Hey, have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and then humped until you PISSED BLOOD?!
And so we walked, following the big white pony princess into another room. But like adventures, so too must all walks eventually come to an end. It's regrettable just how short said walk was, but in the end, the memories will live on.
What the hell am I saying? I hate walking. Normally I sprint around everywhere.
Anyway, we eventually went into a small room with a large wooden table dominating most of the floor and took a seat around it. They even remembered a big ol' chair for me. Not that I'm fat or anything... There was also a platter of what looked like delicious pastries left over by the castle slaves. I was about to help myself to one, but by then it was already too late. Pinkie Pie had already devoured the lot of them. There was no mercy...
A solitary tear rolled down my visor as I thought of all the pastry children that would be forced to grow up without a parent now. Of course, I wiped it away before anyone could see.
As of yet, none of the ponies other than Celery had said anything. I recall them being quite talkative, especially Pinkie. Perhaps they just want to let the princess do the talking... Well screw that. If I'm gonna be spending time in pony world than I'm talking to colorful ponies! I decided to get this conversation underway in the only way I know how.
"So, what's up everybody?" Thankfully, the lot of them finally spoke up, giving me various 'hellos' and very literal descriptions of what is up. Even Luna said something! Once they were all done with that, I cleared my throat to let them know it was time to get down to business.
"Alright ponies. I think it's high time I get an explanation as to why you summoned me. I assume you want me to once again commit mass murder in your name. That's what I'm good at after all."
The two princesses shared a look, seemingly having a silent conversation, before turning back to me. Of course, Celery was the one who spoke. "Not exactly. I'll just start from the beginning. About two and a half months ago we started getting strange reports from all the nearby countries. Namely the gryphon empire and the various diamond dog warrens. Normally they each keep to themselves and are fairly peaceful, but there's been reports of skirmishes between them."
"Not just that, but government officials from the gryphon empire are going missing. We're estimating about two dozen disappearances so far. Because of this, they've all grown extremely paranoid and have begun fighting amongst themselves. We have gotten a few reports from Zebrica saying similar things are happening there and we can assume something is happening with the diamond dogs as well. The problem is we still have no idea who or what could be responsible for this and we can't simply move in to investigate ourselves unless they ask for our help. Going in uninvited would just cause more problems."
"Alright, that's all cool and all, but I fail to see how this involves me. If you expect me to go fight multiple armies by myself you're going to be sorely disappointed." Sure I've fought like a trillion zillion aliens, but I always had more guns and halos backing me up then. At the moment all I have is what I brought with me.
"No, no. Nothing like that." Celery assured. "We're afraid that whatever is affecting all those other countries will eventually move to Equestria. We've tightened security and done everything we could in that regard, but we want something to fall back on in case something happens."
"You certainly proved yourself useful the last time you were here." Pointed out Luna.
"And we'd like you to help with defense if the time comes." Finished Celery.
I gave them the best blank stare I could, but I quickly gave up since the visor ruined it. "So you brought me here to once again fight your battles?"
Celery gave an awkward smile at that, but was quick to correct me. "Hopefully we won't need you to fight any battles. We just brought you here hoping you could help us. If you don't want to, we can just send you back to your dimension."
Bull shit! They'll probably screw up again and send me to some random dimension full of hentai tentacle rape monsters. I've seen enough jokes about hentai to know that I don't want that. I looked around the room at the various ponies, all of which had hopeful looks on their faces. I can't possibly say 'no'. If I do they'll just turn the full fury of those huge soul-rending eyes on me. I don't think my old decrepit heart can take that...
I gave the best overdramatic sigh I could manage before answering. "I feel like I don't have much of a choice in the matter, but I'll help you."
"That's grea-" Began Celery, only to be interrupted by me.
"Under several conditions." I finished. Haha! Now I had them roped! No way they'll turn down me requests!
Celery thought about it for a second, then nodded. "Ok. What are your conditions?" Oh shit! I didn't think this far ahead. Ummmm, what could I demand from them? Oh, I know.
"First off, I don't want to stay in the castle."
"Ummmm... Why?" Asked Luna.
"Several reasons. For one, the design is horrible. Who thought it would be a good idea to build a castle on a solid cliff face. Not very smart if you ask me. I want to be somewhere else when this whole place inevitably collapses. It's also extremely boring here. Last time I was only here for like three days and already I wanted to rip my own face off in boredom by the time I left. Please don't make me rip my face off. Please don't."
