborate patterns in the rugs, and trying to force those patterns onto her chaotic thoughts.
"I suspect that even Celestia doesn't know all of Celestia," Eagle said, "I know her better than most. I know she's very concerned that you might take your little exercise in close combat to heart the wrong way."
"Wha?" Glory looked up and stammered.
Her uncle smiled. "Celestia is young, for her lifespan, effectively not much older than you are now. While at the same time, she's more ancient than any of us. She likes to play with we innocent youngsters, like a mother playing with her children. You didn't 'forcibly lay hands on the princess'," he said theatrically. "You were ordered to participate, and you did. A moment's lark in the privacy of another's room, little more than a sleep-over game, as it were."
"She told you this?" Glory asked fearfully.
"She told me you three played, and you seemed a bit at a loss for it. She also admitted that she and Barnum have been exchanging pranks for some time, and you might not have understood the context of her 'attack' on your friend."
"I didn't. But my part . . . "
"Nonsense," Eagle told her, "If you'd hurt her, she could have stopped you. If she was offended, she likewise could have stopped you. She ordered you to participate, and she regrets that, but not that you chose Barnum's side and not hers. She was amused that you were ready to brain Barnum, then eagerly joined in yourself." His expression softened. "She isn't a china doll who has to be protected. She's a wily and well-studied combatant. A pair of foals like you two wouldn't last a trice, if she wanted the game over. She enjoyed it, and cuddling you two under her wings afterward."
"It's not what I expected," Glory admitted.
"Niece," Eagle said softly, "You aren't betraying your mother by enjoying the feeling of being cuddled by her Highness. A touch, a nuzzle has that effect on most ponies. And that you were willing to play with her, you certainly earned it."
"How did you know?" Glory asked sheepishly as she raised her head to look at her uncle.
"There are a good deal of things I've done, that I won't easily talk about," Eagle Bell said, "Having a near total breakdown in her Highness' presence is one of them."
Glory stared at him in shock.
"I wasn't born this age and this cynical you know. I was once more callow and idealistic than you are now. And I failed, rather spectacularly, a personal request from her Highness. They took me to the very place your battle took place. Her Highness stayed with me and comforted me. I was back to normal in an hour or so, all thanks to her Highness' attention," Eagle said, "So I know how it feels to be under Celestia's wing, figuratively."
Glory nodded shyly. "So much has happened, so fast," she said, "I don't know what to expect any more."
"Then simply do your best and enjoy the ride," Eagle said and nuzzled her, "You have to let other people be themselves too. You've always been the strongest will, so you could get others to do as you wanted. You're facing people with wills vastly stronger than yours. You are going to have to accept that they'll do as they wish, they'll be who they are, whatever you do or say. Most of them think very highly of you, so they will do what they think is best or what you want. That's sometimes worse than enmity or indifference."
"That's putting it mildly. It's certainly less comfortable," Glory said, "Thank you uncle. I think we both better get back to work." She trotted out feeling better about the world, and the ponies in it.
The group of us walked along, in another of my dear sister's 'interesting' ideas. Disguised as an ordinary pony, and my guard force disguising our foray as just a group of friends out on the town. But I was enjoying that ponies no longer feared my night as they once did, even celebrated in it. The fireworks display caught my attention. The group with us seemed content to meander, I had no desire to lead, so we meandered in that direction.
The unicorn on the stage was boasting of some great battles that I had neither heard of, nor read about in the intelligence briefings.
"An Ursa Major?" Barnum exclaimed, "Only the alicorn sisters would have a chance against one of those. Celestia's own knight, Twilight Sparkle was hard pressed to deal with an Ursa Minor."
"Neigh-sayer are you? And what weave of magic do you have, that could match the Great and Powerful Trixie?" The fireworks exploded again.
I shook my head. Whatever crazy plan Barnum had, that arrogant mage had walked right into it.
"I can gift my friend here with the powers of an alicorn, i.e., wings and horn magic," Barnum said, indicating me, "Observe." The disguise he'd wound around me earlier dissolved, and I stood revealed to the crowd. Predictably, they gasped. Some even genuflected, before being hauled to their feet by others whispering 'it's not really her Nightjesty/Luna'. "Considering the night time, I thought Luna would be the more appropriate alicorn," Barnum said, and received some polite hoofstamps of applause.
The mare on the stage stamped a hoof in frustration. I levitated a young boy among the audience, as I took to the air, flying a tight circle, before landing and returning the colt to embrace of his mother.
"Okay, you did your trick, now change me back before somepony gets the wrong idea," I told Barnum, and I was immediately returned to the disguised form of an earth pony.
The unicorn mare waited for the details of the challenge. Barnum didn't give details. He merely smiled at the mare.
"Disguise a mare as Princess Luna, and you say that compares with the Great and Powerful Trixie?" The explosion of fireworks was well-timed to orchestrate her pronouncement.
Neither I, nor Barnum were discomfitted by that. We waited. Her horn glowed and she tried to superimpose her disguise spell over Barnum's. The spells interacted and vaguely interfered, but the Great and Powerful Trixie's spell ended up making me look patchwork.
"I'm not flying without two complete wings," I said as she struggled.
She finally gave up, as Barnum climbed up on the stage. "Let me show you the trick," Barnum said quietly, so quietly I doubt anyone besides me and Trixie caught it. "Take a bit, disguise it as a pen, then when you 'transform' the pen to a bit, no unicorn can detect the transformation, because you withdrew the spell."
"Fascinating," The Great and Powerful Trixie commented.
"You are not connecting the two points," Barnum said and grinned.
It was amusing, watching the idea germinate and sprout in the mind of the Great and Powerful Trixie. She looked at me in terror, and I nodded. She suddenly looked ready to run for it.
Barnum handed her a card. "You look like you could use a good meal. Show up there early, and I've got a job for you. I already know the breadth of your talents, which exceed mine. I have need of them, and I'm willing to pay good money for your time."
The Frightened and Uncertain Trixie nodded quietly, but managed to regain her apparent certainty and began her performance again, once Barnum had hopped down off the stage. She did continue to glance at our group as we moved away.
"You were somewhat cruel," I told Barnum. Surprisingly, he nodded.
"Yes, but you have to get her attention. She did try to make things right when she was in Ponyville. But you have to get past her arrogance to let her into the real world," he said, "I am aware that I walk in very August circles, thanks to Celestia's influence. That mare is nearly as widely skilled as Twilight Sparkle."
"Her?" Glory asked in disbelief.
"I said nothing about her power-level. She's a piker on that score, but there are a few things she might be able to help on things that have eluded us."
"Why do I think you want magical backup when their Highnesses go for a check ride tomorrow?" I asked.
"That's a fascinating theory, your Highness," he said as we walked. I didn't miss the knowing grin on Glory.