Chpt. 11 - Shut Up
Monday, March 31
It wasn’t the worst breakfast Diamond had ever had. The meals her dad usually made were pretty bland whenever he tried to make them himself. Last time he'd made toast with no jam and pancakes without syrup. At least this time he'd remembered to put flowers on top of the hay. She cleaned her whole plate and leaned back in her chair as she waited for her dad to finally come back.
She would have just gone off to school on her own, but she wanted to stay in case he needed to use her cuteness again as a persuasive technique against this guest he was bringing over. What was taking him so long, anyway? It wasn't like him to go off for this long and leave her waiting like this. After all, she was his little princess, and he would never do anything important without letting her know about it.
She wondered if he had a surprise planned for her. He didn’t usually do anything like that while she was being punished, but maybe he was feeling guilty about it and wanted to make it up to her. In any case, it wasn’t like he shouldn’t have felt guilty after what he’d put her through.
She just wanted her dad to get back already so she could get to work on her brilliant plan to end the punishment once and for all. It was the sort of scheme that only she could have figured out, the kind that took a special kind of mind to dream up. She doubted even Miss Cherilee would see it coming, and the more she envisioned it in her mind, the more confident she felt about it succeeding.
However, as she rested her head on her hoof in gleeful contemplation, the feel of her hoof against her face snapped her back into reality. Her hoof didn't feel clean and smooth like it normally did. It felt sticky and slimy. In fact, so did most of her body. That's when she finally noticed: she was still covered in the strawberry ice cream from last night’s gorge.
She instinctively jerked her hoof away from her face, sending tiny pink droplets of half-spoiled ice cream flying off it onto the dining room carpet. At first, the texture and sight of the lumpy, pink substance made her turn slightly green, but then realization rang in her mind like a choir of bells.
She turned her head, eyes wide with horror, to see a trail of pink sludge extending into the endless darkness of the hallway behind her. After that wild scavenger hunt for her dad, she knew it had to have stained every room in the house. Her dad would be breathing fire out his nose once he saw this.
Her mind started racing as she attempted to think of a way to clean up the mess or find something else to pin the blame on, when suddenly she heard a noise that redirected her attention. It was a deep, rumbling growl, and it sounded like it came from the kitchen. Realizing she had never actually searched the kitchen, she wondered if her dad had been in there the entire time.
"D-dad, is that you?" she asked hesitantly, unsure if she actually wanted it to be him. After a few seconds without a response, she got up from her chair and slowly started approaching the kitchen door. "Dad, I can explain," she began.
Still getting no response, her anxiety started to transform into confusion. Her dad got mad and her dad got quiet, but never both. She was starting to suspect that whatever was behind that door wasn't who she thought it was. Then again, she hadn’t heard another noise other than that first growl, so maybe it had been her imagination. No, she couldn’t have been mistaken. She had perfect hearing. There was definitely something in the kitchen, and whether it was her dad or not, she had to find out what it was.
She gathered up all her courage, raised her hoof up against the door, and shoved it aside like it was one of her classmates standing in her way.
Why did my stomach choose now of all times to betray me? Did my brain fail to let it know I was trying to hide? Of course it did. My stomach and brain haven't spoken to each other since that time I tried green tea. Now what do I do? Never mind my disgust with conversations. What do I even say?
My insides felt like they were on public television and they was about to go live. Calming down was a kiss to the elbow at this point, so I just tried to hold onto that small possibility that the hay-muncher hadn't heard anything.
"D-dad, is that you?" I heard from the other room.
I'd give my face such a palm right now if it weren’t for the resulting sound effect.
I heard the chair slide out again and the familiar sound of four footsteps approaching. The thought of interacting with an actual supernatural entity was too overwhelming. I couldn’t handle the reality of it. Sweat was exploding off my face like the sun dropped by for a visit as my mind got to work searching for any and every potential escape option at my disposal.
The only door into this room is the one I entered through. All I have in my inventory is my mallet, my wallet, a newspaper, a book, some fliers, and a green toothbrush. None of those can provide me with any quick means of escape, so I'll need to get creative. There's an open window by the sink that I could try zooming through, but I already vowed that I wouldn't leave this house until Fluttershy got here. I’m probably afraid enough to smash through the wall into the next room, but with the crash that would make, I might as well just paint bright red spots all over my body. If I still had that one pencil from my exam, I could just draw a door on the wall and sneak into the next room. Why'd I have to waste it on that pinkhearted good deed? If only they had a painting or a picture hanging on the wall, I could just skidoo into it, but alas, this is a kitchen, and I'm unlucky.
"Dad, I can explain."
That makes one of us.
All my ideas came up short, and I couldn't think of any method of getting away without either being seen or going outside. I could tell Mr. Rich's daughter was right outside the door, and I could feel the anvil of inevitability casting its shadow over me. In my last few moments, a plan finally surfaced that I could get behind. It wasn't an escape plan, but it would prevent me from having to talk. As I saw the door begin to open, I dropped on all fours, bracing myself for what was on the other side of it.
