//------------------------------// // Band Geeks // Story: My Little Pony: Square Pants Are Magic // by Ultimauser50 //------------------------------// The story starts with Squidward playing his clarinet until doorbell rings. Squidward answers the door only to be greeted by Nurse Red Heart. “Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises.” Squidward slams door in her face and his shellphone begins to ring, Squidward picks it up. “Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the- *plays a foul clarinet note*” “Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?” Squidward gasps in shock. “Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!” “I hear you're playing the cash register now.” “Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?” “It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the THREE-BIT HAROMY next week." Squidward stammers in shock. “The thr-thr-thr…The thr-thr-thr…The thr-thr-thr..." “That's right. I'm living YOUR dream Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us. I’m sure you have a band right? I mean, you do know the sun goddess Celestia right? So it’s only obvious that some one of your ‘caliber’ would have a band, right?” “Ohh, uhh, I…I, uhh…” “I knew it! You know the high esteemed Celestia and STILL don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.” “HOLD IT! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're going to play that Three-bit Harmony! How do you like that, Fancyboy?!” “Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the princesses and audience brings lots of…Ibuprofen.” Squilliam hangs up the phone. “I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum…hehe…band humor.” Later in Equestria most of the citizens start noticing the flyers. “Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?” reads Sandy. “Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Equestria.” Plankton reads to Discord. “And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.” Twilight reads to Pinkie Pie. “Not to mention free refreshments.” reads Mr.Krabs. “Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp.” reads Larry, Big Mac and AppleJack. Squidward looks at his watch while driving a carriage loaded with instruments. “Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.” Squidward walks into the town hall and everyone there are ‘talking’ to each other in the language of blah. “People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?” “Do instruments of torture count?” “No.” “How about instruments of chaos?” asked Discord. “No.” “Is mayonnaise an instrument?” “No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.” Patrick raises his hand again. “Horse radish is not an instrument, either.” Patrick lowers his hand. “How about cupcake frosting? That can be an instrument…of yummyness!” “*sigh* No Pinkie, cupcake frosting is not an instrument neither. That's fine. No one has experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.” Squidward laughs at his ‘joke’ which everyone else in the hall didn’t find funny, nor clever. “When do we get the free food?” “Ok, try to repeat after me.” Squidward plays 6 notes. “Brass section, go.” The brass section which consists of Pearl, AppleJack, and Rarity repeats. “Good. Now the wind.” The wind section which consists of Mrs. Puff, Twilight, and AppleJack repeats. “And the drums.” The drum players which consists of SpongeBob, Pinkie Pie, and Spike misunderstood what Squidward means and they blow on their drum sticks which blow out of there mouths and stick Squidward to the wall. “Too bad that didn't kill me.” -Five minuets later- “Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.” “Is this the part where we start kicking?” “No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.” “Kicking?! I want to do some kicking!” Patrick kicks Sandy in her leg and AppleJack right on her Cutie Mark. “Ow! Why, you…!” A dust cloud of beatings appears when Sandy and AppleJack both jump at Patrick. The fight moves outside of an open door which then closes. The last thing that is heard is Patrick’s scream of agony. Then things went silent, until Patrick pokes his head through the door with a horse shoe mark on his forehead. “Whoever's the owner of a white carriage, you’re missing a wheel on the left side.” Patrick walks in with his head and torso separated by a trombone, his head in the horn, and his body is literally covered with bruises and horse shoe marks. Patrick walks in and plays a tune with a series of A and B-flats, which made Discord and Plankton laugh there heads off. Patrick takes a seat and he plays a loud blare as the trombone stick goes down and opens his mouth then when the note is over he looks down with his head straight. With day two starting the band is walking down Ponyville playing. “Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move!!! C'mon, move!!!” The flag twirlers which consist of Discord and Gilda begin to spin at top speed upon doing so they fly into the air and explode when running into a blimp. The trumpet player plays "Taps" and Squidward lies down on street, curled up in a ball. -The third day- “How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?” “It's tremendous! Ya wanna see?” Plankton runs to his harmonica and plays the first note, and runs along and plays another note, then runs down and plays three notes at the same time. He