//------------------------------// // SPAM // Story: A Splendid Little Fanfic // by Turdy1 //------------------------------// Chapter 12: SPAM John facepalmed. Peashooter had explained what Michael said, including "…F-4E's and M-48A2's, whatever those mean." John shook his head, "Doesn't he realize the stresses a plane needs to deal with? Equestria doesn't have the capacity to manufacture a Mach 2 fighter! Ugh, whatever, they can keep their shoddy Phantoms, I have an aircraft planned that can reach its top speed without disintegrating." He turned to the Pegasus guard. "Well, I just need to check and see if Twilight got a reply. You can return to Canterlot for the day." "But I just- argh, fine. Sir." The Pegasus flew away. John then noticed Lyra sitting against the side of the Carousel Boutique. "Hey, I still have some stuff to do. You wanna come along?" The unicorn looked up. "Huh? Yeah, sure." As she got to her hooves, John approached her. "Still bummed out about what I said?" "Sorta…" "Well, let's put it this way, do you think?" "Yes," she replied, slightly confused. "Well, a guy whose name escapes me once said, 'I think, therefore I am.' If you can think, you are your own independent being. Also, you are adored by hundreds, possibly thousands of humans." That seemed to brighten her mood. He turned around. "Now, I'm hungry. We should get something to eat." After a quick meal, they headed to Twilight's tree-library-house. "Hey Twilight!" he called. The only one present was Spike. "She's out." He said. "Oh. Well, did you get any answers?" "Yep." The baby dragon handed him two letters. They both said practically the same thing. Both would meet him at noon in Ponyville tomorrow. The only thing is Willy Boing mentioned he would bring a few "Associates" with him. With that settled, John and Lyra left. "Anything else?" she asked. "Well, all I can think of is finding a place to stay. I'm going to be managing things from Ponyville, so I'll have to stay somewhere overnight." At this, a huge mile grew on her face. "You can stay with me and Bon Bon! It'll be awesome! I've never slept with a human before!" Her eyes widened, "That came out wrong, I meant I've never had a human-" John cut her off. "Yeah I understand. I'll stay with you guys until work on the castle is done. Now I just need to…oh." He stopped. "What wrong?" "I just realized I sent my only source of money back to Canterlot and I need a train ticket." "Oh, I'll just get some from home-" John cut her off. Again. "Nah, Don't bother. I only steal Peashooter's money. Besides, I'm in charge of the country! They'd HAVE to give me a free pass or something!" (Outside the Ponyville train station) "I can't believe they didn't give me a free pass or something." John said dejectedly as they left the station. "You barged in, jumped on a table, declared yourself ruler of the world, demanded a ticket to Canterlot, and claimed you would eat their souls if they didn't. How are you surprised?" She sighed "Anyway, I can still go home and-" Once again, John cut her off. "No, I got a better plan." (In the Hall of Justice, er, Canterlot…) Michael and Buckshot Smiles stood in the balcony of the castle. A small crowd had assembled to hear their new, temporary ruler deliver a speech to his people. All they knew was it involved a short life story and was referred to as "SpaceNAM!". Michael Gazed out at the rather confused crowd. In his most commanding voice, he declared said in his command voice: "Welcome citizens of Canterlot! I am Lord Michael Blackburn. I am your new ruler for a while, so I figure it's a good idea to tell you ALL more about me, and it will also help me explain why I am about to do. Ladies and gentleman, I give you: 'SPACE'NAM: PART 1: FIRST BLOOD PART 2: RETURN OF SPACENAM:'" Buckshot Smiles groaned. "Godesses…This story again…" he muttered. Michael rolled his eyes as he began his 'epic' tale "Back in 1621, using my time machine and bio-mechanical upgrades, I joined forces with Washington and Adolf Lincoln, Lincoln knew of a immanent space gook invasion backed by reaper fax machines and microwaves, so we talked to Leonardo da Vinci and had him build the SSV back to the future 'NAMmendy, and we set off to the dark side of the moon…" Murmurs began to rise from the crowd. They had no idea what he was talking about, and were wondering if whatever he was describing