Diamond let out a high-pitched yelp the second she saw it. As soon as the door was out of her way, she was left standing face to face with the most hideous creature that had ever disgraced her eyes. The orange mess on top of what she believed to be its head was the only thing close to hair she could identify on it; its eyes were unnervingly dull and colored a disgustingly muddy shade of brown; there were two c-shaped things jutting out from the side of its head that she could only hope were its ears; and not counting its head, it was covered from head to toe in clothing so plain that vomiting on it wouldn't have been a strong enough response. She had no idea what a monster like this was doing inside her kitchen, but suffice it to say, being sticky was no longer her main concern.
Her dad had told her to never run from a wild animal, so she just stood there, immobile, her eyes tightly shut, unable to even look at it. She was trembling in both fear and disgust, waiting for somepony, anypony to show up with a leash or a meat cleaver and get it away from her. An entire minute passed, and she found herself slowly opening her left eye to see if the creature was still there. It was, and it seemed to be just staring at her. Its eyes were distended and malicious, peering down at her almost...hungrily. She knew this monster wanted something from her, and she didn't think flowers and hay were going to satisfy it. All she could do was hold still and hope to Celestia that the orange monstrosity didn't care for the taste of spoiled ice cream.
Give me a second here. I want to remember this moment for the rest of eternity.
My brain almost couldn't fathom it. I was in the same room as a paranormal creature, and she was close enough for me to sneeze on. My inner child was jumping around inside my brain like a bouncy castle, trying to get the rest of my body to respond.
The second that door moved out of the way, I was examining her like an angry critic. I think she screamed or something, but I was too consumed by curiosity to hear any such noise.
From the first glance, there was one thing about her that really drew my attention. She was unbelievably pink. Her body was pink, her mane was pink, her eyebrows were pink, and even her outline was pink. She was so pink that it made me second-guess the fact that Mr. "Brown and Black" Rich was actually her dad. The only thing that wasn't pink about her were her blue eyes, which I only saw for a split-second before she forced them shut like she was trying to conceal them from me. I knew I needed a name to associate with her for the moment other than "Mr. Rich's daughter", so I settled on the only appropriate name there was for her: Pinkie.
Pinkie's intro theme matched her appearance perfectly. It was sweet, melodious, and full of life, sounding like something that would play in an ice cream parlor or at a sanitary amusement park. The only problem with it was how unnaturally loud it was. It felt as if the music was trying to hammer in just how sweet and innocent she really was. Fluttershy's theme it was not, but at least it wasn't harsh sounding like Rook's.
That was really about it. Pinkie was a small, pink pony. She was like a little girl's dream come to life. If she were brown like her dad, she'd have looked like a regular horse. However, I knew better than to judge a paranormal creature based on pretenses. If this had happened a few days ago, I would have begun psychoanalyzing her already, but now that I had thrown off those shackles, my mind was only focused on one question: what powers did she have?
She has to have at least a few. There's no such thing as a supernatural creature without powers. That would be like a tag team without a heated argument. I just need to figure out how to get her to show them to me. Unfortunately, I think it's going to require...words.
It wasn't going to be easy. Pinkie still wouldn't even open her eyes, and she looked like she was either very cold or fully mortified. That didn't sit well with me. If I were really scaring her this badly, that meant I was a better antagonist when I wasn't trying to be one. I had thought that getting on all fours like this would make myself look both less intimidating and sociable, but apparently I was only half-right. Regardless, at this rate she wasn't going to show me anything other than how long she could keep her eyes closed, so something needed to be done to change the flow of the scene.
Then, as if my narration willed it, Pinkie reopened her left eye as if she wanted to get another look at me. I couldn’t get a good read of what she was thinking, but she clearly wasn’t too thrilled that I was in her kitchen. Another thirty seconds passed, and she slowly opened her other eye and her face reverted to a neutral expression as she finally stopped trembling. I thought she was about to get bored of me and leave, so I chose to act before that happened.
I came up with an idea to give her something to say without saying anything myself. I pulled out the newspaper from my hammerspace and dropped it to the kitchen floor right in between us, hoping for the first time in my life that my actions would somehow spark a discussion.
Pinkie tilted her head down to look at it and gasped as if she found something about it that interested her. At first, I thought she was just surprised to read about that blooming flower. Then, she slowly tilted her head back up just enough so that I could see her two eye-monsters glaring up at me. Her mouth had descended into a grimace, her pink eyebrows had narrowed, and her overall expression now matched the one Rook made when I beat him at tennischess. Pinkie was mad.
Her gaze shot straight through me with an astoundingly piercing brilliance as she took her first step towards me. That's when I noticed it. As she menacingly slammed her hoof onto the floor, a slime matching her fur color oozed out of it, creating a pink puddle on the white kitchen floor. My eyes gleamed so brightly at the sight I thought I was going blind. I had heard of slime monsters before, but never ones that looked like horses. If that was what I was dealing with here, then I'd just won the most ridiculous lottery I could ever hope to win. I couldn't help myself. I had to smile to the highest possible degree: a full toothy grin. That got me a quick uppercut to the jaw.
