The Professor stepped into the ancient library and was met with the smell of dusty old tomes and lumber; which was expected of a library built into a tree. He was impressed at how simple, equine creatures were capable of pulling off such a feat as to carving out a tree to build a library, and still keep the tree alive.
The walls were carved so that it could be filled with books of all shapes, sizes, and colors, all neatly organized. It came as a shock to the Professor that he actually was able to understand what the books said on their covers, as the letters weren't anything like those on Earth. Perhaps the strange radiation in the atmosphere caused something to happen to his brain? It was the only logical explanation, so he promptly opened up a book at random and skimmed through it.
After reading only about a paragraph, a purple aura surrounded the book and placed it back onto the shelf which it was situated. "My, I guess the radiation in the atmosphere does affect the surface." said the Professor, quite puzzled.
Twilight raised an eyebrow at this. "You've never seen or heard of magic before?"
"Wha? Magic? Bouldercrap! That concept is old and ridiculous! Which is why Disney bought all rights to it, along with Star Wars! Now that I think about it... I'm surprised they don't own me yet," the Professor argued.
He's just an old crone, Twilight. Ignore him and his odd ideas, she thought to herself while rolling her eyes.
"Now then, let's not waste any time, shall we? If you'll follow me down to the lab, we can begin a full analysis of your organs, DNA, and a full scan of your brain." She then proceeded to use her "magic" to open a door leading down to a basement. "Pinkie, stay up here if you would, please."
"Okie dokie lokie!" she replied happily.
Following the unicorn down some dirt stairs, he came upon a laboratory filled with many bits of beeping and flashing technology, chemistry sets, and books related to the sciences. "Oh my, with this technology, it would take hours to get any reliable data," the Professor scoffed, as all the machinery and tools were quite primitive, dating back to the year 2010 or so. "Here, use this instead to analyze my entire being instead." He threw Twilight his handy little gadget he had used after the crew had crashed.
Twilight caught it with her magic, and was astounded by the technology in her aura, as it was far more advanced than any equipment available to scientists on the entire planet. She fiddled with the many switches and pressed many of the buttons, trying to figure out how to use the thing.
"I could show you how it works, if you'd like," the Professor said, wiping sweat from his mane-less head, as it was quite humid in the basement.
"No, no. I want to figure this out myself..." she replied. Twilight's mind was racing a mile a minute. She could not believe that Pinkie Pie could possibly be right about such an outlandish remark such as aliens from another planet; the evidence was present, and it was right in front of her eyes: the old, wrinkly pony with otherworldly knowledge and the amazingly technologically-advanced device.
While Twilight was trying to figure out how the device worked, the Professor thought it would be a good time to learn a bit about their species and culture, and poke his nose into some of their tomes. He picked up a book at random, ending up with the title Basic Biology of the Equestrian Pony: Volume I. How lucky to find a book about just what he was looking for! He proceeded to flip through the pages to learn of the three different species of equine creatures.
After reading the first chapter or so, he was able to gather that there are actually four species of equine creatures, the fourth being the ever rare "alicorn", who are supposedly only princesses. He was also able to find out a few things about his new form. For instance, he was an Earth pony, meaning he did not possess wings or a horn atop his head. He also learned that the atom symbol placed upon his ass was called a "cutie mark", and was earned whenever one finds the thing that they're best at.
Right when the Professor reached possibly the best chapter of the book, Mating, the damned unicorn was able to figure out how to use the thing by reverse-engineering it, and then making a similar one of her own that had frilly flowers painted on it.
After configuring the now pony-friendly device, Twilight scanned the Professor's body. By now, it would have been quicker to use the equipment already available to them in the laboratory, but Twilight didn't really care; she had made the largest scientific breakthrough of all time.
In a matter of seconds, loads of data came streaming into the device's screen, all readily available to be accessed by Twilight. Upon looking at the major bits of information, Twilight's heart skipped a few beats. "No... it can't be... This can't be right!" she said in disbelief. Twilight wiped all the data that was presently on the device and did a total reset, as she was sure it was a glitch from it still technically being a prototype. She then configured it again, and scanned the Professor once more.
