Chapter Twelve
Goodbye Cruel World
I sat in my hotel room, in the midst of the Canterlot night, staring forlorn out of the shattered window that overlooked the entire city and surrounding valley. The moonlight shone off the pearly white buildings in the city, radiating light high into the heavens, obstructing the stars. Down in the land below the city, soft orange light glowed, showing the faintest silhouettes of small rural towns. It was almost like a pool of stars situated in the grassy fields, mirroring the scant amount of stars visible above.
The world was a big place, and Equestria was only a small part of it. So why was it that all of life’s misfortunes were directed onto me? Why was I so unlucky? I’d never hurt anypony and I’ve never done anything wrong, but time after time, while life rewarded all the others around me, I’ve borne the brunt of this world’s cruelties,
And through this unjustified brutality, I’ve struggled and fought my way to the top. I drudged through everything life threw at me and fulfilled my dreams of becoming a renowned musician, the likes Equestria has never seen.
But to what ends? Now, the entire world is in love with me, in love with my music, but I cannot say I share the same sentiments. I’m so tired. It was lonely at the top.
I thought I was content with my life of luxury. I had everything I had ever wanted, after all. I had a wife, money, power, sex appeal, and the ability to create music to my heart’s content. I had love, happiness, and a life where I was perfect. Nothing could top it, or so I thought. But now, all of that has deceived me.
Now I’ve been betrayed by that bitch of a mare that I thought I could trust, so how can I trust any of those other vices I fell back on before? There’s nothing I can believe in anymore.
These things lulled me into a false sense of security, only for the cold hooves of fate to rip that protection away more violently than ever before, so what was to say that anything I relied in before wouldn’t procure the same results.
My faith has been stripped and my soul crushed, so what else matters?
Nothing matters.
Everything would have to go away. Everything and everypony. Have to separate myself from this land of false love and shattered promises and finally live a life free of pain.
I had to be free.
There was an indescribable joy that I felt as I faced the end of my misery, there, in my hotel room. It was the sort of buzzing happiness one would expect from a foal on Hearth’s Warming Day, amidst the numerous festivities. It was a feeling of warmth and contentment I hadn’t felt in a very long time, such a long time.
But despite that joy of knowing I would finally seal myself away from everything, not the barest hint of a smile graced my lips.
I’ve had enough of smiling.
Instead, I shook myself out of my state of contemplation and clambered out the armchair I’ve been sprawled in for the past few minutes. I looked around my hotel room for what seemed like the first time that night.
The floor was absolutely trashed. Glass, fabric and wood scraps were scattered all around the room at random intervals. Shards of guitars were imbedded into some of the walls. A food cart was lying on its side, its various foodstuffs coating the immediate area. Unidentified liquids leaked out from broken bottles, staining the carpeting.
The cleaningponies at this hotel weren’t very good.
I traversed all the debris, managing to avoid jagged shards of glass and metal, and reached the front door, which still hung wide open. The hall outside was as bland as any other hallway, though there seemed to several dark splotches of something staining the flooring and walls. Somewhere in my mind, I knew what those dark splotches were, but I pushed those thoughts away. I was too afraid to face them. I didn’t want to know.
I’ve had enough of truth.
I took one last look at the hallway and shut the door. I turned the door handle lock, hearing it click shut with much satisfaction. I tried to do the same for the deadbolt, but my hooves kept slipping with each attempt; they weren’t quite dry from my time floating in the pool. Eventually, I managed to turn the lock, finally sealing myself in my room and away from the rest of the world.
With that finally taken care of, I wandered back through the ruined room with a slight spring in my step. Nothing could bother me now. There would be no interruptions, no interventions, and no more dreams of grandeur.
Just me.
Me and myself.
And me.
I took a detour to the bedroom, hardly registering where my hooves were taking me. As I approached the doorway, I could see that it was in a much better state then the living room was. My hooves slowed to a halt, as if I was hesitant to enter the room completely. I stood in the doorframe, staring blankly into my bedroom for what seemed to be ages, entirely at a loss as what to do next. The wind whistled past the broken window in the room behind me, playing out a sad and lonely tune.
Was this really what I wanted, to isolate myself in my room, to just lock myself away from my troubles…? Was this… Do I really…
Of course I want this.
No qualms.
No hesitations.
No looking back.
Go on.
My hoof took a trembling step forward into the bedroom, and something wet rolled down my cheek, dripping onto the carpet below. I rubbed at the wetness absentmindedly with one of my hooves and stumbled into the room, unsure of the reason I was in there.