I regret very little.
Pinkie's attack wasn’t overly powerful, but given my quadrupedal position, it sent me tumbling onto my back and made my eyes spin wildly as my head slammed against the kitchen floor. As I tried to still my eyes, I got to experience the pleasant feeling of a small horse jumping onto my chest, her slime oozing out onto my clothes from the impact. Her teeth were clenched, she was trembling again, and given the circumstances, I'm surprised her eyes weren't on fire yet. I imagined Pinkie was about to pull out a giant weapon from her hammerspace or use some side effect from her slime to turn me inside out, but all I got was a harsh, threatening question asked barely above a whisper.
"What did you to my dad?"
…I think we both know of the price that comes with popularity. I’ve already payed mine, princess. Now it’s your turn. Prepare yourself, for in a fortnight’s time, your beloved Elements will be gone. You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
"'The price that comes with popularity', what do they mean by that?" Twilight asked herself as she reread the letter for the seventeenth time that morning. Nine days had already passed, and there were still no signs of anything resembling a threat that might attempt to steal the Elements of Harmony. Neither she nor her friends had had any trouble protecting them, and she was afraid that there was something in the letter that had been overlooked.
"Twilight, you’ve read that thing over a hundred times already. Don’t you think if there was something you missed, you would have caught it by now?" Spike sleepily asked as he walked down the stairs, noting that his friend was in the exact same spot as when he went to bed.
"It just isn’t making any sense, Spike. There has to be something I’m not seeing here," she groaned as she flipped through some reference materials she had spread out along her desk.
"What do you mean?" Spike asked as he gathered up the unholy mess of books scattered along the floor.
Twilight held up the notorious letter with her magic. "Princess Celestia said she didn’t know who sent this letter, but the author clearly knows who she is and speaks as if they have a history together. It’s even signed ‘your friend’."
"Well, maybe it's been a long time since they've seen each other and she just doesn't remember them," he suggested, now holding a large stack of books at least three times his size.
Twilight shook her head. "I doubt that, Spike. You can never forget a good friend."
Spike reached for the last book left on the ground with his free claw while trying not to drop his stack. "But what if this thing wasn’t a good friend? What if they had some falling out and never spoke to each other again?"
"Then it would make even less sense for Princess Celestia to forget about it, now wouldn’t it?" Twilight closed the book she was reading and picked up another one.
"So, wait a second. Does that mean this whole thing's a fake after all?" Spike asked hopefully, trying to pick up the book with his hind claw.
"I wish it were, Spike, but I'm afraid that's no longer a possibility. In fact, it never was," Twilight gravely replied, her focus still on her books.
"How come?" Spike asked, reaching for the book with his tail.
Twilight tapped the letter twice with her hoof. "The author of this letter knew about Malice and mentions it by name. That kind of information can't be found in any library throughout Equestria. The only ones who even knew about it at the time this letter was sent were the princesses, my friends, and me. My friends and I were off fighting Malice, so we couldn't have told anypony, and I honestly doubt either of the princesses would go around telling that to random ponies on the street."
Spike finally managed to grab the book with his tail as Twilight finished. "So, how did this guy find out then?" he asked.
"There's only one way I can think that it could have found out about our battle with Malice without anypony knowing about it." Twilight closed her book and solemnly turned to face Spike. "It's been spying on us."
"Spying on us?" Spike shouted, dropping all the books he was holding in shock. He grumbled as he bent down to pick them up again.
"That's right, Spike. If you think about it, it all makes sense. Even if they've only been secretly watching us for a few weeks, they could have easily overheard the princess telling us about Malice. Plus, think how much easier it would be for them to infiltrate the castle and drop this letter somewhere without anyone seeing. If they were careful enough, they could have easily done it without magic."
"But if that's true, shouldn’t they also know the Elements of Harmony were moved here?"
"That's exactly what I thought, and that’s what’s confusing me the most."
"Huh?" Spike gave Twilight a funny look.
"This letter says that the Elements of Harmony will be gone within the span of two weeks, but it’s already been over a week and nothing’s happened. Even the princess has reported that there have been no signs of distress in Canterlot. If they already know where the Elements are, then why haven't they done anything yet?"
Spike scratched his head. "Well, didn't you tell Rarity that they could just be waiting for one of you to go off on your own or something?"
"I did think that, but I've come to realize that idea doesn't make any sense."
"Why not?"
"If they really are just waiting for us to separate, why did they put a deadline on their threat? If they could just strike at any time, it would be much easier just to say they were coming to steal the Elements of Harmony and leave it at that."
"Maybe that's it! Maybe they can’t strike at any time! Maybe it’ll take some more time for them to get here."
"Or…maybe they’re already here!"
"What?" Spike dropped his books again, not bothering to pick them back up this time.
"Think about it. Suppose this letter was written by the changelings. It would explain everything. With their ability to shapeshift, they could have been spying on us for years without us realizing it. For all we know, they've been secretly replacing everypony in town one by one. If they take over the entire town, they'll have us cornered!"