Once again, loads of data piled onto the screen, and Twilight opened all the major files, and she thought she would faint and have a heart failure. "P... Pink... Pinkie was right. You... you..."
"Are an alien from another world? Yes, yes I am. Now then, we need to discuss the matter of me getting off this godforsaken place!"
Twilight was still trying to wrap her brain around the fact that Pinkie was right for once. She simply sat there, her left eye twitching and her mouth wide open. The Professor trotted over to her, and waved his hoof in front of her eyes, thankfully snapping her out of her delirious state. "S-sorry. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that my friend wasn't acting crazy as usual," she said a bit shakily as she stood up. "Now then, I guess we need to help you get off our planet?"
"For the millionth time, yes. The part that worries me the most is if you've discovered the type of fuel our ship uses."
"And what may that be?" asked a curious Twilight.
"Dark matter. It's the only fuel that will suffice for the engines of the ship, as anything else will cause them to explode." The Professor's face grew a creepy smile at the word "explode".
Twilight was taken aback. "Dark matter? You mean the substance that is only found in the depths of the universe? Sorry, but I doubt that there are any bits of dark matter in Equestria at all."
"Take a scan of the surface of the planet to see if there are any reserves," said the Professor.
Twilight did as told, and began to fiddle with the device for a third time, configuring it to do what the Professor said to do. After only five minutes or so, the device came back with a scan of the entire planet's surface, and one hundred feet above and below ground.
This device kept Twilight amazed every time she used it. "Oh my gosh, there is dark matter in the depths of Equestria! It's right below Canterlot, our capital city!" Twilight jumped at this, as she was making scientific breakthroughs in a matter of minutes. She would be the envy of all scientists! Looking back at the device, though, she frowned. "Sadly, it seems to be in a very small vein."
"Doesn't matter! All we need is enough to get us off this planet, then we can deploy the solar sails! It may take longer, but I'll do anything to get off of here!"
"Anything else you'll be needing? I'll gladly help you get everything prepared for you to take off, as long as I keep getting this amazing data!" she said cheerfully.
"Yes, upon impact, we lost a lot of parts; the ship is practically a pile of electronics and mashed metal right now." The Professor put a hoof up to his chin to think for a bit. "Now that I think back on it, I should be able to reconstruct the ship to a rudimentary state with the scrap from the crash; I'll just be needing some light-weight metal like bauxite." The Professor took out his own scanner to see what metals lay beneath Equestria's earth.
"There appears to be small veins of it throughout your planet, but for some odd reason, there's a high quantity of it underneath your Camelot place. How convenient!"
"Canterlot," Twilight corrected.
"Whatever! Your Cancer-lot place seems to have all the materials that we need. That being said, how the hell do we get there?" asked the Professor.
"Well, the only way up to Canterlot is via the train, but I can barely afford a ticket there, sadly. The Princess allows us to come up there when needed for fr-" she cut off, as the Professor was somehow able to locate her secret stash of money in the basement, and grabbed the whole bag.
"Well, it seems like we have the funds needed for the trip. Let's get a move on!" the Professor walked back up the stairs, while Twilight stood there with her mouth wide open at the fact she was robbed by the oldest thing she'd ever seen. But, for the purpose of scientific discoveries, her legs propelled her to follow the old crook.
Twilight navigated her way through the streets of Ponyville to get to the train station. The Professor had somehow been able to get used to walking with four legs very quickly, and had surprising speed for his age. He had already bought two tickets to Canterlot by the time Twilight got there, out of breath, mind you.
“Hurry up, you incompetent mule! We have fuel and ores to mine illegally!“ the Professor said angrily, throwing one of the tickets at Twilight. But, it merely fluttered in the wind and settled on the ground, as it was made of paper and the Professor couldn’t throw the lightest thing in the world an inch.
At that moment, Pinkie came bounding out of nowhere, as usual, heading straight for Twilight.
