//------------------------------// // Chapter 17: Letting Go? // Story: Proxy // by Thithle Candytufth //------------------------------// The door to the guest room of Star Swirl Academy opened slowly. Twilight Sparkle slipped in, her body shambling over to the bed with her head held back. Twilight collapsed onto the starry bedspread, her limbs outstretched, the scarf falling on her face and covering her eyes. She groaned slightly, staring through the fibers of the cloth and up to the ceiling. The tape had been placed beside the cassette player, inches away from her reach. Can’t I do anything right? She rubbed the cloth against her face with a hoof. I probably either confused or offended them beyond all reason. And this is the second time Lavender’s had to bail me out from my awkwardness! Twilight sighed, shaking her head from beneath the scarf. Every time I’m with them I end up talking myself into a corner. They probably think I’m totally crazy. Twilight pulled the scarf off from her face and looked at it in her hooves. Maybe you’re overthinking this. She pulled it back over her face. I never overthink things. There are countless occasions in which you’ve overthought to the point of creating a new problem entirely. No, that’s not true— You’re not fooling anyone, Twilight Sparkle. Overthinking has been your job, practically. And this time, you don’t have your friends to talk you down. My friends… Twilight turned over and buried her face in her pillow. You’re right. Every time they’d try to stop me from hurting myself with my self-destructive craziness, I’d shove them off. Spike, especially, would have— Spike is gone. He’s made it his goal to never see you again. It doesn’t matter what he would do if he were here. That’s not true at all! Spike, and all of my friends, would want me to heed everything they’ve told me, whether or not it was in reality or not. Isn’t there some value to what they’ve said? All of them, including Spike, only said what the Princess forced them to say. The Spike you knew and the Spike that sent you that letter are two completely different entities. But I knew the real Spike ever since he was born. I know what he would say to me. Twilight sat up and looked forward. He’d say. ‘Twilight, you’re overthinking this, and you’re only hurting yourself with how you’re behaving.’ Twilight lowered her head. And do you believe what this theoretical Spike says? She nodded vigorously. Yes, yes I do. She paused for a moment. Thoughts of the fabricated world, the illusory Ponyville and the mare responsible flooded in. She shook her head. You need to forget about them. You’re confusing the fabrication with reality. The Spike you knew was impulsive, childish, and of no help to you. Whoever you had as your companion in the fabrication was some analogous creature Celestia must have had, just in the form and voice of Spike. She shook her head wildly and pressed her hooves against the comforter beneath her. Regardless of whether or not he was true, I know what he said, no, what all of them said to me has some value. It is difficult to let go of all of this, but for your own sake, you must. I don’t need to let go of everything to move on. You need to forget. But there’s no way I could possibly forget, and I don’t think that I even should. You are causing yourself far more pain than is necessary. It would hurt me more if I forced myself to forget them. There is nothing worth remembering, Twilight Sparkle. Did I learn absolutely nothing from my time in Celestia’s Ponyville? If you keep holding onto them, you’ll end up the same wreck of a mare as she is. Perhaps you’re right. Twilight flopped over onto the bed and looked at the ceiling. Maybe the best course of action really is letting go. She turned her body over. She pressed her face against the pillow. But I don’t want to lose them… She felt a lump well in her throat. She coughed as tears seeped into the pillowcase. But I have to. Having their long-decayed corpses held above me for the rest of my life cannot possibly do me any good. But holding onto those thoughts, the good times and the lessons I’ve learned surely would do me some good, right? I know, it’s really difficult. I miss them all so much. But what about Lavender, Solar Flare and Bay Breeze? Aren’t they here for you? They’ve shown you so much kindness, having only known you for a few days! Isn’t that something? I’m sure those three are just tolerating me at this point. Lavender clearly cares about you, and so do her friends. But I have to keep lying to them? They won’t understand. It is best for the four of you for that to completely disappear. But I still love them… You have to either choose between the friends you never had in the past, or the friends generously outstretching their hooves to you, asking only that you accept them. Why can’t I just have both? Every time you think of them, or what had happened to you, you end up only confusing yourself and others. I know I’m trying to hold on to an unreciprocated, falsified friendship. But those fake memories are still the most precious things I have. And I can never let go. And I’m hurting myself, I know. I may never get better. But I’m not sure if I even want to. You have to get better. You don’t want to be feeling like this forever. You have to release these toxic memories. I want them to still be here. I don’t want them to go. If I can’t have them here by my side, can’t I still hold onto them in my mind? She raised her hind legs and kicked down at the mattress. Why can’t I have them here? Why was that not real? Why do I have to be left here confused and alone? Twilight pushed her face as far as she could into the pillowcase, but its plush form did little to muffle the sound of her sobbing. Her ear pressed to the door, Lavender looked down at the floor in dismay. She shuffled out of the hallway, looking at her hooves as they dragged on the hardwood.