//------------------------------// // Of Omnivores and Homosexuals // Story: Absence of Logic // by Antisocial Ind. //------------------------------// Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the latest chapter of ABSENCE OF LOGIC! With a special guest appearance by Morgan Freeman! Oh God what could she want!? Tyler asked himself. For the umpteenth fucking time. Twilight would most likely not drag Tyler away from his work unless it was important. Only four days and they've already gotten themselves into trouble. Typical humans... He arrived shortly, and knocked on the door. Spike opened it, and welcomed him in. After a few exchanged words, Tyler entered the main room of the library, and was surprised to see the entirety of the Mane 6 there, as well as his fellow humans. They all looked at him "What's going on?" Tyler asked. Twilight spoke first. "Sit down, please. We all need to ask you some questions regarding humans, for study, as well as questions regarding your stay in Equestria. We all have questions we're going to ask and record, and send to Canterlot for record keeping. "How straightforward," Noah remarked dryly. "Yeah, I can do that." Tyler walked over and sat down next to his friends in the small room, and awaited Twilight's questions. "Go ahead." Twilight smiled and cleared her throat. "Well right now I just want to get all the basics out of the way, where you came from, how you got here, your names and all that." "Didn't we already go over all of that?" Noah asked "Yes we did, but I just want to get it all down on paper," she replied. "Why would you need to do that?" Noah asked, confused. "Well its mostly for my own sake," she admitted, blushing a little. "You four are the first of a completely alien species. I want to get as much information as I can, and even though we went over some things during the party, we were more of sharing stories as friends then answering any real questions." Noah nodded a bit in understanding of her curiosity. And by nodded in understanding, we mean notBad.jpg. "Now, lets start from the beginning." Once again the four recounted their story of their names, where they were from, and how they arrived in Equestria. All in all it took about two hours to recount their stories and for Twilight to write it all down. "Okay, now that all of that's out of the way, lets move onto something more interesting. I was wondering if you four would allow me to examine your bodies?" "Uhhhhhhhh," rang out a corrous from the humans save Adam who grew a large grin on his face. Tyler, did you mean 'chorus'? I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, NOAH. *giggles like a little girl* Twilight giggled at their nervousness. "Don't worry, its just a little nudity and examination of your-" "Twilight," Fluttershy interrupted, "I don't think that they would, um, like that. Why don't we just leave that for, um, doctors. Unless it's OK with them of course." Twilight was, for some reason, determined to see the humans naked. Giggity. For scientific purposes. Double giggity. "But that's not-" "Twilight, Ah have tah agree with Fluttershy. We shouldn't be pushin'em tah do somethin' they ain't comfortable with." Twilight sighed and nodded her head. "Alright, I'm sorry, I just got a little excited over being the first to study a new species. Do you mind if I examine your hands?" Andre smiled and nodded, holding his hand out for Twilight, who began to take notes on everything from his digits right down to the individual placement of hairs. Soon she moved onto his arms, testing the joints seeing how the muscles flexed when its moved, and finally she moved to his head, starting with his ears and eyes. "Almost done, now open your mouth please," she asked with a smile. Andre looked over to Tyler with a nervous look. Tyler's mind raced furiously. Oh shit, we never explained we're omnivores! I have no idea how they'd, er well they have griffins which are carnivores, but then again one was a close trusted friend, and the other was a baker going to a contest... Tyler turned to Noah again with the same nervous look as Andre, this was one of those times when he was glad he and Noah could communicate in a second language as he began talking to Noah in German. "Dude, we are very possibly, totally fucked here." "Look dude, just stay calm, we can work through this. We're meat eaters by nature, its not something we can help." Noah told Tyler reassuringly. Tyler always appreciated his friends ability to stay calm under pressure, as it always helped when they were stuck in tough situations. "I know. It's just... how are a bunch of herbivores going to react to knowing they have a bunch of pradators living arou-" "Ich spreche auch Deutsch," Twilight said with a smile on her face. Both their faces drained of color. Rainbow Dash growled and flared her wings out. "I KNEW IT! THEY'RE SPIES!" Twilight moved between them, and stared at Rainbow