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// Fallen Angels and False Goddesses 
// Story: A Storm is Coming 
// by Plasmadon 
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Chapter Two: Fallen Angels and False Goddesses

“Well… shit.”

I stared at the words burning in the darkness as my lunch fought tried to wage war against my stomach. I had heard legends about this particular being. One of the most dangerous Fallen Angels in existence. I had faced off against a Fallen once, and it wasn’t an experience I’d like to replicate. Most of the Fallen tended to fight with their wits, not their strength. This guy, however, automatically rated a fair amount higher than me in terms of raw chaotic power.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Ithaniel, Fallen Angel of Chaos.

The guy looked up at me, surprise and a little bit of maddened glee in his eyes. He had handsome features, with a smart expression and crystalline violet eyes. “Well, that bitch Celestia finally sent me a roommate, did she? Make yourself right at home. I have to warn you though, we don’t have Wi-Fi.”

“Eh, it doesn’t really matter. I left my laptop back home anyways,” I replied coolly. My past experiences had all but crushed true confusion and fear from my body. I just managed to keep a calm demeanor in front of the Angel.

“Wait. Nopony knows about Wi-Fi or laptops. You also seem rather familiar. You remind me of-”

“Uriel, Angel of Death?” he nodded, a slight bit of shock entering his expression. “Yeah, I’m his 184-greats grandson.”

“Ooh, he had kids?” Ithaniel clapped his hands. “That’s great! Wait, does that mean I’m your 183-greats uncle? I never got you a birthday present!” he snapped his fingers, and a vial appeared in front of my face. It was filled to the brim with what appeared to be…

“Endless bottle of chocolate milk? Sweet!” I tore the cork off and guzzled a good half-gallon of the stuff before I felt sated. “So, what kind of poison did you put in it?”

“Nightshade, a bit of hemlock, and some crab’s eye,” Ithaniel replied casually. I just went angelic and flared to life.

“Dude, you’re an angel. You should know we can just burn the shit away.” It’s true. Once anything with angel blood activates its power, their blood literally boils. That blood just turns the poison to ash the moment it enters our bodies.

“So why am I here, and what was with the magic rainbow thingy?” I asked. Ithaniel raised an eyebrow at me, then proceeded to promptly burst into laughter.

“Holy shit!” he wheezed, leaving his occasional snigger behind. “I can’t believe this! My brother never told you about this place?!”

“Dude, no one has seen your brother for more than two thousand years. How the hell should I know about wherever this place is?”

Ithaniel considered my shtick for a moment. “Alright, you’ve heard of the multiverse theory, right?”

“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with it?” the dots slowly connected in my head. “…No.”

“Yep!” Ithaniel said cheerfully. “You’re in another dimension. Equestria, to be exact. The land covered in Technicolor horses.”

“Technicolor… fucking… HORSES?!” I shouted. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Just when people started to think I was normal, I get zapped to a dimension with Technicolor goddamn horses! Why the fucking hell does this always, always happen to me?!”

“Hell if I know,” Ithaniel provided noncommittally. “I just gave you chocolate milk.”

“Then you put some fucking shit in that fucking milk!” I screeched. My blood began to boil, and I only just managed to get my anger down before I spontaneously combusted. I did that once, and it wasn’t exactly what I’d call pleasant. “Sorry about that outburst. You aren’t that bad for a fallen, and I sometimes just go over the top.”

Ithan looked rather surprised, as if he didn’t get apologies every day. Well, then again, he didn’t. 
“You know, you aren’t like most of my brothers and sisters. Mortals really mellowed out, didn’t they?” he chuckled. “Well, I guess I’ll never know.”

“Or…” I began to smirk, a plan forming in the depths of my mind. “You know, there should be a pendant around my neck, engraved with angelic script. You can stay in there, if you want.”

“Ah, but wouldn’t the ponies take it off if they found you? I mean, humans aren’t exactly common. They’ll strip you down the first chance they get.”

“I placed a protective charm around my underwear, pants and coat, as well as the amulet,” I said, grinning sharply. “If anything comes within six inches of them, they’ll be in for a nasty surprise. Even with magic, they’re impossible to get off.”

“Clever boy,” Ithan said. He had a smile like a child in a candy store. “I guess I’ll be talking to you soon, nephew.”

“Name’s Zedren. Don’t forget it, alright? Oh, and I still want birthday presents.” As Ithan slowly faded, we both burst out laughing. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but maybe some evil bastards of darkness aren’t that bad.

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself as the expanse of iron and stone crumbled away, leaving only a black valley. “I just jinxed myself, didn’t I?” 



