//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle! // by defender2222 //------------------------------// Equestria was used to many strange and magical things; this was mainly due to the fact that it was situated on a rich deposit of magic buried deep in the bedrock of the planet. There were pegasi and unicorns and capricorns and griffons and dragons and whatever the hell Mrs. Cake slept with to produce her twins (because it sure wasn’t Mr. Cake that is for sure!). It had the gates of the underworld and alicorn goddesses and machines that could pick whole trees! Yes, it was quite a magical place and as a result many of those that knew of it became quite jaded when it came to magic. But there was one thing that didn’t exist in that magical word: annoying talking snowmen with mustaches that played the banjo. They didn’t exist mostly because the Creator wasn’t that cruel and would never create such a monster. Which is why it was weird when one suddenly stepped out of the Everfree and began to break the fourth wall like he was the love child of Pinkie Pie and Deadpool. “If I live to be 100 I‘ll never be able to forget the year Twilight Sparkle went insane.” The snowman paused, his unblinking, unseeing eyes (because they were made of coal and not living cells designed for seeing) staring at his audience before he reached out a hand to brush some snow from a tree (which was a bit disgusting… it would be like you finger-painting with blood). “Believe it or not the world almost came to an end that year and NOT because of some Mayan prophecy.” The audience, expecting a story that dealt with ponies and not some fat snowman, merely stared at him and wondered if this was some kind of cruel joke. The snowman, getting the wrong idea from the utter silence, took off his hat and bowed. “Oh, I’m sorry… call me Sam.” Clearly this was a strange creature, as his name was a name and not a series or random nouns strung together that JUST happened to describe his special talent (either ponies were psyche, lucky as heck, or cutie marks were Iron Will’s excrement). “What’s the matter… haven’t you ever seen a talking snowman before?” Sam asked, wiggling his fat bottom against the ground. Not waiting for the answer, he began to happily shuffle along the snowy forest floor like Jabba the Hutt in those Star Wars films where Greedo shot first. “Lovely place, this…uh… place. I call it Wigglesberg… I know the ponies that live here call it Equestria but I like Wigglesberg better.” The audience was now desperately praying that the author’s OC, Tydal, would show up and brutally murder Sam (unfortunately for the audience, at that moment Tydal was at his Keep having sex with his wife, so he wouldn’t be available to save them for at least another 4 chapters). “Ah, I love this Hearth’s Warmingly time of year…” Sam said, not realizing that the audience was praying for his slow, painful death (serious, Sam is so annoying… him and that mailman that talks about Santa Claus can burn in hell!), “especially when everything is running happy and smooth like it is this season. Nothing like that year when Twilight Sparkle embraced her heritage and became Nightmare Moon Jr. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t had…” Sam blinked. “Wait… could it be that some of you don’t know this story?” Of course they didn’t… the chapter had just been posted a few minutes ago… god, Sam is a moron. Of course, what do you expect when your brain is made of yellow snow? “Well, pull up an ice block and I will tell you the tale! It all started in a little town called Ponyville…” ~MC~MC~MC~ “Winter had come and within the next few months fall would arrive because, apparently, the seasons run backwards in Equestria. But their reversed ecosystem wasn’t on the mind of a particular unicorn pony who was, at that very moment, focused solely on the magic that is Hearth’s Warming Eve.” “No no no no no no no no no no no no!” Twilight exclaimed, running around the library like a crazy pony (which was different from how she normally ran about; then she was acting like a nutty pony). Behind her, caught in the glow of her magic, was a maelstrom of books, scrolls, letters, and quills. "This isn't good! This isn't good at all!" The cloud of research equipment only grew bigger with each passing moment, the magical aura absorbing anything that got in its way. "What I am going to do? What am I going to do?" Above the panicking unicorn, Owliscious and Peewee watched, their eyes bouncing back and forth like ping pong balls as they attempted to track the lavender pony's movements. /Wat we gonna do, Owlie?/ the baby phoenix chirped. Owliscious frowned. /Well, we could fly down there and attempt to help my power master and thus get sucked into the chaos that is Twilight Sparkle's life.../ Peewee grimaced. /Nuh-uh! No wanna do dat!