“...Archer? Come back, man, I think I lost you.”
Archer let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. He sounded like an old pair of bellows. He snatched the Liquid Nerve out of the air, and took a good, long draw of it.
“I am trying very hard not to have an episode, Miss Inkwell. I want you to tell me, slowly.... In English, because I just know someone will walk in on us if we use Equestrian....”
“Fair enough,” was the human-tongued reply.
“Now, from the top. Why are you, a mild-mannered bookkeeper pony-” Inkwell snorted, “-offering to accompany me, an incredibly dangerous agent of espionage, possibly even sabotage-”
“Ok, first off, you are giving yourself way too much credit. Espionage? Seriously? Let’s not mince words here, buddy. You fell flank-backwards into Equestrian territory. The only reason you’re even alive right now is because Equestrians have this inborn capacity to forgive, to the point of utter stupidity.”
Archer slumped an inch or so lower in his chair.
“You are not the same lady I met yesterday morning.”
Inkwell made a noise somewhere between a groan and a resigned sigh.
“I’m beginning to doubt I ever was. Something’s... changed. Something about me is different, and it’s going to drive me insane if I don’t figure out what’s wrong.”
“So... what does this have to do with escaping?”
“It has everything to do with escaping! I was told to come here and find you by a letter - written in English. I divined your ‘malicious intent’ from the bottle’s label and the message from your king - both in English. Wouldn’t you know it, I have no idea how I learned this language in the first place!”
“So... what? You think your memory’s been altered?”
“I definitely think something is being hidden from me, and it’s horsefeathers of the highest order.”
“You still haven’t told me why you want to come with me.”
“I want to come with you because you’re the key to all of this! This potion you’ve been hiding-” she magicked it up from the table, “-is the kind notorious for inducing mental clarity and knocking loose memory charms. Someone told me to come here because they knew that, and pretty sure it’s no coincidence your king sent it here, either.” She huffed. “Man, I’m not normally this long-winded.”
“That’s a relief.”
Inkwell stared at him. Then she chuckled.
“Now, see, any other time, I would have gotten mad at that.”
Silence was all that passed between them for a while.
“This might sound weird, but I could really use some coffee. Do you...?
“Yeah. Coffee sounds good.”
***
“Oh, by the way, you’re buying. The Cakes cut me off.”
“Gosh, I wonder why. You’re such a well-mannered and self-disciplined individual.”
“Look, I hadn’t had a good breakfast in months. I can be forgiven for going a little crazy.”
Archer and Inkwell drew a few odd looks. It wasn’t every day, after all, that a pony and a weird two-legged thing walked down the road, chatting amicably in a seemingly demonic tongue.
“Archer, you ate so much you set a new Equestrian world record. ‘A little crazy’ doesn’t begin to cover it.”
“Well, try spending weeks at a time eating only what animals you can sneak up on and what plants you can remember from a wilderness survival course, and we’ll see how you do when you finally find civilization.”
“I imagine I would eat like a horse.”
“Yeah, you’d...” Archer stopped, replaying that last sentence in his head. “...Wait a minute, was that a pun?”
“I don’t know, was it?” Inkwell shot back, still walking.
“You’re not nearly as clever as you think you are, Inkwell. Not by half.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. This makes, what, twice today I’ve managed to completely blindside you?”
Archer sputtered.
“Ha! Make that three!”
Inkwell laughed and trotted away. The surrounding Equestrians had no idea what was being said between the two, but it didn’t take a philosopher to suss out that the human had gotten the short end of the conversation.
“...Not by half,” muttered Archer, as he finally remembered to start walking again.
***
“Ohh, no. I’m sorry, dearie, but I can’t sell anything else to that lunatic until he’s-”
“He has a name, Ms. Cake. And you’re not selling the coffee to him, you’re selling it to Inkwell, and she’s the least loony pony I know!”
“You know, Pinkie, we’re right here.”
Archer’s repeat appearance at Sugarcube Corner hadn’t gone over well at all with Mister and Missus Cake. The sight of the human struck a deep fear in them both for their bottom line. Mr. Cake, being the spindly thing he was, had fainted, leaving his better half to politely yet pointedly stonewall any attempts by Archer to glean a single drop of the life-giving beverage he sought.
And then Pinkie showed up, and now it was just a mess.
