//------------------------------// // Prologue // Story: Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Everything // by Doobie //------------------------------// “Yo yo ziggas listen up we got a motherfuckin’ carriage to wash so let’s wash the fuck out of dis shit!” Doobie hollered at the group of zebras, the baby dragon and the wizard before him as he furiously rubbed the filthy rag on the wheel of the mighty vessel. “Dude, this guy won’t stop... T- Touching me.” Said the gray coated wizard who was standing beside what seemed to be carriage owner. “Just pretend he’s not there and he’ll leave you alone. Probably.” Doobie replied, rubbing his dirty rag deep beneath the wheels of the carriage. “You’ve got nice titties for a little boy.” The carriage owner whispered to the wizard, who was starting to lose his cool. “B- Back up old timer.” Muttered the wimpy wizard. “Or what? You’ll blast me away with your magic? The tall black stallion laughed, pressing his thigh against that of the wizards. “D- Doobie. H- Help.” “Dammit Matt! Can’t you see I’m busy, Assface? Just turn him into something!” Doobie hollered, climbing out from under the carriage. “So.. Your name’s Matt.” Said the black stallion, nibbling on Matt’s ear and rubbing his nipples. “M- Magic Matt.” “Ha, what?” The seeming to be pedofilic carraige owner chuckled. Unknowing of Magic Matt's true power, that would cause anypony in the right mind to tremble in fear, he continued attempting to molest Matt. “I said my name is MAGIC MATT!” The wizard hollered as his horn began to glow. “Ay Doobie, Matt’s pissed off again. Keep your head down.” The small purple dragon warned. Doobie looked over towards Matt, who was backing the old nigger into a corner. “Blast him Matt!” He yelled. Matt, dripping with sweat caused by a mixture of anxiety and exhaustion from moving 2ft, aimed his horn at the old stallion and blasted him in the face with some sort of magical beam of not good things. The beam of light dissipated and there was nothing left but a steaming hot apple pie. “Oh boy!” Said Matt as he ran over and started noisily ingesting the former perverted stallion. “Did he just turn that dude into a pie and start to eat him?” One of the zebras yelled from the other side of the garage. “Yup. He sure did.” Doobie said, staring at Matt and the nearly gone pie. “...Sheeeiiit! We got ourselves a talented wizard in our vicinity! Here I was thinkin’ he was all bark and no magical bite!” Shouted the zebra as the other zebras got up and they all walked over to Doobie and Matt. “You damn right ‘bout dat, son.” Matt fucked, having chundered down all of the super delicious treat. “Yo ziggas, dis guy right here can drop a sick motherfuckin’ beat as well. Wanna hear some?” Doobie said, grabbing matt and putting him on top on a makeshift stage that was just a dirty handkerchief. “Alright, alright. For you guys, I’ll drop a sick beat.” Matt said as he started to beatbox. The group of zebras stood there speechless at Matt’s mind-blowingly good beatboxing skills. “Hey guys, wanna hear my one?” Doobie said, shoving Matt off of the stage. “Um, I’m not sure that’s a very good idea, Doobie...” Spike said, looking nervous. “Shut the fuck up Spike, just because you think it’s bad doesn’t mean they will.” Doobie hollered in the adorable little dragon’s face. The green and purple infinitely sweaty unicorn lifted his head high, opened his gob and started to sing. ******* The two unicorns and the baby dragon hit the floor after being tossed out of the doorway by the intensely angry group of zebras. “AND STAY OUT!” One of them screamed. “Guys, what just happened?” spike asked. “Apparently ziggas don’t like my singing. Why does nobody like my singing?” Doobie said, looking sad. “I dunno man, your singing is beautiful to me. Since we just lost our jobs, how about we hit the town? I’m buying dinner. Let me go get my wallet.” Matt said, walking down the road. Doobie and Spike watched Magic Matt walk down the road for a while before pulling a very old unicorn mare into a dark alleyway. they heard screams, grunts, a splashing sound and then a crunch. Matt came out of the alley chewing on something crunchy and putting a fancy purse under his hat. Knowing better than to ask questions and not really wanting to know what Matt was chewing, Doobie and spike started to walk to the nearest fancy restaurant before being joined by matt, still crunching on the mystery meat. ******* “Good