//------------------------------// // Playing Discord's Advocate // Story: Sympathy for Discord // by Pony Bones //------------------------------// “I stuck around Canterlot when I saw it was time for the Changelings, disabled Celestia and the mane six, Princess Cadence screamed in vain. I rode a windigo held a Commander’s rank when the famine raged and the ponies froze. Pleased to meet you hope you guess my name, ah what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.” Let’s just assume for a second that you can trust anything that I say, trust me when I tell you to row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream, which is why ponies are so afraid of waking up. At least that’s what Nurse Red Heart told me when I brought myself into existence, who else can claim they pulled themselves out of a hat? The only thing I can compare it to is George Thoroughbred’s Bad to the Pony Bones. My first words were, “HELOOOOOOOOOO NURSE RED HEART!” then she slapped me so hard I forgot what I was supposed to be and decided a draconequus wouldn’t be so bad. The only sad thing was after she slapped me she remembered she wasn’t supposed to exist for another twenty millennia but I promise you I never washed my face since. I bet your still trying to find out if there’s some deeper meaning to all this, I’ll never tell, but by the time you figure it out your brain will be so tied in knots you’ll be able to give a class at Navy boot camp! Actually based off of that and the fact that a story is a partial reflection of its author I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Pony Bones has one or two psychological issues, it’s a good thing nopony takes him seriously… I hope. You’d like him though, he’s real friendly especially when I draw cutie marks on his forehead after he falls asleep at the keyboard. As backwards as it sounds My Little Pony may be the only thing keeping him sane at this point. For today’s story, did I ever tell you about when I stood trial for loitering at Carousel Boutique, I don’t see what the big deal was I was just admiring Rairity’s hoofwork she’s practically the only unicorn that takes pride in what she does anymore. She said the store was open to paying customers only so when I asked her to make a suit for the ridiculously good price of a year’s worth of tapioca she refused and turned me in to the Royal Guard can you believe that? The most generous pony in Equestria denies a customer with good tapioca and then claps him in irons. Get this though the best part was my defense attorney was none other than Twilight Sparkle the very pony responsible for sealing me in stone! Woohoohoohoo, you should have seen her cerebrum fry when she heard that she would be defending me, come on now you can’t tell me that’s not funny. She pretends that she’s better than me but really we’re not that much different, all you have to do is spend a day in Ponyville and you have a seventy five percent chance of the town burning down as a result of her “friendship studies.” The only difference is her “studies” are “sanctioned” by her Royal Highness Princess Celestia. Noticed how I used my fingers to emphasize the quotation marks, that’s so you know I’m being sarcastic! Wait you can’t notice because I’m eating the alphabet soup I used to put this story together. I wouldn’t be so hungry if I wasn’t sealed in stone! I’m not complaining though, with features as chiseled as mine who would? Where was I? Oh yes, the trial couldn’t have gone any better, “The verdict is guilty off with my head!” Twilight looked like she was at the end of her rope it was priceless, sighing heavily, rolling her eyes and facehoofing, “Discord, Princess Celestia hasn’t even entered the courtroom yet.” “Oh.” I took the time to buzz my lips while I flicked them with my fingers, I love doing that! “It’s a good thing I have you as my defense attorney to remind me of all this.” “The death penalty isn’t even legal by Equestrian law; the worst penalty is eternal banishment.” “How would you know, are you immortal?” It’s hysterical how she can give me such a condescending look, if she only knew, she was correct that the death penalty is illegal but Nightmare Moon’s sentence of banishment was “eternal” and you all know how that turned out. The Equestrian definition of eternal banishment only applies to mortal ponies. “All rise for the honorable Princess Celestia!” Shining Armor barked out with his best commander’s voice. Celestia looked as though she was in pain as she sighed, “Be seated, the prosecution will state it’s case.” “Your maaajesty, may