"Uh, Twilight…"
"I've got to give them credit. It's a brilliant plan, but it's not going to work while I'm on the job. Come on, Spike. We have to take action before we're the only ones left. I’ll use my true identity spell on everypony in town if I have to." Twilight threw a few books into her saddlebag and placed it on her back.
"Twilight…"
"I just hope we’re not too late. Oh, how could I not think of this sooner?" Twilight began quickly making her way to the door.
"Twilight!"
Twilight came screeching to a halt at the sound of Spike's outburst. She turned back to face him, looking at him with impatience in her eyes.
Spike's arms were crossed and he had a stern expression on his face. He looked as if he'd had something on his mind for an entire week that needed to be said. "Are you sure that you’re not overreacting to all this? Even just a little?"
Twilight responded almost immediately. "Overreacting? Overreacting? Have you been paying attention at all, Spike? Have you seen this letter? Have you considered the depraved monster that might have written it? Have you even thought about what all this could mean for the future of Equestria?"
Not wanting to set Twilight off again, Spike softened his expression and tried to be more sympathetic in his approach. "I’m just worried about you, Twilight. You cast that 'sleep with your eyes open' spell on yourself, you set up so many booby traps in here that ponies can’t even come in to check out books anymore, you can't go half an hour without checking on your friends through these dumb telescopes, and I mean, ]seven forcefields?" He opened the window to look at the multiple layers of protection Twilight had set up around the library.
"I told you Spike, the first one’s in case of griffons, the second one’s for manticores, the next three are for dragons…"
"I know, I know, that’s not my point," Spike interrupted, trying to stay focused. "It’s just…all you’ve done for the last nine days is worry about something that’s coming to steal the Elements. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you worried about the future like this?"
"Of course I remember, Spike, but this is completely different," Twilight replied.
"How?" Spike asked blankly.
"Back then, I was worrying about some vague disaster that my future self warned me about, but this time I’m preparing myself for a potential danger that Princess Celestia warned me about. It's practically night and day."
"But you told me you were going to just let the future handle itself. You said you were going to solve problems as they came."
"Right, and if the town’s getting replaced by changelings, that’s a problem that I can solve right now. Now let’s get going before it’s too late."
"But Twilight, you—" Spike’s words were interrupted as he let out a belch of green flame. The flame transformed into a scroll, which fell onto the floor in front of Twilight.
"The princess must have decided to send this morning’s report a bit early. I sure hope it’s good news." Twilight opened the scroll to read it aloud.
My faithful student Twilight,
I am pleased to report that the potential threat specified in that letter from last week has yet to make good on its promise. There have been no signs of trouble on my end, and I am relieved to hear the same is true on yours. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ve left no stone unturned in your efforts to keep Equestria safe, and I commend both you and your friends for your dedication and commitment.
"Sounds like good news to me," Spike happily remarked.
However…
"Uh-oh." Spike frowned.
…while I appreciate your cooperation in protecting the Elements, I wanted to make sure it hasn’t been your only priority this past week. While it’s true that they are timeworn artifacts of great power and significance, we mustn’t let them take precedence over what's truly important.
Remember, it was only through the incredible bond you share with your friends that the Elements were able to harness their power in the first place, and weakening that bond by guarding the Elements behind closed doors would only hurt our chances of fending off this looming threat. Therefore, I respectfully ask that you continue your skillful protection of your Element, but please don’t spend all your time cooped up in the library. If the worst does indeed come to pass, we’ll need the magic of your friendship to be stronger than ever.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Twilight let the letter fall to the floor, her eyes wide with fear as the gravity of the letter sunk in. "What have I done?" she muttered to herself before sprinting out of the library, throwing open the door with her magic and dropping all seven forcefields as she dashed outside.
Spike was left alone, bewildered at how quickly Twilight had run out. He felt comforted that the princess had responded to the extra note he put in their last letter about Twilight’s obsessive behavior. He just hoped Twilight wasn’t planning to do anything crazy after reading her response.
He picked it up from where she dropped it and noticed a small section at the end that the purple mare seemed to have overlooked in her hasty departure.
P.S. If you happen to run into our new guest, please don't be afraid of it. It may be a bit strange, but I can assure you it's harmless. Please be sure to give it a nice, warm welcome. I'm sure Pinkie will be more than happy to handle that.
I think Pinkie's trying to punch me with her eyes.
It wasn't my original plan, but it seemed that making Pinkie mad was probably the most ideal path I could have taken. Not only did it break the ice and let me see one of her powers, but I didn't even have to say anything to do it.
She was looking down at me now, her slime dripping off her mane and onto my clothes and face. It was warm and sticky just like I imagined, and it smelled and tasted like spoiled dairy. My next objective was to find out what purpose it served. For that to happen, I needed to make her angrier.