with a slight frown. "Rainbow, their speaking Germane. We've haven't had a conflict with Germaney in the entire history of Equestria. Why would they be spies?" Rainbow narrowed her eyes at the humans and pointed to her right eye with her hoof, then to them, indicating that she'd be watching them. "So, what did they say Twilight?" Pinkie asked, now in Twilight's face. She pushed Pinkie away before responding. "Oh nothing just idle chat. OK, let's get to the questions." She turned her head so that only the humans would see and gave them a wink with her left eye. "So who wants to go first?" She was talking to her fellow mares, apparently not wanting to go first herself. Rarity decided to go first. "I shall. I have a few questions regarding your wardrobes, dears. Why do you wear clothes at all times?" "Well," Tyler began, "it's just the norm where we come from. My best guess would be that after a couple thousand years of humans wearing clothing from reasons ranging between protection, ceremonial purposes, status, comfort, and religious reasons. Its just become normal, though in today's societies its mostly for, er, covering our more... private areas...” “Oh, I see.” Rarity said with a little blush. “Why don't you tell me about the different outfits you're wearing?” “Well, my friends are wearing clothes more suited towards just day to day wear, street clothes as some would say. Its nothing fancy and is just built for wear and tear. My clothes are basically the same with the exception of my polo and apron, those are part of my work uniform though I am allowed to wear whatever else I want with it. When I'm running a register I’d wear a pair of khakis and nicer shoes, but when I got here I had been working in produce. So I usually wear a pair of jeans and boots during those shifts so I don't ruin any of my nicer clothes.” “I see, fascinating,” Rarity said as she scribbled notes down on a piece of paper. “What materials are human clothing usually made of?” “Most clothing I believe is made from cotton mixed with other things, but clothing can be made from many different materials ranging from Denim, cotton, polyester-" "Tyler," Noah interrupted, "denim is a combination of those two." Tyler turned to Noah with a blank expression. "Well you can just gargle some .308's you little jackwagon." The humans all shared a laugh at this typical Internet/gun response. The equines simply stared in confusion. Pinkie, not one to miss out on a joke, tried to understand. "Uh, hey guys, did I miss something? I didn't get the joke, and if I don't get the joke, then I miss out on some fun and I don't wanna-" Applejack stopped her with a hoof, saving everyone from listening to Pinkie's good-natured tirade. "Oh, you see," Adam started, "we have these things called gu-" "NO!" three voices all cried out. Everyone was looking at Adam, while everypony was staring at the three others, not understanding what Adam did wrong. Twilight decided to try and understand what just happened. "What did he-" "Nothing," Andre said. "It's just...there are things we'd rather not share with your culture yet. We need time. It's kinda sensitive." Twilight looked at Andre carefully, speaking slowly. "Alright, I suppose that's reasonable. So, what were you saying Tyler?" "Oh, right. Denim, cotton, polyester, silk, all kinds of stuff." "OH, HANG ON, I NEED TO WRITE THIS DOWN!" Rarity was in glee taking down notes on a completely alien culture and its clothing, her fascination with the humans and their clothing almost matched Twilight's curiosity about their world in general. “What about your boots and belt?” Rarity asked pointing to the brown belt and boots Tyler wore. “What are they made of?” “They're, uh... leather...” Rarities jaw dropped and the quill fell out of her mouth, Twilight stared in shock and the others shared looks of confusion. Tyler was nearly sweating in fear and nervousness from what he just revealed to the innocent ponies. “Um, whats leather?” asked Rainbow dash. “Uh, you see Rainbow... leather is-” “Its dead cow's skin,” Adam blurted out before Tyler could finish. The color drained from the four remaining ponies faces, save for pinkie whose mane deflated audibly. Tyler’s eye began twitching as he slowly turned to his insolent and ignorant friend. “OH OH OH OH! HIS EYE IS TWITCHING! DO YOU HAVE A PINKIE-SENSE TOO!?” Pinkies mane had re-inflated at this point and it was as if she had completely forgotten what had just been revealed. Tyler turned to Pinkie with a somewhat deviant-like emotionless smile. “Yes Pinkie, I do. My eye twitches whenever Adam's about to be hit over the head with a heavy blunt object.” “Tyler, you know you don't have the balls to-” Adam was cut off as a wooden baseball bat broke itself over his cranium. “Heeey, that hurt.” Adam frowned and turned to Andre holding the remains of the bat in his hands. “Yeah well you deserved it, now be quiet and let the