"SCORPION!" A ninja wearing a blue tunic stormed through the bowels of Shao Kahn's castle, shouting at the top of his lungs. "Come out and fight like a man!" he demanded.
After ten minutes of stomping up and down the castle halls, the blue ninja came upon the green ninja from Kahn's ship playing solitaire in a dark room. "You mussst ssstop ssscreaming ssso, Sssub-Zero," the green ninja chastised his counterpart. "You're making enough noissse to wake the dead."
"That's exactly what I intend!" Sub-Zero thundered, turning and staring down the green ninja. "Where is that soulless punk Scorpion, anyway? He was supposed to meet me for a Scrabble match over an hour ago!"
"He hasss been defeated," the green ninja informed Sub-Zero.
"Baloney!" Sub-Zero declared, glaring at the green ninja.
"It isss true," the green ninja insisted. "I heard Ssshang Tsssng complaining about it at lunch - the lazy sssorcerer wasss griping about walking all the way to the beach and not being able to collect a sssoul."
"Don't toy with me, Reptile," Sub-Zero threatened. "You know how I feel about someone meddling with my Scrabble matches."
"Ssserpent's honor," Reptile pledged. "Sssee for yourself." He pointed to a large JCPenney bag sitting in the opposite corner of the room, full of shreds of yellow fabric. "They brought back what wasss left of Ssscorpion in a ssshopping bag," he explained
"What?" Sub-Zero exclaimed. "That's not possible! How could he lose in the first freaking round?" He paced back and forth for a moment while he mulled over the news. "So much for buying that new dictionary..." he muttered to himself.
"Kano wasss beaten today as well," Reptile added.
"Big surprise," Sub-Zero replied sarcastically. "Every tournament that fool swears he's finally going to beat Sonya, and every tournament Sonya cleans his clock in the first round. I'm beginning to wonder why Kahn keeps that loser on staff."
"Hisss record is no worssse than yoursss," Reptile reminded Scorpion (conveniently leaving out the fact that he himself had never won anything either). "Besssides...he did not lossse to Sssonya."
"Wait...what?" Sub-Zero wheeled on Reptile at the revelation. "But he always fights Sonya in the first round! Who'd that dope lose to this time?"
"He lossst..." Reptile declared, pausing for effect, "...to one of the poniesss."
"No way!" Sub-Zero burst out laughing. "He lost to a horse that's half his size?" He shook his head at the thought. "Which one beat him? Wait, let me guess - it was that wimpy-looking yellow one, wasn't it?"
"No," Reptile corrected Sub-Zero. "It wasss the prisssy unicorn with the feathery hat."
"Ha!" Sub-Zero let loose with a huge belly laugh. "The fashion pony beat him? That's hilarious! Oh, I am never going to let him live that one down!"
"Thisss isss no laughing matter, Sssub-Zero," Reptile cautioned. "Goro lossst to a pony as well."
"Pshaw," Sub-Zero proclaimed. "That four-armed freak is all bark and no bite. I saw that one coming a mile away."
"Perhapsss," Reptile countered, "but it wasss the rainbow one that beat Ssscorpion."
"Get outta here!" Sub-Zero challenged. "If Scorpion ever lost to a stupid pony, I'd..."
"Did you sssee the rainbow cloud thisss morning?" Reptile inquired.
"Yeah...?" Sub-Zero acknowledged. "So?"
"That wasss Ssscorpion'sss death knell," Reptile revealed.
"Really?" Sub-Zero looked back at what was left of Scorpion. "Impossible..." he muttered.
"It appearsss thessse poniesss are much more formidable than they appear," Reptile commented.
"Harrumph!" Sub-Zero declared. "We'll see how tough they really are. If they dare step into the ring with me, I'll put them..." Sub-Zero paused, fished a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket, and put them on. "...on ice," he concluded.
Reptile rolled his eyes, then checked his watch. "It isss almossst time for the primetime match," he announced. "Ssshall we go and watch?"
"Why not?" Sub-Zero decided. "I've got an opening in my schedule, thanks to a certain someone pulling the choke job of the century against a candy-colored sideshow."