"I’m not going to ask again. What did you do with my dad?" she threatened again as she stomped down on my chest so hard it made my eyes pop out like a squeeze toy. It was painful, but it was like getting kicked in the stomach by a celebrity or someone wearing a monocle. It was too much of an honor to be uncomfortable. Besides, for an antagonist, getting hurt was like getting messy. It was practically a second job. The real issue was that she was still holding back. She was still only using brute force. She had yet to grow any glowing tusks made of pure energy or even change her eye color. That needed to change.
Pinkie's intro music had ended, and the BGM that had taken its place had completely reversed the mood. The bubbly, innocent melody that was playing earlier had been replaced by a distressing, volatile one made up of nothing but violins and drums. It appeared that Pinkie didn't fool around when it came to her dad, and if she really had the power to warrant this kind of music, I wanted to see that power in action more than I wanted food.
There were so many ways I could have egged her on. I could have said I kidnapped her dad and tied him to the railroad tracks while I laughed maniacally and twirled my false mustache. I could have gone on about how much fun it was to push him off the cliff into the piranha-filled lake as the disintegration ray finished charging up. I could have said I forced him to participate in a backgammon tournament and gleefully watched as he kept glancing over at a group of horses who weren’t playing backgammon until the envy devoured him whole.
Any of them would have been guaranteed to set her off considering how mad her assumptions alone had made her. Unfortunately, the additional hundred pounds on my chest made it difficult to speak, and I still wanted to avoid doing so unless it was absolutely necessary. Besides, I wanted to know where her dad was just as much as she did. Then again, I wasn't exactly prepared to pounce on someone to get that information.
It seemed, however, that my silence was enough to move things along, because she soon let out a peevish groan and muttered, "What, you can't remember? Or are you just too dumb to talk?" Naturally, I remained silent in the face of insultery, which I'm sure validated both questions in her mind.
"Fine," she grumbled as if I had just cut her allowance in half. Then, the jumping began. As if I were a trampoline or a blob of gelatin, she started bouncing on my chest with an almost wicked smile across her face. It felt like I was being cut in half by a poorly skilled illusionist, but I couldn't tell her to stop without actually telling her to stop. Her slime was flying everywhere, and after about six or seven hops, her entirely pink mane began to give way to a new color scheme, a striped pattern of purple and white. I had never heard of bouncing as a transformation sequence, but when was I ever one to complain about something silly like that?
"How about now? Did I jog your memory?" she asked after the twenty-third hop, only about half her mane altered in color. Her half-transformation befuddled me, and I gave her a look to match. She stopped bouncing, her smile turning back into a scowl as she spoke like the words were oozing out of her, "Tell me where he is right now or else."
Or else? She doesn't even know what she's going to do. This is my chance. If I make her explode now, I might get my first ever experience of combat over lava.
The wind had just been knocked out of me fourteen times in a row, but I didn't have to speak to get my point across. All I had to do was mirror the same malicious grin that Pinkie had on her face not thirty seconds ago and let her read between the lines. She read it loud and clear.
If there was another level of anger that Pinkie could reach after this one, that alone would be supernatural. There was no way she'd even consider showing restraint with that much eye twitching. The moment had finally arrived. I was going to see what made Pinkie so special.
Maybe she could make clones of herself rise out of her slime. Maybe she could use telekinesis on pink things and used her slime to make things pink. Maybe she turned into a fifty-foot moose after all her slime fell off her. Did it even matter? Whatever she could do, I had a front row seat to watch it. Actually, I was more like a volunteer from the audience. Unfortunately, at that very moment, a heckler appeared in the crowd with a voice that made the BGM practically apologize for its intensity.
"Stop!" Fluttershy shouted, preempting whatever slime-based attack I had coming to me. "What are you doing to that poor creature?"
She had entered the room so quietly that neither of us had even noticed. Her exclamation made Pinkie turn away from me, and I could tell from the serene BGM that the moment had been lost. I couldn't believe it. My big chance had just been interrupted, and I couldn't even be upset about it because the voice that did it was too perfect.
Fluttershy, you don't play fair.
"Poor creature? This thing ate my dad! And who are you calling ‘little girl’?" Pinkie barked at Fluttershy about as spitefully as if she were still talking to me.
"Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you," she replied, pausing for a moment as she took a step backward, "but I’m pretty sure it didn’t eat your dad."
"How would you know? Who are you, anyway? How did you get in my house?" Pinkie asked, stepping off my chest as if she forgot I even existed.
"I let her in," another familiar voice called from around the corner. Given that I only recognized three voices in this world, I wasn't surprised to see Mr. Rich was the next one to push open the kitchen door and enter the fray.
"Dad!" Pinkie exclaimed as she practically flew across the kitchen to embrace him, her lingering slime naturally getting all over his suit as she slammed into him.
If Mr. Rich was really Pinkie's dad, someone really needed to let him know. As he caught his balance from the impact, he had to take a step back and push her away as if he wasn't even used to getting slimed. He looked down at his suit, quietly muttering to himself before looking at the pink swamp around us that was formerly his kitchen. His eyes grew to a size befitting terror as he sprinted back through the door like he heard my roommate's alarm clock.
"Diamond Tiara!" I heard him angrily shout from the next room over.