big boys talk.” The ponies simply stared at Andre. “Where did you-” “I borrowed some beard powers," he quickly replied. The ponies assumed that beard powers were like Pinkie Physics and needed no explanation, so they gave no inquiry. “Well he's right," said Tyler. "Like we explained, we’re omnivores and cattle consists as a part of our diet. So when a cow is slaughtered we don't just waste parts, we put them to use, such as the hide which can be used to create clothing such as belts coats and shoes." “I see,” Rarity said trying to shake of her nausea. “So do you four ever wear anything more, exquisite?” "We do, when the situation calls for it. I mean, I don't wear a suit to go to the market." Rarity's eyes lit up at the word suits. "Oh, so you wear suits?" Noah interjected before Tyler could respond. "Yeah, you have no idea. I can pull off a suit like few others can, and I love wearing them." By this time Rarity was practically beaming. “Oh my, you MUST tell me about the different types of fashion!” “Well that might be a problem,” Adam said. “Oh, and why's that?" she asked quizzically. “Well you see Rarity my darling, we three aren't faggots.” Andre and Tyler facepalmed, understanding what they were about to explain. "What's a faggot?" Fluttershy asked timidly. "Well," Andre began, "where we come from, we have homosexuals, or people who are attracted to people of the same sex. The derogatory name for them is faggot, but we use the term with a different meaning from a subculture." "Oh," Twilight said, "you mean like colt cuddler?" The non-bronies in the room had to keep themselves from cracking up at the term. Tyler opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Adam. "So, what's the name for females who like females?" he asked, holding back giggles. "A filly fooler?" That did it. A cacophony of synchronized laughing erupted from three of the humans. The ponies did not share their enthusiasm. After their momentary laughter died down, they wiped their tears, and serious'd up. "OK, OK," Tyler said, regaining direction, "who's next with the questions?" "ME!" Said Rainbow Dash, landing softly in front of the humans. "OK, first off, where you guys come from, were you cool?" "Oh," started Noah, "we were the COOLEST people ever! We had groupies and everyone wanted to hang with u-" "We were all basically antisocial weirdos," said Adam flatly. Noah frowned at him and then turned to Rainbow. "He's right. We really kinda stuck with one another because we're all so similar in personalities. We were in no way cool, but then again, where we come from, cool is almost never a good thing." Rainbow was simply baffled. "What do you mean by 'not a good thing'?" Noah looked to Andre, who got the hint. "Well, where we come from the kids our age are usually doing stupid things that are considered cool, and we don't partake in them. We also have interests and hobbies and stuff that are, like, really different from what is considered normal. But in that sense, we were also superior to most of the teenagers at our school. They are doing drugs, partying and getting drunk, and having sex with random people, and we just didn't want any part of that." The ponies were all dumbfounded. AJ stepped forward. "Why in the hay would y'all wanna go out an' do stuff like that? It's irresponsible and downright dangerous!" "That's exactly why we stayed away," replied Noah. "We knew that it was dangerous, and we just didn't feel like subjecting ourselves to that kind of societal pressure." "So then if tha's what y'all consider ta be cool, then what in the hay do y'all consider ta be uncool!? Ah reckon it'd havta be even worse than all that!" "Not really," said Adam. "Yeah," said Andre, "they think abstinence and doing what was considered by previous generations to be morally right is uncool. It's not like the uncool stuff is worse than the cool stuff, it's just flip-flopped." "So then why would you allow it to be that way? Why would you want to live there?" Fluttershy asked, quiet as a mouse. Three of them opened their mouths to respond, but they all closed them immediately. There was silence for a good ten seconds before a low voice came from Tyler's mouth. The top half of his face was hidden under a shadow caused by his dirty blonde hair since his head was tilted down. "Who said we wanted to?" he replied darkly. There was a moment of silence. Noah never liked it when Tyler got all gloomy and crap, as it really killed whatever the mood was. "OK, this isn't getting us anywhere," Twilight said, pushing her writing equipment to the side. She walked around the table she was standing behind and approached the humans directly. "If you guys don't mind, I'd like to try a faster, more direct approach." They all looked at each other, then to Tyler, since he was the brony, and he just shrugged. Noah turned to Twilight. "Sure, I guess." Twilight gave them a warm smile. "OK, who's