“No... no, no... no, no, no... no, no, no, no... no, no, no, no, no...”
“I don’t think that’s going to do anythin’, sugar,” Applejack said breathlessly.
“Can you imagine the scandal? Princess Celestia’s personal student, getting drunk and marrying somepony they weren’t even seeing!”
"And what's mah family gonna think? Oh, they are so against divorce, what if they don't let us split up?"
"Relax, that's not going to be a problem."
"How can you say that?"
"Well..."
Twilight's reassurances were interrupted by her front door opening. "Twilight? Applejack? Rarity?" Rainbow Dash called out.
"Come out, sillies!" Pinkie Pie chirped.
The two ponies froze. They looked at each other with horror.
"Quick, take off the rings and hide the certificate!" Twilight ordered.
Applejack immediately complied, or she tried to. She stepped on the band with her unbound forehoof, trying to push it off, but to no avail. "Mine's stuck!"
Twilight lit up her magic to levitate the ring off, to no avail. She increased her efforts, and immediately regretted it. As it turned out, trying to use magic after a long night of drinking caused extreme headaches.
"Ahhhh, ahhh," she moaned, putting a hoof to the side of her head.
"Um, I think I heard something upstairs," Fluttershy said meekly.
"Aw shoot," Applejack moaned. She quickly ran to Twilight. "Come on, we gotta get these rings off!"
"Wait, what are you..."
Applejack brought her teeth down onto Twilight's ring and began to pull.
"Ah, Applejack!" Twilight shouted. "Quit it, you’re too rough! Be gentle! Be..."
Then the bedroom door opened. "Hey, Twilight, are you in..."
Pinkie trailed off. The three ponies just gaped.
Twilight and Applejack froze.
"...Thus isn't whut it luhks luike," Applejack said, with Twilight's horn still in her mouth.
There were two simultaneous thumps as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie hit the floor on either side of Fluttershy, bursting out laughing. Fluttershy herself looked more embarrassed than anything.
"She was just trying to help me get this ring off!" Twilight snapped, turning beet red.
The laughter lasted another ten seconds before the cyan pegasus found the breath to speak. "Well... why... why are you wearing a ring?"
"No reason," both of the accused said far too quickly.
"What's the piece of paper by Twilight?" she asked, pointing.
Said unicorn immediately levitated the marriage certificate behind her. "Unimportant."
"Nuthin'," Applejack offered.
"Then let me see it," Rainbow Dash grinned sinisterly, slowly flapping herself forward.
"No," the both said, quickly but firmly.
The pegasus charged forward. Twilight tried summoning a spell and was reminded of her hangover. As she gripped her head, Rainbow Dash snatched the certificate and flew back to the others, narrowly missing Applejack's attempts to tackle her.
There was a pause as the three out-of-the-loop ponies read the marriage certificate while the two victims held their breath.
The three looked at them with blank, emotionless faces.
Then there was a thud as, once again, Rainbow Dash got acquainted with the floor. This time, Fluttershy looked amused, though she was trying to hide it. Pinkie, however...
"Nuh-uh! You guys got married this quick! Do you know how many parties we have to have now! The engagement party, the bachelorette party, the reception... I hope the Cakes can rent out Sugarcube Corner for nine hours straight."
"Will ya'll knock it off!" Applejack demanded.
What Rainbow Dash said next proved she was a true friend. "I am never, ever going to let the two of you live this down!"
"And the invitations! Ooh! We'll have the princesses come down and..."
Now beet red, Twilight spoke. "No! Don't get used to this! We are going down to City Hall and..."
"Ooh! Ooh! Look at this!" Pinkie exclaimed. At some point she had caught her breath and looked around the room. She was now balancing a black video tape on her nose. "It says, 'Your Wedding'!"
"Whoever married us must have videotaped it!"
"...Videotape?" Applejack asked.
They all looked at the cowpony. "Yeah, you know, recorded it so we can watch it on a television?" Twilight asked slowly.
"...Television?"
"You know, you have one in the living room of your house!" the unicorn exclaimed
"...Sweet Celestia, I do! But still, it's almost like that kind of fancy doodads never existed before now!"
"...How much did you drink last night?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Considerin' the situation, obviously too much."
"Well, come on, let's watch it!" Pinkie said, skipping down to Twilight's living room to use her VCR.
"Now, hold on a..." Applejack began, but Twilight stopped her.
"We need to see what kind of irresponsible priest would marry two ponies who were drunk. I can report whoever it is to Princess Celestia... if I can get past the embarrassment of all this," she moaned, following the others.
A short while later the group was in Twilight living room, with Pinkie having already popped the tape in and hit play.
Onscreen, they were in a flashy steeple, with tacky-colored walls. A pink unicorn mare in black robes spoke to Twilight and Applejack, who were both staggering a bit. Looking at the happy couple, the priest spoke.
"We have gathered here today at the Las Pegasus Two-Minute Wedding Chapel to...”