That's an odd expletive. Hope that doesn't alert the censors.
He stormed back into the room, almost looking more flustered than angry. "Why is my house pink?" he shouted as Fluttershy backed into the corner of the kitchen.
"I—it's not my fault!" Pinkie replied as she turned back towards me. "It was that thing! It stole the ice cream from our freezer and spilled it all over the house!"
"Really?" Mr. Rich asked rhetorically, scraping off some of the slime that was still on her face, "And would that be the same ice cream that you're covered in right now?"
Silly Mr. Rich. If that was ice cream, this would all be ridiculous.
"It's trying to frame me!" Pinkie insisted. "That's what monsters do! Just get it out of our house before it does something else! It's evil!" She pointed her hoof straight at me as I sat back up.
He gave me a quick glance, then looked back at his daughter. "That 'monster' is our guest, and both it and you are going nowhere until every speck of this stuff is cleaned up!"
Did Mr. Rich just punish me?
"I can't clean this mess up now! That'll take forever! I'll be late for school!" Pinkie protested as more "ice cream" dripped off her mane onto the kitchen floor.
Mr. Rich's eyes shifted between me and then Fluttershy, almost as if in embarrassment. He smiled before suggesting in a much softer tone, "Why don’t we go get you cleaned up, and I’ll explain what happened last night?" He placed his hoof around a dry spot on her back and slid her toward the dining room.
"Fine," she said, giving me one last vicious glare before disappearing behind the kitchen door.
"I'll, uh, leave that one to you, Fluttershy," Mr. Rich stated to the mare who had just walked out of the corner before following his "daughter" into the next room. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but I couldn't help but feel cheated somehow.
"It’s okay, little guy. There’s nothing to be afraid of now." I felt something rubbing the top of my head. I looked beside me to see Fluttershy right in my face, her tone suggesting she was trying to calm me down.
Upon closer inspection, I noticed that she had wings on her back. I hadn't looked for it, but I was fairly certain neither member of the Rich family had wings. I wondered if each of these horses had their own supernatural ability. If that was the case, then words couldn't describe how amazing this adventure was going to be. My genuine smile came rushing back, which I think Fluttershy took as a sign that her calming words were successful.
"That's right. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to be your friend," she cooed, her hoof still resting on my head. "You know, I don't know many creatures that can dress themselves. Can you speak?"
That's the question of the day, isn't it? If these horses don't know I can talk, I'll be able to witness everything with none of the meaninglessness of conversation. When am I ever going to get an opportunity like that again? I don't have to be mute. I just need to make a noise like a cow or a sheep to fend off suspicions. Let me think. What noise would a human make if they had no developed system of language?
"Mork," I replied as if the word just exploded out of me.
"I'm sorry?" She gave me a look as if she misheard.
"Mork," I repeated with added confidence, my natural smile giving way to my fake one.
"Oh...I see, but you do understand me, don't you? One ‘mork’ for no, two ‘morks’ for yes."
I didn't see the harm in letting her know I could at least understand what she were saying, so I decided to cooperate by replying, "Mork mork."
"Wonderful. That should make this much easier," she softly exclaimed as I got back on all fours to keep up my "animal" persona. Fluttershy tilted her head and looked at me with concern. "That filly didn’t hurt you too much did she?"
"Mork," I answered, remembering the system we had just developed.
Odd, she said that as if she thinks bones stay broken. Maybe she meant it in a psychological sense. That reminds me, I wonder if any of these horses have the power to give me my passion for psychology back. If I could find a horse like that, I wouldn't have to give up on my other dream after all. How’s that for a win-win?
As I considered the concept of using one dream to perform CPR on my other, I felt myself being pushed forward toward the kitchen exit. I turned around to see Fluttershy shoving me forward with her head and figured I had better save her the trouble and crawl forward myself.
"We should go to the library," she said as we headed into the kitchen. "I’m sure Twilight will have a book that should help us figure out what you are. Then, we can help you get home. You'd love that, won't you?"
That was close. I almost just burst out into laughter. I need to be more careful. Everyone knows that if something can laugh, it can talk.
I didn't see any sign of the Rich family as we made our way through the house, although I did spot Pinkie's thick trail of slime leading down the long hallway. I had so many questions to ask, but since "mork" wasn't one of them, I figured they would have to wait.
We headed toward the front door when the thought occurred to me that I was about to see what the outside world looked like in broad daylight for the first time. However, just before I could reach out to grab the meaningless doorknob, Fluttershy suddenly jumped in front of me, blocking the exit.
"Wait a second! We can’t go outside where all the other ponies can see you! Who knows what they might do?"
Aha, so horses are the dominant race. At this rate, I won't even have to ask any questions.
"I’ll go get Twilight and bring her here. You just stay here and don’t go outside, understand?"
"Mork," I replied unconsciously as if she had just reminded me for the fiftieth time.
Fluttershy headed outside, giving me a brief glimpse of daylight before the door rudely took it away. I gave the foyer a brief overview in her absence.