first?" "Dibs!" Noah exclaimed, raising his hand. Twilight walked towards him, and he smiled smugly at the others. "Why would you call dibs on that?" Andre asked. "Cuz I can, and so you can't have it first!" Noah replied. They all laughed. They knew Noah only made that joke to distract his friends from worrying. They all appreciated his care for them, but they saw through it like glass. Twilight put her forehooves on Noah's shoulders, and met his eyes. She was barely able to put her horn on his forehead, even when Noah was sitting. "OK, now I am going to insert my consciousness into your mind, and gather information. I can't see anything you don't want me to, but I ask that you be fair in what you can or can't show me. Do you understand?" "Yep." "OK," Twilight said. She squinted her eyes, and her horn glowed as she pressed it into Noah's forehead. He closed his eyes, and instantly he was out cold. Twilight opened her eyes, and she was in a small room. A cozy, but not cramped space, perfect for two people to live. She looked around, taking note of everything, including the carpet she was sitting on. She walked over next to the bed, and floated herself onto it, sitting on the neatly prepped bedsheets. There was a closet next to what she assumed was the entrance/exit to the room. The closet opened, and out came Roger Ramjet, hero of our nation! It wasn't Roger fucking Ramjet, it was a SPARTAN II, you asshats. Whatever you say, Mr. Ramjet. And out game a huge being, black and red. It was tall, easily taller than any of the humans she had seen before. It was clad in some kind of thick-looking armor, and in between the plates Twilight could see a jet-black body suit. The reflecting material over the face of the helmet scared Twilight, since she couldn't read the expression. There was a sequence on its left shoulder that read 'N618', and on its chest was an insignia of a faded skull with a gold crown on top of it. This of course made no sense to her. It turned to the door and indicated her to walk through it. Twilight cautiously walked through the threshold. When the door closed behind her, a multitude of things passed before her eyes. She saw what was definitely a female in a bright white gown holding hands with Noah, who was wearing what was probably a human-sized tuxedo. They kissed passionately, and twilight felt an overwhelming sensation in her chest. It was a kind of love, but one she was not familiar with. It filled her to capacity, and brought tears to her eyes. In a flash, the scene was replaced by a, and Noah was in a green uniform, but he was a lot bulkier, like he had put on several layers of fat on his chest, and he wore what looked like a helmet. She felt the dedication of a soldier, the honest to Celestia love for fellow soldiers, and something that consumed her senses - the thrill of combat. Explosions and mini-explosions made her head ring. Adrenaline kicked in, and everything went into slow motion. Instantly, it was gone, replaced with a scene that was exactly opposite the last one; they were in a large room, and there were rows of people sitting on benched. In the front, there was a pulpit that stretched the width of the room, and it was elevated a foot or so. On the far right, she saw Noah standing in a suit, with two other humans, and they appeared to be meddling with something. She couldn't see what it was, as it was behind a white cloth that was bundled up across a table. She felt a quiet reverence, and an utterly consuming respect for her surroundings. And in the blink of an eye, it changed. She saw that female human from the wedding earlier, with another human male. But she didn't know him, it wasn't Noah. It wasn't the same woman, either. Now it was a taller, more muscular boy with blonde hair. Wait, now it was Tyler!? Andre!? Adam!? The form kept on changing. Based on the fact that it was transforming between Noah's those three and the one human female, Twilight assumed that the personage was representing Noah's loved ones. The other human pinned what was now a short old woman against a wall, and he pulled his arm back - then launched it forward, striking the woman full-force in the face. He pulled the appendage back for another blow, when something tackled the human. The other personage faded away almost immediately. The unknown human was now underneath Noah - who was now yelling and beating the individual to a pulp. He pulled out a tiny piece of metal, just a bit bigger than his hand, and pointed it at the helpless shape on the ground. He reached on the top of it, and pulled part of it back. It slid forward with a loud metallic click, and Noah pointed it at the humans leg. The form was now talking. "Hey, come on, bro. Don't do this." "Too late," Noah said, menacingly. He flinched his finger, and the metal thing made a loud booming noise. Twilight recoiled, covering her ears with her hooves. Blood flew from the joint in the