//------------------------------// // Battle at the castle // Story: Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything // by Doobie //------------------------------// “What the fuck do you mean ‘rocks aren’t currency’?” Doobie hollered at the pony standing at the front of the carriage. “I mean you picking up a rock and telling me it’s worth fifty bits won’t work on me. Pay up or I’ll slap your shit for making me take you three all the way to canterlot.” The burly earth pony said, looking straight at Doobie. “Hmm. That’s fair, sir. I’ll pay you your money. BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!” Doobie screamed as he ignited his horn and made a cloud of smoke rise from the ground. Six seconds later the smoke dissipated and Doobie was standing in the same spot he was in before he had done the spell. “...Okay, you caught me.” He said, forking over his life savings. Specifically his life over the past two months. Magic Matt and Spike the dragon got out of the carriage and Matt went over to the big stallion, looking him straight in the eyes. When Matt was two inches away from him, he stared right into the pony’s soul for a good ten seconds. His horn then lit up and engulfed the pony’s head, causing it to shudder before it suddenly went boom. Doobie, Spike and especially Matt were showered in blood, bone fragments and brain matter. Being used to this, they promptly cleaned up and walked on, doobie collecting his fifty bits plus another five bits he had harvested from the headless corpse’ pockets. The authors of the story both paused for a moment, wondering if the story was a bit too violent. They dismissed it and carried on with their retarded writing. You don’t like it? Fuck off. “Alright you stupid fucks, let’s go find that princess cunt and smash her face in” Matt exclaimed, looking left and right for places that she might be at. “...Why? She wants to fuck us up for what we did. Why not just leave her alone?” Doobie asked. “Because she’s princess of equestria.” Matt stated. “...So?” Doobie replied. “SO, if we assassinate her we’ll become the new princesses of equestria!” Matt exclaimed. “...What?” Doobie and Spike asked. “What about Luna?” Doobie asked. “And the fact that assassinating a princess doesn’t make you a princess?” Spike said. “And Cadence.” Doobie said. “And the fact that the princess is pretty much a god and will bust our balls if we even go near her?” Spike finished. “Not with that attitude we won’t!” Matt hollered, jumping onto his hind legs and pointing to the sky. They all stood there for a few awkward moments. “Won’t wha-” Spike started to say. “Murder celestia, of course!” Matt interrupted. “But we just said why that wouldn-” “I HAVE A PLAN!” ----------------------------------------------------------------------- “This is the stupidest fucking thing we’ve ever done.” Doobie said. “What about the time when we were hungry and tried to grill our shoes?” Matt said. “Oh, yeah.” Matt, Doobie and Spike were walking through canterlot on their hind legs all holding plant pot in front of their faces. The method to this madness was that Matt’s plan consisted of him taking the last bit of weed they had left from the human world from his hair and then the three of them smoking it. He then had another brilliant plan. In his inebriated state he had come to the conclusion that if you hold a plant in from of you, everyone will assume you are a plant and not pay attention to you. There were a few drawbacks to this plan. The most obvious one being that they couldn’t see where they were going so they were just stumbling around high while bumping into stuff. However there was a plus to the ridiculous plan. Although it was complete and utter stupidity it seemed to be working. nobody was paying them the slightest bit of attention. Maybe that was because nopony wants to talk to three loonies holding stolen plant pots in front of their faces. The three fucks somehow eventually reached Canterlot Castle and stumbled inside, ditching the hilariously stupid but effective disguises. They gathered around Doobie and went over the plan. “Step one, secure the key.” Doobie said. “What keys?” Spike said. “the keys over there, dumbshit.” Doobie said, pointing to the guard who was looking at the two ponies huddled together with a dragon supposedly talking about him. He decided to make his way over to them and ask why they were here. “Hello gentlecolts, can I help you? Do you have an audience with the Princess?” He asked casually. “Fuck you, buddy! Avada Kedavra!” Matt shouted, blasting the poor motherfucker with some sort of magical bad. Matt’s beam of magic hit the pony square in the face and blasted him backwards. He fell onto his rump and rubbed his head, his hoof coming to where Matt’s magic had settled. The light solidified and become three doughnuts wrapped around his horn. “...Hm.” The stallion said, getting up. “What was that for, and why did you blast me with baked goods?” He asked. “Gotcha, motherfucker! Those aren't baked goods, they’re baked bads!” Matt yelled. The doughnuts encasing the guard’s horn began to flash red and beep, the beep steadily getting faster. Matt grabbed the two guys and ducked behind the plant pots they had placed while the guard stood there in confusion, trying to remove the sticky treats from his horn with little success. After three seconds a small blast was heard and Matt, Doobie and Spike looked over their respective pots to see the guard thrashing around on the floor missing his face and most of his muzzle. “Anyfuck, step two. Run into the big room with all of the huge ass windows.” Matt continued “Step three, locate and blast random magic at that white bitch with the fat flank.” “Sounds like a plan, shitman.” Doobie said, nodding his head and moving towards a large set of doors. “aight zigga, on three.” Doobie stated “One... Two... uhhh... Four, Spaghetti... THREE!” The three burst into the throne room and immediately began thrashing their arms and hollering, looking for princess widebutt. The princess was sitting on her fat flank, downing a bottle of whiskey. She didn’t seem to notice the three fucks stumbling around her royal throne room. Matt actually decided that he might have more chance of finding her if he opened his eyes, immediately his new technique had a breakthrough. He has located Princess cuntbag. “There you are, you fat fuck!” Matt screamed, grabbing the attention of Princess Celestia, Spike and Doobie. Celestia looked at Matt, Doobie and Spike for a few seconds and didn’t recognise them for a few seconds because of being in a drunken