I first say thaaaank you for hearing my case.” “You may.” Celestia said rubbing her forhead, Throwing my voice and raising the tone a little bit I stated the obvious, “Coughkiss up.” Princess Celestia fixed me with her death glare trust me you never want to be on the receiving end of those. I pointed at my defense, what else was she there for anyways? “Twilight did it!” “What, no I didn’t!” “Did too!” I replied sticking my tongue out “But I heard you.” “ORDER IN THE COURT!” Celestia shouted smashing her hoof down on the podium I had to peel my face from the wall it had been plastered to as a result of the blast of air that had rattled the windows in their frames, I pride myself at bringing out the best in Princess Celestia. “The prosecution will continue with its accusations!” Rarity looked as though she had just witnessed Prince Blue Blood apply for a job at Sweet Apple Acres, but straightening her mane she continued, this time cutting to the chase sensing Celestia’s irritation with the case. “Your majesty, the defendant refused to leave my Boutique and when I politely asked him to vacate he coated the place with tapioca!” “Does the Prosecution wish to say anything else at this time?” Celestia asked in a tone that obviously said loaded question, BANG! “No Your majesty.” Rarity said shaking her head for emphasis, “I may regret asking but does the defendant have a statement?” “Yes your majesty I’ve have prepared this statement especially for the occasion, twinkle, twinkle little Twilight with your adorable pink and purple highlight. Up above Equestria you fly like a freeway in the sky.” “The defendant will control himself or he will be found in contempt of court.” I just love it when Celestia uses the Royal Canterlot voice, it gives me shivers and reminds me of the good old days. “Begging your pardon your majesty but what does that even mean?” “THAT’S IT, I’M THROWING THIS CASE OUT! Loitering, honestly Rarity what are you a newborn filly? AND YOU DISCORD for living as long as you have you should know better! Your sentence will be cleaning up the tapioca in addition to thirty days hard labor at Carousel Boutique!” “I don’t know why you’re so upset it was an honest question.” It really was, didn’t she see my puppy eyes? The puppy eyes always used to work on Celestia, talk about a buzz kill. Oh well the sentence wasn’t that harsh, it was practically legalized loitering anyways, and the best part was I got to spend thirty days with the resident voted most beautiful mare in Ponyville, hey I just met you and this is crazy but here’s my number so call me maybe! Rarity looked as though she was about to spontaneously combust… twice, so I decided to push her over the edge. “Well darling looks like it’s just you and me for the next seven hundred twenty hours.” “Of all the things to happen, this is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!” Rarity said collapsing into her chair. I was about to leave the courtroom when Twilight stopped me, “Discord wait, what about my payment!?” “Oh yeah.” Picking Twilight up and sweeping her down in a sloppy wet kiss, “Stay beautiful sweetheart.” Hey I don’t have any bits and stallions don’t ever tell Twilight how charming she is, the cowards. It was probably the best thing I could do for her, probably... The way Twilight locked up at first I thought I had turned her into stone, then her face light up brighter than the time she chugged that bottle of hot sauce, I mean I was five seconds away from grilling a hotdog on her horn, and I went straight back to court after my first sentence was up. Breaking bricks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won! I caught her checking me out while Rarity had me digging for jewels though, she said she was just building her case against me but her face said otherwise. No doubt hoping Celestia would put me to work in her library. I can see it now, “Oh Discord, could you put this heaaaavy book on the top shelf for me? I can’t reach that high.” “Anything for you doll.” So I’ll just wait until you scrub that semi disturbing image from your head, you good? Ok. I gave up trying to be an “upstanding citizen” of Equestria long ago, now I’m just a victim of my reputation. That doesn’t mean I’m not civil, just unorthodox, yet apparently it’s enough to condemn me. So I figure why not make a game out of it? By the way Pony Bones wound up thanking me for posting those pictures on Facebook, his sister got him a pony doll for Hearth’s Warming Eve. I would say it turned out better than planned, but how was I supposed to know what would happen?