Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps

by Good Christian Ethesto


Special eyes

One small hump for me. One giant tea bag for halo kind

It didn't take long to get to Ponyville, and by the time we arrived the sun was barely coming up over the horizon. Thankfully we didn't explode even once on the way. In my line of work, flying usually results in explosions. Whether you're flying in a bancheese or a halo helicopter, chances are you'll explode one way or another. It may be sad, but that's just the way things are. Speaking of sad; halo helicopters no longer seem to exist. That was always my favorite vehicle... Mainly because I could role play Arnold Schwarzenegger getting to it.

After flying low through the outskirts of town, we landed in front of some big tree. It was a pretty smooth landing considering we were in a flying wooden cart. After we all stepped out, Twilight turned and thanked the guards for the ride (in a non-sexual way). They just nodded in acknowledgement before flying away once again.

"So, what are we doing now?" I asked while looking around the town's streets. The buildings were all, for the most part, two story wooden structures with thatch roofs. They looked nice, in a simple kind of way, but I couldn't help but think how flammable they probably are. Someday I'll have to test that.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a lot of work to do if I want to catch up on all my dress orders." Stated Rarity. "I'll see you girls later. Oh, and you too, Halo man." With that said she turned and cantered down the still-empty cobblestone road.

"I need to feed my animal friends." Said my hat, just loud enough for us to hear. "Tell Spike thanks for taking care of them while we were in Canterlot." She flew off relatively slowly in the opposite direction of Rarity. Presumably to 'feed animals'.

Next on the mic was MC Rainbow Dash who opened her statement with a big over, exaggerated yawn. "I'll meet up with you guys later. I have today off from weather service since we were supposed to be in Canterlot for longer and I plan on using this time for some quality napping." Without waiting for a response, she bolted off towards some large cloud formation floating above the town. Come to think of it, that cloud formation looks kinda strange. Are those rainbow waterfalls? Maybe if I smear some of that on my face I can pretend, if just for a moment, that Bungie isn't a dick who didn't make rainbow visors a thing.

"Ah suppose ah should get goin' also. No doubt Big Mac'll be tryin' to do all the chores himself if ah'm not there ta help. See ya'll later." I turned to see an orange pony with a blonde mane and a coyboy hat trotting away. What the actual fuck? Where'd she come from? I don't remember ever seeing that pony in my life. Perhaps I really am going crazy... Though, I don't think crazy people narrate everything that happens in their heads like I do. At least, I hope they don't. Whatever. I'm sure that either magic or ancient aliens are entirely responsible for this, if not a mixture of the two. I find that they're responsible for almost everything that I can't explain. At least, I'd like to believe that that's the case.

I looked at what remained of our group. Only Twilight and Pinkie Pie were left. After a moment, Twilight answered my previously asked question. "We're going to get you checked in to your temporary home, but first I wanted to check on my assistant." While saying this she trotted over to the big tree. I looked at it and just now noticed that the tree not only had a door, but also like a dozen windows and a balcony. How did I not see that before? Apparently her assistant lives in a giant tree house.

"What, is your assistant Tarzan or something?" I questioned. Unfortunately Twilight didn't get my joke. Pinkie giggled a little bit, but she laughs at everything so it doesn't count.

"No. His name is Spike. Why would he be named 'Tarzan'?" She asked while pushing open the door.

I just grunted in response as I followed her into the building with Pinkie hot on my heals. The door was too short, so I had to duck down a bit to avoid smashing my head into the wall. Silly ponies building small doors...

"Spike! Spiiike!" Called Twilight as she walked towards the stairs to one side of the room. She was answered by a groggy sounding voice from upstairs.

"What is it Twilight? I was having a good dream."

"Was it the one where you and Rarity moved into an ice cream house together?" She questioned, knowing that that's the kind of thing he dreamed about on a regular basis.

"No. It was the one where we took a dip in the strawberry river." This was followed by a loud yawn that I could hear despite being in a separate room. "What is it anyway? It's like six in the morning." While saying that, the owner of the voice, and a little purple reptile walked through the door at the top of the stairs. Apparently that's Spike. I think I met him briefly at the victory parter after I defeated the changelings.

"I wanted to check in on you and make sure you've been doing your chores. Also we have a guest." Came Twilight's reply.

"You didn't need to wake me up to see if I did my chores..." He then turned his attention to me. I kind of stand out, being a tall purple being in a world full of small (sometimes also purple) ponies. His eyes lit up with recognition. "Hey Halo man."

"Sup?" I said back, laying on some extra cool cuz I'm the coolest (regardless of what Rainbow Dash says).

