Mourn, I did. Believe me, even if I make relatively little mention of it now, it hurt. It really, really hurt. I’d loved a pony I shouldn’t have and suffered for it. My parents were right, ‘To witness those attached you: however irrational or slight in nature, wilt until their consciousness blips out of existence, is heartbreaking’ and will forever be so. What does a broken heart do when it is faced with something that would normally break it again? It lowers its threshold for hope and happiness dramatically. For fear that It will come across the same situation as a fallible damage-control mechanism trying to preserve the sanity at the centre of it all. The sanity that kept the strands of emotion in a kind of organized chaos. If that were to be broken all else would fail, so it'll kill all the joy to be found in the world if it means preserving it. The first time the threshold lowers, it’s comprehensible. An event that many ponies experience themselves, I’m sure. The second sends an Equine, into a spiral of depression either leaving them in a mental institute or privately hailed as a hero for an amazing recovery. The third would trigger suicide or more commonly, dealing in hard drugs and bearing the hated title of being one of many society's unjustly dammed. As an eternal thing I’d braced against many more, but of course, I can’t remember them as they felt then. A subconscious would change it to something a little less pleasant, as yet another coping mechanism. Scars upon scars upon scars. But these two were so little space apart. I'd experienced both in crystal-clarity. Though I say I was free to mourn alone, I was also free to take a full burden. It’s why loneliness is dreaded, even amongst the less social of creatures like us the burden is so much heavier when carried alone.
Some time later I did remember what his name was for what it was worth. He’d said it was ‘Ezekiel.’ The last time I’d seen him was about a hundred years prior to the banishing. I think the term of address I’d asked him to give me was ‘Electra’ A sweet-sounding name by all means; it rolled on the tongue well but like most others, was ashamedly given to self, by self. And carried little weight as a result. We talked of growing tensions and eldritch omens; they were right on the mark as it turned out and the banishment’s ripples still live today.
To try to prolong my decaying faith in a reason to live I once more, secluded myself to the trees for a while. As you know by now it wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last. But one cannot find meaning it all by oneself all can be done is brace for more and more. More questions, multiplying doubts and an increasing number of reasons to die. It would another hundred more years before I’d have the courage to see another fade again. Not that I had to for a while longer mind you.
This was when the Sun Goddess implemented the famous Annual ‘Summer Sun Celebration’ To me, it seemed arrogant to hold such an event without a lunar equivalent. The closest being ‘Nightmare Night’ which had started less than a century after the banishment. That only reduced a horrific tragedy into a trivial degeneration of Luna, who, surely, did not deserve such a thing. In fact from here; now, I can say in the absolute: she did not deserve it. I wanted to know certain nagging things, so preparations were made to face Celestia. I think, it was just because I felt like talking; I needed some novelty in my world of stark colours.
Typically, the first instance of the event was to be held at Canterlot, some “random” that was. I forced myself to return to that dreadful city and wondered if Charlie had ever been there: I hope not. Anyhow, I waited in the rafters, observing her do what she did every day, only, this time in public, which (apparently) made it special. Once the silly trumpets had finally quieted down after she’d raised the sun again I, as discreetly as I could, followed her backstage. This time she noticed my presence very quickly and deliberately took the time to seclude herself in some particular room in the palace dismissing her guards as she went. It was... the same place. The light was different this time, as it was early morning whereas it had been mid-morning then. Not to say that it hadn’t changed, it certainly had, but by all means still recognisable. The curtains were no more, nothing but plain glass panes were there now. There wasn’t a cage to be found but peculiarly enough a perch, of perfect size for a Phoenix to land on in the centre of the chamber. I glanced in its direction; to my surprise Celestia spoke:
‘Feel free to use the perch, I’m told it’s quite comfortable,’ while pointing white hoof at it.
Superficially, she looked largely the same though there were signs that the grief for her sister was not as active as it once had been. Eye-bags not as noticeable fur more kempt since then. Maybe I was deluding myself, but the glimmer in her deep, purple eyes was just a bit brighter, indicative of somepony who’d recovered from darker times and was now appreciative for the present. For us, who had to live such lives, all had had a gillimer in one’s eyes, else one had none at all. I took her up on the offer and placed myself on the platform. Celestia’s horn glowed.
‘I'll be able to understand you now.’
‘That’s a pleasant surprise! Why didn’t you perform the spell when we were here before?’
‘I was too wracked by my actions to dare to perform any sort of magic. Likewise, was why the moon remained up so long after she...’ Celestia struggled to churn the name out. ‘After she-’
‘Luna.-’
‘Was gone.’
It was heartening to see that, for all her attempts she’d made, none had succeeded in fully burying the pain it seemed. Never, should such great suffering be buried and not damning it, on a personal level at least, as she had appeared to do so, was suggestive of an emotional awareness, that somehow, not all of us possessed, even after all these forsaken years. In terms of dialogue, a break for a topic change was appropriate.
‘How have you been?’
So meaningless, that was!
‘Why, haven’t you seen me in the papers?’
‘Do you speak of a hundred years ago; about a pony with scars, In Dodge?’ She asked, incredulous.