made him a truly great leader. Still, they continued to listen as Blackburn continued to ramble. "Well, so we landed right? And the first thing I noticed was that the dark side of the moon was EA's whore farm, being used as a training ground for the space gooks. So, the Best Buy (trademarked) geek squad husks backed by gooks in the space trees started shooting at us with their space SVD's. Washington took a round in his teeth and had to use hippopotamus teeth to replace them, as he had later noted in his lost mission log. So, I get into the goliath walker Leonardo built for us, and start shooting it's laser M-60's into the trees, and the gooks are just falling like leaves! so, then Adolf tossed a frag into the mass of reapers charging us and blue screened the ill-trained fucks...then as we advanced to the bunker that harbinger vacationed to...we met our greatest challenge yet: A HUGE Michael Bay bio-mechanical fighting machine. It came out and began shooting at us. Poor Adolf Lincoln...God, I can still remember the look on his face as that humping dog Bay launched hit him in the face. The screams of pleasure still haunt me. I moved my goliath in to finish the bastard off, but then, I was betrayed. George Washington got on the radio and said "DUDE! I'm still in the ship...that isn't me fighting with you!" I turned the mech in time to see Gary Coleman with a RPG-17 standing there, and before I could gun him down, he fired a deadly rocket at me. As it impacted, I screamed in orgasmic pleasure as the mech erupted in flames, falling to the ground. I felt my mind slipping as I died." Blackburn raised his hands "Don't worry, I came back from the dead, for all you non-human ladies out there. Yes, I am invincible, that's right. Well, back to the story:" "I found my mind and soul going to a light in the distance; at first i thought my true savior Canadian Jesus was taking me to maple valley where the syrup is made, or at least Odin taking me to Ragnarok. But, to a mix of horror and pleasure, I was met in the embrace...of Bill Cosby. He looked me in the eye and said these words I'll never forget: "OHHH...WELL YOU SEE...the afterlife is a lot like Jell-O Pudding... you got the death in the pudding and it's so good with the fruits and the chocolate, but...no, it's more like the New Coke." upon seeing I would be trapped with senile Cosby (not the good one from his early comedy days) I got the fuck out of there, and before I left, Cosby said "Well...I guess this life isn't for you…but, before you go, I have a present for you." In his hands, was an optic implant looking much like normal eyes, and a biotic amplifier, as well as a suit of power armor that had "GDI" on the side of it. In a flash, the parts disappeared from his hand, and I was now the ultimate war machine. I thanked Cosby with some New Coke as I felt my mind returning to the moon, and, like a wraith rising from the grave, I burst from the flaming wreckage of the goliath, with the biological upgrades Cosby had given me." Buckshot covered his ears, hoping the next 4 hours would pass quickly… (A bridge outside of Ponyville…) "I thought humans were wise. This is so stupid!" Lyra and John stood on a bridge running over some railroad tracks. John sat on the railing over the tracks. "Trust me, it's going to be awesome." "I don't think dying is very awesome." Lyra retorted. "I got it all figured out, this is the perfect spot to jump off." "Are you out of your mind?" She asked, "Don't do it!" "Why not?" the human asked. "Because you'll get killed, you nut-job!" She continued, "I know it doesn't bother you much, but you're the first human I've ever met! PLUS, how would I explain it if you died? If I said that one of the rulers of Equestria, out of the blue, decided it would be a fun idea to kill himself in front of me, it wouldn't sound too good. In fact, it would sound VERY BAD!" "You want to join me?" He patted the railing next to him. "NO!" "This is your loss…" At that moment, they heard a whistle. "Come on, I can hear it coming." "I said no!" The Canterlot-bound train approached the bridge. "Fine. Enjoy watching." The bridge was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. Lyra heard a thud, followed by a "Yeah!" As the smoke cleared, she realized john had vanished. Looking over the other side of the bridge, she saw a figure on one of the train