The room was very posh, mostly free of Pinkie's slime. To my left was a pale, linen couch that had its cushions rearranged for someone to sleep there. I considered taking a seat on it while I waited for Fluttershy to come back, but before I could, the excitable mare burst right back through the door with another horse by her side.
Twilight ran through the middle of Ponyville as fast as she possibly could. How could she have been so blind? She had been so focused on trying to protect the Elements, she had been completely neglecting her friends, the very source of their power. There was no time to lose. She had to find her friends and make it up to them whether they liked it or not.
The last time she checked her telescopes, she had spotted Rainbow Dash reading a book up in her cloud home and Rarity attempting to make something out of some orange fabric in her boutique, but Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy were all off doing who-knows-what.
Twilight had loaned her balloon to the mayor, so she decided to go see Rarity first. She felt a bit embarrassed at the way she had handled Rarity’s problem the day before, and she knew that apologizing to her was definitely a must.
She knocked on Rarity’s door and waited for a response. After a few seconds of waiting, the door opened and Rarity's younger sister was standing there to greet her.
"Hi, Twilight," Sweetie Belle said in a very bored-sounding manner.
"Hello, Sweetie Belle. Is Rarity home?" Twilight collectedly asked the filly.
Sweetie Belle shook her head. "She said the very presumption of all things beautiful had forsaken her, so she went to the spa to relax."
"I see," Twilight replied. "Well I guess if she’s not here, I’ll just…"
"Wait a second, Twilight!" Sweetie’s voice suddenly raised in enthusiasm. "Are you doing anything fun right now? Scootaloo and I are bored out of our minds in here!" Her purple-maned friend behind her glanced up from the macaroni art she was dispassionately working on to vigorously nod in agreement.
"You are? Well, what about Apple Bloom? I thought you’d all be off with your crusading right about now."
Scootaloo walked up to Sweetie’s side to say, "She went on a camping trip with Applejack yesterday, and we haven’t seen her since."
Scootaloo’s words sent Twilight into a state of panic. "Applejack went on a camping trip? This week of all weeks? And she’s still not back yet?!"
"What’s so special about this week?" Sweetie asked.
"All I can think of is the big Horseshoe Switcheroo this Thursday," Scootaloo said, scratching her head in confusion. "I think they’ll be back by then, Twilight."
"Uh...right, right. Of course," Twilight replied, remembering the two fillies couldn't even see the crown on her head at the moment. "So, did they say where they were going camping?" she asked, masking her worries about Applejack’s recklessness.
"Sweet Apple Acres," the two said simultaneously.
Twilight’s felt a tsunami of relief crash through her entire body. "They’re camping at their own farm?"
"Applejack said she just wanted to spend some time with Apple Bloom," Sweetie replied. "She said it didn’t matter what or where it was as long as they did something together."
Twilight sighed in relief. "Well, I’m sorry to say I’m not really doing anything ‘fun’ right now, but you wouldn’t happen to know where Pinkie or Fluttershy are would you?"
Sweetie was the first to speak up. "Fluttershy’s been looking for that lost owl of hers since yesterday. She stopped by here about three times yesterday to see if we’d seen it. I don’t know where she is now, though."
Scootaloo continued, "And Mr. Cake told me Pinkie spent all day yesterday helping the him and Mrs. Cake prepare for Thursday’s big event. I saw her this morning going all over Ponyville and talking to everypony in town about it."
"So they could be anywhere then," Twilight thought aloud. "That’s unfortunate."
"Is there some kind of trouble?" Sweetie asked, a combination of concern and intrigue in her voice.
"We could help if you’ve got a problem. We’re soooo bored here," Scootaloo whined, practically begging for there to be a problem.
"That’s okay, I shouldn’t really need—" Twilight started.
"Please, Twilight? At least let us come with you. I don’t want to be here when my sister gets back. She’s already made me model for her twice today. I can't handle any more lace!" Sweetie Belle whined, her voice squeaking as she said "handle".
"Plus, if we come with you, we’ll be able to find Fluttershy and Pinkie so much faster. I can scout out all of Ponyville on my scooter in ten minutes flat!" Scootaloo boasted as she put on her helmet.
"Well, I...wait a minute, shouldn’t you two be in school?" Twilight asked, realizing the time.
"Miss Cheerilee told us last Friday that she had a surprise for us today, so she delayed class an hour to give her time to prepare for it," Sweetie explained.
"Yeah, so that still gives us almost half an hour to help you. Please, Twilight?" Scootaloo begged, her pupils dilating to help state her case.
"We’ll do our very best," Sweetie insisted, her pupils matching Scootaloo's.
Twilight pondered the idea for a few seconds, eventually deciding that she could use the help.
"All right, you can help me look for—"
"Cutie Mark Crusader Pony Finders go!" the two exclaimed, forcing Twilight to take a step back and then smile at their vivacity. It was her first genuine smile since she'd first received her assignment from the princess, and it made her feel better than seven hundred protective forcefields.