"Not much." He responded back with a shrug before looking back at Twilight. "Not much happened here. Weird stuff only seems to happen while you're around." Unbeknownst to Twilight, Pinkie was nodding in agreement behind her back.

"Well, alright then. I'm going to go get Halo man checked into his home while he's staying here."

Spike was already walking away by now, clearly not interested in taking part in any activities this early in the morning. I can't blame him. "Whatever, I'm going back to sleep." He called back.

With that all done, Twilight turned back to me and Pinkie Pie. "Okay. Let's head over to the Hay and Stay motel. Princess Celestia said she reserved you a room there. It's not too far away." I believe that last part was irrelevant considering the size of this town. Or rather, the lack of size.

"K, let's go." I said, gesturing for her to lead the way. Of course, instead of that, Pinkie rocketed out the front door with a loud 'weeeee' and ran off to parts unknown without even looking back to see if we were following. I decided a long time ago that there are some things I don't want to know the answer to. This was one of those things.

Twilight quickly composed herself, muttered something along the lines of 'don't question it Twilight, just act like nothing happened'. We went back out the front door and into the streets of Ponyville. It was still early, but it seemed several ponies had woken up in the past few minutes. There were a couple of them out and about in the streets, likely going to their jobs or something. I remember when I used to have a job... That was horrible...

We walked down the mane street, catching the attention of every pony we passed. Though there were only a few of them, they all stopped and gawked at me. Clearly they weren't in Canterlot to see me last time I was here... Oh well, I'm used to the stares by now considering how damn good looking I am. Even in that other world, I had to beat the bitches off with a stick. And it's not because I would lather myself in peanut butter before walking into an animal shelter.

Yeah

Yeah

When I walk on by ponies be lookin' like damn he fly. I hump to the beat, walkin' down the street with my halo feet. I'm a big huge troll, purple armor that's how I roll. I'm a halo with a lot a' hoes, I kill you and rub my crotch on your nose, yeah!

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

When I kill you a bunch, yeah, this is what you'll see, ok. None of the halos can tea-bag like me. I got legendary thighs and I aint afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.

You're butthurt and you know it.

You're butthurt and you know it.

Yeah

When I'm at the castle, I'm mean to the guards 'cuz I'm an asshole. And when I'm in my bed, sleepin' all night tryin' to rest my head. This is how I roll, punchin' all the fish their deaths my goal. We headed to the throne, but I doesn't afraid. Celestias my friend 'cuz I give her aid.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

Girl look at that halo.

H-h-h-I-hump you.

When I'm in Ponyville, yeah, QWOPin' down the street, ok. Everypony sits there gawking at my meat. My flies unzipped and I aint afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it.

I... Wait... Fuck! I quickly zipped up my fly, a blush spreading across my visor. Well that was embarrassing... Thankfully Twilight didn't seem to notice, so it wasn't too horribly awkward. This new armor that I have actually has a fly unlike the old suit. It's kinda weird but I imagine it makes it easier to go to the bathroom. You have no idea how hard it is trying to go to the bathroom while completely covered in armor. I shutter just thinking about it.

"We're here!" Twilight announced finally. I looked up to see what must have been the 'Hay and Stay' motel. It was a two story building with a style similar to the other homes around it, but it was a lot wider. It didn't look like much, but I decided that maybe the rooms might be nice. I'm not always pessimistic, just most of the time. We walked through the front door and up to a desk where a young looking pony was sitting in apparent boredom. As soon as he noticed us he stood up and fixed his gaze on me, clearly not sure what to do.

He had a white coat, making his red pimpled face stand out, and a short brown mane. We just stood there awkwardly for a few long moments, staring at each other, until Twilight decided to break the tension by clearing her throat. "Hello. I believe there is a room reserved for a Mr. Halo man. We're here for the key."

"Oh." He snapped to attention and looked at a clipboard on the desk. "Here it is, Halo man. Your rooms B-2, on the second floor. It says the time is indefinite. Just check here when you're done with the room." He said with all the voice cracks of a teenager. He handed me my key and I was on my way. It wasn't hard finding my room, considering there were only like ten rooms in the whole motel. Clearly Ponyville isn't a tourist hotspot.

I pushed the key into the lock and opened the door. Only for Pinkie Pie to suddenly jump out. "SURPRISE!" She shouted, but I wasn't phased in the slightest. Twilight, on the other hand, didn't see it coming and jumped like a startled cat. Even after a few seconds when she managed to regain her composure, the hair on her back was sticking up, again making her look like a startled cat.

"Were you surprised? Huh? Huh?!" Pinkie questioned while hopping around in excitement.

