//------------------------------//
// Chapter 1: A Rude Awakening 
// Story: Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Panther of the Bluebloods 
// by Rodinga 
//------------------------------//

	It was the dream, again.
    
I found myself in the gardens of the royal palace in Canterlot. The hedges and bushes are just as they were when I came here on a school field trip. It was also the closest thing to a field that we actually visited. Still, the real gardens should look different after a decade or so of attention.

I wandered aimlessly, no matter what route I took I would always end up in the same place and in front of the same statue. I never learned its name or whatever it represented but whatever my life had in store for me changed when I touched it and it spoke to me.

The sun was low in the sky – as usual – and the Statue was the last one bathed in the evening light. The Statue itself was made from a mixture of parts to form a chimera locked in the midst of a dance. It was an unusual sight, I always noticed new details of it’s construction every time I saw it.

“Are you bored?” It asked as I approached.

“Yes,” I answered testily. “Yes I am. This is the same dream I’ve had a thousand times before.” I glared up at it’s stony face. “You’re going to say, ‘Cheer up little colt, I’m sure you’ll live in interesting times.’ Like you always do and I’ll wake up in my big comfortable bed.”

“Cheer up little colt,” It said as its stone head turned to look at me. “I’m sure you’ll come to the attention of important ponies.”

I froze, “What? Hang on, you don’t break script in this deam.” 

“Well that sounds too predictable for me,” it joked and broke into laughter. Its entire body twisting with merriment as the dream world around me tore itself apart. I stood staring at it as discordant notes filled the air around me.



    
I woke with a start, gasping briefly as adrenalin shot through my body. I cracked my neck and yawned. I wouldn’t be getting back to sleep anytime soon so I decided to get moving.

I loosened myself out of the grip of the mare sharing my bed, not easily either, separating myself from the four limbs wrapped around me. Lucky Catch was always the clingy type. Once I slipped out of my bed and onto the floor she reached out to hold me again. I stood up and put a pillow between her legs for her to hug instead.

I crept out of the bedroom down the hallway and into my bathroom. Once I was inside I shut the door and did what everypony does first thing in the morning, emptied my bladder.

Last night had been interesting; Lucky Catch had come down to Ponyville from Canterlot to see me again and help celebrate the second anniversary of my arrival in Ponyville. It also coincided with the second anniversary of our “relationship”, such as it was.

To celebrate I’d opened a small cask of cider that I ordered from Sweet Apple Acres months prior. I’d paid nearly twice what it was worth for the privilege of being able to “pre-order it” before Pinkie Pie could drain the entire supply and I could set it aside in my basement to ferment. Alcohol was still banned in Equestria so it became one of my many secrets. When Applejack asked me a few days later about how it had tasted I had to lie to her face. Of course the living lie detector saw right through my dishonesty immediately and warned me not to sell it to anypony else or she’d never let me have another cup.

As you might imagine the alcoholic cider went to some good use last night. We didn’t drink all of it either, I planned to save the rest of it for the Summer Sun Celebration in a few days. It was the first time Ponyville had been selected to host the event and I planned to celebrate it properly. Catch planned to stay the extra few days and took time off from work so she could join me.

My business with last night’s cider concluded, I checked my appearance in the mirror: dark tan coat, hourglass cutie mark and my mane was still spiky in the way that only pillows could achieve properly.

         I trotted out of my bathroom and peaked around my bedroom door. Lucky Catch was still wrapped around the pillow with her curly mane covering her face. I closed the door quietly and went downstairs.

The front room of my house, where I received most of my guests, is filled with clocks. Most are pendulum based with a few more that require winding every few months. These clocks are a necessary part of the act I put on for Ponyville’s residents, where I’m known as the resident timekeeper.

With a name like “Time Turner” and an hourglass on my flank it’s only natural that I’m charged with keeping the town’s clocks running on time. Truth be told that’s only one of my jobs and it’s also the only one that goes on my tax return.

The position of “timekeeper” is a sinecure: a job that requires little to no work and serves as a cover for my real job, I am Time Turner the Discordian Detective. After a dangerous case two years ago when marefia thugs attempted to attack me in my own office I decided to lay low in Ponyville.

It’s quiet, a great place to live and everypony knows everypony else. That means anypony who follows me here with the intent to hurt me will stick out like an orange in an apple orchard. Unsurprisingly I decided I liked it here and made it my permanent home. I simply travel back to Canterlot whenever somepony requests my services.