I woke up with a start. Having been awoken by angry women, cell phones, and demons hell-bent on killing me and everything I knew, I tended to be able to start a mental checklist the moment my head was off the pillow. Alright, let’s see here. Hands? Check. Feet? Check. Clothes? Check. Sword and staff? No check. Amulet? Ch…

Oh, I know they didn’t take my sword and staff.

I growled, a low basso rumbling emanating from my throat. Those things were the only gifts Grandpa Uriel had given me over the long years. Of course, I wasn’t his favorite descendant, but I was pretty damn high on the list. I also happened to be unreasonable when people, or ponies in this case, take my shit. I opened my eyes, and in a flash, I was on my feet and struggling against chains. A small white figure, presumably a pony, was staring at me through the bars of the cell I was in. I thrust my arm forward, only to be stopped by hard iron. The pony snorted with cruel amusement.

“Stand down, beast!” it intoned. “It will be your turn for execution shortly.”

I decided I was going to have a little fun with this one. I opened my eyes and mouth, making sure to show my amber irises and canines. “Oh, a beast, am I?” I snarled. The pony’s eyes widened in shock, and it dropped on its ass, stammering. I smirked. Directing a small bit of angelic power to the chains, I murmured, “לנפץ¹.”

The chains snapped with a resounding ‘CRACK!’ and I lunged forward, using the remainder of the spell to crush the bars. The guard shrieked like a baby when I kicked him, sending him flying across the room. He crumpled against the wall. How do I know the pony’s a he, you say? Well, when I kicked 
him, I got the kind of squeal that only a man that was just sterilized makes.

I carefully stepped out of the bars and stared at my reflection in the guard’s sword. My short brown hair was laying slightly lank and dirty. That, combined with the slight poking of ribs I felt under my skin, and the soreness of my dry tongue, I assumed that it had been about two days since I arrived here. I glared at my amber eyes, resheathing the sword. As the guard began to stir, I took my leave, breaking down the wooden door to the ‘prison’. Stupid ponies. Their idea of a prison is half-assed to a T.

I broke down the door and sighed as two other guards looked up in mild surprise. They advanced, but I shot a stunner at them before carrying on down a long marble hallway. The topaz engraved silver around my neck glowed softly against the blindingly white walls.

“So, where do we go now, Ithan?” I asked the amulet. Now most people do not talk to necklaces. It’s kind of hilarious when their necklace talks to them.

“Take two lefts, a right, and keep going down the long hallway until you reach a huge set of double doors. I’m sensing a huge level of angelic power there, and the only things recognizable with that kind of light are angel-made weapons.” I followed his advice, weaving through a mesh of guards, pedestals and busts. After about an hour, I finally got to that long hall Ithan told me about.

“Christ on a crutch,” I growled. Jeez, I was going all out on these holy-based insults this week! “This is bull crap. When did my life become Metal Gear Solid?”

“Maybe a cardboard box would help you feel more at home,” Ithan suggested. I sniggered. Unfortunately, the guards heard me from behind my little hideaway.

“Who goes there?!” one of the guards barked. I scowled and got up. The multitude of guards in the hall gaped as they took in my 6’1” frame.

“It’s a monster!” one of them shouted. “Attack!” I sighed as the throng of ponies leapt at me as one.



Five minutes later, I heaped the last guard onto the pile. Seeing as I had no sword of staff, it took almost all of my self-control not to punch all of their lights out. Ithan chuckled inside my amulet.

“Well, that was fun to watch,” he commented dryly. I gave his metaphorical expression a glare.

“No thanks to you,” I grumbled. I was having a really bad day so far, and my great-uncle was not exactly helping. He just gave me a sound-raspberry and pouted. I turned back to the hall and continued walking.

Another five minutes later, I was standing in front of the huge double-doors. They were engraved with flowing vines and stylized suns and moons. My staff and sword hummed in response to my advances; I could feel them begging to rejoin me. Ithan gulped from inside the pendant.

“Uh, Zed? This is the throne room. The two most powerful beings in Equestria are most likely sitting in there right now, and if indication shows, they have your items of power.”

“Good,” I said, grinning cockily. “Let’s burn this shithole to the ground.”

I blasted open the doors with a surge or raw power. Once the smoke and splinters cleared, I beheld an odd sight: a massive throne room. What was odd was the amount of ponies in the room. Guards lined the walls, and a few nerdy-looking things were scuttling towards a group of fancy ponies. Those, in turn, were gathered around two horses. One had a pearly white coat, and its multicolored mane flowed in nonexistent wind. She had my sword planted in the ground at her side. The other was cradling my staff with its wing. Like its former, it had a flowing mane. I personally liked the smaller one more. She was probably the pony equivalent to sexy. Hey, I’m a guy! We’ll date other species if it means good sex. They all looked over at me, with mixed reactions. The fancies and nerds screamed in fear and hid in the back of the room. The guards stood ready, their eyes blazing with anger. The two horses, however, were regarding me inquisitively.