"It's not boring." Argued Luna, but her sister hushed her by laying a hoof lightly on her back. They shared a glance for a few moments, before both grew huge smiles and turned back to me. Now I'm sure they speak telepathically...
"I think that can be arranged. I'll get the paperwork filled out and you can go to Ponyville with the girls tomorrow morning." Ponyville? Who names these places?
"Really?!" Asked Pinkie as she hopped up onto the table. "This is going to be so much fun! I can throw him a 'welcome to Ponyville' party. Then I can throw him a 'welcome to Ponyville party part 2'." Sweet, I don't even know what Ponyville is, but getting two parties? Sign me up!
"Ummm, not to be rude, but why Ponyville? Couldn't he just stay in Canterlot? It's closer to the castle, after all." Asked the always curious Twilight.
"Yes, but Ponyville is much more interesting." Argued Celery, only to get a deadpanned expression from her sister. "And if he's in Ponyville he can protect you if anything happens..." She added.
"Well that sounds like a gay ol' time, but there's actually something I wanted to do while I was at the castle." I got up out of my chair and was about to walk away when one of the ponies spoke up.
"What are you possibly going to do?" Questioned Luna. She just wants to question everything I do today now doesn't she? I turned and gave her the best answer known to man.
"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret now would it?" Check mate Luna!
"You never said it was a secret in the first place." She countered.
"Then consider yourself warned!" I countered back. My responses don't have to make sense, shut up!
Celery just rubbed the bridge of her snout in annoyance, not even caring to point out how badly I'm reflecting Luna's questions. "Do whatever you want... Do you need a guide around the castle?"
"Pssst. A guide? I know these halls like the back of my hand." What the hell does the back of my hand look like? "Halos never forget, Celery. Remember that." I said while turning away. I was halfway out the door when I realized my mistake. I turned around to see a slightly confused princess.
"Celery?" She asked.
You can do this Halo man. Just make something up. You're the best lier around! "Yes. Celery. That's your nickname because... You have green in your hair. Just like celery. I definitely didn't forget your name or anything... That would just be ridiculous." The blank stares I got from all the ponies told me that my lies were successful and that they were 100% convinced. "K. Bye!" I shouted as I practically sprinted out the door. I really dodged a bullet there.
I couldn't help but chuckle at my own cleverness as I walked down the hall. Her hair is green just like celery... Haha, stupid ponies will fall for anything. Thankfully I'm really smart, or that could have been really awkward. They even forgot that I said I have more conditions. Mainly because I haven't thought of any more yet.
I continued walking for a few minutes before I realized that I have no idea where the hell I am.
--
After literally three hours of wandering aimlessly and a whole lot of bad jokes, I finally made it to my destination. The dungeons! I had never actually been there before, so I pretty much just walked around until I found it. Once there, I found myself disappointed. I was expecting something more dreary and dungeonesque. This just looked like another tower on the castle. The only indication that this was the right place was the pair of guards outside the door and the little sign saying 'dungeon'.
I walked over and pushed the door open, I attempted to anyway. The door was locked and the guards quickly pulled out spears and pointed them at my neck. They didn't have those last time I was here...
"You're not allowed in there!" Said one in a gruff voice. "Only the princesses and guards are allowed in there."
I gently pushed the tip of his spear away with one finger while I contemplated exactly how to go through with this. Finally, I got a really good idea. "I am a princess." I stated calmly. "Now let me in."
He didn't even laugh, he just stared at me like I was retarded. That look hurt more than any spear ever could... "You're not a princess."
"If I'm not a princess, then how come I'm so damn sexy?" I asked. My logic is impeccable.
The guard looked me up and down before shaking his head. "You're not." Oh like he knows anything about what's sexy? I am the epitome of sexy. When you look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary, there's a picture of me there. Actually, that's probably not true, but you get the point.
Seeing that my tactics thus far have been less than successful, I decided to take a different approach. "Were you here four months ago?" I asked.
This time, the other guard answered. "Yeah, you killed all those changelings. Almost everypony in Canterlot saw it."
I nodded, glad that he recognized my splendor, even if my armor is slightly different. "Good, so you can imagine what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me through these doors. Namely, I'm going to disembowel you." I threatened. He gulped shakily, but the other guard held his fearless gaze.