"Wait, wait," Twilight panicked, speaking over the video. "Did we teleport to Las Pegasus?"
The other ponies looked at her with genuine concern. The panic in her voice sounded immense. "Would that be bad?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"The first thing Princess Celestia did when teaching me about teleportation was to pin me against a wall and tell me to never, ever teleport while drunk. Do you know how much can go wrong? We could have ended up with parts of ourselves being left behind!"
The others gasped. Fluttershy paused the tape. "Um... should we take you two to a hospital?"
Twilight sighed. "No, no... if we had hurt ourselves doing it, there'd be no question. I'm just... freaked out we did it. Twice apparently."
There was a moment of silence. "Soo... you're okay?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight nodded.
"Good!" And she hit play again.
"Do you, Twilight, take Applejack to be your lawful wedded wife?"
"I do," the unicorn answered, the words slurred.
"And do you, Applejack, take Twilight to be your lawful wedded wife?"
"What?"
"Do you wish to join Twilight Sparkle in marital bliss?"
"...What?"
"She's asking if you want to wake up next to this every morning," Twilight said, wiggling her flank a little.
Nothing could be heard over Rainbow Dash and Pinkie's laughing, which is why it was fortuitous that the Applejack on the video tape only leered at said flank for a few moments.
"Y-yeah," Applejack finally said.
"Excellent! I now present the rings!"
With a glow of her horn, the priest levitated the rings above her self. Twilight stuck out her neck, Applejack a hoof, and the appropriately sized jewelry secured itself. The metal seemed to shimmer a bit as it settled.
"And now, by the power invested in me by the kingdom of Equestria, I now pronounce you mare and mare! You may now kiss each other!"
And they did. Passionately.
"That's it," the priest said with a lecherous smile. "That's it. Let the tongues dance."
By this point, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie were on the ground, laughing like hyenas. Only the fact that she was the Element of Kindness was stopping Fluttershy from joining in, and even then she was barely keeping her own laughing in. Twilight and Applejack just looked at each other, then looked away in complete embarrassment.
Finally, the two newly married mares broke away. "Let's head back to my place," Twilight said seductively, walking ahead of the cowpony.
"Aw yeah," Applejack said, giving Twilight's flank a playful smack. "I'll show you just how well this cowpony can ride."
Twilight decided at that moment to work through any pain and cast an invisibility spell on herself. Applejack, who would have given anything to be able to do the same, just hid under her hat the best she could.
No sound came out of Rainbow Dash or Pinkie this time. After all, air had to be present in the lungs for that to happen. Fluttershy, meanwhile, finally gave up and was on the ground as well, giggling.
The video tape jumped to a new scene, of them on a chariot flying through the air. The two ponies were too busy having a kissing contest to see the sights.
The scene jumped to the two of them being carried in by the pegasi who had been pulling their chariots. Carefully, they were tucked into Twilight's bed, unconscious. "Leave the tape on the table there," one of them pegasus said. Then the screen went black.
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, at least we didn't..." she trailed off. This, of course, was another invitation for Rainbow Dash and Pinkie to burst out laughing.
"Alright, that's enough," Applejack yelled, but this did nothing to stop the laughter. "Y'all best knock it off!"
"Aww, heh heh, but we're just enjoying our two best friends joining each other in... in..." And Rainbow Dash burst out laughing again.
"Yeah, well, like I said, don't get used to it. This marriage is illegal."
That actually caused the other ponies to look at Twilight confused.
"What 'cha talkin' 'bout, Twi? Gay marriage has been legal in Equestria for three hundred years. Lyra & Bon-Bon have..."
"Not that," Twilight explained. "To be married, we had to sign a marriage certificate. Legally, that's a contract. And a contract is invalid if it's signed drunk. All we have to do is go down to City Hall and get this annulled.
"But... my family don't believe in divorce..." Applejack said sadly.
"It's not divorce. That's ending a marriage. Technically, this marriage never even started. It'll be like it never happened."
"Except, you know, the fact that I'm always going to rib you about it," Rainbow Dash said playfully, caring little for the glares she got.
"Listen you," Applejack said angrily, "you best keep this between us, ya hear?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Rainbow Dash said defensively, putting her hooves up. "Of course I will. Relax."
"Pinkie Promise," the pink earth pony said, performing her trademark pledge.
"Of course. Um, can I tell Rarity?" Fluttershy asked.
Applejack sighed. "I guess," she muttered. Then she paused. "Where the hay is Rarity anyway?"
Pinkie and the two pegasi suddenly looked awkward. “Um, we were hoping you knew. We haven’t seen her since last night.”
“Oh my gosh!” Twilight gasped.
“I remember me and Big Mac talking to her last night,” Pinkie said, “but that’s it.”
Suddenly Applejack tensed up. “What does mah brother think about me bein’ gone?”
“Oh, he was still asleep when we left!” the pink earth pony chirped.
