Captain J. T. Kirk leaned closer to the viewscreen of the Enterprise. “Can you. Up the magnification. Any more, Checkov?”
“Nyet, Captain, that is as far as it goes.”
Kirk scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Get me. Mr. Spock.”
The Vulcan tapped him on the shoulder. “I’m right here, behind you, Captain. It is only logical that I would also want to witness contact with a new species, as I have done so many times in the past.”
“Of course. You are. Mr. Spock.” Captain Kirk waved his arms jerkily at the viewscreen. “Tell. Me, Mr. Spock. What. Do. You see?”
“The dominant race appears to be Equine,” he replied. “The cultural level shows parallels with medieval Europe. I observe that there are Equines capable of flight, similar to the pegasi of Greek myth, as well as what appear to be Unicorns, similar to those of European myth. I note cultivated fields, and orchards, which the Equines appear to be tending, as well as herd animals such as cows and sheep which appear to be tended by the Equines as well. I see a couple of oxen pulling a wagon filled with anvils, for no apparent reasons, and I also see some donkeys.
“The land around the village appears quite varied, with steep mountains and hills, as well as a rather noxious looking swamp. Although it is difficult to tell with the screens set at their current magnification, there is a creature in the swamp which looks as if it might be a hydra, also from Greek myth. Also, there is a forest which an illogical being might describe as being creepy, as it is dank and has ruins in it.”
Kirk nodded. “Yes. That is. What I thought. As well. We should send. An. Away team.”
“Captain, we should observe and report, first. Although it appears peaceful, we have no way of knowing that the inhabitants are peaceful, nor do we know how they would react to a clearly superior race, or humans, for that matter.”
“Of course. Mr. Spock. That is why. I want to send. Ensigns Smith and Jones, and. Ensign Smith 2. To the noxious swamp. While I attempt to make. Contact with that attractive. Red, um, Equine. You, Mr. Spock. Will come with. Us.”
Unseen by Captain Kirk, Spock rolled his eyes.
In no time at all, the team was assembled in the transporter room. Captain Kirk gave the usual order: “Scotty, launch us!” and then they were on the surface of the planet, which fortunately had a breathable atmosphere.
Over the sound of distant screams, Kirk turned to Mr. Spock as he faced several wide-eyed ponies. “Go ahead, Mr. Spock. Introduce me. To the pretty. Red. One. I want. To see. If I can. Get Lucky.”
“I think you should know, Captain,” Spock whispered in his ear, “Based on physical structure, that the red Equine is almost certainly a male.”
Kirk looked back at the ponies, whose ears were twitching. “Well. Um. This is awkward. How about the. Brown one?”
“Captain, he has a penis. Also male.”
“I. See.”
“The one with the Steson hat appears to be female,” Spock offered.
Kirk strode forward. “I come. In peace.” He held out his hand.
“Ya know, we do speak yer language,” Applejack said flatly. “An we’ve got pretty good hearin.’”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac seconded.
“Pretty much heard all a that exchange.”
“Ah.” Kirk nodded wisely. “Well, then. No formalities. I guess. How about. It? Want to. Get lucky with. A. Spaceship. Captain?”
Even while clutching himself and groaning in agony, Kirk was still able to gasp out “Beam me to the sick bay, Scotty.”
“You might not appreciate this just now,” Spock said, “but I noticed that the three Equines all managed to turn and buck you simultaneously.”
A/N: I couldn't help myself. Written in half an hour, not proofread or edited in any way whatsoever.