"Role call everypony! I'll go first. Discord, Spirit of Disharmony."
"Queen Chrysalis, Mother of Changelings."
"Nightmare Moon, embodiment of the night."
"..."
"Is that it? Something's different today..." Discord tapped his claw against his chin, the sound making a small click that echoed through the surprisingly empty room. Both the changeling and the alicorn gazed at him with annoyed and bored eyes.
"Something's...off. I can feel it."
Discord moved freely through the gathered villains, which was only the three of them. He went back to his spot in front of the two villainesses, crossed his arms, and put on one of his most poutiest of expressions. "Where is everybody else?!" He shouted, the sound echoing through the usually filled building of evil. Only Discord himself, Nightmare Moon, and Chrysalis had appeared for their weekly meeting.
"Everybody's finally seen how much of a waste this was." Chrysalis replied, leaning her chin on her hole-filled foreleg. Discord narrowed his red eyes at her briefly. "...It's not a waste of time."
"Then where is everyone?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" He grunted. "Why are you two even here?"
"Nothing else to do." They both replied simultaneously in the most monotone of voices that only those truly bored could achieve.
Discord sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Just...just excuse me for a moment." He pointed at them both. "Don't go anywhere! I'll be right back..." And in his usual bright flash of light, he was gone.
"What do you mean you can't make it to this week's meeting?!"
"Iron Will has his confidence back! Iron Will has no more need for your support group!"
"That doesn't mean you still can't come!"
"Iron Will thinks somepony needs some self help videos. Mind browsing through the ones I have available? They're only 19.99 each!"
"...I'll take three."
"Why aren't you at the meeting?!"
"It was too namby-pamby for me."
"Maybe it would be less...'namby-pamby' if you came."
"Naw."
"Maybe you'd be more namby-pamby if your scales were pink."
What did you do?!"
"Aww...you too?"
"GGHWWWWaaauuWWWWuuuugh!"
"...Please?"
"HhhhruuuuGGGGhh!"
"Fine..."
"What in Celestia's name do you mean you're not essentially 'evil' anymore?!"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has turned from the ways of antagonism! I have now been humbled to the most Great and Apologetic Trixie!"
"..."
"I'm nice now."
"..."
"Twilight and I are going to have brunch next week."
"..."
"It's going to be nice."
"...You disgust me."
"Sorry. See how apologetic I've become?"
After many failed attempts at visiting the previous members of the Villains Anonymous Support Group, Discord had finally zapped himself to final and only hope of preventing this evening from being a bore for him: King Sombra.
He found himself in a very dark room that smelled of strong cheese and failure. Don't ask Discord what failure smelled like, you would know if ever your nostrils took a whiff of it. The spirit hovered above the floor, as they it was littered with various discardings of everyday life, from hayburger wrappers to crumpled tissues. There was a light sobbing filling the room, and Discord turned to see the once mighty and proud villain stark naked and weeping in a corner.
"...Sombrero?"
"Who's there?!"
"It's just me..." Discord floated a bit closer.
"Is it another human?!"
"Do I look human to you?"
Sombra looked up momentarily, his eyes flashing a hint of realization. He exploded into an other fit of crying. "Discord! Oh thank evilness that your here! They're...they're everywhere! Outside my apartment, in my apartment, in my head, and in my bathroom!"
"...Who's here? Is it Bowser? 'Cause I don't think I sent him back to his world...I might've accidentally dropped him in some world where the main hero's name is...Zelda I think?"
"No! The humans! They...they followed me back here. With their fingers and their furless bodies..."
Discord shook his head and smirked. "I think I'd know when a little dimensional crossing would happen, Sombrero." He said this rather smugly, but as he did, two portals were ripped open in the apartment, tearing the very fabric of reality apart. They appeared adjacent to one another in contrasting colors, one blue, the other orange.
A slender woman clad in a white tank top and orange jumper pants stepped through one of the portals and into the apartment, glancing curiously at Discord and Sombra. She clenched her strange little white gun a bit before nodding at them and stepping through the other portal to dissapear.
"...Except this time. This was the only time that I didn't know some dimension-jumping would happen."
"That was...a human."
"A dangerous, mute lunatic more like it. Who just comes bursting into other people's homes without knocking! Other than Jehovah's Witnesses?"
"That. Was. A. HUMAN."
"Okay Sombrero...you might wanna calm down..." Discord inched closer to the panicked unicorn, the king sweating profusely and his wide eyes darting to and fro in fear.
"I'm scared...so scared..."
"It's okay, Daddy Discord's here to make everything better." The draconequus picked him in a very demeaning fashion, like holding a child, but Sombra did not care. He almost seemed comforted at the discombobulated creature's touch.
"Better?"
"Much..."
"Good."
Discord dropped him.
"Now, is there a reason you didn't come to this week's group meeting? Or the last?"
King Sombra almost looked away in shame. "I...didn't want to face you all. I sort of...lost my job. Fired for freaking out at the 'My Little Human' toys..."
"Aww...does this mean you can't get me the rest of them?! I have like three Lauren Fausts and no matter how many kids meals I buy, I can't find the rest of the characters in the series!"