As for what a Discordian Detective does, the answer is in the basement where Lucky Catch found me a few minutes later. Down here is my “Mystery Room” where the walls are covered with notes, newspaper clippings and pictures. This is where I track discord and disharmony. In our harmonious world any misdeed or strange event leaves a chaotic “ripple” in the underlying harmony. Following these signs of chaos will generally lead me to whatever I need to find, thus “Discordian Detective”. Lucky Catch came down to find me studying one of my oldest notes: “Beware the Panther”.

“Timey Whimey,” she asked using my pet name. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“It was just a bad dream, didn’t want to wake you,” I reassured with my focus remaining on my wall.

“‘Interesting Times’ again?” Despite previous attempts to hide my troubles from her, Catch had quickly caught onto my dream problems. It’s fairly easy when I talk in my sleep.

“It was, ‘You’ll come to the attention of important ponies’ this time.” She paused for moment, time that I spent contemplating the words myself.

“What does that mean?” she asked, as clueless as I was.

“It’s the first time ‘It’ changed the script, so it means something.” Then I added, “Celestia buck me if I know what it means.”

There was a resounding series of bangs from upstairs, three knocks and a pause before they came again. Catch glanced at one of the ever present clocks.

“It’s four-thirty in the morning, why would somepony be at your door at this hour?”

“Let’s go find out,” I murmured as I started upstairs.



    
It was still another hour or so before Celestia was due to raise the sun and it was still dark outside, figures. I turned on a lamp, unlocked my front door and opened it to reveal the pair standing on my front porch.

My first thought was, oh Tartarus, they found me. Followed by, I should have expected the Equestrian Internal Revenue Inquisition.

A pair of royal guards-ponies stood outside my door in the lamp light. You know what they look like, everypony knows. It’s called a uniform for a reason: White coats, gold armour, stony expression.

“Are you the earth pony known as ‘Time Turner’?” the one on the left demanded.

“The EIRS has no reason to wake me so early in the morning. I paid my taxes on time, in full and this house is not too expensive for my declared income when I had to rebuild it myself.” 

These were all outright lies, I “forgot” to declare my earnings from my job as a detective and I was only taxed for the meagre wage of a timekeeper. The house was paid for with a lump sum of cash the Marefia “misplaced”. Naturally the EIRS have been asking questions about how I could afford it.

“Sir we are not here on behalf of the EIRS…” the one on the right began.

Thank you Celestia, I thought to myself.

“… but I must now ask why you were expecting the EIRS to wake you this early in the morning.”

it’s too early in the morning for this. I sighed, “alright, let’s try this again, reset.”

Time froze and began to flow backwards to a point before I had opened the door and annoyed a pair of royal guards. The ability to turn back time by short periods is my special talent. Few ponies know about it and the only clue to it is in my name; “Time Turner”. It’s a wonderful ability that helps me avoid all those silly mistakes we all make and for winning card games—I didn’t pay tax on my last trip to Los Pegasus either.

It might sound awesome, but it’s nothing compared to what I’ve seen Pinkie Pie do (1). The reset only goes back forty two seconds at most so it’s not like I’m traveling throughout time and space. Well, not yet anyway.

Where was I? Oh yes, the door. Two guards, check.

“Are you the earth pony known as ‘Time Turner’?” the one on the left demanded.

“Yes, it is 4:30 in the morning, did your clock break? I can fix in half an hour,’ I offered.

“Sir?” he asked.

“Time Turner, I’m Ponyville’s resident timekeeper. It’s now 4:31 AM.”

“We understood that Time Turner the Discordian Detective could be found here.”

My eyes narrowed, “and if you found him?”

“We are here on behalf of a noble of the royal court,” the one on the right grunted.

“Appointments are made by mail, addressed to my post box, in Canterlot.”

“The situation required an immediate personal meeting.”

“Then I’ll meet said noble in Canterlot tomorrow,” I finished, preparing to slam the door in their faces.

“I am already here, commoner,” said a cultured male voice. The owner stepped dramatically out of the shadows and into the light. There was a gasp from behind me as Lucky Catch threw herself onto the ground in front of the noble pony.

“Prince Blueblood, we are honoured by your presence,” she grovelled.

You will come to the attention of important ponies, I thought as I remembered the statue’s words. I really hate it when that thing’s right.