grows tired and walks slowly to another note but this time he has trouble playing it and falls down and with his saliva flowing from his mouth. “Outstanding.” said Squidward rhetorically. He then turns his attention to Pinkie Pie. “*sigh* Alright Pinkie, what do you have for a trombone solo?” “Oh! It’s a great one! Watch this!” Pinkie plays “Row Row Row Your Boat” until her trombone stick slips out of her hoof and it launches out of the trombone and into Squidward’s eye, causing him to scream in pain and run into a wall. “Oops! Sorry Squidy!” “Again, too bad that didn’t kill me.” -On day four- “Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began…” Patrick and Pinkie Pie are chewing on a trumpet. “…but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?” “CORRECT!!” replied Plankton and Discord. “So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready?” Everybody gets their instruments ready. “And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four!” Instantly a piercing loud horrible sound from the instruments breaks the windows apart and causes a small earthquake. The loud horrible sound was so powerful it even woke Luna. “Huh?” said Luna lifting her head from her pillow. Back at the Town Hall Squidward's face is deformed like a Picasso painting and his wand for the direction of music breaks in half. “Okay, new theory..... Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.” “Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!” yelled Trixie. “What did you say, punk?!” “BIG, MEATY CLAWS!” “Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates.” “You dare challenge Trixie?! Bring it on, old crustacean! Bring it on! “No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.” “SpongeBob is right. We’re a band and bands have to stick together.” said Twilight. “Oh ho, so now the book worm is going to preach to us.” said Octavia. Everyone quickly begins to argue. “Wait, wait. I know tensions are high.” Before Squidward could get another word in everyone gets into a fight. Caramel and Larry are yelling at each other until DJ-PON3 slams a drum on him. “There's a deposit on the equipment, people!” Everyone is now using their instruments as weapons. Mr. Krabs and Trixie charge with clarinets like a joust but they slow down as Big Mac slams them with cymbals. “Settle down, please.” Sandy and Derpy get into a fight until Sandy destroys Derpy's xylophone by chopping it with a drum stick and she runs away. Patrick who hadn’t learned from the last time, runs up and kicks Sandy. Sandy glares and snarls at Patrick while Patrick just starred at her. “AppleJack! Patrick hasn’t learned his lesson yet! I think it’s time for another one!” “Ah’m waaay ahead of ya.” AppleJack picks up two gong sticks and hands Sandy one. “Ya might wanna run now.” Patrick screams and runs off as Sandy and AppleJack chases him and the clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting. “Hey, class is over!” said Carrot Top. Everyone walks to the door making up with each other on their fight until Squidward slams the doors open. “Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing.” “You're welcome.” said Patrick and Pinkie Pie. “What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Dinky, when you were trapped in a fire, who rescued you?" “A firepony.” “And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?” “Some guy in an ambulance.” “And Big Mac when-” “Uhh, SpongeBob. None of the things your listing have anything to do with Squidward. Could you please get on with your point?” said Twilight. “Oh, right. What I was trying to say was, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a firepony, or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band.” “Yeah, for the fireponies!” shouted Caramel causing everyone to cheer. “Now let's make Squidward proud. A-one, a-two, a-skiddleydiddleydoo.” -The next day at the Three-bit Harmony- “I knew this was going to happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that…” As if on cue Squidward spots Squilliam “…SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!! AH! What are you doing here?” Squilliam laughs. “I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?” “Um, they couldn't come. They…died.” “Then who's that?” asked Squilliam pointing past Squidward. “AH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!” “We're ready to perform, Squidward.” “Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band with look.” SpongeBob and Pinkie Pie dance while flicking there tongues back and forth. “That's there…eager face.” Squilliam laughs as they all go into the Three-bit Harmony. “Well, I guess I’ll be moving back to Bikini Bottom sooner than I thought.” “That's the spirit, Squidward.” said SpongeBob as the platform raises above a football field. “Ok, football fans. Put your hooves together for the Equestria SuperBand!!!!! The crowd (who are changelings btw) cheers as the platform stops in the middle of the field. “We’re playing in Queen Chrysalis’ kingdom? I didn’t know that.” said Twilight. “Me neither.” said AppleJack. “These are some ugly looking ponies.” said Patrick. “You’re telling me. What the heck happened to there faces and there hooves.” asked DJ-PON3. “Maybe we're one of those toxic waste dumps.” “I think I'm gonna be sick.” “Ok, everybody.” Squidward said nervously. “Let's get this over with. One, two, three, four...”