The two ninjas made their way to the castle exit. "I hope NBC won the broadcassst rightsss for the tournament," Reptile offered. "I'm a huge fan of Bob Cossstasss..."
"Grrr!" Pinkie Pie growled into a mirror hanging on the wall in the ponies' hut.
"Are you quite finished with that mirror?" Rarity asked, slightly irritated at having to wait. "My mane is in desperate need of some TLC!"
"What exactly are you doing, anyway?" Twilight asked Pinkie Pie.
"I'm working on my fierce face!" Pinkie answered. "Every wrestler needs a good fierce face!" She turned back to the mirror and made another face. "Hmm...something's missing here..." she observed, scratching her chin. "I know! Eyeblack! I need eyeblack!" With that, she turned and raced out of the hut.
Twilight sighed. "I'm worried about her," she admitted, using her magic to bring a book up to her face. "According to The Pony's Guide to Maretial Arts, a fighter needs to be dedicated, disciplined, and focused...none of which describe Pinkie."
"Aw, don't worry about her," Applejack offered. "Pinkie can be a real bear to handle when she sets her mind to it. You remember meetin' 'Pinkamena,' don't you?"
"Point taken," Twilight conceded, "but this isn't a party we're taking about. Her life could be at stake!"
"Chillax, would you, Twilight?" Rainbow encouraged. "I mean, if Rarity can win against these guys, Pinkie'll dominate them!"
"And just what are you implying?" Rarity inquired, turning to face Rainbow Dash.
"Um...that a pony who's more worried about getting dirty than getting beat could only win if the opponent was a total tomato can?" Rainbow clarified, with her usual tact.
"And I suppose you are the model fighter!" Rarity retorted. "You only won because Twilight told you how!"
Twilight facehooved as Rainbow Dash and Rarity continued arguing. "Come on, girls!" she implored. "You're on the same team!"
"MWAH HA HA HA!" A wicked laugh caused every pony in the hut to jump (except Fluttershy, who pulled out her time-honored 'fainting goat' pose). "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" an evil voice proclaimed.
Twilight looked over toward the hut entrance to see Pinkie Pie, who had eschewed her eyeblack in favor of a dark blue mask, standing in the light. "Pinkie!" she shouted. "What are you trying to do, scare us to death?"
"Did you like it?" Pinkie Pie asked, reverting to her normal voice. "I'm thinking of using it as my entrance tonight! I was originally thinking I should play the hero of the fight, but now I'm thinking being the heel would be more fun!"
"Look, Pinkie," Twilight explained, "I know you like to have fun with everything you do, but you have to take this fight seriously! We have to win this tournament to save the fillies!"
"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie Pie declared, patting the unicorn on the head, "don't you worry about mean ol' Shao Kahn and his army of do-badders - 'The Masked Pink' has got it all under control! We're gonna put on a real show tonight!"
"Why does that not fill me with confidence?" Twilight muttered.
"Don't worry - this will get you in the mood!" With that, Pinkie leaped up onto a table and burst into song, as the sound of a eight-piece band suddenly filled the air:
The stars will be out!
The stage will be set!
This will be a bat-tle
No one will forget!
Whoever we fight
In less than a blink-ee
They'll have to bow down
Before the great Pink-ie...
"This will not end well..." Twilight commented.
"You have a pot to sell?" Applejack inquired, trying to listen over the sound of the band. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Twilight could only sigh in response.
The scene opened with a shot of the beach as the sun sank low in the sky. "Sun, surf, and sand - a peaceful backdrop for tonight's violent affair!" announced an off-camera broadcaster. "It's that time of year again, folks, as Shao Kahn has once again emerged from the Outworld to challenge the Earth to a winner-take-all grudge match, and only a small band of intrepid heroes stand in the way of Kahn's never-ending quest to conquer the planet!"
The scene switched to a head shot of a bespectacled man wearing a tie and holding a microphone. "Good evening, everyone," the man continued, "I'm Joe Buck, welcoming you to the latest edition of the Mortal Kombat tournament! Tonight, we bring you the first of our primetime matchups between the forces of good and evil as they battle for control of the world!" He turned to the mustachioed man standing beside him. "I'd also like to welcome in my partner, world-famous wrestler and reality-TV star Hulk Hogan! Now, Hulk, our viewers sitting at home might think this is the same old story, with Shang Tsung and Liu Kang and what have you, but this time Kahn's added something extra to the mix."
"You got that right, brother!" Hulk agreed. "This time around, a small group of talking horses - you heard me right, dudes - have entered the big dance, and taken the tournament by storm! I tell ya, Joe, these fillies are fast, furious, and ferocious! Watching a group of underdogs come in and take no prisoners like these gals have really gets the Hulkster's blood pumping!"
"Lest you think this is just a dog-and-pony show from the Outworld emperor," Joe pointed out, "these ponies have gone 3-0 in their matches already, and have triumphed over some seasoned MK veterans. They're going for their fourth consecutive victory here tonight, but rest assured that this will not be a cakewalk."
Standing twenty feet behind the TV crew, Reptile and Sub-Zero looked on as the announcers began breaking down the night's matchup. "Cursssed Rupert Murdoch..." Reptile muttered.
"Hmph!" Sub-Zero snorted. "Here come those ponies now."
At the far side of the arena, Rainbow Dash leaped into the air and took in the action from an aerial view, while Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight pushed their way through the crowd to sit ringside. "Where'd Spike go?" Twilight asked.
"He went to get some snacks at the concession stand," Applejack revealed. "He said somethin' about cravin' a gem lollipop."
"That makes sense," Twilight conceded, "but what about Fluttershy?"
"I left her at the hut," Applejack admitted. "I was gettin' tired of draggin' her around."
Twilight shook her head, then looked over at Rarity, who had donned a formal dress for the occasion. "Okay, I'll bite," she decided. "What's with the dress?"
Rarity scowled at the casual attire of those around her. "Well, I had assumed that the evening brouhaha would be a formal occasion," she explained, "but it seems I was mistaken. Still, I prefer not to be caught underdressed when the eyes of the world are upon us."
"On us?" Twilight stifled a laugh. "Everypony's here to watch the fight - they're not looking at us." Twilight turned and looked back towards the ring, completely oblivious to the fact that twenty-five cameras from sixteen different networks were trained on her and her friends at that very moment.
From his spot in the crowd, Johnny Cage certainly noticed which way the cameras were pointing. "Look at this," he spat in disgust. "A famous, eloquent, photogenic movie star is in the house, and every freaking camera in the place is watching the dumb little horses. Where's the justice in that?"
Liu Kang gave Johnny a funny look. "What is with you all today?" he asked. "First Sonya gets upset over Kano losing..."
"WAHHH!" Sonya whined.
"...and now you complain about having to cede the spotlight a little," Liu Kang continued. "You are both aware of the fact the ponies are on our side, right?"
"Here's what I'm aware of," Johnny declared. "I'm aware that my agent is trying to score me a megadeal with Warner Brothers. I'm aware that my net worth is directly correlated to the amount of time my face shows up on TV. I'm aware that I have consistently been the guy who brings in the ratings at these primetime fights...and now, I'm aware that I'm being upstaged by some half-wit equine that bakes cookies for a living!"
"And various other pastries," Liu Kang reminded his friend. "But in all seriousness, guys...aren't you taking this just a little bit too seriously?"
"Easy for you to say," Sonya sniffled. "Wait until Twinleaf Speckly Butt gets a shot at Shang Tsung before you."
Liu Kang sighed, shook his head, and decided not to push the matter.
"Ladies and gentleman!" a voice boomed, causing the crowd to quiet down and turn towards a tuxedo-clad announcer standing in the center of the ring. "It's time for tonight's final bout of the evening, so let's get ready to rumble!"
As the crowd erupted in cheers, Twilight cast a glance up at Shao Kahn's private box, where the tournament mastermind sat high above the crowd. Noticing the pony's gaze, Shao Kahn broke out his most evil smile in return, sending a chill down the filly's back.
