//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Horses can't breathe through their mouths // Story: Dr. McNinja goes on an Equestrian Adventure // by Mysterious Stranger //------------------------------// Bright daylight shined into Dr. McNinja's eyes like a sadistic child with a flashlight. Having no desire to get up, the ninja doctor burrowed his face further into his heated white pillow. Suddenly his eyes snapped open as he realized that he did not own a heated white pillow. In fact, he wasn't even sure that heated pillows had ever been invented. Heated blankets sure, but pillows? Now fully awakened by the conundrum, Dr. McNinja shot up to his feet only to realize that his clothes were wet and covered in mud, presumably from the embankment he had been lying in. A quick study of his surroundings revealed a waterfall flowing down the side of a mountain directly behind him, fields beyond the bank of the river, and a very pillow-like white alicorn at his feet. "Oh hey! My stethoscope!" Dr. McNinja said happily as he spotted the medical instrument lying in the mud. A quick dip into the river was all it took to make the device worthy of adorning his neck once again. When he turned around again he noticed Princess Celestia had woken up and was staring at him. Dr. McNinja stared back, and for several awkward seconds he held her gaze. "What?" he asked after he could take it no longer. "I'm trying to figure out what you are," Princess Celestia replied evenly. "What's to figure? I'm a ninja and a doctor. It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp." "I got that part. What I don't know is what kind of creature you are. I've been alive for over three thousand years and I've never seen anything like you or your—" "Um, Doc?" Gordito interrupted from a few feet away. He was standing over Princess Luna and looked worried. "Yes, Gordito?" "I don't think she's breathing." "Luna!" Princess Celestia cried out in alarm as she jumped to her hooves. "I got this! I'm a doctor!" Dr. McNinja said as he rushed over to Princess Luna and studied her closely. "Yep, she drowned." "Can't you perform CPR or something?!" Princess Celestia said desperately. "That's what I'm doing," Dr. McNinja said as he knelt down while forming a tube with one hand over Princess Luna's nostrils and holding her mouth closed with the other. "I thought CPR was mouth to mouth?" Gordito asked. "Not with horses. They don't breath through their mouths," Dr. McNinja said quickly. "Now shut up and apply pressure to her side while I do this." "What do you mean we don't breath through our mouths?!" demanded Princess Celestia as Dr. McNinja blew into his curled hand. If horses couldn't breathe through their mouths, then they wouldn't be able to talk, obviously. Briefly she considered trying to stop him since he clearly didn't know anything about equine anatomy. He hadn't even removed his mask for the CPR, for goodness sake. But before she could act, Luna coughed up water and began gasping for air. "First time's the charm!" Dr. McNinja said gleefully. "Another life has been saved by science!" "That," Princess Luna gagged as she sat up, "Was a most unpleasant experience." Princess Celestia sat down beside her younger sister and threw her forelegs around her in a tight hug. Once satisfied, she turned her attention back to Dr. McNinja. "Thank you for saving my sister," Princess Celestia said. "But where did you get the idea that horses can't breathe through their mouths?" "They can't from where I'm from." Dr. McNinja shrugged. "It's science." "Pray tell, how do horses talk where thou art from if air does not pass through their mouths?" asked Princess Luna. "They don't." Both of the royal alicorns waited for him to explain further, but Dr. McNinja didn't bother to elaborate. "So are we going to go back up there and mop the floor with Sparklelord or what?" Gordito said. "I'm not sure that we can, he's done something that prevents me from using magic." Princess Celestia frowned. "However, I have a student that may be able to help deal with this... Sparklelord. She doesn't live too far from here." "Is she an elf?" Gordito asked hopefully. "Um, no, she's a unicorn. What's an elf?" asked Princess Celestia. "They're like humans, except they have pointy ears," Gordito said as he pointed to the sides of his head. "So... thou art a human then, since thy ears are rounded?" Princess Luna said. "We both are," said Dr. McNinja, sensing an opportunity for proper introductions. "I'm Dr. McNinja, and this is my sidekick, Gordito." "A pleasure to meet you both, although the circumstances are less than ideal." Princess Celestia said. "I'm Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Princess Luna. Now if I may ask, how do you know the unicorn that attacked our castle?" ******************************************* Sparklelord wandered through the battered halls of his self-proclaimed new home. He was still irritated that Dr. McNinja and those two mares had escaped him, but the scene of burning pieces of debris and rubble had a calming effect on his mind. Mindless destruction was truly a beautiful thing. Not for the first time, Sparklelord was amazed to think that there had once been a time when he was appalled by destruction. What a fortune it was that someone had opened his eyes to how glorious it truly was so many eons ago. Every now and then as he walked, Sparklelord would spot a small horse in the corner of his vision before they ran off. They were a puzzle, those horses. They were the size of ponies, yet their faces wore the experience of grown stallions and mares. The only exception had been those two alicorns he had sensed so much power from after he came out of the portal. But now they were most likely dead, along with Dr. McNinja and that little tag along of his. Sparklelord would have preferred that they died at his hooves, but that could hardly be helped now. Sparklelord came upon a door, blew it up, and walked through to see what was on the other side. He was now outside of the palace in some sort of garden with tall shrubberies, slow moving streams, and statues on stone pedestals. It was disgustingly tidy and clean. Out of spite, Sparklelord pointed his horn at a statue of a bearded unicorn wearing a wizard's cap and caused it to spontaneously combust. Laughing madly, Sparklelord trotted around the garden for repeat performances, earning himself a shiver of ecstasy every time another statue was reduced to dust. Just as he was about to destroy another one, Sparklelord paused. That one statue in particular looked familiar. The demented unicorn slowly approached it, his mind scarcely daring to believe what his eyes were telling him. But no, the resemblance was unmistakable. A lion's paw, a horse's head, a dragon's wing, a goat's horn, and many other characteristics that could only represent one being in all of Radical Land. "Discord," Sparklelord whispered in awe. "My god, my maker."