//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 // Story: Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle! // by defender2222 //------------------------------// “Yes, this was a very important holiday for Twilight Sparkle,” Sam said, shuffling about the snow-capped Everfree (and, due to his bulk, he was sweating up a storm… or melting… neither of which makes much sense). “It would be her first Hearth’s Warming Day where she herself got to host the big festive party. Her family had always planned these parties down to the last detail and every one she had gone to during her fillyhood had been filled with music and laughter and joy. She was not about to be the first to break tradition and thus she was focused on her goal. “Luckily for Twilight, she had plenty of friends in Ponyville and she planned to seek out their advice in how she could pull off the best holiday ever!” Sam pulled out his banjo and gave it a few strums. “Now, I wrote a little song about Twilight’s journey to Applejack’s house… why don’t you sit down and have a listen?” Sam strummed his instrument (that’s what she said). “Well-“ And that’s when the anvil fell on him. “SORRY!” Derpy called out, fluttering down and grabbing the gift-wrapped anvil (which Scootaloo’s mother Grace had ordered for her husband/Scoot’s father, Quick Cut). “You ok Mr. Snowman?” “Never better!” Sam said dizzily, before collapsing in a heap. ~MC~MC~MC~ Twilight trotted along the lane that led to Sweetapple Acres, admiring the fresh powder that blanketed the fields. "Ok, so I have my checklist of all the different pots and pans I need, categorized by color, size and number of handles. I also have my back up checklist in case I lose this one, my back up for my backup, and, of course, a checklist to keep track of my checklists!" Twilight pursed her lips in thought. "Huh... maybe I should have a backup for the checklist of checklists." She pulled out her notebook of good ideas (patent pending) and quickly jotted down that idea for further research and development (clearly there was a stick up Twilight’s butt and that stick had a checklist too). Twilight smiled as she made her way over the hill and finally laid her eyes on the Apple Family's farmhouse. There was something about the old building that spoke to the little romantic side of the mare (and yes, she did have a romantic side, despite what Spike thought; just because she had once considered reproducing asexually didn't mean she wasn't looking for a nice stallion who thought sex was something you did once every 34 months or so). It was more than just the rustic charm that seemed to cling to each weather-worn board. There was something magical about the house that called out to her. "It's because of who lives there," Twilight said to herself with a gentle smile, thinking of the family. "Applejack and her family have so much love for each other that it spills over and permeates the entire house." Love, it would seem, was much like mold, in that it wormed its way into the walls and made them weak. That was the only explanation Twilight could find for why part of the upstairs’ wall suddenly burst apart. Twilight let out a scream, tossing up a shield as a large red chair flew right at her. Bits of wood rained down on the unicorn and the snow became dirtied with splinters. She panted, looking around with wide eyes, only to see that the red chair wasn't a chair at all but Big Macintosh, curled up in the fetal position. "By Celestia!" Twilight cried out, dropping her forcefield and hurrying over to him, checking the stallion out for injuries. "Are you ok?" "Uuuuhhhh, mama... I don't wan' ta fed Granny oats while she's in the bathtub." "...oooookkkk," Twilight said slowly, unsure how to respond to that strange statement. She shook the stallion, who was staring up at the sky with swirly eyes (which was a rare medical condition that affected colorful ponies and black ducks with speech impediments). "Come on... wakey wakey if your neck's not breaky." After several moments the massive stallion was able to shake himself out of his stupor and he got up on his feet. Seeing that Twilight had been watching his brain addled ramblings, Big Mac flushed and his coat went so dark he looked like a bruised apple (Author's Note: I am so sorry for that horribly punny simile… they say that the only people that like puns go to Ivy League schools, hence the hold saying ‘using a pun, go to Yale’). He made a move to trot away but Twilight quickly moved to stand in front of him, blocking his path. "Big Macintosh, what happened?" "...nothin'," the stallion said softly. Twilight pursed her lips and gave him the look all mares seemed to be skilled in; it was a look that made all stallions tremble and feel like foals. "Big Macintosh..." "...AJ threw me." Twilight's ears wiggled. "Can you repeat that, I think I had some crazy in my ear. Did you just say that Applejack THREW you?" "Eeeyup," the farmer said. "Applejack... the pony that loves family more than anything? The pony that takes such pride in all of you? The pony that threatened to beat up Berry Punch when she overheard her complimenting your flank?" "Eeeyup." "Pull the other one," Twilight stated. Big Mac opened his mouth to protest, only to cringe as Applejack bellowed so loud that birds 3 miles over took flight (and, amazingly enough, a few badgers did too). "Big brother, you lazy colt, get yar hide back in here, ya hear me?" "... I need to go," Big Macintosh said meekly, lowering his head and shuffling back towards the house. A little pegasus pony version of Twilight appeared on the mare's right shoulder, strumming a harp. "You must follow after him Twilight and find out what has caused your friend to treat her family such a way. This close to the holidays she should be showing them only love and respect." Twilight looked over at her left shoulder. "Isn't there suppose to be a little evil version of me that tells me to do the bad thing?" ~Meanwhile, in Canterlot!