stupor. The three guys noticed there was a large pile of whiskey bottles around her as well. She must have taken them killing the elements of harmony real hard. “...YOU!” She screamed, standing up and swaying from left to right. She had finally recognised the three guys who had hospitalised her six little ponies and then collapsed the hospital onto her and them. Celestia spread her wings and took flight before crashing down onto the red carpet a few meters away from Matt. “Y- you monshters killed m- my little poneesh! i’ll k- kill *hic* you!” She said, charging an infinitely powerful spell full of rage and despair. Before she could fire her spell Doobie thought fast and used his horrible magic to pick up Spike and hold him between her and the two ponies. for once Doobie’s magic hadn’t backfired. “you wouldn’t kill an innocent little dragon would you, Princess?” He said, somehow putting words into a coherent sentence. He was on fire today and for once not literally. “I... I will if I must!” Celestia said, about to fire her spell. “Matt do something!” Spike screamed, not wanting to be blasted to kingdom come. Matt jumped in between Spike and Celestia, charging his own incredibly powerful spell. Matt still had no clue how he had such magical talent but neither did he care. His horn took on a layer of overglow, signalling a huge amount of power was going to be put into his spell. Celestia in turn charged her spell to an even greater magnitude as to outdo Matt’s surprising amount of magic he could so easily control. She thought this amount of skill was impossible without the student training under her. Matt started to sweat as a second and then a third layer of overglow engulfed his horn. An incredible amount of magic would be released if he chose to fire this spell. Both getting tired of the displays of power Matt and Celestia both released their spells. A gigantic amount of light erupted from celestia’s horn while Matt’s spell cast an incredibly strong looking forcefield around the three guys. Celestia’s spell ploughed into the forcefield and the three ponies and the dragon in the room witnessed what happened when an unstoppable force met an immovable object. Celestia stood and watched as the floor and ceiling cracked, the tapestries ripped and ignited, the pillars crumbled and the windows smashed. The forcefield stood fast against the onslaught of pure energy until Celestia’s spell started to wane. It suddenly stopped and the force field was still there. “impossible!” Celestia yelled, having snapped out of her drunken state she was now staring in awe as this unicorn had somehow managed to block one of her incredibly powerful offensive spells. “Quite possible, my dear. Now it’s MY turn!” Matt shouted as the forcefield melted into his horn and became an immense field of magical energy. “You see, my shield wasn’t just blocking your spell. It was absorbing it!” He said as he released a spell so violent that even Celestia was terrified as it sped towards her. Celestia stared into the unstoppable wall of deathly powerful magic and realised she was most likely going to die. She stood her ground and prepared to take the brunt of the spell knowing that she didn’t have enough time to make a spell to block the abominable amount of power that would hit her in less than a few seconds. she accepted her fate. Matt however had other ideas. He lit up his horn and called back the wall of death back into his horn, his own bones creaking from the immense strain. The magic was reigned in and Celestia was left standing there, tears in her eyes. “Wh- what? Why?” She asked, looking at the sweat drenched unicorn who was standing before her wearing a cruel stare. “I’m not gonna fight you.” Matt said. “Really?” Celestia asked. “I’m gonna kick your ass!” Matt hollered, taking a step towards her and charging his horn. “What?” Celestia said, baffled by Matt’s actions. Matt, sparing no time, unleashed a flurry of magical spikes using the power he had absorbed. The white-hot spears flew into celestia’s legs, crippling her and making her scream and fall to the ground. Matt trotted up to Celestia who was bawling like a baby on the floor, overcome by pain and grief. He stopped in front of her and lifted her chin up with his hoof. “Now now, my dear. Don’t cry. Your body will be put to good use.” Matt said, putting her head back down. Matt stomped Celestia’s nose into the hard stone floor and made her gasp, exposing her throat. He then charged his horn and sent a bolt of fire down into her mouth which settled in her belly. She thrashed around while she was cooked from the inside before Matt got bored and decided to end her. He charged his horn one last time and sent electricity spiralling down into her eyes. She gurgled what was probably an attempted scream before her eyeballs started to melt out of her lids and boiling blood bubbled out of her nose. After a few seconds he let out a triumphant shout and stomped her now softened skull onto the floor, pulverising it and spilling brains into a small puddle at his hooves. Matt turned around and looked at an amused looking Doobie and a slightly horrified and sick looking Spike. The dragon may have decided to be a bad guy but Celestia still used to be his friend and he was sad to see her die so painfully. He decided to man up and see the funny side of it, like the way her brains were spilling onto the floor. Hilarious. Matt lit up his horn and conjured a barbecue, coals and some fire then put them all together and started to lift up the princess. “Who’s hungry?” Matt asked. “Man, I wish I had magic.” Spike said, marvelling at Matt’s skills. “Hmm... i think I can help you with that, little man.” Matt said, using his magic to rip off Celestia’s long horn and throw it to Spike. Spike grabbed the horn out of the air and held it for a second, marvelling at its beauty. “Wow, thanks Matt!” Spike said, following the wizard’s example he began to chow down on the crunchy treat. Maybe it would give him some magical powers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The authors sat back and looked at their masterpiece. “Are you sure the whole killing Celestia part wasn’t too gory?” Magic Matt asked Mr. foster, re- reading the death scene. “I don’t think readers like stuff like that.” “Fuck the readers. Our story has over thirty dislikes and two hilarious reviews about how bad it is. We’re not even trying to make a good or sense-making story.” Mr. Foster said. “Hm, I guess you’re right. Fuck the reader.” Matt said Fuck you, reader. Just kidding, you’re great. I wasn't kidding. You sicken me...