Elijah sat down on a tree stump outside of town, tired of it all. He knew that trying to quit would be pointless. This problem wasn’t like cancer, it wouldn’t just go away if he ignored it. Elijah had to go and face this problem and deal with it like a man.
The blonde boy stood up, and started wandering around Ponyville in no particular direction. Anywhere was better than just sitting on a stump, rotting away.
There was a slight sizzling noise, the smell of sulphur, and a pop! which signified the return of Elijah’s compatriot, the fat devil.
“Well,” the portly poltergeist said, snarfing down a lard covered twinkie wrapped in bacon, “Up next on your list in Applejack!”
Elijah put his hand up to his chin, squinted, and reflected upon this. “How about ‘no’?”
The devil gave him a blank stare. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”
“I don’t like Applejack,” Elijah said simply.
The devil was overcome with an abundance of cannot even. He was unable to even. He could not even. He was so unbelievably able to not even that he lost all ability to even.
“But... Applejack is best pony!”
Elijah shook his head. “Nope. Now, let’s see who’s next.” Elijah took the list from the befuddled devil and checked it. Instantly, his face fell. There was only one pony who could possibly be worse for his health than Pinkie Pie, and the name stared at him from underneath Applejack’s.
Derpy.
“Oh no...” Elijah fell to the ground, a face of utter despair. There were many things he could
handle. He had handled explosions. He had handled burns. He had handled Dashie’s dominance. Hell, he had even gone through the first chapter of Past Sins without his eyes bleeding too badly.
Derpy was a game-changer, however. This WOULD end in disaster, more so than any of the other disasters thus far created by him. He doubted that everything would end with Nicolas Cage and that nothing would hurt. In fact, things would most likely end with everything being Kristen Stewart and extremely painful.
Elijah wandered down the street of Ponyville, feeling like Christ going to the cross. This left him time to be alone with his thoughts.
“God dammit, I better get a religion based after me if I go to Superhell!”
Elijah cast his gaze to the sky, and spied a certain wall-eyed pony derping about the sky. Her mailbag fluttered open in the wind, and a horde of letters descending towards the human observing the scenario.
Elijah reached out his hand to grasp one of the letters, only to have his thumb cut neatly off by the razor sharp edge of the paper. Blood spurted erratically from the stump, and Elijah’s squeal of pain broke several windows nearby.
The rest of the paper flew down at the helpless teen, swooping in a deadly arc of lettery death. Elijah took the manly rout and curled up in a ball on the ground, whimpering. He would have sucked his thumb for added manliness, but that part of his anatomy was currently detached. He could have sucked the other one, but Elijah wasn’t very bright as you may have gathered.
Through some bizarre twist of good luck, all of the paper missed him by a few inches, tattering the edges of his shirt, slicing off a few inches of his hair, and sticking neatly into the ground behind him.
Derpy continued to fly on away like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Elijah stopped his manly display of cowardness, and looked after her. “Dammit, that poor Derpy, I can only imagine what sort of terrible things are going to happen to her. I must rescue her from such a terrible fate!”
Elijah stood up heroically, only to have his tattered pants fall to his ankles. This would have given the world a wonderful view of his Justin Bieber undies, if he were visible to the world.
Grabbing his severed thumb, the boy ran heroically down the street after Derpy in his undergarments. Derpy was now doing dizzying loop-de-loops, giggling as she did so. Elijah scratched his ass un-ignominiously as he watched her do so. Entirely by accident, the grey pegasus bumped her rump into the side of a nearby house, knocking a very large portion of shingles down towards the human below.
Elijah shrieked in terror as the shingles descended upon him, only to have them all fall around him perfectly, making him a little shingle house, complete with a bedroom and indoor plumbing.
“Well, that could have been a lot worse.” Elijah used the facilities quickly, and exited his shingle house, which collapsed into dust upon his leaving.
At that moment, Elijah became aware of the fact that he was still holding his severed thumb. He quickly popped into the nearest house, and raided the tool box for a roll of duct tape, a hammer, a needle, some thread, and a hammer.
“Now let’s see if I remember how to do this...” Elijah lined up his thumb to his stump, and after a few minutes of sewing, taping, hammering, and hilarious squeals of pain, he admired his handiwork.
His thumb was crudely sewn on backwards, and it was barely hanging on that. He tried wiggling it, and the appendage fell off. It landed on the ground, where it caught fire, accompanied by several sad trombone noises.
Elijah kicked the dirt, and angrily went off to find where Derpy had gone off to. He spotted her at a café, about to bite into a daisy and hay sandwich. A careless cook had left a chainsaw running the meal by accident. Derpy licked her lips, and was just about to bite into the delicacy as Elijah ran in super slow motion towards the table.
Derpy looked down at her sandwich. “Something’s not right here...” Elijah was about thirteen meters away from the table, still in super slow motion, when Derpy said this.
“It needs some salt!” Derpy grabbed the salt-shaker, and sprinkled the condiment all over the top of the sandwich. Elijah opened his mouth very, very slowly, and threw his hand out, even though he was still too far away to do anything.
Derpy primed herself to enjoy her sandwich, when she stopped dead again. Elijah was flapping his hands around hilariously, in super slow motion of course.
“Oh, Cook! You accidently left another chainsaw in my sandwich!” Derpy turned of the woodcutting device, and put it down on the table next to her. Cook “Cook” McCookson, the cook for café they were currently in, poked his head out and smiled sheepishly.
“Sorry about that, Derpy!”
Eventually, Elijah crashed into the table, at a very slow speed of course. Derpy had since finished her sandwich, and had flown off to pursue other things. Elijah lay on the table, exhausted and pantsless.
“God damn, this day is gonna end up biting me in the ass, I just know it. And I have a feeling it’s going to be very soon...”
Five hours later, Elijah came to the conclusion that he was wrong. “Damn, nothing of importance besides those three hilarious accidents earlier today that occurred right after each other in an ironic twist happened today!”
He had been following Depry all over Ponyville. Now, the sun was just about to go down, and Derpy was hovering in the air right outside of town, watching the sun go down.
“Ah,” the mailmare said to herself. “I do love watching the sun go down. It’s so peaceful...” Derpy inhaled deeply, a content smile crossing her face. Elijah had to agree with the grey pegasus on this one. This had been one of the nicer experiences he had enjoyed here.
The ground began to vibrate, and Elijah let a perplexed expression cross his face. What could that be?
“And there’s the Friendship Express, right on time!”
“Huh?” Elijah looked down to see that he was standing on a set of train tracks. Looking up, he was staring right down the grill of a train going at forty-seven miles an hour.
“You know, I’m not even surprised.”
CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKA!