Edited by:
Blazinblade7
backgroundbrony
“Summer! Wait up!” I called to the galloping unicorn.
She paid me no heed of course, and simply continued to sprint full pelt towards the docks, without even the tiniest shred of a plan to follow. That sounds more like something I’d do than Summer.
That actually worries me more than the fact that she nearly killed someone.
Iron and I were starting to have trouble keeping up with the maddened mare, her anger drove us on far beyond the limits of bipedal speed. I was actually pretty proud that I had managed to keep up so far; my sparring lessons must really be paying off after all.
“Summer! Is this what he would want you to do?” Iron shouted.
This seemed to have an effect on her. In fact, it had a most alarming effect. She suddenly planted her front hooves and swung her entire body around to face us. She was panting heavily in anger and exertion, and her eyes were simultaneously blazing with fury and wet with tears.
It is one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen.
“How dare you bring him up!” She screamed into our faces. “You don’t know him at all! He’s my father and some pirate wannabe bastards have him! What if he’s hurt?! What if he’s dying?!”
“Summer, we’ll get him out, don’t worry, but we can’t just go charging in without a plan. We’d just end up being overwhelmed and locked up with him.”
“Good! Then Ace can break us all out.” She said with a manic little smile.
“Not if they break my arms I can’t.” I interjected in the name of preserving my limbs. “These don’t seem like the sort of guys to just let people go around attacking their bases and getting away with limbs decidedly unbroken.”
“But...but...” Realizing that she had run out of arguments, she took a deep breath and let out a sigh. “Well, what do we do then?”
“First, we find this Thick Skull guy.” Iron said. “Then, we assess the situation and make a plan that won’t mess up after five minutes.” He said this whilst glancing at me.
...no comment.
Okay, apparently my brain has nothing to say on this subject. That’s a first really.
Summer seemed to accept this advice and walked off with Iron by her side, straining all the more to hold back tears now that her anger had gone.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“That stallion really wasn’t lying. That is one big ship...oh, and look! It even has that helmet-wearing skull flag! Neat.”
Iron and I were stood near the docks whilst Summer went to cool down for a minute. By ‘cool down’ I mean that she was in a nearby alleyway kicking the crap out of a brick wall. Some people relax by smoking a pipe, others with Tai Chi. Summer, she seems to prefer violence. Oh well, each to their own.
“You got any ideas for how we actually do this?” Iron asked.
I began to scan the dockyard, my highly evolved tactical brain searching for any possible methods of attack. Thousands of years of human warfare, violence passed on through hundreds of generations, all led to this one moment. My ancestors may well have been mighty warlords or great generals, leaders of men whose tactical cunning could outfox the gods.
“Okay, here’s the plan. See those planks over there? We take them and use them to build a giant wooden pony, which we then hide inside. Then the pirates will be curious as to what it is and will take it inside their ship as a praise to their gods. Then, when night falls, we burst out of the wooden pony and take out the entire ship.”
Heh, I bet nobody in history has ever had a plan that great.
“I call it ‘The Manehatten Horse’ strategy!” I declared triumphantly.
Alexander the Great would be green with envy.
For a moment, Iron seemed to have been struck dumb by the sheer genius of my plan. Eventually he managed to regain his wits and speak.
“That...has got to be the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard. How the hell are we going to build a giant wooden pony? Why would the pirates take it inside their ship? How would it even fit in their ship? I don’t even think they have gods, ponies tend to either be atheist or just worship the Princesses. What if they checked the horse, or set it on fire? Besides, all this would plan would do is get us inside their base, where we would then be surrounded. On all sides. And outnumbered.”
After he had finished stabbing holes straight through my genius plan he stopped and looked over at me, raising one eyebrow expectantly.
“Well, I like it.” I responded.
“Here’s a better plan. Did you see that carpentry shop a little while back...”
I do not like Iron’s plan at all.
I was walking directly towards the pirate’s ship, my coat drawn tight against me and an ornate box clutched firmly in my hands. The ship’s lookouts, which had so far been lazing around looking menacing and generally scaring off any passersby, suddenly perked up as they noticed my current trajectory. Malicious grins appeared on their faces as they both reached down to their sides and drew their cutlasses with their mouths.
I really really don’t like Iron’s plan.
“Shtop wight mhere you arc.” He said, the sword in his mouth messing up his pronunciation of every word.
“...I’m sorry, what?” I said, sounding as meek as I could.
“Shtop wight mhere you arc!” He repeated.
“...Excuse me?”
He spat out the sword and glared at me. “I said: stop right where you are!”
I looked at him, then looked back at the spot where I had originally been when he spoke his first muffled demand. “...Would you like me to move back?”
The stallion sighed as though he were talking to a child. “No, that will be fine. What do you want here, at the ship of the mighty Pirate Lord Thick Skull!”
Well, at least we know we got the right place, then again it’s not like there are many other ships with a pony skull flag. Also, pirate LORD? Who gives a lordship to a pirate? Another pirate maybe?
“Oh, well...erm...I have something to sell to the great Pirate Lord. That is, if he wants it...not that he wouldn’t want it. I mean....he might like it?”
The stallion stared at me for a minute, quite possibly overcome by the sheer brilliance of my Fluttershy impersonation. “I suppose the Captain is always up for a bargain. Though if you disappoint, you could always become his new punching bag.”
“New punching bag?” I asked with an audible gulp.
“Yeah, his old one is some ancient geezer, can’t stand much of a pummeling either. Apparently he used to be some big shot sailor around here, always showing off and humiliating the Captain. Boss sure was happy when the order came down from on high to take that fogey.”
Orders? What kind of pirate takes orders?
“Alright this way.” The stallion said, picking up his sword in his teeth and starting forward. I hesitated and shot a glance behind me, hoping for some reassuring sight of Iron and Summer. Nothing. The stallion, getting impatient, poked me in the back with his sword. “Mhofe ahong.” He mumbled.
“...What?”
The stallion sighed once more and sheathed his sword. “Just...just go already.”
I was lead up the gangplank and onto the main deck, where a wide variety of ruffians and scoundrels were essentially doing busywork, which ranged from lounging about to scrubbing the deck. Many of them looked up and some even sneered at me, presumably trying to scare the little merchant I was pretending to be. True to my character, I cowered away from these individuals, suppressing my urge to make a remark about how bad their breath smelt.
The long-suffering sighing stallion took me all the way to the door to the Captain’s cabin, where he exchanged handling of me to another guard, presumably higher ranked, and explained my purpose here with a few whispered words. The new guard ran a critical eye over me, taking in my skinny frame and thin arms. Evidently he decided that I was no threat and opened the door for me, announcing my presence to his boss. Considering I was now surrounded by the sort of ponies you might imagine if someone said ‘mean, evil bastards’ then that guess wasn’t too far off the mark. The amount of damage that I could cause on my own would be minimal really.
The room I entered was an odd one indeed, as though it were designed by one type of person and then occupied by his complete opposite. Several columns of wood held up the ceiling, securing it in place and ensuring that nobody on the deck above would fall through. These pillars were made of a fine, engraved wood, covered in images of prancing ponies and the flag of Equestria. However, their beauty was slightly ruined by the fact that they had several throwing knives embedded in them and two of the well-carved pillars had an ugly hammock thrown up between them. The room also had a large wooden desk near the huge window, which occupied most of the back wall. The desk was as beautiful as the pillars, although it lacked the engravings. Here, the occupant had attempted to continue the carpenters work, perhaps believing something to be slightly lacking, by carving a variety of rude words into the top of the desk with a large knife. The window too, designed to give the captain a wide and awe-inspiring view of the sea as they travelled, was covered in a plethora of pictures of mares in what I can only presume to be provocative poses. Pony porn, how wonderfully crude.
Sitting in a large chair behind the desk, and carving something undoubtedly vulgar into it with a hoof-blade, was a large crimson stallion, his dark red coat wild and unwashed, perfectly matching his greasy black hair. His tongue was stuck out of one side of his mouth as he focused all of his incredible intellect on the conundrum of how to spell the word ‘wanker’. As I got closer I noticed, with some depression, that he had decided to spell it with a ‘c’.
In the name of both Swift Storm and the English Language, this guy is going to pay.
“Oy! Who’s ‘dis wanker?” He shouted, finally noticing my presence and apparently not hearing the guard announce me earlier. The same guard repeated his earlier statement, understanding slowly growing in his boss’s puny brain.
“So, youse ‘ere to sell me sometin’?” He slurred out, his butchery of the spoken word continuing.
Damn...I can’t insult him. Stupid plan, stupid disguise.