middle of the mans leg. Noah used the weapon ten more times. Every single time, a horrible, blood-curdling scream echoed from the human on the ground. Twilight wanted so bad to scream out in disapproval, but she couldn't in spite of herself. Finally, Noah used the weapon one last time on the humans head, silencing it. The ringing silence melted into inky blackness, only resolved when the creaking of a door lit the area around Twilight. She was now in a very tiny closet. She looked behind her, and Noah was standing there, looking in. Twilight left the closet silently, now back in Noah's dorm room. "So, how was it?" Noah asked cheerfully. "Uh, it was...f-fine." She seemed perturbed. Noah opened his mouth to reply, but before he could speak, they were back in the Library. He blinked away the dots in his vision, and leaned back, stretching. He had no idea how long they were out, but it was probably not that long. "How long did that take?" "Y'all were out fer about two minutes." "What'd ya see, Twi?" Rainbow asked excitedly. Twilight looked at her and shook her head slightly, her eyes donning a thousand yard stare. "I'll tell you guys what I found when I'm done. Tyler, you're next." Tyler instantly thought of all the horrible things he's seen and done on the Internet, and the things that involved Twilight or her friends. What would she think if she knew about the show!? "I-I don't that's-" "You can hide whatever you don't want to show me." Twilight had to stand with her hind legs on Tyler's, forehooves on his shoulders in order to reach his forehead with her horn. "Are you ready?" With a deep breath, Tyler readied himself. "Yes." With that, Twilight closed her eyes, and began the spell. Instantly, she appeared...nowhere. She looked around, but there was nothing. Endless white in every single direction. Yet, somehow, she was standing on a surface. She looked behind her and saw a gigantic door, easily twenty feet high, and eight feet wide with chains and locks going up and along the entire surface. She took a few steps toward the door, fascinated by it's immense size. A loud, high pitched noise scared her to death, as it was previously dead silent. She looked down and saw a very small furry creature, whose tail was under her hoof. She lifted it immediately. "Oh- I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there!" The creature stood up on its hind legs and massaged its tail. After a few seconds it looked up at Twilight. It was only a few inches tall, but it had a very loud, if squeaky, voice. "Watch where you're friggin' walking!" "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean it." She bent down as she said this, trying to get a closer look at the creatures face. Upon inspection, it appeared that the creature was like a wolf, but with more bipedal-like features, and wore a yellow band high on its upper right arm. "So, uh, what exactly are you?" "A guinea pig. I'm a friggin' werewolf ya dolt!" Twilight recoiled, furrowing her brow at the insult. "Okay, jeez. Sorry, I've never ween a werewolf before. So, where are we?" "You serious?" The impatient werewolf leaned on one leg, and put its hands on its sides, cocking its head slightly to the left. If Twilight had to guess, this was most likely a gesture of annoyance. "We're in Tyler's head. You performed the spell for Gods sake!" OK, Twilight, just take a deep breath and deal with it. You can leave soon, she thought. "OK," she said, forcing a smile, "so what exactly is that door over there?" she asked, pointing with her hoof. The werewolf turned its head to the door, then looked back at Twilight with a bored expression. "I don't really know, but if I had to venture a guess, it's probably all that shit Tyler don't want you to see. You should try opening the door." Twilight mulled this over for a second, deciding that if any part of Tyler's subconscious suggested for her to open it, then he must actually want her to see it, regardless of whether he initially blocked it off. "Alright." With that, Twilight headed over to the door. She identified 27 locks on the entire door, all of which now had purple glows around them. With slight concentration, Twilight opened every single one and removed them from around the chains. She dropped them carefully to either side of her, and began work on the chains. The last one fell to the ground with a quiet thud. Twilight magicked the rather large knob, causing it to turn. There was a booming click, and the door began to open. "GET OUT," a thundering voice called out. The force of the voice caused Twilight to recoil, covering her ears with her hooves; they were ringing painfully. She cracked her eyes open just in time to catch sight of every single chain and lock replaced itself around the door. Twlight looked behind her, and saw that the minuscule werewolf was on the ground, clutching his sides and laughing hysterically. Twilight got to her feet, facing