Chuckling, I replied, ‘Yes amongst other things.’
Celestia laughed with me, ‘Of “other things” there is no doubt! I thought those marking’s were a of a Phoenix, but, I did not think that they might be of your doing.’
She made the correct presumption that the scars were not deliberate.
‘Was he a nice stallion then?’
‘Charlie, was better than that. Though dead now, of course.’
‘They are ever the majority.’
She looked out a window, so that her flowing mane sparkled in the sunlight, before we started our little dance.
‘In mortality, all of life is a wager. Most who are blessed with it are able to find new possibilities in everything they do. Whenever they want to, they can draw from the well of knowledge accrued and constructed by the generations previous. Some, call it a tower, but I would think that the construction is too interconnected to be capable of rising up into the heavens. They harbor a natural kinship for one another, sharing in time finite and the grays that come with it; we aren’t the only ones who suffer, as strong as the illusion may seem. It’s impossible for their actions to mean anything more than another contribution to the well.’
I chipped in. ‘Yet we build or shatter kingdoms for every generation. Watch them live, watch them die and smile at their naivety. See knowledged relearned that had was already learned; forget the secrets we told them. We cannot wager in the stakes we’d play, chips too few, and living.’
‘If we were to self-serve, we’d be the loneliest creatures in the land. So we have no choice but to serve those but none but themselves. In return, we get their gratification, thanks and for me, love and affection.’
‘We, who, with all due respect, have lived far longer than you, had our land swiped away by these very ponies. We do not require the praise of mortals to find meaning, as curious as their stories can be.’
‘But as a ruler, their stories are my stories. I am but a servant to their wishes-’
‘If that were so you’d be far more wicked.’
‘Was Charlie so wicked?’
That stung.
I retorted, stressing the ‘s’ and ‘x’ sounds than I normally would, with a clenched beak. ‘There is a difference, between a majority, and an exception, Celestia.’
‘Why by name? You know how meaningless they are.’
‘Luna’s too?’
‘...Only of a personal value.’
‘Yet yours none.’
‘Mine none to me.’
‘But harmony incarnate, to those on streets below.’
‘I only rule where I need to my dear Phoenix. If they see me as more than I am it is no fault of myself. One does not hope to deter blind delusion.'
‘And will the view of the masses ever change if their Princess does not “hope” to deter them in their blind following?’
‘Then, it becomes but another test to see who is worthy.’
‘Worthy of what?’
‘Oh, plenty of things. A school for some more of the elder, gifted unicorn or the Wonderbolts. Generally speaking, positions regarded highly in this society. I have ensured, that none of them would be prepared to die for me. Most important of all, the future bearers of the elements of harmony.’
‘Future beares?’
‘Before Luna returns, I will have given them to ponies’ whose lines appear worthy, they’ll do much better than what I did, I’m sure.’
I pushed towards a more definitive reason.
‘And a step closer to a transfer of power, for when you get fed up of it all?’
‘I would not put it in such crude terms, but you are correct I’m afraid. Whenever the time comes. It does for all of us, I think, even me. Even showered with all this love and affection daily, from an entire peoples, find the thought to be lingering in an uncomfortably visible corner. Do you, get that too?’
‘I do. To say the least.’
‘Not that one in my position would ever reveal it to those that prevent it. I’d break the nation if I did that. Keeping it unfractured is the role of the matriarch, managing the welfare, the Monarch’s. I am both for now.
My perched swayed and creaked a little: it wasn’t enough to disturb our little talks.
‘And this “selective ruling” of yours, was the Phoenix's coming to Equestria a part of it too? How you allowed us to be seen as your blessing as obviously we were not. Simply visiting our land once lost; now changed forever more?’
She tore her eyes away from the window as she took her golden shoes off neatly placing them to her left, between me and the herself.
‘No. It wasn’t. We didn’t endorse it by any mean, but you received some benefits for being interpreted as such, no?’
‘Back then, I don’t think anyone of us cared.’
‘Fairly sensible. You sound, as if, you were not glad for the change, I thought it would have been for the better in the end, for you.’
‘One does try her best to withhold judgement, even when it is forced upon her. If I was to judge, as you encourage me to do so, I’d be wicked and bitter. The invaders planting their concrete over the grass effectively decimating the inhabitants; then “claiming” this beautiful land to be theirs. Yet they; you, are no better than those before, who needed no such control.’
‘They are indeed, very hungry for control. An effect derived from the illusion of mortality’s ego, from my observations of my fickle ponies. I’m not certain my little ponies wouldn’t have gotten themselves killed by the griffon's claw if I weren’t here to satiate it. To blame any creature for anything, is only damning ourselves to a spiteful, narrow, existence. For all the terrible things we have trusted upon us have us strive to make it so never, does such thing occur to others or to ourselves again. As you well know, Discord has certainly played a fair part in our grief, but we are who we are. He has his own part to play in the loom of fate far grander than mine or yours. There cannot be good without evil, just as there cannot be harmony without chaos, they are one and the same. They define each other. I, only by the most remarkable of coincidences happen to strive for one, they-’
She gently tapped her left hoof against the window.
