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// Rum Runners 
// Story: Dead Ponies Don't Wear Plaid 
// by JohnnyNorthrain 
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	The Equestrian Telephone Company or ETC had several phone booths set up around the city. The phone network was antiquated by any standard I’d ever seen. The technology must have slipped the barrier between the worlds and they were still trying to figure it out. There was a thing called a party line back when I was a kid. One ring was for the first floor apartment, two the second floor and so on. We would pick up the phone when it rang our number and talk to whomever was on the line. If you wanted to call out then you had to talk to an operator and they would connect the call. 
Bon Bon’s number was pretty much like a party line except that it was a very specific setup for the ETC operator. She had no problem connecting me but she hesitated when I gave her the number. I imagined the pause was from the complicated prefix. In a few seconds I was connected and the line was dialing. The other end picked up and I only said her name before something slammed into the phone booth and cut the line. I went down in a shower of metal and glass and slammed my head hard against the ground.
There was a lot of fog that I couldn’t sort through in the moments after I struck my head. Lyra had been shouting at someone or at me. There was a car with a dented bumper and a pony bit my pants and drug me out of the wrecked phone booth. Somepony went through my pockets and took my gun then they threw me and Lyra in to the back of the car after slipping hoods over our heads. They bound my hands and hog tied Lyra. The ride was anything but pleasant as we went around corner after corner. Even if I had known the city I’d still have little idea of where we ended up. Several times I tried to get a response out of my friend but she lay lifeless on the back seat. I could hear her breathing but that was a small comfort at the moment. 
After what I guessed had been an hour I was pulled out of the car and forced into a chair. The vehicle drove away with Lyra and a heavy sounding door was let down. The chamber echoed and there were several ponies inside talking low. The hood was ripped away from my head and I saw a pony straddling a chair made for a human and resting his front hooves on the back of it. He canted his head to the side and smiled in a way that reminded me of a salesman trying to gyp you out of your coin. He had a red mane with a white stripe. In the middle of his face was a hideous mustache and he wore a stupid striped vest. Another pony looking nearly identical to him stood at his side and both grinned at me while narrowing their green eyes. They were Unicorns and twins near as I could tell. I’d never seen two ponies look exactly the same. I spared a quick glance around the place and saw it was a warehouse with barrels stacked everywhere. Fifty yards in were more ponies talking and behind me another thirty yards away was the door that we’d come through in the car.  
“Well look at what we’ve got here brother of mine.” The clean shaven one spoke while gesturing with his hoof. “It’s a human that’s not in our employ. I bet we have a bottle of rum that he’d certainly enjoy.” 
“My dear brother I do believe you are right. Such a thirsty man without a drop of liquor in sight. I bet if we explain our little proposition, he’d sign right up and accept the offered position.” Mustache winked at his brother. 
“If you two are going to sing just shoot me now.” I grumbled.
“Very well we’ll dispense with the song and dance. If only you give our offer half a chance.” Clean shaven leaned up against his brother. 
“You hit the booth I’m in with a car. You have me dragged out of it and you kid… ponynap my partner and you want to make me an offer?” I raised a brow and winced at the pain in my head. 
“Well you’ve got opportunity in this fair community…” Mustache started saying. 
“No damned singing.” I interrupted him.
“Look it’s quite simple. There’s a thirst that can’t be slaked by any legal means. Ponies started tasting the liquor brought over by you human beings. Now they’ve got a hankering for alcohol and since it’s banned by royal decree that’s where you come in.” Clean shaven winked at me. 
“I don’t know how to make it.” I leaned my head back and testing the rope binding my wrists. It was damn tight. 
“That’s not what we need you for. You are a human and we employ the drifters of your kind that end up here. You’ve got something that ponies don’t have, Anonymity.”
“How the hell can a six foot human be anonymous in Equestria?” I laughed and shook my head then squinted from the pain. 
“You don’t have cutie marks. Most ponies can’t tell one of you from the other. You are also capable of shifting around the entire realm and disguising yourself in ways unimaginable to a pony. We use you as a mule… so to speak and you get paid by us. You’ll even get to sample the delicious concoctions that we’ve been distilling and brewing.” Mustache stood from the chair and unrolled a contract. 
“It’s an addiction to be sure but I’ve never seen ponies go absolutely crazy for something like this before. It’s no wonder that the Princess declared it illegal centuries ago. There’s a deep underground market for the booze and we want your help.”
“If I say no?” I lifted my arms and gestured to the rope with a nod of my head. 
