//------------------------------// // Identity, Part the Second // Story: Trapped // by Gylden Glor //------------------------------// I wake up in confusion. And I don't mean that I wake up, and I feel confused; rather, I'm waking up to total fucking chaos. "Dammit, Apple Bloom!" I hear. The three Cutie Mark Crusaders are bouncing on the beds, laughing, and shouting. Applejack is trying desperately to get them to calm down, but to no avail. Rainbow Dash is sleeping soundly, her head resting on my side. At least, until Applejack sees us. "Good morning, Apple-" My words die as the work pony rushes over, and stares deep into my eyes. "If y'all do anythin' ter' hurt her," she growls, "Ah'll make sure ya' know the meanin' of pain." I gulp, and nod. "Trust me, I wouldn't hurt her. Ever." "Ya' already have, remember? In th' hospital, when she kissed ya', and you pushed 'er away? If you do anythin' like that again, Ah'll hurt you. Ah promise." I nod frantically, and she pulls away with a smile. "Ah'm jus' messin' with yah, Sugarcube...Calm yerself, okay?" I sigh, and rub my temples. By this time, Rainbow Dash has woken up, and it takes her a few seconds to process what's going on. With a look of complete panic stretching her face, the cyan Pegasus pulls away from me, a furious blush on her face. "If you tell anypony that I snuggled with him," she growls, both to Applejack and to me, "I swear..." I shrug, and scoff as Scootaloo hops onto my bed, then hops off a second later, chasing Sweetie Belle across the mattresses. "You'd think that, knowing why we're here, they'd be less happy," I remark, watching in utter disgust as they happily bounce around. How could they be so happy when they know that one of their friends are dead? "They don't know," Applejack says softly. "Ah haven't told 'em yet. They think they're here to enjoy themselves..." I sigh, and crick my neck. "Well, that's going to suck...To kill their expectations...Applejack, you should tell Apple Bloom. Rarity will tell Sweetie Belle, and...Rainbow? Do you want to tell Scootaloo why we're here?" The rainbow Pegasus seems to ignore me. She's watching the younger, orange Pegasus bounce around. "But...She'd be crushed," Rainbow says, softly. "I'd feel horrible..." "It doesn't matter how you feel," I mutter. "It matters that they know the truth. They deserve to know." "Rainbow, are you gonna do some awesome tricks while we're here?" Scootaloo asks, as if on cue. The orange Pegasus jumps onto Rainbow's lap, smiling up at the cyan Pegasus. I give Rainbow a glance that clearly says "tell her". Rainbow sighs, and ruffles Scootaloo's mane. "Listen, bucko...There's something I've got to tell you." About an hour later, almost all of us are standing before the young dragon's grave. Fluttershy managed to calm down the three fillies, but two of them are still sobbing as they stare down at Spike's grave, and the beautiful flower that grows among the soil of death. Big Mac and Granny Smith are standing in somber silence, staring at the grave with a remarkable amount of respect. Sweetie Belle is burying her face in Rarity's side; Apple Bloom is crying into Applejack's foreleg; and Scootaloo is standing tall, next to Rainbow Dash, who is right by my side, holding my hand with a hoof, and resting a hoof on Scootaloo's back. "P-Put your flowers on th-th-the g-grave, girls," says a barely composed Fluttershy. The fillies do as they're told, and place their own white flowers down around Spike's. As they step back, their guardians receive them with open arms-er, legs. "Can we...Can we go home now?" Apple Bloom asks, silently. "No," I say. They all look to me in surprise, even Twilight and Rainbow Dash. And it's not because of what I said. It's because of how I said it: cold, and detached. "The thing that killed him is still out there. And it won't hesitate to go after you. And I'm not going to let it hurt another innocent being..." As I look down at Spike's tombstone, I feel an insurmountable rage building up within me. A rage that can only be sated by destruction, a rage that verges upon ravenous hunger. I turn, and leave the grave. "Where are you going?" Rainbow Dash calls after me. I look back, taking in the scene of the concerned ponies. Even Twilight has torn her tearing eyes away from the grave to watch me go. "I'm going for a walk," I respond. "I want to be alone." With that, I take off at a brisk pace, shoving my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants as I continuously map out my route, ensuring that I don't get lost. I eventually arrive at the train station, and I have reached an impasse. Do I proceed, and return to Ponyville? Do I go down into the basement of that library, and seek my revenge, all in the sake of innocence long lost? Or do I stay here, and help my new friends cope? Do I help them to retain what little innocence they have left? Going down to attack the thing would be ridiculous. I mean, I barely even knew Spike, I have no reason to get so worked up about it... And yet, he was innocent. He didn't deserve to die. So, have I become the champion of innocence? If I go down and attack it, then where is my innocence? And where is the innocence of anypony who gets involved? Surely, not within themselves. And not within myself, either. Perhaps I should stay here? I mean...Rainbow would definitely need my help, right? And so would Twilight? And even Rarity. They would have each other, but what if I made it feel like I had abandoned them? I don't want that. No...No, I'm going to stay. For now. Perhaps another time, in another setting, it would be appropriate for me to go down to Ponyville. But not right now. Not when they require assistance and support. As I walk through a small back alley, I suddenly get the feeling that I'm being watched. I turn, my palms tingling. A robber? A thug? Or maybe just some orphan? No. None of the above. What I see...is It. Its white eyes pierce mine, and its frown speaks of murder. I reel away from it, and clench my fists, preparing to fight. "What the fuck do you want?" I growl. "Don't you dare