~ "That's right, Mr. Pigeon," evil little Twilight said, coaxing the overly stuffed bird towards Discord's statue. "Come on... I know all that stool softener I fed you makes your tummy hurt but I have the perfect potty for you!" ~MC~MC~MC~ "Sing low, sweet chariot, comin' forth to carry me home!" Apple Bloom said as she glumly cleaned the hallway. "Swing low, sweet chariot..." The filly was half caked with dust and there was a feather duster tied to her tail, a broom handle attached to the saddle bags she wore that dragged along behind her and a pair of mop heads were attached to her hind legs as she scrubbed the hardwood. "What the heck is going on here?" Twilight practically exclaimed, staring at the filly in horror. All the light had gone out of Apple Bloom's eyes and she moved more like a puppet than a living creature. She'd lost track of Big Macintosh but the poor stallion's plight was forgotten in the face of the utterly miserable and broke Apple Bloom. "What happened here?" Apple Bloom continued to clean, never looking up. "Apple Bloom!" Twilight said, lifting the filly's head up so she could look her in the eye. "Apple Bloom, can you hear me?" "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again," Apple Bloom said dully, her works robotic. "I... I don't understand-" "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." "I heard you, I just don't-" "PUT THE APPLE-PICKEN LOTION IN THE BASKET!" Apple Bloom screamed in fright. Twilight leapt away, panting as Apple Bloom went back to cleaning. "What happened here? Is Discord back? Where you all replaced by changelings? Did you eat some of Rainbow Dash's mood stabilizers?" "Rainbow Dash is poppin' pills?" Applejack asked as she trotted into the hall. Unlike the rest of her family, Applejack looked completely normal... well, save for the slightly manic look in her eye that spoke of death and destruction to all that got in her way (but hey, who hasn’t had that look in their eye?). "I was being sarcastic. Have you seen Rainbow Dash? If that is her ON pills I'd hate to see her off of them." Twilight walked over to Applejack and gave her friend an awkward smile. "So... what are you doing?" "Just a bit of cleanin'," Applejack said, inspecting a spot Apple Bloom was finishing. "Good work, Apple Bloom!!" "All work and no play makes Apple Bloom a dull filly." "Don't she just say the dandiest things when she's sleep deprived?" Applejack said, turned and marching towards the kitchen, Twilight fast on her heels. The cowpony led her friend into the room, which was sparkling so brilliant Twilight felt like she was staring at Celestia's sun after getting her pupils dilated. "So I got all the pots ya asked for, I just wanna make sure I grabbed them all." "Applejack, what is going on? Big Macintosh was thrown through a wall and your sister is acting like a zombie." Applejack scoffed. "Them weak-willed little foals are just drama queens. This is just a total cleaning of our house before the rest of the family arrives. Ain't nothin’ weird about that." "Granny Smith is wearing a diaper!!!" Twilight shouted, pointing at the elderly green mare who was asleep in her rocker, an overly large diaper strapped to her flank. "We decided this was easier than cratin' her... more cost effective as well." Twillight grabbed her friend and shook her violently. "AJ!" "Yeah Twi?" Applejack said with a shrug. "What... the hay... is going on?" "We're just-" "Why are you cleaning like it is the end of the world!?!" Twilight shouted, the power of her voice so great that it knocked the hat off her farmer friend. "Shucks, Twilight, I'd have wagered you of all ponies would get it. I mean, you are going to go through the same thing I am." "Applejack, I am beginning to lose my patience..." The famrer sighed, slipping out of her grip. "I just want everything lookin' perfect before our family gets here." She walked over to Granny Smtih and wiped up a bit of drool that was leaking from the old mare's mouth. "I know I am getting moody and pressin' everypony a bit too much-" "You bucked Big Macintosh through a wall!" "-but what is most important is that when my cousins and aunts and uncles come a'walkin' through these doors they are left with their jaws on the floor." Twilight walked over to her friend and wrapped a foreleg around her, sympathy shining in her eyes. "Listen, I get it. I have been panicked about making sure everything looks perfect at the library. I want my party to be the best and so do you so we are cleaning like mad... but we are forgetting that Hearth's Warming is all about-" "I ain't interested in it bein' perfect. I