/ /Neither do I, little one. That is why I suggest we ignore the path of valor and go the path of passing the buck./ The baby phoenix considered this before nodding happily. /You wan' me to get daddy?/ /Yes, I believe that would be the wisest idea./ /Okey dokey!/ Peewee flapped over to the basket his daddy was sleeping in and, after considering his options, pecked the dragon on the head. /Wake up wake up wake up wake up-/ Spike jolted away. "Ididn'tcomeinyaRarityIswear," he slurred. Shaking his head and trying to get the naughty images out of his head, the baby dragon looked up at the happy face of his pet bird, who was chirping and dancing along the baby dragon's skull. "Peewee, what is-" "Why why why why why!?!" Twilight screamed, the sound of her head slamming into a table echoing up to were Spike lay. "She's lost it, hasn't see?" Peewee nodded his head. "That's what, three days?" The baby dragon trotted over to his day calendar and double checked his notes. "Yup three days. Great, just great." Peewee chirped, hopping off of Spike's shoulder as the baby dragon stomped out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Things had only gotten worse in the main part of the library. Now an entire shelf was following Twilight, her magic reorganizing it so that all the books and scrolls were in alphabetical order. "Where did I leave that-" "Twilight!" Spike shouted. The loud exclamation startled the unicorn and she dropped the shelf with a bang, causing all the books and scrolls to rain down on them like one of the plagues of old (one of the lesser ones that they tend not to talk about). "Twilight... calm down." "I'm calm... I'm calm..." Twilight said, sounding anything but. "I mean, I am only utterly doomed so who is to worry... just doomed... doomed... DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEEDDDDD!" Spike rubbed his temples. "You couldn't have waited another 3 days to freak out again?" he muttered to himself. "Now I lost the betting pool and owe Rainbow Dash 3 bits." "Owe what now?" Twilight said. "Nothing!" Spike said with a smile. "I said nothing!" "Are you-" "NOTHING!" Spike shouted. He took a deep breath before reaching up and grabbing Twilight's head. "Now... do you remember that relaxation technique the princess taught you?" "O-of course!" Twilight said quickly. "I just haven't... well..." "Why don't we try it right now, ok?" Twilight hung her head. "Fine." She closed her eyes and intoned, "Celestia, grant me the strength to accept those problems I cannot solve, the willpower to fix those I can, and a liquor cabinet full of booze when I begin freaking out like a crazy mare." "You know, things in Equestria make a lot more sense now that we know Princess Celestia is a lush." "Yeah," Twilight said with a weak smile. "Thanks Spike... I feel better now." "Good... now why don't you lie down and tell me exactly what had you in a panic. Did somepony try to resurrect Nightmare Moon and end up creating a black filly by mistake?" "Uh, no," Twilight said lying down on the couch. "Is Pinkie murdering ponies and turning them into cupcakes." "No, and ew." Spike grabbed a brush and began to comb his friend's hair. "Did you discover a book that turns you into an anthro whenever you become aroused?" "...Spike, maybe you should be lying down... I think you are the one with problems." The baby dragon waved her off. "Ok, so those are the worst things I can think of... so why don't you tell me what is wrong?" Twilight sighed, her eyes half shut as she focused on the comb running through her mane. "I am just stressed about Hearth’s Warming Day." "Why would you be stressed about that? Hearth’s Warming is great! There is food and presents and laughs..." "... and planning and preparing and the stopping of near disasters!" Twilight whimpered. "It is like a hundred finals... but they've mutated into mutant zombie finals that hunt you down and want to feast on your happiness!" "Why is it when I bring up zombies you laugh?" Twilight ignored her friend. "There is just so much that needs to be done." The unicorn leapt away from her friend and, signaling the invisible music that always played whenever a pony wanted to express themselves in song (seriously, what is up with that?), Twilight began to sing. Twilight Give me snow Light up the trees! Deck every hall And wall you can see! Roast every nut mistle the toe This needs to be the best Hearth’s Warming Since the original! 