him. She huffed angrily. "What's so funny!?" "You freakin' fell for it! He obviously didn't want you in there! Did you think he secretly wanted you to see it?" This made Twilight turn a little redder in the face. "N-no. I just-" "What? You thought you would want to see the kinda shit he's got buried back there? BAHAHAHAHAHA!" He fell backwards in another fit of laughter. After a few moments he regained his composure and stood, wiping away the tears from his mouth, grinning and bearing his tiny, but very sharp teeth. "Seriously, though. Why would you want to see what's behind the door? I mean, he's a human! If he was hidin' it, it's obviously pretty racy." Twilight mulled his words over. Even if he was an annoying little twerp, he still made sense. "So, if he is hiding basically everything, then why would he let me in in the first place?" she asked. Her furry friend stared at her with a slightly furrowed brow, indicating he was indeed annoyed. He extended his arm out to point at the door, palm up, as if he was presenting something to her. "Locked door representing entirety of the inner workings of the dude's mind." He used his other hand to gesture to himself. "Tiny werewolf in an infinite white void outside said mind. Do I LOOK like I know what the fuck's going on in there?" Twilight recoiled slightly from his cruel sarcasm and harsh language. She was about to give a half-assed reply when she heard what sounded like very soft footsteps coming from the door. She turned to the door just in time to see another miniature werewolf, identical to the one she was talking to, walk from behind the door frame. He yawned deeply and scratched his back in a way that would make people who hate cliches foam at the mouth, stopping only when he noticed Twilight and the other wolf. He suddenly got very angry and yelled out at his furry friend. "Dammit, Sting, how many times have I told you to stop impersonating me!?" Sting? Twilight looked over to Sting, who was no longer a werewolf. Instead she now saw a ninja-like figure, just as big, with a black mask. The mask had two distinct shapes, one on each side where the eyes would be, but they were odd shapes, like angular sickles, and they were reflected on either side of his face. He made rapid motions with his hands, obviously a form of silent communication. Twilight wouldn't have understood what he was saying if it hadn't been for the captions. "Hahaha, whatcha gon' do 'bout it, faggot? There's that word again. This apparently pissed off the werewolf, as he rushed Sting with his claws raised. He was surprisingly fast for such a small creature. He hacked and slashed at Sting repeatedly, and Sting just kept dodging his swipes, laughing silently as he did so. After a few moments of...."fighting", Sting jumped over his friend, and threw a tiny pellet onto the ground. A large cloud of smoke exploded from the point of impact, and they were engulfed. Within a moment, however, the smoke was gone, and so was Sting. "Sorry about that." Twilight looked over the the werewolf. "Anyway, I'm Tiny. Nice to meet you." "Uh, yeah. Nice to meet you, too. So, can you tell me anything about the door?" Twilight asked. She didn't expect him to be able to help, but, you never know, right? "All I know is that it's pretty bad," he said with a nervous smile. "I can tell you some things about Tyler, though." Twilight perked up at this idea. "OK, that's pretty good." "Yeah, I guess. All I can really tell you though is his education. That's basically the only thing he let me have." Twilight's ears fell, and her face showed disappointment. "OK, sure. Talk to me." And so Tiny and Twilight talked for awhile about Tyler's education and knowledge. Twilight was grossly disappointed in Tyler's understanding of science and mathematics, and his writing skills were apparently poor. Which is why I'm the one who does most of the writing. Noah. Yeah? Shut the hell up. "You know, I always thought that werewolves were all evil and nasty and mean." Twilight said. "Yeah, most of us are, but there are also plenty of good ones." Twilight gave him a warm smile. "Oh I'm sure. I hope there are more like you, because you are just the cutest little thing I have ever seen!" She looked down at Tiny, and noticed his face was weird: he was staring straight ahead, his eyes were all white, his tiny brow was furrowed, and he was baring his teeth. "Um, are you OK, Tiny?" "I'M. NOT. CUTE!" he squeaked. Twilight chuckled despite herself. "Oh wow! That's just adorable!" she remarked, patting him gently on the head. Tiny's claws instantly emerged from his fingertips with a metallic shlink! "I bet a cute little thing like you isn't even capable of malicious thought!" I swear to God I'll cut out your throat and eat it psycho bitch. "Well, better be going then!" Tiny's anger was momentarily forgotten as he remembered something. "Wait!" he called. Twilight stopped and looked