We sat down in my front room. Catch and I sat on my sofa while Blueblood claimed my favourite chair. Silence ruled the room as Blueblood refused to speak until his guards had checked every room in my house and swept my front room for eavesdropping enchantments.

I was not happy with this intrusion on my private life. A lot of time and bits went into ensuring that I would be difficult to find, yet Blueblood managed to find me so quickly. This sort of thing was setting off alarm bells off in my head. I was well hidden, either Blueblood was desperate enough to spend a lot of bits to uncover my tracks or the authorities knew more about me then they should.

After we spent several minutes sitting in the uncomfortably silent room the pair of Royal Guards returned to their lord, taking up places on either side of him.

“All clear sir,” the one on the left announced.

Blueblood nodded, “Good, now we can begin.” He used his magic to levitate a folder out of his coat and placed it on the coffee table between us. “I trust everything said here will be held in the strictest confidence. If any word of this gets out I will make sure nopony in Equestria will ever deal with you again.” The threat was delivered calmly and without menace, he wasn’t kidding.

“Of course,” I replied. “That’s the golden rule after all. I wouldn’t be a very good private detective if I didn’t keep things private.” It wasn’t really a golden rule, more of a guideline, but if leaked the secrets I knew I’d get a bad reputation. In any case, I doubt somepony could outbid the Prince for the price of my discretion.

“I would like you to take an oath to that effect,” he demanded, “both you and your assistant.” Catch perked up at that, I think she liked the idea of being my assistant. She was involved now so I might as well take her along on this one.

“Of course,” I replied. “I’d even be willing to pinkie swear.”

“Excuse me?” Blueblood asked

“Local expression, it means a lot around here (2).”

“You will keep this in confidence then.”

“I swear to hold this discussion and what follows in confidence, except where breaking said confidence is necessary to act on your behalf.” The prince’s eyes narrowed at my oath. I always make sure to include a loophole.

“I swear to follow the same,” Lucky Catch added after I finished.

The Prince released his hold on the folder and let it fall on my coffee table. I opened it to find fuzzy out-of-focus pictures of what appeared to be a large black cat.

“Missing cat?” I asked. “I’ll be able to find it quickly enough. It wouldn’t be the first time (3).” Catch giggled as she remember that adventure as well.

“That ‘cat’ is an ancient legend,” Blueblood said.

“The picture doesn’t look ancient,” Catch observed.

Blueblood glared at Catch until she withered back in the seat and shut up. “This picture was taken two days ago, I believe it to be the ‘Panther of the Bluebloods’.” He paused, clearly expecting some form of surprised gasp from one of us. When neither of us recognised the name he muttered “peasants” before explaining, “The panther is a legendary beast that has been associated with my family. That creature was responsible for the death of Prince Blueblood the fourth over a thousand years ago.”

Intrigued I leaned forward, “So what does it want with you?”

“The… beast has been following me,” a note of fear slipped into his voice. “Each night for the past week it has followed me. At first it watched from a distance and I considered it to merely be an illusion or the result of an upset stomach. But each night since it has gotten closer, it watches me through windows and follows me whenever I switch rooms. Even when I left Canterlot for my winter residence it was there waiting for me. I even suspect it’s outside this house right now.”

“Has anypony else seen it?”

“My guards have both witnessed it.” He indicated both of them as the one on the right was looking out a window onto the street.

“Have you told anypony else?”

“Who would believe me?” He snorted, “All I have is out of focus pictures and the word of two guards sworn to obey me. The royal guard refuses to investigate it, ‘a waste of resources with the approaching summer sun celebration’ they say.”

“So you came to me.”

“Auntie suggested that I come to you. She said you would believe what I paid you to believe and that you might be the right pony for the job.”

Auntie? I thought to myself, Last time I checked Blueblood doesn't have a living uncle or aunt, unless… sweet Celestia… he means Princess Celestia. No wonder he found me so fast.

I kept the surprise from my face, “so what do you want me to do?”

“Find out who or what is responsible for this, before it kills me.”

I nodded. “I accept, but before we get started there is one more thing to discuss.” I leaned forward. “I’m sure you’ll find my rates reasonable and fair.”



 
The Prince made to leave as quickly as he came, leaving my house before the sun rose again. When the time came I followed him and his escorts to the chariot outside.

The prince pointed down the street. “Believe me now?” he mounted his chariot quickly as his guards hitched themselves while I was focused on what was down the street.