The guards charged, bringing swords and spears at the ready with what looked to be telekinesis. I laughed and literally knocked them all away with a flare of wind and fire. Several of the fancies fainted, while the guards groaned and the nerds screamed again. The two horses narrowed their eyes and got up, slowly stalking towards me. I think they were trying to be intimidating, but it didn’t really work on me. The two approached me, and a soft golden glow emanated from the tall one’s horn. She brought me about a foot in the air.

“Who are you, and why are you harming my little ponies?” she asked, not without politeness. I grinned.

“A bit rude of you not to introduce yourself to a guest before asking anything of them, isn’t it?” I casually remarked. The two looked slightly surprised, and in their shock, the white one let me down.

“I suppose you have a point,” the white one conceded. “I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and goddess of the sun.”

“And we are Princess Luna,” the dark one said in a slightly louder voice. “Co-ruler of Equestria and Queen of the Night.”

I decided to take the matter into my own hands. A gave Luna a bow –not a deep one, mind you, just enough of a dip to show that I respected her. “It is an honor to meet you, Princess,” I said in a kind tone. She looked very surprised now. A slight smile graced her muzzle. I then turned to Celestia, and promptly spit in her face.

Everyone who was conscious at that point gasped. A few paralyzed guards gritted their teeth in disgust. Luna raised a hoof, and sent it flying towards my face, all smiles gone. I caught it. Celestia looked at me, a spark of irritation entering her eyes. “Why did you do such a thing, creature?”

“I, quite frankly, do not like you. Tell me, Princess, are you infallible?”

“N-no, I am not. Why do you ask?”

“Are you omnipotent?”

“No.”

“Are you ubiquitous?”

“What is the point of all this interrogating?” Celestia growled.

“Answer the question, Princess,” I replied calmly.

“…No.”

“Then shut your mouth.” Celestia looked positively outraged at my remark, but I pressed on. “Until you can do no wrong, have all power within your grasp, and can be in all places at once, then do not mock the Almighty by declaring yourself a goddess. Ithaniel has told me you have the power to move the sun, but it is a mere illusion. The sun travels through the sky just as it has done for eons before your time, and it will continue to do so for eons after. As goes the moon. Celestia, by the name of my ancestor Uriel, I will not stand here and watch you declare yourself an idol, when in reality, you are nothing more than a royal thief.” I really need to lay off the crazy awesome wizard shtick after this. Maybe grab a beer, go bowling, something like that.

“How dare you call me a thief?!” Celestia shouted, anger broiling below her coat. I simply raised my hand.

“Vindris, Aeterna,” I commanded. Blade and staff, resonating with my magical signature, zipped out of the Princesses’ grasps and clamped themselves to my hand.

“You just took my heirlooms; the only things that my ancestor granted me. And I’m taking them back.”

“You dare mock us!” Celestia said incredulously. Luna just stood there, slightly awed by my speech. 

“Unhand those relics; they are the sacred Sword of the Hearth and Lunar Stave!”

“No, they are not. Ithaniel has told me about these weapons as well, and they are still guarded in your vaults.”

Celestia bristled with rage, and the heat in the room doubled. I’m sure my eyes flashed in irritation, because my blood began to boil at the challenge.

Then I spontaneously combusted.

You’d think it would hurt, right? No. actually, it’s more like an adrenaline rush than anything else. I had to be careful, though, or my unrestrained power would lead my actions for me. I turned to face Celestia and Luna, my body a single blazing inferno. The Princesses’ eyes widened, and they backed away from me slightly.

“I suggest we hear your sister’s thoughts on the subject, Celestia,” I said as calmly as I could. My voice was a bit higher than normal, and much smoother and more fluid. Just another gift of angel blood.
Celestia still looked like she was going to explode, but she turned to Luna nonetheless. “Luna, what are your thoughts, then?”

“Well…” Luna looked torn between two things. “He does actually have a point, Tia.” Celestia’s eyes widen to disproportional size. “We can’t really be considered goddesses, even if we are semi-immortal. I just checked –the Sword of the Hearth and the Lunar Stave are still locked away in the vaults. And then there’s the fact that you were about to execute him on the spot. You’re letting your wounded pride mar your morals, Tia.”

Celestia stared at her sister for another moment before deeply exhaling. The heat in the room dropped a fair amount. “I guess you are right, as always, Luna. Creature, please douse yourself and have some tea with us. I promise that as long as you do not harm anypony, you yourself will not be harmed.”

I nodded, then focused on a calm, cool breeze. My fire slowly died down until I could put it out with flat willpower. I breathed deeply, lowering my simmering veins to a manageable level, before nodding to the Princesses. “Let’s go, then. I need something to cool off.”

Hebrew Translations:

1: Shatter