"In this corner," the announcer proclaimed, gesturing towards one side of the ring, "a feared outlaw from the streets of Ponyville, wanted all across the world for breaking the laws of physics...give it up for Notorious P.D.P!"
The crowd went crazy as Pinkie Pie, now wearing a cape and mask right out of Nacho Libre, bounced her way into the circle. "Hey there, everypony!" she shouted to the crowd. "Who's ready to get this party started?"
"And in this corner," the announcer went on, "the only fighter in the history of the world who comes with a warning from the Surgeon General...let's hear it for Smoke!"
At the sound of the name, a large puff of smoke suddenly appeared across from Pinkie Pie, quickly dissipating to reveal a ninja dressed in a silver tunic. "Say your prayers, pony," Smoke proclaimed, "for your chances of winning this match are about to go up in smoke!"
Reptile gagged on the wordplay. "Ssshowoff..." he muttered.
"Combatants ready?" the announcer inquired.
"Yes indeedy!" Pinkie Pie confirmed.
"Of course," Smoke agreed.
"Very well!" the announcer announced. "FIGHT!"
"YYYAAAHHH!" Smoke screamed and charged his opponent. Pinkie Pie, however, didn't even flinch, choosing to gaze intently at her attacker.
"Pinkie!" Twilight shouted from the sidelines. "Do something!"
As Smoke closed in, a small smile began to spread across Pinkie's face. The smile turned into a snicker...then a chuckle...then a chortle...then a giggle...then a guffaw. Finally, Pinkie Pie could no longer contain herself, and she burst out laughing.
Taken aback by the pony's reaction, Smoke stopped and stared at Pinkie Pie. "What are you laughing at?" he demanded.
"That was going to be my question, actually," Rarity remarked to Twilight. "What is she doing out there?"
Twilight facehooved. "What she always does," she replied. "You know - cracking up at the creepy, chortling at the kooky, etc., etc."
"AH HA HA HA!" Pinkie Pie continued, now rolling on the ground with laughter.
Smoke began pouring out of Smoke's ears. "Stop that!" he ordered. "I hate, hate, hate it when people laugh at me!"
A light went off in Twilight's brain. "Oh yeah?" she taunted Smoke from the audience. "I'm surprised you're not used to being laughed at - you're so goofy looking, you could play a clown without needing any makeup!"
This got a few more audience members chuckling. "Who said that?" Smoke shouted, scanning the crowd for the heckler.
Twilight used her magic to teleport to another section of the crowd. "What's the matter? Can't take the heat?" she teased. "Heck, the Surgeon General should just put your face on the side of cigarette cartons - you'd even make Joe Camel quit cold turkey!"
A few more laughs went up from the crowd (including Johnny Cage and Sonya). "Enough! Stop hiding like a pansy, and face me like a man!" Smoke screamed, unaware that his tormentor wasn't a human at all.
Twilight teleported to another spot. "I'd like to," she explained, "but you're so ugly, I'm afraid if I looked you in the eye, I'd turn to stone!" Even Reptile had to smile at that zinger.
"Quit it!" Smoke raged, placing his hands on his head in frustration. "I mean it!"
"What are ya, a wimp?" "What hole did Kahn dig you out of?" "My mother-in-law's more powerful than you, and better lookin', too!" Slowly but surely, the crowd began to turn on Smoke, laughing and taunting him as his temper flared.
From his seat, Liu Kang could only smile as he watched Twilight's strategy take shape. "Seriously," he chimed in, "who died and made you a combatant? You're nothing but a lazy palette swap of Sub-Zero!"
Sub-Zero stifled a laugh. "It's so true..." he agreed.
"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Smoke screeched, hopping up and down in a rage. "I am not a cheap character clone! I am a real character, with my own special moves and everything!"
The audience began booing Smoke with full force. "The home crowd is really letting Smoke have it right now!" Joe Buck narrated. "He's going to have to work doubly hard to take them out of the game!"
"This is where we find out if this guy's got the heart of a champion, brother!" Hulk proclaimed. "The great ones thrive under this kind of pressure!"