“Twilight! Twilight! Where have you guys been?” she asked, as she pounced on Twilight and pinned her to the ground. “I was waiting outside for you guys for like forever, and neither of you came out claiming that that colt was truly an alien! So, I went off to eat some special cupcakes I made in my basement, and when I came ba-”
The annoying, talkative mare was cut off by yet another ticket being thrusted into her face. “You! Pink Idiot! Since you’re here with us, you get to help me get back to my doomsday devices!” He hauled two giant pickaxes over his back, which he had gotten from seemingly nowhere. “This damn pansy-ass train will be leaving any minute, and I want to get there early!” The Professor was obviously disgusted by how girly and pink the train’s appearance was.
Without uttering another word, the two mares followed the Professor onboard, headed for the caves beneath the capital city of Equestria. While most would think that a few ponies carrying pickaxes would be a bit suspicious, everypony was too busy making friends and being dumb. The Professor didn’t really know what these stupid ponies do, but he didn’t have the time to care.
---
It was only a few hours later that the trio had arrived at the Canterlot train station. Unluckily for them, there had been a recent assassination attempt on Princess Celestia, resulting with the royal guards really cracking down on security, especially at the train station. Needless to say, it was quite uncomfortable for them to sit down afterwards.
Finally, they arrived in front of the caverns after five more security searches. Oddly enough, the Professor was actually starting to enjoy himself after about the fourth time. But, nothing else mattered at the moment to the Professor. They had finally arrived at the mouth of the caverns which were ever so close to the vital materials they required.
The three ponies walked deeper into the caverns, while the Professor used his scanner to try and navigate through the damned labyrinth of twisting rocks and dangerous falls to strike it rich. With a reassuring triple-beep from his scanner, they had reached an area that was the closest to the vein of dark matter.
“Looks like we got our work cut out for us,” the Professor said as he placed his scanner back in his pocket. “It’s about a thirty-foot tunnel we need to dig to access the fuel.” He placed the two picks in front of the ponies promptly.
But, of course, Twilight had to be the smart one. “Wait a minute... where’s your pickaxe, Professor?” she said, her eyebrows furrowed.
“Oh, not to worry about that, you sweet little pack mule! I have my cattle prod with me!”
“What good would a cattle prod do t-”
Twilight’s question was answered when her behind was zapped with five thousand volts of electricity. “Get mining, goddammit!”
And on went the two ponies, already exhausted from having to lug the two heavy pickaxes around. Their progress was merely a crawl, as the cold, damp rock was extremely dense and tough.
While the two pony slaves were working away tirelessly at the barren face of the cavern, the Professor took the time to finally look up from his scanner to survey his surroundings. He was taken aback by the beautiful sight that lay before him; much like the feeling he got when he first crash-landed on the planet.
The cavern was filled with many teal, shimmering crystals, some as long as eight feet! Every wall around him glistened with the cold dew that covered the walls like icing on a cake. When he looked up, all he could see were the many dazzling lights of the native Equestrian Glow Worms, rumored to have helped Luna create all the stars in the night sky.
Since he was busily twiddling with his device, the Professor also didn't noticed how warm the air was in the cavern. It was quite comfortable to relax in, but not so comfortable to work in, hence why the mining ponies were already drenched with sweat even though they had only made three feet of progress.
While the cavern was beautiful in every aspect that a cavern could be, the Professor had other matters to attend to, such as making sure the ponies kept working and that they stay on course to the dark matter. He also had to attend to searching for bauxite so he could make replacement parts for the ship.
After doing another quick scan, the Professor was able to find the nearest and largest vein of the ore, which was surprisingly open in the cavern. It wasn’t even covered by a layer of dense rock. “You! Pink one! Stop mining and come over here with that pick!”
Pinkie wiped sweat off her forehead, which didn’t do much good as more salty liquid replaced it. She swung the heavy pickaxe over her shoulder and hobbled under the weight of the tool over to the Professor. “What is it... Professor?” she asked, breathing in heavily.