just want to rub my clean house in their noses." Twilight's jaw hung open, her train of thought completely derailed (the thought-train derailment was truly horrible; 15 ideas were dead and it would cost 120 brain cells to repair the damage). "You... you what?" Applejack marched over to her sink and began to inspect it with a critical eye. "I want all my family to come in here and see how clean and beautiful my house is and be so jealous that they are fumin’ from their ears in rage." "You... want your family to feel rage?" "Heck ya! I want them to hate my guts!" "Applejack!" "Well, it's the truth. They’re gonna be walking around here, inspecting every little crack and chip and pointing out all the flaws. I want to have all those taken care of so they are walkin' around like idiots and are forced to admit that my house is a billion times better than theirs!" Applejack leapt on top of her stove and began to clean behind the light bulbs, scrubbing each one and cooing to them like they were foals. "Oh, everypony is going to be wishin' they were my family and that they had as lovely a house as I do." The lavender unicorn just stared at her friend, eyes bugging out of her skull. "I... I can't believe I am hearing this! Applejack, you love your family so much... how could you be thinking like this! This... this isn't you! You don't turn your family into slaves just to make your house clean so your cousins get mad!" Applejack shook her head and laughed. "Twi, don't worry!" Any hope the mare had that her farmer friend was going to reveal this was all a gag died with Applejack's next words. "It isn't just the house that I am gonna be using in this war." "W-war?" Applejack nodded, hurrying over to a filing cabinet in the home office and pulling out graphs and charts. Each one listed the profits for Sweet Apple Acres and the pages were filled with black ink and dollar signs. "I am gonna leave this out so they can see just how rich we are! Hooweee, that'll show Cousin Braeburn! He’ll be so mad he could spit… and that boy do sure love to spit!" Twilight felt as if her world had suddenly been ripped out of its orbit and was now hurtling towards a black hole. "I... I can't believe you are going to these lengths just to show up your family!" "You ain't?" Applejack said with a frown. At Twilight's head shake the farm pony let out a sigh of pity. "Oh Twi, you are so screwed." "Huh?" "You honestly don't think all your family is going to be judging you? Why do you think they want you to have this party?" "Because I asked to do it and because I want to show I can put on a great party... but it isn't a competition." "Well, that much is true. I mean, it is gonna be hard to beat your brother... he's married to a Princess and his wife and him run a whole empire! And even before that he was captain of the guard..." The orange mare pondered things. "I suppose you might stand a chance if you remind everypony how powerful ya are. Maybe you should hang up some of them articles they wrote about ya when we defeated Nightmare Moon... or hey, did Princess Celestia ever give ya a medal for somethin'? You could wear that around your neck... make it super shiny and always tilt it so the light from it bounces into your brother's eyes. That would beat him." Applejack's eyes widened as a new thought struck her. "Shoot, I bet they announce they are havin' a baby!" Twilight sputtered, choking slightly. "Wha... what?" "Think about it, Twi... if your brother wants to beat you and prove he is the best he is gonna need to make your momma and daddy a granny and grampy!” Applejack stomped her hoof. “That no good stallion! I bet he is rutting with the Princess right now trying to put his butter in her tart just so she’s got a foal growin’ in her when they arrive. Then all your hard work will be for nothin’!” Applejack gave Twilight a sinister smile that had the unicorn backing away in fright. “But I know how to fix’em. BIG BROTHER, GET IN HERE!" Big Macintosh raced into the room, a feather duster in his teeth and a rug on his back. "Eeeyup?" "You and Twilight need to get married right now!" "WHAT?!?!" Twilight screamed. "Think about it, Twi!" Applejack said, an almost manic gleam in her eye. "This will help both of us out! You and Mac can get married and he can put a foal in your belly and then we both will have something else to brag about at our parties!" "Uh, AJ, I'm kinda sore from dustin' and I have a headache…” Big Mac whined. "MOUNT MY FRIEND NOW!" Applejack roared, grabbing Big Mac and shoving him towards the unicorn. “YOU MOUNT HER AND BANG HER LIKE A SLUT TILL SHE’S FAT WITH AN APPLE FOAL!” Twilight warped behind Granny Smith and yanked her out of her chair, pointing her diapered rear at the clearly insane Applejack. "This thing is loaded and I am not afraid to use it! Back off or I will make this place really dirty and smelly..." Applejack threw up her hooves. "Ok, ok! I give, I give." Twilight let out a long sigh. "Didn’t realize you weren’t into stallions. No problem, you and I can get hitched and adopt. That will work too. Now, I ain't gay but I'll let ya do stuff to me." Twilight's magic flared out, warping her and the pots and pans away. "...what are ya doin', standing around like that, there is dusting to do!" Applejack shouted at her brother.