"Are you threatening a royal guard?" He asked as though it wasn't completely obvious.
"I prefer to think of it like a free forchain telling. Not that I wish to imply that I'm a gypsy or a psychic. I would never stoop so low."
He continued giving me a stupid look with his stupid face. Finally he decided to flap his stupid mouth. "You're not allowed in here. I suggest that you leave before I get my superiors and you wind up in a cell of-" He was cut off as I smacked him across the jaw. He instantly fell to the ground, clutching his face in pain. Perhaps I smacked too hard.
I turned to the other guard who was now poking me repeatedly in the side of the head with his spear. "You want a fat lip too string bean?" Instead of answering he continued to poke me, so I slapped the spear away. "Now can you open the door?" Sadly, he seemed intent on not being cooperative, and instead of opening the door he ran off. Probably to get more guards...
"Whatever! I didn't need you anyways!" I called after him before turning to the large wooden door in front of me. Like I give a shit about locks. I eat locks for breakfast. Dreadlocks! Actually no, that would be really gross. "Super halo kick!" I yelled out as I pulled my leg back and slammed it forward into the door with all my might. It budged slightly, but surprisingly held.
I remained in that position for a few seconds afterward, with my foot firmly pressed against the door. You have no idea how much that hurt... I pulled my foot away slowly as an entirely manly tear rolled down my visor. ENTIRELY manly, I assure you. "Ouch..."
Less than a minute later I was fully recovered, and I wanted payback. That door hurt me in ways no door has ever hurt me before. I pulled my DMR (Dick Melting Rifle) off my back and pointed it at the lock. "Eat led mother fucker!" I fired a bullet into the door's lock, resulting in a loud clanging as the bullet shredded through the metal.
A second kick was all it took to finally get that sucker open, and I merrily waltzed inside. I walked around a little bit, looking for a specific room. Thankfully, the place wasn't very big and only one room seemed to be occupied. At least, only one actually had a guard near it. I couldn't really tell since you can't actually see into any of the cells unless you get really close and look through the tiny window on the wooden doors.
"Yo." I said as I got close, getting the guard's attention. "Who's in this cell?"
"Ugh... Chrysalis, sir." He responded back shakily.
"Well open it up!" I demanded.
He looked around hesitantly for a few seconds before answering. "I'm not supposed to let anypony in except the princesses..."
These guards really don't want me here... Unfortunately for them, I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I grabbed the breastplate of his armor and hefted him up into the air so he was staring into my visor. "I AM A PRINCESS!" I yelled at him.
"O-ok!" He yelled back, obviously not wanting to tempt my wrath. Smart move. As soon as I dropped him he used his pony magic to open the door before stepping aside. "Be careful though, she's really dangerous!" He warned.
"Pshhh. I doesn't afraid of anything." I said while pulling the door open and walking inside. Inside was a small stone room with a pile of hay in one corner and a small flickering light bulb on the ceiling. My eyes were instantly drawn to the large black shape in the middle of the floor.
It wasn't hard to tell that it was Chrysalis, just she looked extremely skinny compared to last time I saw her. She was laying on her back with her wings splayed to the sides and her legs sticking straight up. Her eyes stared unblinkingly at the far wall and her mouth hung open with her tongue poking out the side. The only indication that she was even alive was the small rising and falling of her chest as she breathed.
I decided to break the ice with a joke. Jokes are always appropriate. "I see that new diet is working good for you. You've lost a lot of weight." The only indication that she even heard me was a slight twitch of her back leg. I looked over and saw a pile of trays filled with what looked like grass on them. None of them were touched, however, and they looked like they had been there for a long time. Clearly she doesn't like grass.
Come to think of it, I've never tasted grass. I reached down and selected a nice juicy piece before shoving it into my visor. Sweet Bungie that tastes like shit! I spat it back out through my visor, but the taste still lingered on my tongue. "I see why you don't like that." Once again she didn't say anything.
I poked her a few times with my foot, but I couldn't garner any reaction. "Alright, I see how it is. You're still mad about the whole 'defeating you and your army and getting you locked in this shitty dungeon' thing. Whatever, that's fine. I'll just leave." I turned and walked out.
The guard wasn't there when I left. He probably went to tell on me like that other guard. Like I even give a shit about guards. Now then, time to go back to my room and get a good nights sleep.