“Big Mac?” Granny Smith called, opening his bedroom door. “Are you goin’ to stay in bed all...”
The eldest Apple stopped. Her grandson was currently tied to his bed, a hoof at each bedpost. But that was nothing compared to the fact that he was painted bright pink, with red hearts and yellow smiling faces all over him, topped with what looked like a roll of socks stuffed into his mouth.
“Mmmmmmpfh! Mmmmmmpfh!”
Granny stood there with a neutral expression. Then she slowly backed away.
“Well, keep this under wraps, hear?”
“Pinkie Promise!” the earth pony agreed.
Twilight sighed. “Well, I doubt Rarity’s gotten herself in any serious trouble. She said she wasn’t getting drunk, she probably just went back to her Boutique sometime.”
“Good, now let’s get down to the Mayor’s office and get this thing over with,” Applejack declared.
“Not until we get these rings off,” Twilight said, summoning her magic again. It encased her wife’s band, and she began tugging fiercely, her headaches now less intense.
“Hey! Ow! Easy, Twi!” Applejack moaned, pulling away to try and help the process. “It ain’t comin off!”
“Oh, move,” Rainbow Dash said, pushing Twilight aside. She roughly wrapped a foreleg around the cowpony’s band and pulled with all her strength.
“Ow! Dash! Quit it, that hurts!”
“Aw, quit whining, I can get it off!” the brash pegasus declared, pulling harder.
“Actually, I don’t think you can,” Twilight interrupted, causing the stop. “Let me see that.”
She leaned in to the band and lit up her horn. As she did, the gold shimmered, and strange symbols appeared all over the surface.
“Oh no,” the unicorn cringed as the symbols disappeared. “These rings are enchanted! Whoever put them on us made sure they couldn’t be taken off!”
“What!” Applejack yelled.
“Oh my,” Fluttershy said.
“No way!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“...Hahahahahahahaha!” Rainbow Dash laughed, back on the ground.
“This ain’t funny!” Applejack yelled. Then turned back to Twilight. “Can ya get ‘em off?”
“Yes,” Twilight confirmed, “but it will take time. We’re just going to have to wear them until I can get them off.”
“...Hahahahahahahaha!” Rainbow Dash laughed.
Ignoring her friend, Applejack sighed. “We’ll just say the rings are a fashion choice.”
The cyan pegasus finally finished laughing, rising to her hooves. “And here I thought our announcement was going to be the big highlight today!”
Twilight, Applejack, and Pinkie all looked at her. Fluttershy suddenly blushed, hiding behind her hair.
"What the hay are ya talkin' 'bought, 'announcement'?"
"Um," Fluttershy said, her face scarlet, "well..."
Rainbow Dash smiled proudly, draping a foreleg around her fellow pegasus. "Me and 'Shy talked last night, and, well..."
The rainbow maned pony turned and kissed Fluttershy right on the lips. Her yellow coat turned red as she kissed back.
The three other ponies' jaws dropped at the scene. As the two pulled away, they looked back at their stunned friends.
“Um, we don’t exactly remember what happened last night, but...we woke up in my bed, and...”
“We talked it over, and we figured if we were attracted to each other drunk, we might want to try a real relationship,” Rainbow Dash finished. She leaned over and nudged Applejack. “You two could learn a thing from us.”
"...Aww, that's so sweet!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Ooh! Now I have another party to throw together! I hope you can wait until after the reception..."
"There's not going to be a reception!" Twilight yelled. Then she blushed. "Well, at any rate... congratulations," Twilight said, and she meant it. Though in her current mood it sounded sarcastic.
"Yeah... we're happy for ya, really," Applejack added sincerely. “But, uh...are ya sure ya should be startin’ things like this? A lot can go wrong from startin’ a relationship based on some drunk kisses.
“Hey, relax, we know that, and we’re taking it slow,” Rainbow Dash said. Fluttershy nodded.
“Ooh! We should do something to celebrate!” Pinkie cheered.
"Later, Pinkie,” Twilight said sternly. “We should wait until Rarity’s around. Besides, I want to go and get this marriage annulled now!"
"Yeah, you two enjoy that," Rainbow Dash said casually, scooping Fluttershy up in her forelegs bridal-style. The yellow pegasus gave a small meep, but by the look on her face she certainly didn't object. "Me and my little butterfly are going to take some alone time."
"Um, don't you think we should find Rarity first?" the timid pegasus objected.
"That won’t be necessary, sugar," Applejack said. "It's like Twilight said, Rarity said she wasn't drinkin' too much. I doubt she got herself in any trouble."
"I'll go by Carousel Boutique just in case!" Pinkie offered. "I bet she's been up for hours!"
Rarity snuggled down into her covers. There were times she forgot just how comfortable her bed was. If felt fit for royalty. Her eyes opened slightly, and she saw the purple silk sheets.
Then she stopped. Her sheets weren't purple.
She turned to her side.
"Morning, beautiful," Blueblood cooed.
...
"AAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"