Twilight teleported back to her original seat, but was met with several confused stares upon her return. "Darling, what are you doing?" Rarity questioned.
"That guy's as mad as a honeybee with a hemorrhoid problem!" Applejack pointed out. "He's really gonna let Pinkie have it now!"
Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, was too busy blowing a raspberry at Smoke and telling him how lame he looked.
"Don't you see?" Twilight pointed to where Smoke was melting down in the ring. "We've made him self-conscious and insecure - he'll never be able to fight now! Pinkie'll win for sure!"
"I dunno, Twilight," Spike offered. "He looks like he's about to explode or something."
Meanwhile, Smoke seethed under the weight of the crowd's ire. "This...this is all your fault!" he announced, pointing an accusatory finger at Pinkie Pie, who had just now climbed back to her feet. "I'm going to make you feel so much pain that....RRAGH!" Smoke was too angry to finish his sentence, and he charged Pinkie Pie in a rage.
Twilight's jaw dropped as Smoke began pounding on Pinkie Pie with all his might. "Oh no!" she wailed. "This wasn't supposed to happen!"
"And Smoke unleashes a flurry of blows against his opponent!" Joe exclaimed. "...But they don't seem to be having any effect!"
It was true: While Pinkie's body deformed with every blow, it quickly snapped back into shape after the fist or foot was pulled away. It was as if Smoke was fighting a giant stress ball. "Hee hee!" Pinkie Pie giggled. "That tickles!"
"What...the...heck?" Smoke gasped in between attacks. "Is...this...even...possible?"
"This is incredible!" Hulk gushed. "To stand in there and take that kind of punishment...that's what I call stamina, heart, will, desire, and guts, brother!"
Finally, after several minutes of futility, Smoke reared back with all his might and threw the most devastating punch he could muster, connecting with the end of Pinkie Pie's nose and shoving it back into her face. "Hah!" he declared, relieved that this dent had stayed in place after he pulled back. "Try recovering from that, pony!"
The smile never left Pinkie's face. "Okey dokey lokey!" she said with a shrug. She took a deep breath, stuck one of her front hooves in her mouth, and started blowing like she was inflating a balloon. As Smoke stood by slack-jawed, Pinkie reinflated her nose with a mere three breaths. "All done!" she declared.
"Huh...wha...how...how did you do that?" an exasperated Smoke asked.
"Oh, it was easy!" Pinkie Pie explained. "See, I met this bunny once, and he had gotten lost on his way to Albuquerque and needed directions, and he kept calling me Doc for some reason, which was just silly since I've only got a masters degree, but my second cousin went to med school - she's really smart - and we sorta look alike, except I'm pink and she's more of a light-reddish dark-pinkish color, sort of like Big Macintosh except less red..."
The crowd grew silent as Pinkie Pie went off on a long-winded story about horse colors and house calls and mouse ears and corn ears and Korn and Nickelback and quarterbacks and Quarter Pounders and quantum physics and...by the ten minute mark, everyone in the crowd had either fallen asleep or stuffed their ears full of whatever was available (the concession stand ran out of cotton candy by minute four) to block out the sound.
"And Pinkie Pie unleashes her secret weapon: her gift of gab!" Joe announced. "But she'd better be careful - she's coming awfully close to violating the Geneva Convention!"
While the TV crew had shut off their ringside mics to spare their viewers from the carnage, Smoke had no such luxury. "AAAHHH!!!" he screamed in agony, unable to block the sound. "I'm begging you - make it stop! Please!"
Sensing another opportunity, Twilight grabbed the heaviest-looking of Spike's gem lollipops from his hand using her magic. "Hey!" Spike objected. "I was saving that for tomorrow!"
Twilight tossed the lollipop over to where Smoke was cowering on his knees. "Quick!" she instructed. "Use this to knock yourself unconscious!"
Smoke quickly snatched up the gem and starting banging it against his head for all he was worth. Five self-inflicted head shots later, he fell senseless to the ground.
"That's it!" the announcer shouted. "He's out!"