Finally, with much silliness, arguments, and a sum of money well over three times the normal cost of a Sugarcube XXL Espresso™, Pinkie and Inkwell convinced Ms. Cake to fork over a tray of cups full of the greatest addiction ever.
“So,” said Archer, as they sat down at a table by the window. “Now that we’ve got our drinks...” He switched to English. “Do you fancy talking about our secret escape plan out in the open, where everyone can hear us?”
Inkwell very briefly considered spit-taking on the spot. Then she remembered how much she’d paid, and the urge disappeared.
“Are you nuts?”
“Nope, just speaking code.”
Silence. Then a slightly unhinged laugh.
“You’d think I, of all ponies, would know when someone switched languages on me. I suppose that makes it Inkwell 3, Archer 1.”
“I’ll catch up eventually.”
“...So, what is the plan?”
“Leave at night, get to the forest, and walk in a straight line for two weeks.”
This time she really did spit out her coffee.
***
The conversation pulled itself back together after Archer and Inkwell finished being kicked out of Sugarcube Corner by a baker’s wife so indignant, not even Pinkie Pie could pacify her. They decided to take refuge on a bench next to a fountain, which served as a rather ostentatious centerpiece for the town square.
“Now, run that by me again. We’re going into the Everfree Forest at night? On purpose?”
“Well, I’d think it’s pretty simple. I walked out of the forest right before Rice Pudding-”
“Rainbow Dash.”
“Yeah, right after Rainbow Sherbet stomped the snot out of me.”
“Your point?”
“I came out of the Everfree Forest, and into Equestria. Now, I don’t know what lies on the other side of it, by Equestrian reckoning...”
“A mountain range, for future reference.”
“...But where I come from, it’s called Grogham’s Wood, and it goes right up to the walls of our newest city. By our reckoning, it extends all the way to the coast, and from there it’s nothing but ocean.”
“Well, someone has to be wrong, don’t you think? Last time I checked, the Swayback mountains didn’t have a chunk torn out of them to make way for a township. And I’m pretty sure Ponyville isn’t twenty feet underwater.”
“You’d think. But I’ve seen the beaches. I’ve fought Merfolk on them. So does someone have to be wrong?”
Inkwell pondered this.
“...No?”
“Is that your answer, or are you guessing?”
“I don’t know! Until today, I didn’t even remember there was a world outside Equestria to begin with!”
“Well, the answer is, they’re both right. In their own way, of course. It all depends on which route you take.” Seeing Inkwell’s confused expression, he felt the need to elaborate. “Look at it this way. If I stuck to the outskirts of Grogham’s Wood, I’d wind up at the beach. Get it?” She nodded uncertainly. “But apparently, if I take the short route, through the forest’s center, I wind up in the Everfree and eventually here. Which only makes sense.”
“How does that make sense? That makes the exact opposite of sense!”
“Well, that's assuming the journey and the destination are independent of each other, which is simply not the case.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Well, you can’t remember ever living outside of your nice, comfy, horse-filled bubble. All the roads here meet in ways mortals can understand, because mortals put them there. ...Equestrians are mortal, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, the world, by and large, wasn’t made by mortals. It twists and connects into itself in ways beyond our tiny comprehension. I don’t even think the dragons ever really figured it out, and their elders were flying the skies before humans or Equestrians had really gotten the hang of fire.”
“Our princess controls the sun. Try us.”
“Fair enough. What I’m trying to say is, geography is a chaotic and inexact science. That’s what makes my job so vital, and why defending or even defining a kingdom’s borders is such a nightmare. It’s also why we have to go through the Everfree Forest if we’re to stand any chance of escaping.”
Inkwell tapped a hoof to her chin, weighing her options. Side A of her brain proposed she forget about this whole dangerous mess, keep out of the forest, and shun anything human-related for the rest of forever. Side B insisted she indulge her curiosity and accompany Archer into the great unknown, in hopes of discovering her true past, and perhaps the identity of this “Higgs” fellow she remembered talking to.
As you might have guessed, B won in a landslide.
“Alright. I’ll start packing provisions. Are we leaving tonight?”
“Uhh.” Archer suddenly looked rather uncomfortable. “I wasn’t planning on leaving, like, right now.”
“Why not?”
“I, uh...”
“Archer, come on. You trust me enough to tell me exactly how you’re going to escape. The least you could do is tell me this.”
“Alright,” Archer sighed. “I don’t want to leave yet because... I promised Pinkie Pie we’d... work on her hovercart, tomorrow.”