“Mine every last bit of this bauxite. Once you’ve done that, you’ll get back to work on tunnelling to the fuel.” the Professor zapped Pinkie in the rear, which was not needed, so that she would get right to work.
While the two ponies were tirelessly mining away at either metal or hard cavern rock, the Professor finally found time to attend to his own personal matters. He found a smooth, flat rock jutting out from the cavern floor that was nearby the work area, and he sprawled out on it. It took him a few minutes to get comfortable, after all it was tough rock, but nonetheless, he was able to fall asleep.
---
To the Professor, it seemed like only one second had passed when Pinkie dumped a load of medium-sized bits of bauxite on top of the Professor. She had to admit, she wasn’t the happiest pony alive right now, despite being the bearer for the Element of Laughter. All the mining work she had been doing for the past few hours reminded her of the dismal childhood she had while working on her parent’s rock farm.
The Professor awoke as he was startled by the bits of bauxite being bestowed upon him. “Wha?” he said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
“Here’s your bauxite, Professor,” Pinkie said with a bit of anger in her voice. “I don’t even know why I’m helping you do this! At first, it was because I was thinking you were my first alien friend! But now, I see that you’re just a big meanie who enslaves poor he-helpless po-ponies!”
Pinkie’s slight bout of anger had soon transformed into sadness, as she couldn’t help thinking of her childhood on the rock farm. While, yes, she did learn to be happy and throw great parties there, she was remembering the time before any fun happened. The time when her parents were strict, boring folk, and where laughter was strictly forbidden. She burst into tears and was propping herself up on the Professor’s shoulder.
“W-why Professor? W-wh-why’d y-you m-m-make us s-slaves? Wh-why d-di-did da-d-daddy n-never li-like ha-hap-happiness?”
The Professor felt oddly sympathetic for the pony, which was a rare feeling for him. He didn’t feel bad for putting them to work, however, for he knew that was required for him to get the hell off the planet, but at that moment, he felt the slightest bit sorry. “Oh... there, there. Don’t you worry! It’s all over now... just calm down.” He stroked her mane, which seemed to have a soothing effect on her. Her river of tears were replaced by single drops, and only a mere, remote whimper ever escaped from her lips.
“So... you’ll stop the mining?” asked Pinkie.
“Yes, I shall. I can get my worthless crew to do it instead.” he replied.
“Um... Professor.” Twilight said from a distance.
“Were those other aliens your crew?” asked Pinkie as she was intrigued.
“Yes, they were. They were just useless nobodies who I employed to do deliveries,” he said comfortingly, as he continued to stroke her mane.
“Professor,” Twilight said again.
“So what’s it like on your planet?” Pinkie decided it was a good time to learn more of the alien and his friends, family, and home world.
“Oh, well it’s much more advanced than the one you have here. We have so many wondrous things on my planet, like robots, and spaceships, and those little mints that are left on your pillow at hotels, an-”
“Professor!” Twilight yelled from the tunnel, which echoed throughout the cavern.
“What is it, goddammit!”
“You may want to see this...”
The Professor got up off of his rocky bed, and trotted slowly over to Twilight. She had finally broken through, but the tunnel clearly wasn’t as long as it should be, as it was only about ten feet in length. He poked his head through the opening on the other side of the tunnel, to see another huge cavern before him. But, unlike the one they had been in all this time, this one was clearly carved out... by a laser.
Lining its walls, instead of beautiful teal crystals, were catwalks and machines of all sorts; some were made for calibrating certain things, and others were made to bore through tough rock. In the center was a large tube filled with liquid dark matter, which explained why the scanner picked it up. The glass tube of fuel was connected to four gas tanks positioned around it where mining machines would stop to refuel automatically.
“How the hell is this possible...” the Professor said. His question was soon answered, when a purple pony with a cutie mark of a bag of money turned around in her chair. Her mane was a silvery gray, and in the shape of heart, just like a familiar evil past lover CEO on Earth...
“Hubert?” said the purple pony in shock.
“Mom?”