The Panther, it sat patiently at the end of the road watching the Prince. It was a smokey black colour that never seemed to sit still as if were just a puff of smoke in an odd shape. I turned to see the Prince’s chariot take off, departing Ponyville with nopony the wiser of his visit. Turning back to look at the panther I saw that it had disappeared as well.

I returned inside to find Lucky Catch still sitting on my sofa staring at the bag of bits in front of her. The Prince had been desperate and all too willing to part with the large amount of bits I’d specified for the pair of us, even promising to pay for any expenses we might incur.

The sound of the front door closing behind me brought Catch out of her trance. She looked at me and gave me a grin. “So I’m your assistant now?”

“I suppose so, provided that Blueblood keeps paying for you.”

“This is so exciting. It’s been ages since we’ve had a chance to work together.” She clapped her hooves and I returned a smile back at her, even though I didn’t really mean it.

“We’ll have to catch the early train to Canterlot, but first we need breakfast.” I led the way out the front door and locked it behind us.



    
There is only one place in Ponyville where breakfast is available before the sun rises: Sugar Cube Corner. Most bakeries start early in the morning to make sure their treats are ready for hungry ponies that rise with Celestia, and the Cakes are no exception. There’s another reason I go to Sugar Cube Corner on early mornings, yesterday’s stock is available for half price.

As I opened the door to the bakery I was hit with a wave of bakery-ness: the smell of bread and treats that were baking in the ovens, the heat coming from the kitchen and finally the wave of chaos known locally as Pinkie Pie.

“Hey Time Turner, you’re up early, which is strange for you because you tend to sleep in, even though you’re all about time and being on time. So that means something got you out of bed early, is it another mysterious trip to Canterlot? Or did you have one of those bad dreams again?” She paused with a smile waiting patiently for an answer. After living in Ponyville for a while you get used to Pinkie’s jabbering.

“Both actually, Pinkie. Do you have any muffins today?”

“Uh-huh, which is really unusual because Ditzy usually gets them all and… oh hi there, Lucky Catch, it’s good to see you back in Ponyville. Did you want another party?” During Pinkie’s chatter Lucky Catch had placed herself between me and the party pony.

“Oh it’s fine… uh… Pinkie, I had a party in Canterlot and I’m sure you’re busy with the Summer Sun coming up.”

“Oh yeah, we’re baking sooo many goodies for the all-night party. It’s going to be supertasticly amazing.” 

Before either of the girls could say anything further, I leaned over my obstructive marefriend to order my breakfast from Pinkie. “Pinkie, can we get a cheese scroll and a muffin each. I’ll also have a large cup of coffee.”

“Okie-dokie-loki,” Pinkie replied before disappearing off to the kitchens.

Still leaning over Catch I steered her toward one of the tables where we took our seats while we waited for Pinkie to return.

“So,” Catch started to ask, “they sell coffee here… is that why she was like that?”

“Actually no, that was just Pinkie being Pinkie. I actually checked to see if her ‘pinkieness’ was coffee related but it turns out that she doesn’t like it, it’s too bitter for her tastes.”

“So, how friendly is she toward you?” Catch asked in a blatant attempt to scope out the ‘competition’.

“She’s friends with everypony,” I replied and Catch seemed to relax a little. In the game of love the competition between mares for a stallion was always high, and Catch played to win.

Pinkie soon returned with our order, bouncing up to the table with four pastry bags hanging in her mouth and a coffee cup balancing precariously on her head. Keeping that cup balanced on her head as she bounced toward us was only one of the minor impossibilities Pinkie performed on a daily basis.

I paid her with bits from Blueblood’s advance and took note of the cost so I could add it to the expenses list I’d issue the prince later.

“So,” I began to ask Catch between mouthfuls of pastry. “Do you think you can help me deal with this Panther?”

“You actually believe the Prince?” Catch asked.

“And you don’t? You were so eager to bow toward him earlier.” I chided with a smile. “So now you doubt him.”

“I…uh… he’s the prince and he’s such a fetching stallion. But this Panther can’t actually be real, It’s a legend like vamponies or Ahuizotl.” Catch meant well but she could be so wrong sometimes; legends have a nasty habit of turning out to be true.

“So he’s better looking than me?” I teased. She’d been fixated on me for so long I was beginning to think I’d never get her to look at anypony else.