Inkwell stared at him, dumbfounded.
“Pinkie Pie? As in, Pinkamena Diane Pie?” Archer nodded. “Did she make you Pinkie-swear?”
“Well, no...”
“Then you’re off the hook. She only really cares when people break those. She’ll probably be sad for five minutes, then forget you ever existed.”
“I’m not sure, Inkwell. I mean, I promised.”
“I swear, you loyal types.... Look,” she said, hopping down from the bench. “I’m shoving off for the human world. Tonight. You can either come with me and disappoint a total madpony that you’ll never see again, or you can stay in Ponyville and tinker with your toys while I blaze a trail through the Everfree by myself.” She started walking away. “I’ll come by the library tonight. If you don’t come down and meet me... well, I guess I’ll know your answer.”
She turned a corner and was gone, leaving Archer alone with his thoughts in the square.
***
"Hey. Dragon."
Spike woke up very slowly and very grumpily. But that was par for the course.
"Whuzzuh."
"Can you send this for me?"
"Sure, whurzit need't go."
"King Jove the Fifth."
"Arright."
FWOSH
"G'night."
***
Addressed to His Royal Majesty, King Jove V:
On The Subject Of Egression
I will be making an attempt at escaping Eqshana tonight.
I know I have not had much time to gather information on the Equestrians, but in its stead I bring something better. Accompanying me is a turncoat. They are well educated on all outstanding facets of Equestrian culture, and quite versed indeed in its language.
We will make haste for the portal between the kingdoms tonight. I fully expect we will emerge from Grogham’s Wood in no less than two weeks’ time. I shall send you my next letter upon our arrival in Ghomshire.
Your loyal subject,
“Archer”
***
The king sighed heavily, going over the letter again to ensure he hadn’t horribly misinterpreted its intent. Finding his initial appraisal of the situation to be correct, he turned to the mirror hanging in his private room.
“This could be a problem.”
The Equestrian princess in the mirror nodded.
“We shall take care of it. Personally, if need be.”
“Any idea who this ‘turncoat’ could be?”
“The one called Inkwell, no doubt. A mere linguist. She poses no threat, despite her abnormal origin.”
“And my man? What ‘threat’ does he pose?”
“None whatsoever. We’ve seen your race. Nocturnal, they’re not.”
“Don’t go thinking the darkness will dull him in any way. The night can make a marauder and thief out of anyone.”
The princess laughed. It was deep, wicked, and shadowy, quite unlike her sister. The King would never tell them this, but he much preferred Celestia’s company to hers.
“Thou speakest as if we could be even be touched by a mortal such as this. Hast thou such unfaith?”
“I’m just looking out for a friend of a friend. If you got hurt cleaning up after one of my messes, I don’t think Celestia would forgive me.”
Luna snorted.
“Since time immemorial, thy race’s kings hath judged me the lesser. I see a thousand years hath failed to impart any insight on the subject.”
“Luna, if I really thought Celestia could do it better, I’d have waited until morning. I know you’ll stop them quick, without any off-the-cuff reasoning or coercion like I know your sister’s prone to.”
“This is... not an inaccurate summation.”
“And I know you’ll do it right, without injuring either of them. Purposefully or otherwise.”
Luna glared at Jove through her side of the mirror.
“Dost thou presume to instruct us, like one of thine own subjects?”
“Not at all, Your Highness. Just remember what we agreed on.”
Luna huffed, and leaned back on her throne.
“The human and his cohort shall be recovered unharmed. The methods thereof are to be at our discretion. Dost thou dispute this?”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Very well. If your scout mentions anything pertaining to the moon, play along. End call!”
Luna’s image shimmered, rippled, and disappeared. Jove sighed.
“...Crazy bint.”
***
That night, a very familiar scene played out.
Two figures slipped out of the library’s doorway, making about as much noise as the Equestrian had made going in. That is to say, very little at all.
They made their way through the streets with little trouble. Anyone still out and about was assured Inkwell was up to nothing more than “showing Archer around”. In no time at all, they had left the town behind, moving quick over empty land illuminated only by the light of the moon.
Archer turned his gaze to the body in question, which hung, motionless, in the sky. He got the impression of a single monolithic eye, staring down at him and marking his every step.
He had no idea, as he ventured into the unknowable nocturnal danger of the Everfree, just how accurate that impression was.