back. "Yes?" "There was...something else." Twilight was concerned by the tone in his voice. He sounded like there was indeed something to be worried about. "And that would be...?" "Well, it's just...Tyler is kinda...dark inside. I'd be careful." Twilight thought about this for a few seconds before putting on her usual warm smile. "Thanks a lot, Tiny!" With that, Twilight ceased her spell, causing her surroundings to evaporate. When she was back in her Library, she looked around, trying to regain her bearings. Being in there for so long (according to her own mental clock) had messed with her mind. In reality, it was only five minutes. She turned to Andre. "OK, let's do this." "Go easy, it's my first time." Twilight cocked her head in confusion. She clearly didn't get the reference, so Andre just muttered 'nevermind' and let her continue. Twilight placed her horn on his forehead, and they were off. Twilight opened her eyes, and she was sitting in a white room, and there was a white, bulb-like object in front of her. She could see legs on the other side, and so she supposed that there was something sitting in the object. Slowly, it began to turn. When it had finally turned all the way, Twilight saw a man sitting in the chair. He was wearing a suit, and one of his legs was crossed over the other. His hands were together, and his digits -fingers? Yes, fingers- were interlocked, and they were in front of his mouth, which was smiling knowingly. He had excellent white hair and white beard, which was black at the tips. He had spots on his face as if someone took a spoon, dipped it into chocolate sauce, and then flecked them on his face. Noah, what the hell am I reading? This sounds like the opening to an admittedly interesting porno. Dude. This is Morgan Freeman we're talking about. You know you're loving it. I never said I wasn't enjoying it, it's just unusual. Please, continue. They stared at each other for a few seconds before the man lowered his hands to his lap and addressed Twilight. His voice was smooth like silk, but deep and rugged. Twilight had never encountered such a calming voice before. She felt at ease as he spoke, as if she was perfectly safe. "Good evening, Miss Sparkle." Oh, now this is interesting. "Good evening, sir. You know my name, so what is yours?" He tilted his head ever so slightly to the right. "I have any names, ranging from 'Django' to 'God'." Twilight would have been annoyed by his response, but his voice was so calming, so nice. Enveloping. "So, what would you have me call you, then?" He looked up in thoughtful consideration, then returned his gaze to Twilight. "'Sir' is just fine, thank you." "OK then, sir. What can you tell me about Andre's mind?" "Anything, basically. He has trusted me with judging what is and is not appropriate to share. But I can quickly and easily share with you the extent of his education, since that what you got from Tyler." Twilight flinched, shocked that anyone would be able to access that kind of information without her knowing. Or shew would have if the mans voice didn't practically entrance her. "How do you know about that?" "I told you, one of my names is 'God'. In this realm, I can know whatever I choose from the wealth of information of any consciousness that is present. Both yours and Andre's are mine for reviewing as I please." His smile got just a tad wider as he said this, and so did Twilight's. "OK, then, Mr. Sir, how would that work?" she asked, blushing just a bit. The man leaned forward just a bit, placing his hands neatly on his lap. "Like this." His raised his right hand and snapped loudly. In an instant, Twilight felt an almost alien intrusion into her brain. Initially she fought it off mentally. "You need not struggle, you have nothing to fear. As an embodiment of Andre's mind, I still maintain respect for those around me." He chuckled a bit, and Twilight's defenses melted. Oh my Celestia, this man could tell me my friends had been murdered with a chainsaw and I'd be just fine. She let him insert a massive amount of data directly into her mind. Apparently Andre was proficient at just about everything to which he showed interest. The other things mostly involved activities he never put effort into, and so he was consequently lacking. As suddenly as it happened, the alien feeling went away, and it was just those two, again. "Satisfactory?" the man asked. "Yes," Twilight said absentmindedly as she reviewed the new information. "I also took the liberty of inserting our written language, basic American politics, and general human interaction. I have held much back in the interest of diplomacy, but what I have given you should be sufficient." "I think this will do. Thank you, sir." A warm smile from both man and mare. "If that is all, then I'll send you on your way." He raised his left hand in a loosely balled fist. He flicked it upward, at the same time extending his fingers, as