“Well we tried to send representatives to talk to you before and you shot two of them. We are being as civil as we can about this. It’s not something you can refuse.” Clean shaven magically levitated a quill towards me. “Sign the contract and we’ll be business partners in rum running.” 
“Where’s Lyra?” I asked calmly my arms tensing against the bonds. 
“She’ll be returned to you upon accepting the offer. If you refuse… she’ll be returned to you in more than one piece.” Mustache smiled and leaned in pointing to the contract with his horn. 
“Fuck you.” I said as calmly as possible while rage boiled just under the surface.
“I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that. Flim have you ever heard that word before?”
“No Flam I haven’t.” 
They turned their attention away from me and looked at each other. That was the moment I had been waiting for. With wrists still bound I launched myself forward off the chair and slammed shoulder first into Mustache. He and I went down hard against the ground and I kicked out with my foot catching the side of his head. I heard a satisfying grunt come from him at my blow. Pushing myself up to my feet I was met by the chair being magically thrown by Clean shaven. It cracked into my side hard and sent me to a knee. I reached out and gripped a leg of the chair then swung with all my might towards Clean shaven. It caught him off guard and he let go with magic. The chair made a dent in his skull and it sent him to the floor of warehouse.  Before the other ponies could rush over I ran as fast as my feet would carry me towards the heavy door leading outside. My breathing was labored and my side and head ached like all hell. I only made it half of the distance before there was a gunshot that stopped me cold. My worn shoes skidded across the concrete floor of the warehouse as I stopped running. The bullet had struck my ear and taken a piece of it. Blood was flowing down the side of my face and I gritted my teeth from the pain. 
The shooter had been hiding behind a barrel near the large door and she approached with a cut down rifle in both hooves. The blue pony grinned as she bolted the short barreled rifle and ejected the smoking cartridge. The brass clanged off the cement and she approached with the rifle raised. Her violet eyes held none of the warmth or sexiness that Octavia possessed. She was demented and I waited for her to fire again. From behind me I heard the brothers get up and trot over. They stood at my back while the blue pony had my front.
“I see you’ve met our associate. Trick Shot Trixie. She’s the best markspony and our personal… what was the word that human used Flim?”
“Sniper I do believe it was Flam.” 
“Trixie is simply the greatest shot in Equestria. The first was a warning. You lost part of your ear, be thankful it was not your head.” She boasted with a smirk on her lips. 
“What do you say old pal of mine?” Clean Shaven stepped over to Trixie’s side levitated the contract. 
“No.” I grimaced behind clenched teeth. 
“Oh that’s a shame, really it is. Well there’s nothing left except being done in a dungeon.” Mustache snickered at his own bad pun. 
With Trixie’s rifle trained on me the choice was easy. I complied and they led me through a couple corridors away from the warehouse where we had our little chat. There was a cell constructed a long time ago for something bigger than I was. They locked me inside and I sat down against the wall. There was no furniture and the place stunk of old urine. I tentatively touched the spot where my ear had been and the nerves were on fire. The damage had not been as bad as I first feared. There was a section of the top missing but it was in a U shape. Just like when cattle had their ears docked. I wouldn’t have put it past Trixie to intentionally mark me this way. 
I let my bound hands rest in my lap while I leaned my head back against the brick wall and closed my eyes. I was captive to a group of rum runners with their own sniper. So far I’d not seen that type of accuracy in any pony and I suspected that she had used magic to aid her in the shot. The rifle itself was cut from a full length Enfield. She had not used her hooves to bolt the rifle and my attention had been focused on her face. 
For the second time in a year I nearly started crying. Not because of the missing chunk of ear but tears were nearly shed for my partner. She’d been hit hard the first time and I did not even see what had happened to her the second time. She was completely unresponsive in the car. They threatened to send her to me in pieces and that hit hard. She might be dead at the moment but I kept hope alive. I shouldn’t have stopped to make the damned call. I should have just taken her to a hotel or someplace where I had not been too distracted to notice the car until it ran into the phone booth. As it stood I was ready to kill every one of them for hurting her in the first place. Trixie had taken a perverse pleasure in shooting me. If she laid a hoof on Lyra I’d make sure that she ended up at the bottom of the river with the magazine of that Enfield emptied in her body. I scrubbed at my eyes with the back of my hands and steadied myself. There’d be time to feel sorrow later. Right now I needed to start working on a plan to get out of this cell. I needed to find Lyra and most of all I needed to break into one of those barrels. The liquor inside would be just the thing to dull the pain and give me enough courage to attempt hot blooded murder.