Sombra continued on despite Discord's rant about children's toys. "Now, I have no income...no money...and I can't pay for psychiatric help."
"So sorry to hear that, Sombrero..."
Discord snapped his fingers and the two vanished in a flash to leave behind the empty apartment, save for the two still open portals, through which a small white robotic orb floated through after the silent woman.
They appeared back in the support group building, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon almost asleep before the two male villains popped back into place.
"What took you so long?" Moon asked, wiping the drowsiness from her eyes.
"Doesn't matter. What does matter is getting Sombrero here help! He can't afford the My Little Human toys! We have to help him!"
"I said that my problem was affording a psychiatrist...I think I have a real fear of humans now..." Sombra stated, but his words went unheeded.
"So what do you propose that we to aid our fellow evil-doer, hmm?" Queen Chrysalis mused flatly.
"A bake sale of course!" Discord stated this proudly and with a puffed out chest.
"You have got to be bucking kidding me."
"Come one, come all to the best bake sale in all of Equestria! Our cakes make Mr. and Mrs. Cake's seem like dung! Our muffins are to die for! Literally! Some ponies have died trying to eat them!" Discord amplified his voice so all of Equestria could hear his announcement for the seemingly 'best bake sale'.
Many stands bearing various concoctions that could barely be called confectionery aligned in front of the cardboard box where the meetings of evil took place, and a few ponies dared venture forth.
"Hello little pony, and what kind of treat do you want today?" Discord leaned down towards the screaming filly that had eyed their box so many times before, her eyes wide with fear.
"A...a-a-a cupcake please?"
"Sure! That'll be three bits." He held out his palm.
"But I only have one..."
"That works." He snatched the gold coin from her hoof before jerking back up to his full height and calling over his shoulder. "Pinkamena! Get this young lady over here a cupcake!"
"Will do, Dissy!" The flat-haired, slighter darker toned pony bounced over and placed a cupcake in front of the frightened filly.
"Go on, try it! Made it...special." She cackled before going back to her own stand of odd cupcakes that bore cutie marks on their icings with flecks of red frosting on them.
"So, how's it coming along? How much have we made so far?" Discord ambled over to Nightmare Moon sitting at the table that held the lockbox with all of their earned coin in it, flicking the just earned bit into the box, the small monetary value making a satisfying clink once it landed.
"So far?" Nightmare Moon placed a hoof on her chin to think. "So far...we've earned a grand of total of only one bit."
"But...I saw ponies here earlier looking at our treats!"
"Those were guards. I'd imagine they'll be here soon with back-up!"
"What about that pony?!" He pointed at a random stallion who tried to pass down the street unnoticed. "You there, buy our food!"
The stallion averted his gaze, shuffling a bit faster down the road.
"I know you can hear me! Get your flank over here and stuff your face with sugar and calories!"
The stallion broke into a run as he frantically tried to dash away as far as possible.
"Chrysalis!" Discord snapped.
"We're on it...seize him my changelings!" Chrysalis commanded, to which several of her minions flew off in hot pursuit of the stallion who refused to eat their evilly enticing sweets.
A small gallop could be heard over the horizon as the bake dwindled on. Discord perked up his ears curiously. What was that? Sounded like a lot of hooves running at the same time. Couldn't be a stampede, ponies hadn't stampeded since pre-equestrian times.
"Discord..." Sombra nervously walked up beside the draconequus, pulling at his side.
"What's up, Sombrero?"
"I think those guards from earlier brought friends..."
All at once, from every corner, every direction, a Royal Guard surrounded the bake sale with either a sword or a spear pointed at the small group of evil.
"Told you." Nightmare Moon chided.
"Oh please, I can handle this." Discord chuckled, cracking his knuckles. What should he do? Manipulate them all to actually buy some food? Or better yet, turn them into food! That'd be hilarious.
Before he could go through with his little transformation action, the line of guards broke to let through six ponies who proudly stepped forward.
"Oh no..." Discord's face fell away in shock at the sight.
"Ooh, cupcakes!"
"Pinkie, this is no time for food!"
"But look at them! Maybe bad guy cupcakes are as good as good guy cupcakes?"
"Pfft. I doubt that. Probably poisoned or something."
"Darling, put that down! You don't know where it's been!"
"Can we just git this over wit? Ah have some applebucking that needs ta be done back at the farm."
"Alright ladies, ready?" Twilight Sparkle nodded at her friends, the elements of harmony all present. Their necklaces and crown glowed briefly, a sign of powering up before a surge of magic surrounded them, their eyes becoming pure white and glowing as the powers of harmony captured them in pure love and bliss. They hovered off the ground before a roaring rainbow erupted forth, blasting every evil present in a glow of color and warmth.
Every villain uttered their "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" right before the rainbow hit them.
"Hey, here's an idea." Chrysalis stated flatly, each one of the villains affected by the blast of harmony. Nightmare Moon had been reduced to, strangely, another Luna. Discord was a statue once more, and she herself was covered in bandages from the tip of her horn to the end of her tail.
"Let's not ever listen to one of Discord's ideas ever again!"
Every head nodded eagerly, to which the petrified spirit only grumbled through the stone.
THE END