‘follow, whoever happens to be the current trend as it were. Suffering, anarchy, pain, chaos or joy, creativity and harmony are only relevant side-effects if one wishes to be as emotionless as possible about this world we live in. They both function, they both rule; they both have all others follow their ways. We seem coexist though we fight till the end of days unless, against the wishes of us both, a way is found to have two Simons. I confide in you that, often, through all his tomfoolery, I think he isn’t trying at all. As if, all he wants is to have a bit of fun, before he finds himself encased in stone for another while more.Though I try to avoid with flattering myself with such conspicuous conspiracies for the majority.’
‘It may seem all well and good, but if you be they and they be you, as your desires be identical, should you not impose yourself with their limitations and most likely lead them to an inevitable doom? If qualities are merely side-effects, why do you care? I find myself to be inherently benevolent even if, recently, a little masochistic, watching minds, great minds and their great stories fade to the very end. To only be a sycophant is worse than being innocent, as they seemingly are. Why do we not writhe in despair if we restrict ourselves to observers beloved or not, seeing them kill each other as they do?’
Her head suddenly snapped round. She looked me right in the eye; I found myself to be mesmerised in her deep, conflictingly wise and naive, violet eyes of hers. No longer, did she have a dreamy look, staring out the window.
‘You ask good questions friend.’
‘Friend? We are merely lost souls seeking like company.’
A bit archly now, she went on. ‘This lost soul is lonely enough to call the other lost soul it's gratefully happened upon, its friend. Is the other lost soul not lonely enough, to do the same?’
‘I suppose it is...’
The white alicorn walked gracefully in my direction, head high and an air about her that was as bedazzaling as it was before. Even more so, in fact, now that I looked upon her with free eyes.
‘Perch on me. I don’t want to forget you,’
Celestia said as she stilled below my perch, gesturing me to her back.
‘Neither do I... I’d be impressed if I could.’
We snickered for a moment before I did land on her back, surprised to find the mass of sheer muscle I mounted on. Far more than any Earth ponies; she could have thrown me off any time she’d liked to. There was a fascinating hint of danger to it, even though I knew it was illusionary. Rekindling an evolutionary instinct that I’d lost long ago.
‘Is there anything else you wish to talk about?’ She asked me,
‘Plenty...Too much, even.’
‘I doubt there is such a thing, for like company.’
‘It's a bit irrelevant, but who were those guards of yours, who kidnapped me?’
‘Oh, just some fools who thought they’d impress me by saving you. Obviously the legitimacy of your kind requiring any kind of medical help, was foolish enough. You’d just regenerate, if it was at all serious. Not to imply that it wasn’t hurtful, because it was.’
‘Was my capturing a harborer of bad memories?’
‘Yes. Especially, so soon...’
‘Were they prepared to die for you too?’
To my surprise, it came out with a some malice, much more than I intended, but I didn't regret it.
Her broad neck tensed, as she connected my remark to what she’d said earlier. She didn’t speak, instead bowing her head, lower, than any princess was supposed to.
‘What happened, with Luna, exactly? Apologies for going on a bit on the heavy side, but its not as though we get to talk every day.’
‘A little on the heavy side, she says!’
An awkward silence followed; I was left wondering if a further apology was needed, or an affirmation that the question need not be answered. I thought it did.
‘I-’
‘Its fine. I’m sure Luna will tell you when she’s back.’
I had some suspicions aroused at just how sensitive of a topic it was for Celestia, even after four hundred years.
‘Where did that cage go?’
‘Oh I’m not sure, lost amongst the royal relics somewhere.’
Not for good, no doubt. I thought about asking her to search for the Phoenix I’d been trying to rescue but I’d think he’d either committed suicide by now or escaped. Oh how wrong I was.
‘Is there anything else? As much as this lonely soul doesn’t want to be lonely anymore, she does have her royal duties to attend to.’
‘But one more question, your highness.’
She chortled at the unnecessary formality.
‘Why do they call you Princess, when you are clearly a Queen?’
‘I’m not quite certain, it was the term we were given as foals... I’ve heard something about it sounding, nicer.’
‘Nicer?’
‘Queen, too harsh on the tongue, for my ponies. And there were two of us but, that isn’t as if that should make any difference...’
Celestia trotted to the very end of the chamber, where there was a small, openable window.
‘Your company has been much appreciated. You were right, it is not often I get to talk to the likes of you. I hope I will see you again?’
‘You shall.’
‘Luna would also enjoying speaking to you.’
I shook myself a bit at the way she said it, there was something fundamentally wrong about it. As if her tone had been as if her sister was on an innocent holiday. As if she wouldn’t be the least bit changed by one of the worst experiences any being living could go through and come out alive.
‘A feather for a feather?’
Again, the request for a feather of mine confounded me. As far as I was aware, there was no official symbolism between their exchange and it seemed otherwise useless.
‘Er... I’d prefer not.’
‘Very well.’
With that, she opened the window and I flew away, silhouetted by the sun.