"I’ll go to Sweet Apple Acres and meet up with Applejack," Twilight instructed. "You two can go look for Pinkie and Fluttershy. If you find either of them, tell them to meet me back in the library. I have something important to tell them."
She watched the two head off, feeling a little more confident that everything was going to work out. She knew where most of her friends were now, and she was sure she'd be able to find the others pretty easily with the additional help. Once she got all her friends together, she'd be able to reconnect with them in no time at all. Then, maybe she could write the princess a detailed letter about friendship. She hadn’t written one of those since she’d started guarding her Element anyway.
Fluttershy ran straight out of Mr. Rich’s house, almost running into his mailbox in the process. She needed to find Twilight as soon as possible so she could help this defenseless creature get home. She couldn’t imagine what the poor thing was thinking, but she knew it had to be terrified after whatever happened before she arrived.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t two seconds after sidestepping the mailbox that she crashed straight into Pinkie Pie. She was knocked to the ground while Pinkie remained unaffected by the collision.
"Oh, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I should have been more careful. I didn’t hurt you, did I?" Fluttershy asked as she got back up.
"Don’t be silly, Fluttershy," the pink pony laughed. "If I was hurt, I wouldn’t be able to see Filthy’s new pet."
"New pet?" Fluttershy’s eyes widened as her friend bounced past her toward Mr. Rich's house. "Pinkie, don’t tell me you heard about the creature Mr. Rich found last night!"
Pinkie stopped bouncing and turned back around with a broad smile across her face. "Yeparooni, it all started this morning when I was going door-to-door asking everypony in town to participate in my fundraiser for the big Switcheroo this Thursday."
"A fundraiser? What kind of fundraiser?" Fluttershy asked, not sure how it related to Mr. Rich or the strange new animal.
"I’m glad you asked!" Pinkie pulled out a huge chalkboard, displaying a crudely drawn image of herself eating cupcakes. "I call it the Cupcake-A-Thon! I eat as many cupcakes as I can and ponies donate money for each one I eat."
Fluttershy nervously glanced back toward Mr. Rich's house. "That's nice. How many donators do you have so far?"
"You know, it’s funny. Filthy was the first one to even show any interest in my idea. Everypony else just started going on about going bankrupt and losing their homes. Pretty silly, huh?"
Fluttershy uneasily laughed at her friend’s remark.
"But it’s okay now!" Pinkie cheered. "I told Filthy about it, and he came up with an even better idea!" she flipped the chalkboard to the other side to show a bunch of well-organized graphs, tables, and charts on the other side. "He turned the whole thing into a guessing game. Now, for only three bits, ponies can guess how many cupcakes I can eat in five minutes, and the closest guesser wins a dozen dozen cupcakes."
"Oh…that’s a lot of cupcakes."
"Filthy said the average number of estimated participants would net us a conclusive gross profit that would far exceed that of my previously accumulated revenue, and all he asked for was twenty percent of the pie."
"And you understood him?" Fluttershy asked.
"Nope!" Pinkie cheerfully replied, leaving Fluttershy somewhat confused. "But I’m always willing to share some pie. Ooh, that reminds me, want some pie?" Pinkie offered a large pie to her friend that seemed to have come straight out of the oven. After holding it for barely two seconds, it turned Pinkie’s hoof bright red. "Ah! Hot! Hot!" Pinkie exclaimed, playing hot potato with herself until ultimately dropping the pie face-first into the grass, leaving a pink stain splattered across the grass. Pinkie sadly looked down at the minor tragedy before a smile jumped back onto her face as she laughed it off.
"What kind of pie was that?" Fluttershy asked, trying to get a closer look at the mysterious pink filling that was spilling out of the fallen pie. She didn't get to see it for long though, as Pinkie quickly consumed the entire thing right off the ground.
"It was pinkie pie, Fluttershy. What else would it be?" Pinkie responded with a mouth full of pie, pan, and dirt. Fluttershy didn't know how to respond to that statement, so she just hesitantly joined in her friend's overearnest laughter.
Pinkie spit out the empty pan. "Anyway, after he finished telling me about marketing techniques, he told me he had to go back inside before his daughter saw the new animal. I wanted to go with him to see it right away, but I had to return the chalkboard to the school."
"Then, why do you still have the chalkboard?" Fluttershy asked, pointing towards the green board.
Pinkie looked back at it herself. "Oopsie, must have forgot. Oh well, I can just do that later. I can’t wait to see Filthy’s new pet! You should come too, Fluttershy! I’ll bet it would just love you."
Fluttershy knew she couldn’t let that creature come into contact with Pinkie without any supervision. She had to make sure she didn’t do anything to scare it off. "O-okay," she replied meekly.
"Great!" Pinkie said, grabbing Fluttershy and dragging her along as she bounced towards the extravagant abode of Mr. Rich. "I just can't wait to see it, can you? What kind of animal do you think it is? A bunny? A cat? A bird? A monkey? A snake? A frog? A spoon? An ironing board? A bar of soap?" Pinkie continued listing animals, household objects, and whatever else came to mind until the two arrived back at Mr. Rich's front door.