"Super nope!" I responded. I saw the yellow blip (ponies are non-hostile) on my motion detector long before I opened the door. "I saw that coming." Admittedly I had no idea who was in my room, I just knew someone was in there...

"Awwww." Pinkie looked momentarily sad that her attempt had failed, but that was gone in an instant and once again her face was plastered with an excited smile. "Did I surprise you Twilight?"

I think that was more or less a rhetorical question. I don't see how Twilight could have been any more surprised by that. If she had more cholesterol in her arteries, she likely would have even had a heart attack... She answered regardless. "Pinkie! Don't jump out like that! You scared the hay out of me!" I looked around, but didn't spot any hay nearby. I guess that's just a figure of speech.

Shrugging, I walked into my temporary home. It looked like your average motel room, though slightly smaller. Likely because it was made for little ponies. There were a pair of beds, a wooden desk, a tiny stool, and a lamp on the wall. The overall color scheme was dark green and tan, making the place look tacky. There was another door that lead into a small bathroom, and I could see a tiny pool outback through a window on the far wall. I think I'll avoid the pool lest I drown instantly in the five feet of water...

Twilight walked in behind me and examined the room. "It's... Alright..." She conceded. I walked over and examined the beds. I'd have to push them both together to sleep comfortably. I guess it'll do, I'm not super picky. Though I can't help but miss how nice the rooms were in the palace. "At least it's clean." She said after a moment.

I'll be the judge of that. "Do you have like a black-light spell or something?"

She looked at me in confusion for a moment. "I guess. Light spells are pretty simple." She concentrated for a second and her horn started glowing a dark purple color. Suddenly it illuminated all the things that couldn't truly be cleaned, and I gagged for a second. There were jizz stains literally everywhere... I looked up... Yep. Literally. Everywhere.

"Turn it off please."

She complied, seemingly confused. "What was that for?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I said while taking a seat on one of the beds. Perhaps I should just forget I saw that. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. After another awkward moment of silence, Twilight looked like she was getting uncomfortable.

"Ooookay. Now that you're settled in, I have some important quill shopping to do. It should take me a couple of hours. Bye." I just waved at her while she walked out the door. Hours for quill shopping? That girl must really like her some quills. Now it was just me and Pinkie Pie. She took a seat on the opposite bed from me, with a huge excited smile dominating all her features, and we just sat there. Staring at each other...

Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to months. Seasons came and went and we just sat there...

Ok, we didn't sit there that long. It was more likely only a few seconds. Finally I decided to break the tension as sitting there was getting boring. "What do you want to do?"

She put a hoof to a chin, as though in deep thought. That only lasted a fraction of a second before she apparently got an idea. "We can play a game!"

Alright, that doesn't sound so bad. "Sure, what game?"

"Ummm. How about hide and go seek!?" She squealed in excitement. Excitement is pretty much her default emotion, it would seem.

"K." She already looked like she was looking for a hiding place, so I went to a corner and started counting. Once I got up to fifty, I turned to look for her. "Ready or not, here I come!" Ok, this should be easy. My room is tiny and I didn't hear the door or windows open. I looked around the room briefly, not seeing her anywhere, before proceeding into the bathroom. She wasn't in the shower, toilet, or sink, so that pretty much covered the whole room. I walked back into the mane room, realizing I hadn't checked under the bed yet.

I looked under them both, but didn't find her. All I found was a weird stuffed Kiwi bird. It scared the shit outa' me. By this point I was thoroughly confused. I checked pretty much every available space in the tiny room. Then I remembered something important. I still have my promethean vision! I chuckled a bit as I remembered back to the first time I ever saw it.

One of the other Master Chiefs walked into the room carrying a big metal box. "Your power up just arrived."

I looked at the writing on the box. "1-800-Promethean-Vision? They can't have my power up! I have special eyes."

He put the box in front of me, forcing me to see the truth. "Look. Look with your special eyes!"

"My power up!" I exclaimed in joy as I realized it really was my power up.

I couldn't help but giggle a bit at the memory. It's one of the few good memories I have that doesn't involve murder. Of course, I later used that power up to help me further my cause of destroying all life in the universe, but that's a different story entirely. Activating my promethean vision, my sight turned blueish as I looked around the room. I could see a couple of red shapes that represented the ponies outside, but what I was interested in was the one inside my room. Somehow Pinkie Pie had squeezed herself into the drawer of the little desk. A space I didn't think large enough to hold a pony.

Yes! With this power I'll be a hide and seek god! Muahahaha! I trudged over to the desk and pulled it open, revealing a pink pony. "Gotcha!" I yelled triumphantly.

"Awwww. I thought that was a good spot. How'd you find me?" She said while somehow pulling herself out of the tight space.

"I have special eyes."