“Erm...Yes sir, yes indeed. I am a trader from across the seas. I hear that you are a stallion of...” I had to mentally prepare myself for the next lie. “Wisdom and great strength.”
As I said this, Thick Skull nodded, smiled and flexed one of his biceps, appreciating the rippling muscle with a look of such love that it bordered on the perverse. I was honestly confused whether or not I should continue or give him and his muscles some alone time. I chose to plow on though, before he could think about taking his biceps out to dinner and perhaps getting his triceps involved to make it a threesome.
“Yes...erm, well I found this artifact in my homeland, Texas, and escaped here to Equestria to sell it. Unfortunately, nopony has had the bravery to buy it from me. However, I can see that you are a stallion of foresight and knowledge.” I had to restrain from retching as this lie burnt my mouth. “Who would undoubtedly put the Arc of Norris to great use.”
“An wha’ exactly is ‘dis Arc of Borris t’ing?”
“Long ago, there was a great hero who went by the name of Norris. Legend says that he could walk on water and swim through land, that he could stop a blade using only his beard. When he did push-ups, he actually just pushed the world down and the only reason that the sun and the moon move is because he gave them a stern warning once and they’ve never dared to stop. Apparently, he once died and Death was too scared to go tell him of the fact, so he essentially became immortal.” A normal human being would have grown bored pretty soon of all these terrible Chuck Norris jokes. Thick Skull, however, was practically eating them all up, so I chose to continue. “Eventually, he decided that he must leave this world, lest the sheer power of his presence shatter the earth we stand upon. He placed a large portion of his power, contained within his beard, into this box and then departed, to go kick the collective behinds of every demon in hell. I have found his treasure and now offer it to you, for the small price of 20,000 gold pieces.”
“Tat’s quite tha’ tale but I gots a small question. Why should I botha payin’ youse?” With that, he leapt over the desk and struck me once in the chest with his forehoof. I tumbled back obligingly and dropped the box conveniently at his hooves.
He gave a dark little chuckle and picked it up in his mouth, trotting back behind his desk and setting is prize upon it. Slowly, with a look of intense greed in his eyes, he began to reach towards the box to open it.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I warned him in vain.
“Yeah? But ya’ not me though, which is why youse is on tha’ floor in pain and I’ms about to become immortal. Then, Gang Plank wonts be able to boss me about anymore. I’ll be the big Pirate King and he’ll ‘ave to obey me!”
He flung the box open, his face alight with a burning hunger and greed as he prepared to welcome the gift of almighty power. He didn’t get that of course. What he instead welcomed was a spring loaded wood-carved fist to the face, the small gem embedded in the fist lit from within by wild magic as it crashed into Thick Skull’s namesake. The moment the wooden fist connected, the gem exploded outwards as all of its energy was released in a single titanic blast, sending Thick Skull hurtling backwards, screaming in pain and fury.
Right through his window and out of the ship.
I probably should have told him that Chuck Norris keeps another fist beneath his beard.
I got up off of the floor and calmly walked around the desk, admiring the craftsmanship of the simple spring mechanism and the wooden fist. That carpenter pony had been brilliant, especially once we told him what we needed it for. Then once Summer had added her little ‘upgrade’ it had gone from a hilarious prank to a deadly trap.
Of course any moment the guards should come bursting in after hearing all the commotion, but Iron said that he and Summer would see to them whilst I moved onto the next part of the plan. Suddenly, there was a large crash from outside, followed by the deep boom of thunder and a multitude of panicked shouts. Ah, that must be them now.
I looked down at the multiple drawers of the desk in front of me, wondering where I should begin my search, when I noticed that Thick Skull had carved a little reminder into each of them. Quickly finding the one labeled ‘Da Keys’ I yanked it open and retrieved said item from inside, a large ring of simple iron keys.
Swiftly crossing the room, I poked my head out the door and noticed that all the pirates, guards included, were crowded around the front edge of the ship, all of their backs to me. I also noticed the sheer amount of devastation that had been done to the ship, presumably the effects of Summer's wrath. Silently, I crept across the deck and down the stairs that led to the brig and cargo area. As I did so, my thoughts drifted back to Thick Skull, particularly the image of him screaming as he was shot out to sea by an explosive fist to the face.
That image is going to amuse me so much for a very long time.
Chuckling quietly, I stepped down into the dark of the ships underbelly...