Suddenly, the calm of the room was broken by a loud burst of static followed by the sound of another pony talking. “…want to go through with this, Sir?” said the unidentified stallion through the bursts of static, “Our orders are to-
The stallion’s voice cut off, only to be sharply replaced by a different one. “I know what our orders are! Don’t be a smartass, Private! But…” his voice faltered, “But we can’t! This is the only chance we have.” There was a pause. “K-keep the troops there. This bridgehead must be defended, even at the cost of a few hundred lives…”
I began looking around the room as the conversation continued, searching for the source of it. After less than a minute of searching, I found the origin. Buried under a pile of curtains ripped from the walls was the bedroom’s television lying on its side, a bit roughed up, but still functional. Its screen was cracked, fracturing the picture into several parts each identical.
One of the ponies on the show playing spoke up. “I know, Private, I know. But what else are we to do now?”
“Well, anything! You want us to just hide ourselves away while a few try their best to protect us?! It’s insane! We can’t-“
“They’ll do their best to keep the wall from being overtaken!" whispered the Captain, “You know that. They’ll give their lives to keep it. We’re safe back here.”
“I don’t care! It still-“
“Stand down, Private Fletcher!” The Captain exploded, sweeping some books from a nearby table. “You’re in no position to tell me what to do! You’re not a military pony! You made arrows before the war, and I’m damn sure that means you aren’t qualified to tell me how to run this army! Now leave or by Celestia, I’ll make sure you’re one of the stallions up at the front!”
I turned off the television at that point, my eyes itching madly again as several more beads of water rolled down my face. I still wasn’t sure why my eyes were leaking.
With a grunt, I griped the heavy box and dragged it into the other room, positioning it in front of my armchair. I rubbed my eyes again, finally relieving the discomfort I’d been feeling and I felt my eyes dry up. I flicked the television on once again and quickly turned it to a different channel that didn’t make my eyes itch. I didn’t like that sensation and, thankfully, if everything went well, I’d never have to experience it again. I let the television run its program in the background.
I’ve had enough of crying.
With a strange new sense of determination, I stepped back into the bedroom and headed to what remained of my closet. I forced open the battered doors and rummaged through for a suitcase. I found one and quickly began filling it with whatever I got my hooves on. Into the bag went all of the sheet music I had brought with me, all of my Poison Joke, various other drugs, cartons of cigarettes, and any other vices.
I didn’t want any of it near me anymore. The drugs, the memories, the pain. I couldn’t stand any of it anymore. I wanted all of it gone.
But if I was going to do this, I was going to do it right.
I quickly turned around and scoured the rest of my hotel room for anything to get rid of. I worked at a feverish pace, almost fanatically shoving objects into my bags. I cleared out the room’s medicine cabinet, took the few unbroken bottle of alcohol and most of the food that wasn’t ingrained in the carpet. At this point, the case was close to bursting so I dragged it out onto the lanai, next to the pool and lurched back into the suite.
Inside, I took one final look around the rooms and grabbed one last thing: A picture of me and my wife. I took the picture out beside the pool and sat down on the first step, water lapping around my hooves and lower body. I twirled my forehooves in the water, but drew back as a sharp pain jolted from one of my hooves. Inky red swirls mixed with the blue of the pool water.
Deciding to get it over with, I reached into the saddlebags and picked out the first object and lobbed it into the deep end of the pool. Whatever it was hit the water with a satisfying splash and quickly sunk into the depths. I continued in this vein for a while, not really caring what I was throwing away, until my hooves gripped the familiar shape of a vinyl record.
I gingerly took it out and looked it over. It was one of mine, my very first album actually, the album that made the world fall in love with me. A scowl creased my face as I continued to look at it, feeling an inexplicable anger rise from the pits of my stomach.
I’ve had enough of joy.
With a shout of anger, I snapped the record in half and cast the remains out into the pool, where they floated languidly on the surface. I did the same to the few other records in the bag and to the sheet music I had also stuffed in there. I never wanted to see any of that ever again.
The next time I reached into the bag, I drew out a large bag of dried Poison Joke, nature’s most brutal hallucinogen, the destroyer of minds. It had always helped to take away the pain; it made me forget and helped me relax. But after its effects wore off, it left me in a stark moment of intense clarity that made me remember everything and made me hurt oh so much… Even the drug, despite however much it helped, continually betrayed me. I couldn’t trust anything.
I threw the clumps of Poison Joke into the pool and watched as the blue leaves slowly sunk to the bottom of the water, disappearing into the dark shadows, never to be seen again. Following that went several packs of cigarettes, the rest of the drugs and the few bottles of alcohol that remained unscathed.
I’ve had enough of drugs.
Next came the tattered photograph of Rêves and me on our wedding day. It had been taken as I carried her down the church steps shortly after we had taken our vows. We both looked so happy and carefree. I was smiling and so was she. We were so clean, so innocent…
But those days were all a lie, weren’t they? She never loved me.
Without any remorse, I cast the picture into the pool as well and watched as it sunk immediately to the bottom.
I’ve had enough of lies.