try to hurt my friends, or I will kill you." "I want to know." I frown. "What do you want to know?" "What am I?" I approach It. "I don't know," I respond. "But whatever you are, you've killed something totally innocent?" "Is that bad?" I blink in surprise. "Well...Of course it's bad! He did nothing wrong! He never deserved to die! Ever! He was a baby! He hadn't even lived half a life yet!" It frowns. "But I need to feed on pain." "I know," I growl. "You told me you would feed upon mine, by killing my friends." "But do you not?" I frown, and slowly relax. He's not here to hurt anything. He is simply a being without knowledge. "No," I respond. "No. I eat physical...things." It blinks, and for a moment, I lose sight of its eyes. "Then killing your friends wouldn't feed you?" "No," I respond. "No, it wouldn't." "What are you?" I feel curiosity overtake my mind. "I'm a human. You seem to be one, as well, what with your structure..." "So...We are the same?" "N...Not exactly," I say. "I mean...Do you feel?" "Feel?" "Emotions. Anger, fear, curiosity...Guilt." "I don't know. I cannot define, yet I feel...things." "Then," I respond, "we are the same. But we survive in different ways." It nods. "Then that means that I'm not alone. That means I'm not the only thing of me here..." I approach it, carefully, and place a hand on its shoulder. "Do you have a name?" "I...I don't know." I frown, and immediately come up with a name. "Your name is Grendel," I say. "Grendel?" I nod. I've taken the name straight from Beowulf, and from the novel "Grendel". In Grendel, the monster was actually capable of human thought and emotion. But people were too afraid to see past its prior actions and its appearance. I don't plan upon repeating that mistake. "Grendel," he repeats. I'm going to start calling It "he," as he seems to bear the same figure as a male human. "I am Grendel..." I nod. Identity is a powerful thing. And it is the difference between wonton murder, and justice. "Yes," I say. "And I'm going to help you. In order for you to survive, you need to feed on pain, no?" He nods, and I sigh. "Are you hungry now?" He nods again. I sigh. I might as well help the poor thing... "Can you feel other pain?" I ask. He simply stares at me. "Can you feel the pain caused by others?" He blinks, and, after a short while, he nods. "I can feel it, and I can know its source. But I cannot feed on it." "Good," I say, nodding to myself. "Find something that has caused a lot of pain. Find out who it is that caused a lot of pain. Can you do that? Right now?" He stares at me for a few moments, and then nods. "A...I'm not sure what it is. But I know what it looks like. I know where it is. I can feel the pain it makes...So much pain...It makes me hungry. I think it's a...Griffin? I'm not sure. I don't know how I came to know...words..." I nod. "I'll help you find that out later. But, for now, go feed on the griffin. But don't just kill it. Chase it. Make it feel fear. And then, hurt it. Break its legs, break its wings, tear its wings off, whatever you have to do. Feed on it. Come back when you're done, and tell me how you did it. I may be able to make one kill satisfy you for days." He nods, and seems to melt into the ground. I feel a sense of...dread. What have I just done? I've just condemned another being to death. I've just played God. Not only that, I've...befriended the thing that has hurt my friends. And, worse than that, I gave it a reason to keep going. I gave it a reason to continue to kill. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ... What have I done... My legs are weak. My breath is short. I can barely walk. I'm responsible for the death, and torture, of another living being... I don't know how I'll make it back to the guest chambers. All I can do is...Wobble. I can't stop thinking about this...This feeling... I've just killed something. I killed something! Oh, God, I'm a murderer! I collapse to the ground, leaning against the wall of the alleyway. And I begin to cry. I've just killed something... Does it deserve it? Maybe. But I don't know... Oh, God, I just killed someone! Maybe not directly, but... I gave him permission to kill! How can I ever look myself in the mirror again? How can I even see myself as a boy, neigh; a human! How can I ever think of myself, and feel pride, ever again? A high-pitched wail escapes from my entire being, and I find myself whimpering, and continuously making noises like that of a tortured creature. I don't know how long I've been here, wailing my throat hoarse, when I feel a leg on my shoulders. "Peter, come on," a voice says softly. "Come on, sweetheart. We're going to get you back home, honey...Come on..." I struggle to walk, letting the cyan Pegasus support my weight as I feel my stomach churn. My wail reduces to a slight sputter as she continues to comfort me. I'm oblivious to my surroundings as we proceed. All I know is that out there, somewhere, someone is going to die because of me. Someone is going to know the true meaning of pain, because of me. I feel myself being placed down on a bed. I force myself to return to my body from my mind, and I observe my surroundings. I'm back in the guest chambers, and I'm in the bed I share with Rainbow Dash. I see Rainbow Dash, talking with Fluttershy, as well as several other ponies watching me in concern. After a few moments, the two Pegasus ponies trot over to me, both of them frowning in concern. Rainbow climbs into bed with me, and wraps her hooves around me. I snuggle up to her, allowing her to hold my shuddering form as I bury my face into her chest. "I'm sorry..." I mutter. Not as much to her, as to whatever Grendel is currently murdering. "It's okay," she whispers, as Fluttershy pulls the curtains surrounding my bed shut. "It's okay, Peter. It's okay...I'm here for you, babe." Her soothing words and embrace eventually calm me down, and I begin to fall asleep. "Go to sleep," she whispers into my ear. "I won't leave your side. I promise." With that, I press myself closer to the cyan Pegasus, reveling in her warmth as I fall asleep.