"Huh?" Pinkie Pie suddenly realized her intended audience wasn't listening anymore. "Aw..." she muttered. "I was just about to tell him the story of how I got my cutie mark!"
An eerie silence fell over the crowd, and all eyes turned to Shao Kahn's private box. "What's goin' on?" Applejack asked.
"I don't know," Twilight admitted, "but it can't be good."
Shao Kahn stood up and gazed down upon the action. "Well, well...it appears we have our second flawless victory of the tournament," he offered. Faking a scowl, he turned and glared at Smoke. "Revive him," he dictated.
"Comin' through!" Shing Tsung pushed his way through the crowd and into the ring, carrying a large pail of water. "What a dope," he commented. "I mean, a flawless victory...for a pony? I mean, at least Kano managed to cut the thing's tail off..."
"REVIVE HIM, NOW!" Kahn thundered from his suite.
"Yipes! Yes, sir!" Shing saluted in the direction of Kahn's box, then unceremoniously dumped his pail of water on the fallen warrior.
"GAH!" Smoke came to with a start. "What the...what happened? Is it over?"
"Hey Smoke," Shing Tsung asked, "what's soaking wet and clueless?"
"What are you talking about?" Smoke shot back.
Shing wound up for the punch line. "Your face!" he declared, laughing at his own joke. "You see what I did there? I mean, I had to dump the water on you, so I..." Shing's comment was met with crickets from the audience. "Well, I mean, I thought it was funny," Shing muttered, as he walked out of the ring.
"Now then, Miss Pie..." Shao Kahn instructed, "FINISH HIM!" The order brought the loudest cheer yet from the crowd.
"Finish him?" Pinkie Pie scratched her chin for a moment. "What to do, what to do..." Suddenly, her face brightened up. "I know!"
"I don't care what she does!" Smoke declared. "It can't be any worse than that motormouth junk she was spewing..." His sentence trailed off and his eyes bugged out as Pinkie Pie whipped out a cannon from behind her back. "Me and my big mouth..." he whimpered.
"It's party time!" Pinkie Pie announced, aiming her cannon at Smoke. "P-A-R-T-why? Because I gotta!"
BOOM! The crowd gasped as Pinkie Pie fired her weapon. When the smoke cleared, Smoke was once again sprawled out on the ground, but this time he was covered in a table cloth, with a boombox balanced on his stomach, three balloons tied to each of his hands, and a slice of cake stuffed in his mouth. "That...bad...so...wasn't," he offered, his voice muffled by the frosting.
"Pinkie Pie wins!" the announcer shouted. "Partality!"
Pinkie Pie bounced over and cranked up the boombox. "C'mon, everypony," she encouraged, "it's time to get your groove on!"
From his box, Shao Kahn grinned evilly as the fight morphed into a dance party. "It seems these ponies have some skills after all," he mused. "Perhaps they will come in handy someday..."
"Boo yah!" Celestia leaped up from her couch and started dancing around the room. "My ponies win again, my ponies win again..." she sang.
Raiden watched Celestia gloat with a mixture of bewilderment and irritation. "Okay, fine," he admitted, as he watched Joe Buck sign off from the island, "so your ponies are actually winning matches and exceeding my wildest expectations. Keep in mind, however, that this is only the first round - they haven't really done anything yet. The toughest matches are still to come."
"Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy!" Celestia replied. "You need to stop being so grim about life and start enjoying things, you know what I mean?" She offered Raiden another bowl of popcorn. "How about another movie? I've got Moneyball on DVR, five more bags of popcorn to pop, and one sister to boss around and make her pop it..."
"No thanks," Raiden declined, as he stood up. "I'm needed in the office tomorrow." He walked over to the door, then stopped and offered one last thought. "You may be all-powerful," he remarked, "but remember that Kahn runs the show on that island. Mark my words: He's already got a plan in place to deal with those ponies."
"So what?" Celestia responded. "It'll just make things more dramatic in the end, that's all."
"I just hope your student and her friends can handle it," Raiden concluded ominously, "for their own sake."