I reached for the next object, only to find the rest of the suitcase empty. With a snort, I swiped it into the pool as well and stood up, water dripping from my fur. I trotted back inside without so much as a cursory glance behind me and slammed the sliding glass doors that led to the patio. I hastily drew the curtains across the doors, leaving my bedroom blanketed in darkness.
I stalked back into the living room and turned up the television’s volume to a deafening decibel. The sounds washed over me, dampening all of the outside noise. The only other sensation was the frigid air blowing in from outside.
I was finally, truly alone.
I sighed in content and eased back into my chair, finally at ease with myself.
For the first time today, I felt like it was really over. It was so easy, just to lie there in the dark, without a care in the world or anything to disturb me. It was almost liberating. Patriotic, even. I had no obligations to anypony but myself, because I was all that remained.
On the television somepony laughed at some joke I had missed. I expect it wasn’t all that funny anyway. A few other ponies joined in on the first one’s laughter, filling the room with an echoing cacophony of giggling and laughing that made my ears ring. I quickly switched the channel a few times before settling on a cooking show.
The hostess said something about the combinations of fish fingers and custard, before I tuned her voice out. I practically stopped paying attention to the set altogether, the only evidence of the TV being the bight flashes of light illuminated every facet of the room in blatant detail. I briefly considered turning off the entire television, but couldn’t find the energy to do so.
I curled up in the lounge chair, resting my head on the arm, staring at the walls of the room in mild disinterest. These walls would be the only things I would see for the rest of my life, because I never planned on leaving my fortress. Before long, I would know every detail of this suite.
Something clattered to the floor behind me, causing me to blink in surprise at the sudden noise.
Glass from the broken window chinked together as a burst of wind wound its way through the room.
The pungent smell of wine soaked carpet wafted through the air.
One of my hooves still stung and throbbed, sending pain coursing through my veins.
I looked out over the shining lights of Canterlot and the faint stars in the sky.
The chair felt warm and sticky against my wet fur.
The hotel walls slowly began to close in around me as I watched them.
Warning lights flashed on my map.
The television flickered as the mare onscreen continued talking.
My mane settled down on top of my head, falling in front of my eyes and obscuring my vision partially.
The moon shone into the living room, sparkling off of glass shards littering the floor.
The walls shrunk in closer to me and my chair and the television and me.
The pony on TV said something about marmalade and rutabagas.
The carpet grew up past my withers, its fibers irritating my skin.
I sighed and watched as my breath fogged in the cold air and quickly formed a face in the mist.
The ceiling dripped something red and thick.
The fractured screen of the television split the picture up into several different parts.
The pony on screen smiled sadly and waved goodbye to the camera before fading away into blackness.
And in my mind’s eye I saw the Wall I had built.
I felt the love, warmth and security that radiated off of the Wall and felt so at peace. I knew that It would protect me from the cold, harsh outside and I knew how I had never wanted anything more than to leave this world behind.
I glanced behind me and noticed a solitary brick lying in the middle of the floor, surrounded by nothing by blackness. I was in an endless void.
I walked over to the brick, my hooves resonating in the empty expanse. I picked the brick up and ran my hooves over its immaculately smooth, white surface. I looked back at the Wall and noted that It still had space for one more brick; the very one I held now.
With brick in hoof, I trotted back over to the Wall, standing in front of the gap, the only thing left before the Wall was finally completed. I gently slid the last brick into place and stumbled backwards as a bright flash of light as energy coursed down the Wall, blinding me.
Yes, safety, at last.
My entire body relaxed as the light faded. It was finally done. The Wall was built.
I had never felt more alive than I did at that moment. Something blossomed deep inside of me and it took several moments for me to realize that it was pure joy, something I hadn’t felt for so long. It was… indescribable.
I took a hesitant step forward, towards the Wall that seemed to beckon me closer with each passing second. As I approached it, thoughts of all my troubles and of my friends and family passed through my mind. Everything I would be leaving behind. Everypony I would depart.
I stopped briefly, weighing my options. Protection or fear? Happiness or death? Was there even a contest? This was worth it. I had to be safe. I needed to breathe. So, I left my qualms and feelings on the floor, just outside the Wall, casting them away.
I’ve had enough of trying to love.
There was nothing anypony, or even I, could do now. I had cut all my losses so long ago and with one more step, I could finally be free. I could finally soar. This was my one and only fate, I knew, and it was that thought that brought peace and tranquility to my mind at that last second.
I took another step forward, more confidently than before and embraced the Wall, which embraced me back, locking me within Its comforting, secure arms.
And as it closed in around me, I knew that this was the finest thing that could have ever happened. The Wall was complete and now I would finally be safe from all the bad and evil.
I could finally be happy. I could finally be the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be: Me. Me and nopony else. No pretenses, no masks, no misgivings and no judging. Just me, myself and I and me.
And as the Wall slammed shut and I felt my pain slowly receding, one last thought crossed my mind.
Goodbye everypony.
Goodbye cruel world.
Goodbye.
Goodb-