20,000 years from now they’ll say: ‘The most successful Hearth’s Warming’ was TODAY!' Spike blinked as Twilight finished. She'd somehow managed to end up on top of the bookcase she had been carrying around and she had the same look on her face that Pinkie had whenever she sang her 'Zecora Song'. "Uh... that was great and all, Twilight, but don't you think you are putting too much pressure on yourself? I mean, why does this Hearth’s Warming Day need to be so wonderful, anyway? Why can't it be super or special or awesome?" "It needs to be all three, Spike! It needs to be Super special awesome!" Twilight flopped back onto the couch and groaned. "Spike, this is going to be my first Hearth’s Warming Day that I am hosting!" Spike mentally cursed. He'd completely forgotten that little detail and mentally scolded himself for the lapse. Had he remembered he could have arranged for some business in Canterlot and avoided Twilight until the holiday was WELL over... like in 3 to 4 months. That would have been a safe distance. Twilight sighed, taking out her photo album. "Every mare in my family has hosting a Hearth’s Warming Day celebration and each of them have been perfect." Twilight stared at a photo of a slightly plump lavender mare with white hair. "Like my Grandma Twilight Twinkle's parties..." "Why do I hear a harp and why is everything getting fuzzy?" Spike complained. ~Many Years Ago~ "Oh, look at this little cutie!" Twilight Twinkle cooed, pitching Twilight Sparkle's cheek. The foal merely stared at her grandmother, wondering who this large pony was and what was the acceptable action for her to take ('is it polite to soil one’s self in front of this old mare?' baby Twilight thought). "Let me pinch those little cheeks! You have your mommy's cheeks!" Twilight gurgled, scrunching up her nose as her grandmother did so. "Mom, can I talk to you?" Twilight Velvet called out. "Of course, my dear." Twinkle looked around before handing Twilight a dictionary that was lying around. "There you go, have fun with that!" The foal giggled and began to tear out the pages. ~MC~MC~MC~ Spike looked around in a panic. "How was I able to see that?" "See what?" Twilight said. "Your memory... that made no sense... I wasn't even born! And yet I saw it clear as day... what is happening to my brain?!?" Twilight ignored her assistant's panic attack. "And then there were the parties my mom threw..." "Aaaa! There is that harp again!" ~Not as many years ago...~ "Shining, could you ask your father to get me the potato peeler?" "Sure thing, mom!" the little colt said, trotting over to his father. Twilight tuned her family out, as she had more pressing matters... namely the new books she had gotten that morning for Hearth’s Warming Day. She giggled, flipping through the pages. "Well, look has her nose stuck in a book again." Grandma Twinkle asked, walking over to Twilight. "What are you reading?" "Algebwa!' Twilight said with a laugh. "See, da auth-or dinks that dis e-qua-tion is wight, but he fo'got to cawwt the thwee!" Twinkle smiled, pinching her grandfoal's cheek. "You are such a smart one." ~MC~MC~MC~ "Oh Celestia, I think I'm having a stroke," Spike moaned. Twilight, lost in her memories, paid him no heed. "And then, just last year, Shining had the Heaths Warming Day meal..." "Please don't!" Spike cried as the harp began to play again. "I think blood is coming out of my ears... no, wait, that is raspberry jam... WHY IS THERE RASBERRY JAM IN MY EARS!?!" ~Last Year~ "Shiny, this is amazing!" Twilight said in delight, looking around the ballroom of Canterlot Castle. As Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining had been able to pull a few strings and get the ballroom for his family's annual Hearth’s Warming Party. "I mean...wow!" "Aw, it's nothing," Shining said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Twilight!" Grandma Twinkle said, trotting up and pinching her cheeks. "You are just getting so big!" "You always say that!" Twilight said with a laugh. She reached for a cookie, only for Shining to taking it away and present her with a tin of her favorite treats. "BROWNIES!" "Yes... well, we figured just this once," Shining said as Twilight sunk her teeth into one. The entire family grimaced as Twilight's face began to contort and twist like it always did when she ate a brownie. ~MC~MC~MC~ Spike slowly pulled himself from where he had fallen, a puddle of jam under his scaly head. "Are... are the flashbacks over?" he whimpered. "What's that Spike? I wasn't paying attention. The baby dragon rolled his eyes. "So you are all panicky because you are hosting a party?" "It's not 'a party', Spike. It is Hearth’s Warming Day... the most important day for my family! It has to be perfect and that is why I am stressed out." "Isn't the point of a holiday to not stress out?" Twilight waved him off. "Now, I have a lot I need to do over the next few days! I need to go get some pots and pans from Applejack and check on the cake order I placed at Sugarcube... then I want to stop by and see if Rarity got my mom's gift done... and I can't forget to visit Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash! Oh, and then I-" The door slammed behind Twilight as she left Spike behind, her mind already a whirl as she trotted away. "Well... we're all going to die," Spike murmured. "Just like the llamas predicted."