//------------------------------// // Some Ponies Just Want to Watch the World Burn // Story: Arachnophobia // by Dennis the Menace //------------------------------// "Okay, 'Tia, we're going to try something different." "I DON'T LIKE DIFFERENT, LUNA!" I hyperventilated. So maybe I'd tried to bring the sun down upon Canterlot. So maybe I was laughing maniacally as I tried. So maybe I'd been screaming, "BURN, BABY, BURN!" as I did, but thankfully, Luna stopped me from indulging my pent-up, homicidal tendencies. "The spiders can't hurt you 'Tia." "Oh YES they can!" "Shhh." "Don't shush me! I want those spiders out!" Luna stomped a hoof. "That would be akin to eviction." "WE EVICT THEM WITH A FLAMETHROWER!" Luna frowned. "I thought flamethrowers were outlawed." "I kept one for myself," I grinned. I grabbed her by the face, hammering my skull into hers as I screamed, "THEY. ARE. NOT. PONIES! They are an infestation! We must remove them! What would the royals think if we had spiders crawling all over the place?" "They would think that spiders are friendly, and nice, and would like to give everypony friendly spider hugs..." "You are like the creepy emo filly who sits in the back of the class writing poetry that nopony likes!" I shouted. She gasped, clutching at her heart. "This is getting a bit too personal. I shall not remove Atticus and his family." "Your little spider is no longer a virgin. He can take care of himself and his two-thousand spider babies." "We must care for them." "Do I look like a socialist, Luna? Do I look like I'm giving out handouts?" "...What does a socialist even look like?" "They look like YOU, which might explain why there are no socialists, because nopony wants to look like YOU!" She sniffed. "Why are you so mean to me? I just...wanted to have a pet." There was a pang in my heart. She was tugging at the heartstrings. I knew it. She knew it. It was a tactic she used before, after she read The Art of War. So why was I falling for it? Don't fall for it, don't fall for it. I groaned. "Mmmmgh, okay, Luna. What is your suggestion?" "We try therapy!" "Pleez, explain, Princess. When did this all begin?" I lay on a comforter, looking up at a particularly drab ceiling with a fan spinning around and around. "I don't know doctor." "Did you have any traumatizing experiences with spiders?" "I don't remember. It's just...all a blur. One big messy sticky white blur all over my face." "I would like to try an exercise, if you will, Princess." "Of course." "Explain to me what you dreamt last night." "Last night," I paused, "last night. I remember seeing a...ghost." "A ghost?" he inquired. "A spider ghost," I added, my head lolling around. "A...big spider ghost. And it...talked to me." "This spider spoke to you?" "Yeaaaah man...it was crazy. And it said something." The doctor leaned in. "What did it say?" "It said..." "Yes?" "It said, 'You...don't...need...'" "Yes?" "Therapy! Ooooooooooh!" "Alright, sister, we're going to try something new." I huffed. "Are you even trained as a psychologist?" "No. No, I am not. But anypony can do this. Just say the first word that comes to mind when I say a word." She cleared her throat, a pair of tacky glasses on her nose and a notepad in front of her face. "Spiders." "Destroy." "Arachnids." "Eliminate." "Luna." "Eviscerate." "Twilight Sparkle." "Bang." Luna slammed her notepad down. "Sister, take this seriously!" "I am!" "Eight." "Number." "Eight legs." "Devil." "Pet." "Philomena." "Spiders," she repeated. "Fire." "Atticus," she said. "Flip." "Flip?" "Table." "Onto?" she inquired. "Atticus." "We shall start with step one," Luna declared. "First, we shall have a picture of a spider for you to look at." "What is the point of this?" "Desensitization therapy! Now, I'm going to leave the room, and observe your reactions to this picture," she said, pinning it up for me to see, quickly running out. "I drew a mustache!" I cackled. "See? His name is Jose!" Luna facehoofed. "Step two." "It's a spider in a glass case. I don't get it." "You're supposed to be afraid of it." "It can't touch me. I'm not afraid of it at all. Skip to the next step," I growled. "This is just the spider case being really really close to me. I'm not scared of it." The spider crawled around lazily. "It can't touch me!" I danced around in front of the case. "Danananananana, can't touch this! Can't touch this!" I wiggled my flank, accidentally bumping the table. The glass case shattered onto the floor. "Oh fu—" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" "What did you do, Princess?" "Oh, well, see Twilight, I simply used a spell to change her phobia!" "Really?" "NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!" "Amazing! Could you teach me?" "Of course." "MY EYES! MY EYES!"