evening sirs, how may i serve you today?” The waiter said to the three guys as they made their way to a table of the fancy restaurant “le grande fromage”. “Got an beef, ya mug?” Matt hollered at the waiter. “Excuse me, sir? What is ‘an beef’?” The waiter asked, looking confused. “Just some cucumber sandwiches, my man. No vegetables.” Doobie said to the waiter as Matt grumbled in the corner like a dosey cunt. “...right. Three pieces of bread, coming right up.” The waiter said as he backed away from the three sweat and grease smeared mongoloids. The three guys sat down and waited for their fancy meal while talking about how much they loved cheese and magic. The waiter came with lightening speed holding three pieces of expertly buttered bread which the three started to much on. Magic Matt slowly stopped chewing and looked up at the waiter. “Is there a problem, sir?” The waiter inquired, looking worried. Maybe the chef had picked his nose and wiped it onto the meal again. “Th- this... This bread. It... It has butter on it.” Magic Matt stated, carefully putting down the bread and butter. “I’m sorry sir, you didn't specify if you wanted butter or not. I’m afraid i can’t do anything about it because you didn’t tell me no butter.” The waiter said, looking a little uneasy. “Everyone, out. Right now.” matt said. “Excuse me?” The waiter inquired. “I SAID EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ROOM RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I SWEAR TO FUCK I WILL EXECUTE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!” Matt screamed, pieces of bread and butter flying out of his mouth as he jumped onto the table. everyone turned their heads to him and his threatening statement as if he was some kind of insane magical horse. “I said... OUT!” Matt shouted as his horn lit up and everyone except from him and the waiter was engulfed in his magic field and thrown out of the door which subsequently slammed. Doobie and Spike got up, climbed over the carpet of injured or battered ponies to the door and put their ears to it, wondering what Matt was doing to the poor guy. “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW DARE YOU PUT BUTTER ON MY BREAD! ARE YOU INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE?” Matt screamed at the waiter. “I- I didn’t know you didn’t like b- butter, sir! You never told me!” The waiter insisted, sounding on the verge of tears. Anyone in his situation would be, considering Matt’s near effortless feat of clearing a room of more than thirty ponies in mere seconds. “DIDN’T KNOW? I’LL TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT NOT KNOWING. LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT HIT YOU!” Matt hollered at the top of his lungs. Doobie and Spike both cringed as they heard tables being overturned, cutlery smashing and the waiter screaming. After the screaming stopped and the waiter was either unconscious or dead the smashing was heard for a few more seconds and then the doors flew open, blasting Doobie and Spike backward onto the crowd of ponies. Magic Matt walked out of the restaurant completely unscathed and started to walk through the crowd of ponies as they stared in horror at what he had done. He had quite literally painted the walls with the waiter’s body fluids and hung the empty bag of skin and bone on the chandelier. Some ponies gasped in horror and disgust while more than a few cried or vomited. Doobie and Spike both started to walk next to Matt. knowing better than to ask questions or hang around long enough for the police to arrive. They walked for a while leaving their troubles behind them before they came to the city limits, obviously planning on leaving Trottingham thanks to losing their jobs and Matt’s incredibly violent assault on a pony. “Where the fuck are we gonna go now?” Spike said, being the only (slightly) sane person in the group. “Hmm... Don’t worry. I’ll handle this.” Doobie said, his horn lighting up. Never a good sign. Doobie’s horn started to spark and make strange sounds before guttering out like a candle. A few seconds later it shot into life and blasted him up, up, up into the air where he spun around screaming and flailing his arms. He dropped onto the floor with a sickening thud a few feet away from the two others and then got up, careful not to move his head. His horn was pointing to a large city on the side of a mountain way in the distance. “Alright then. TO CANTERLOT!” He screamed.