if he was waving someone away. Twilight felt a familiar sensation and was thrown out of Andres consciousness. She was surprised, so much so that she actually fell over backward onto the hard wooden floor. "You OK, sugarcube?" Twilight rolled onto her side, a hoof rubbing her back. "Yeah, I'm fine. It was incredibly weird, though." "What do you mean, darling?" "I'm not really sure how, but the representation of Andre's subconscious was able to see into both mine and Andres minds to the extent that he could somehow initiate a direct mind-to-mind mental transfer via-" "English, deary." Twilight gave an annoyed sigh. "His subconscious gave me a bunch of information without actually communicating. Then he was able to manually de-link our minds, even though I was the one who cast the spell." "See, isn't that far easier?" "So does that mean he's like, super smart?" asked Tyler. "Well, he is, but that's not why he was able to. Quite frankly, Andre and Noah are two of the most mentally capable people I have ever met in my entire life, but that's irrelevant." Noah and Andre high-fived each other without looking. "Andre," Noah whispered. "Yeah?" "That was epic." "Yep." By the time they had returned their attention to the rest of the group, an unusually large and very boring segment of dialogue had occurred that no one in existence remembers, and therefore it cannot be written down. Twilight was getting ready to go into Adams mind now. Her horn lit up as it pressed into Adams forehead, and then both their bodies went stiff. After fifteen seconds, Twilight's eyes shot open and she jumped away from Adam. "EwewewewewewewewewEEEEEEWWWWWWW!" Tyler grabbed Adam by the collar of his shirt and pulled him in close. "What did you show her!?" "I don't know," replied Adam with a cordial, shit-eating smile. "IT WAS A BUNCH OF DOLPHINS HAVING SEX!" Twilight shouted from the ground. She was laying on her side, curled up with her forelegs covering her head, as though she was being beaten. The rest of the ponies, and humans for that matter, looked at Adam with varying levels of confusion and disgust. Noah walked over to Twilight and hugged her, trying to offer some help. Noah was on the Internet a lot, and knew all about the principal of that which cannot be unseen, so he knew she really needed some support. "Now why in the hay would yer internal concho-whatever be a buncha dolphins doin', uh, that?" They all looked back at Adam for a response. He smiled smugly at them all. "It's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit." With that, he walked over to the door and walked out, leaving every equine in the room confused and disturbed. The humans, however, were barely phased. The other five ponies went home after awhile to tend to their duties and lives. After a few hours of discussing what Andre meant when he said "It's just Adam being Adam," Twilight was recuperated enough to think straight. She called the humans together, and somehow that included Adam, who was not supposed to be in the Library. This is why we can't have nice things, Adam. Well, you can't have nice things. I can have almost whatever the fuck I want. BEARD POWERS! "OK, so, after viewing your minds, I have decided that, in order to properly integrate with Equestrian society, you four need to go to Equestion Basic School." This news elicited a few groans and one instance of "broccoli!" from the four humans. "I don't wanna hear it," Twilight said, raising her voice a little. "That is a final decision. Starting Monday, you four will join Rarity's sister in Ms. Cheerilee's class. Understood?" "Yes, ma'am," the all disappointingly replied. "Good. Now if you would all leave, I need to finish up my chores for the day." The humans respected her wish, and quickly departed. Twilight smiled satisfactorily at her actions. She was helping these four lost souls fit in with Equestrian civilization, just as Princess Celestia would want her to. Yep. That's some good work, Twilight. AUTHORS NOTE: Hello, everyone. My name is Morgan Freeman, and I played the part of Andre's inner consciousness. What you read was very interesting indeed. A few things were creepy. Some were depressing, and others were downright hilarious. Now, some of you are wondering how I was able to access Twilight's mind, stop her spell, and transfer pure, raw knowledge between two consciousnesses that are wired in completely different ways. Well, the answer is both complicated and very simple at the same time. You see, ten billion years ago, when the universe was still relatively young, our solar system began to form. Eventually, it swirled together, pulled by gravity into a molten mass whose exterior eventually hardened into the ten thousand meter thick crust we know today. Fast forward a few billion years, and there was a born a healthy little black baby. And that baby did whatever the fuck he wanted, because he was Morgan Freeman. The end.