cars. "Next stop Canterlot!" he called. (Back at Michael's Magical Story Hour…) "Lord" Blackburn had managed to continue his story for an amazing four hours without so much as a glass of water. But, as with all stories, this one came to it's inevitable end. "…and that's how I saved Christmas. Any questions?" Every single pony in the crowd stared at him, mouths agape. A few did manage to applaud him. "No? Well in that case, you are free to leave." The exact moment he said that, everypony in the square made a bee-line for anywhere else. Everypony, that is, except for one stallion. Curious, Michael left the balcony to investigate. He walked up to the stallion. "Hey, you're still here! Why didn't you leave with the others? Did my story blow your mind with a bonerfart?" The stallion turned his gaze to him. "No, quite the opposite…oh, forgive my rude manners. I am Vicktor Ridinoff, hailing from Stalliongrad. I was here in Canterlot on business when I noticed you giving this speech. It…it moved me! I have never heard a story that amazing in my life." Blackburn, rather awed due to finding a fan, said "Hey, why were you here in Canterlot? I am one of the new rulers right now; maybe I can help you out, and maybe you could help me!" Ridinoff nodded and said "Stalliongrad needs jobs, any kind, it does not matter. Over 10,000 ponies have nothing to do in life, and they live in poverty. They need work, and as for you, what do you need help with?" Blackburn waved him over to the castle and said "I need an advisor of sorts to help me out with my plans. If I help out the people of Stalliongrad, will you join me on my epic quest? It also means you can stay in the castle for your time here." Ridinoff held out his hoof and said "Ah, Blackburn; you are as kind as you are powerful. You have a deal. I shall go to my hotel and get my stuff and I shall see you again in mere moments!" As the Ridinoff left for the night, a familiar humanoid figure approached Blackburn. It looked like John Paul, but was covered head to toe in soot. "Hey man, you said you'd make Spam tonight, and by no means was I going to pass up an opportunity to sing Monty Python's Spam song!" He said. The two headed back to the castle. (After John singing about spam and dinner…) The two humans and their pony assistants headed to their rooms for the night. Suddenly, John stopped "Wait, We're in charge right?" "Yes, sir." Replied Peashooter. "And the princesses aren't even in the country any more, correct?" "Sir, what are you-" John cut him off, as he had the tendency to do. "Dibs on Luna's room!" And with that, he dashed down the hallway and slammed a door shut. Blackburn yelled so John could hear "I'll take the basement. It will be much easier on my skin and lungs! see you later, I have to type up the story of spaceman in hardback format!" He quickly retreated to the shadows of the basement, eager to do his own bidding. As he went down the stairs, with a small set of items, including a bedroll and some bread, Ridinoff trotted up to him. "So…anything you need me to do?" Blackburn scratched his ass. "Can you train ponies to fight?" He asked. "Absolutely!" He declared, a certain glimmer in his eye. The human looked down and said "Are you made of gasoline, metal, or bacon?" Ridinoff raised an eyebrow "Uh, all three?" Blackburn thought for a second and said "Bring some bedding down to the basement. I will fill you in on the plans, 5-star general of the new Equestrian Army." Ridinoff nodded with a smile. "Delighted to, sir!" And with that, he ran off to get his gear as Blackburn put down his stuff, and began prepping a "war room". He had to wonder what his buddy John was doing for the betterment of his newfound country. Fricken finally! Yeah, this chapter's a bit late, but better late than never. SpaceNAM! is Mike's creation (reportedly, it's a lot longer). As was the Gasoline, metal, or bacon bit. That one caused some confusion, but I found a better way to write it. My bit with the train was inspired by the Civil Protection episode On a Rail. If you've never seen it, I recommend it. and while your there, try Freeman's Mind. I honestly would've sung the Spam song, but the chapter was getting long. But, as you can see, we're developing some sort of separate plans. Feel free to speculate on what happens next. And please review. Feedback is essential to improving the story.