“Yes, but you already have me, Timey. I’m not going anywhere.” She finished with one of her more seductive smiles. “I was going to wait until the summer sun celebration, but since we’re going to miss it I’ll just ask you now.” The alarm bells in my mind began to ring.

Catch leaned forward across the table and what was left of our breakfast to look into my eyes. “Time Turner, will you marr—“

“Reset!”

“—just a legend like vamponies or Ahuizotl,” Catch finished her earlier statement as the reset finished.

I killed my retort before I could say it. Catch had been trying to propose to me for the last year or so and she was getting more brazen as time went on.

“Well, about that panther…”

“What about it?” she asked.

“Could you do anything with it?” I asked mainly because Catch is a veterinary nurse and pets were her special talent.

“I’m only good with tame and domesticated pets. A wild animal like a panther wouldn’t listen to me.”

That was a shame, this would be much easier if we could just march right up to the thing and just tell it to go away. Thankfully the topic shift put her safely into non matrimonial territory. The only thing that was close to me on Catch’s obsession list was pets and it was my best weapon in defending my bachelorhood.

Not that I don’t like her. She’s a wonderful mare with a kind demeanour that can switch to fiery temper on a moment’s notice, with associated acts of directed violence. Our first and second meetings were both acts of random – or chaotic – coincidence that led her to believe that our meeting was destined by fate. Considering how sadistically brilliant fate can be, she might just be right.

Pinkie Pie came back out of the kitchen a moment later looking confused. “Hmm, my hooves got all dancy. That usually means that somepony has just done something that needs a party, but now it feels like it didn’t happen somehow.” Pinkie paused for a moment to think before bursting back into her normal bubbly self and bounced back into the kitchen singing a tune.

Catch turned to look at me with an eyebrow raised, “What was that all about?”

I shrugged and just said, “Its Pinkie Pie.” Privately I planned to add another entry to her file. Pinkie’s twitches can predict events prevented by reset. Evidence suggests predicted events can be prevented but short lead time will probably make that difficult. Perhaps this is proof of freewill in the games of fate and destiny?

A slurping sound broke me from my thoughts. I looked back at Catch to find her slurping the last of my coffee out of my cup with my straw. She looked guilty for a moment before she tried to talk her way out of it. “You shouldn’t let yourself get distracted,” she chided with a smile. ”Anyway if Pinkie is as crazy as you say then trying to understand her will just drive you mad.”

“So let me get this straight, I’m a timekeeper with a secret life outside this town in which I’m a detective who solves mysteries using the intricate balance of chaos and harmony in events of the world around me. I routinely cheat at cards, my cutie mark is a paradox and somehow studying Ponyville’s Premier Party Pony is going to make me even more insane?”

Lucky Catch considered this for a minute and then asked, “Your cutie mark is a paradox?”

“Ask me about it sometime.” I stood up and stretched. “Let’s get going, we have a train to catch.”

Catch nodded and slid out of her seat, stretching her own legs as she stood on her hooves. As we moved toward the exit Pinkie Pie bounced out of the kitchen with a large bag in her mouth.

“Hey Turner, here’s some extra muffins for your trip to Canterlot,” she said somehow speaking clearly through the bag in her mouth. 

I took the bag and put it in one of my saddlebags.“Thanks Pinkie, how much do I owe you?”

“Oh nothing, it’s just something to help keep a smile on your face during the train ride.” She gave me a wide smile and added, “When you get back I’ll throw you a super awesome spectacular pinkie party to help you celebrate.”

I raised an eyebrow and smiled, “celebrate what, Pinkie?”

“Oh you’ll see,” she returned with a wink and went back to the kitchen.

Catch gave me a bemused look, “Any guesses to what she meant by that?”

“Nope, in that way lies madness,” I admitted with a chuckle as we both began to make our way towards my house to prepare for my return to Canterlot.




        
Luna’s Notes: 

(1) Pinkie Pie remains a mystery to everypony. Even to Time Turner who hast spent much of his time in Ponyville observing and recording observations about her. Despite his efforts and a significant section of the “Mystery Room”, he remains little more enlightened than Twilight Sparkle on the matter.

(2) We doubt Time Turner would actually allow himself to be bound by a Pinkie Promise. It’s more likely to be enforced.

(3)Time Turner is referring to a previous case he calls: “The Missing Kitten of Inspiration” during which he located Rarity’s lost cat, Opalescence.