Dead Ponies Don't Wear Plaid

by JohnnyNorthrain


Velvet Octave

Butter Brickle’s ice cream shop had an unforgettable name. The sign on the wall had a pony dressed as a clown being tickled with a triple scoop sugar cone. When I say tickled I mean it literally had a clown pony painted on the wall with a triple scoop sugar cone being jammed in its front legpit and the expression on the clown’s face was somewhere between amusement and absolute sugar induced horror. Brickle’s Tickle was just as strange on the inside. Polka dots lined the walls and every tile on the floor was a different color. I had no idea that some of those shades could even exist. It looked like somepony had diced up Rainbow Dash and scattered her remains on the ground.
Butter Brickle and his employees were wearing rainbow wigs to add to the illusion that somehow eating ice cream and other treats here was fun. If I had been a kid of about ten years old I might have thought that it was great but being thirty I couldn’t help feeling that this pony was overreaching. The patrons seemed to enjoy it and there was a small line of ponies waiting for dessert. Lyra went ahead of me in the line and I stood chest and head taller than any other pony.
I took my time looking over the flavors and their comical names. Some of them were easy puns such as cookie dough snow which had marshmallows mixed in. Others just made no sense such as sangria see ya. I settled on something easy from the myriad of fifty or so choices. Lyra ordered two scoops of mint chocolate chip and I ordered one of pralines and cream. I paid for the treats then slipped a note to the cashier. We sat at a table in the center of the establishment and started the luxurious task of licking the ice cream.
One hot summer back in Chicago I’d had better ice cream at the fair. This was a very close second in texture and taste though. Brickle definitely knew how to make a tasty mix of cream, sugar and fillers. It was not long before the master of clowns himself came trotting over to the table. I bit down the rest of my cone and Lyra kept the long tongue licks on hers. When I motioned to a seat Butter Brickle took off his wig and sat down looking between the two of us.
“So what’s this about? I get a note saying that you are interested in firearms?” He raised a brow looking at me.
“I was told that a Brickle could set me up with something special.” I folded my arms across my chest.
“Who told you that?” He asked.
“Somepony who wishes to remain anonymous. I’ve got an old pistol and I wanted to get something more accommodating.”
“Sorry, I can’t help you.” He stood from the table
“Wait,” Lyra licked her lips clean then resumed speaking. “I want to put in a special order and money is no object.”
“I’m not the Brickle you are looking for. Wish I could help you both but as you see we just sell desserts here.” He turned from the table.
“My name’s Johnny Northrain. We’ll be in town for a couple days. If you know anyone that can help us I’d appreciate it if you pass on my card to them.” I pulled one of the business cards from my pocket that read Heartstrings & Northrain attached to a small pouch with bits inside.
“Well…” He looked over his shoulder and thought for a moment. “I’m not the only Brickle in Manehattan. I have a brother that may be able to point you in the right direction.” He snatched the card and the bits from my hand. “You’ll hear from him soon. Where are you staying?” Butter Brickle put his wig back on and smiled to a new customer that entered.
“We don’t have a place yet, I’ll drop by tomorrow and see if there’s any development.”
With a nod he turned to greet the new customers and resume his business. I followed Lyra outside to the street with the taste of pecans and caramel on my lips. Butter Brickle had not been a dead end. I couldn’t fault the pony for being cautious but he had connections and soon word would get around the city that a human was looking for a gun. Somepony would find me since I stood out like a sore thumb.
There was laughter coming from further up the street. I turned my attention towards it and stopped cold. There was human woman in a red dress walking with several ponies and laughing at their jokes. I watched as she entered a night club with her entourage. I turned and dropped to one knee in front of my partner.
“Did you just see that woman up there? I’m not the only one left in Equestria.” I looked back to the night club.
“The only one… what?” She asked.
“The only human. You didn’t see her?”
“No… are you sure you saw another human?”
“Up the street. She went into the night club. I have to know who she is.” I stood turning away from Lyra.
“Johnny, I did not see anypony.”
“Just wait here. I’ll be back in ten minutes. I have to know for sure.”
She started to protest but I walked away and heard her shout something I had never heard from a pony before. Heartstrings may have been hanging around me for far too long if she learned a string of words like that. I paid it little mind and strolled up to the entrance of the night club. The outside was painted back with red trim and a pony stood behind a velvet rope dressed in a red vest with a gold pocket watch. He looked up from a book and closed the volume.
“May I help you sir?” He asked trying to look down his nose at me.
“The human woman in the red dress, who is she?” I asked looking down at the book.
“She works for the Velvet Revolver.” He replied acting as if everyone should know that fact.
“Velvet Revolver… interesting name. I’d like to get in.”
“We’ll be opening at nine o’clock this evening.”
“Perhaps you can open a little earlier…” I slipped some shiny bits next to the book.
“Sir, I assure you it’s not a matter of money. We will be open at nine o’clock this evening and you may or may not gain entry depending on the guest list. Is there anything else?”
I turned away picking up the bits and stuffing them back into my wallet. The pony scoffed and returned to his reading. They wouldn’t let me in the front door so I would have to find another route. I circled the block and headed down an alleyway towards the back of the club. The Velvet Revolver was a pretty large place on the outside and I found a ladder leading to the roof. It was another thing that spoke of human involvement in this place. I could not begin to fathom how a pony would even climb a ladder. They lacked anything to grip the railings as they ascended or descended. I pulled myself up to the roof and saw nothing at first that would allow me access. There were vents too small for me to squeeze into but there was an access hatch disguised as a vent. I pulled on the outer cover and it opened revealing another ladder down into the club.
Descending I entered a catwalk running around back stage and I tried to be as quiet as possible in my leather soled shoes. Several ponies were below setting up the night’s entertainment and chatting as they worked. From my vantage point I could see the front of the stage lined in red velvet curtains. The stage itself was painted to look like a cylinder on a revolving pistol. It was perfectly round and I assumed it was a revolving stage from access hatches on the back side. The first rows of tables lining the stage were set up in a large semi-circle. To the left and right were raised levels in smaller half circles. All in all I estimated that this place could hold a hundred ponies easily.
There was a sound back stage and I crouched low on the catwalk trying to blend in with the shadows. A gray pony with a black mane walked in on two legs and set down a large instrument case and clicked open the clasps. She pushed back the lid and revealed four Thompsons inside. Two of the backstage ponies grabbed the guns and transferred them into a rectangular box. There were several drum magazines in the bottom of the instrument case that they took by the leg load.
I strained to hear what they were saying and I ended up pushing one of the lights with the corner of my foot. It suddenly turned direction and all three sets of eyes went skyward. I froze and looked down through the metal slats of the catwalk seeing those violet eyes. The two of us looked directly at each other for several moments. Her eyes narrowed for a second time and she yelled at the other two ponies to grab me. I stood and ran down the catwalk jumping at the ladder and climbing as fast as I could. Not waiting to see if my pursuers were on my tail I hurried across the roof. Gripping the sides of the ladder with my feet and hands I slid down to the alley way just as a back door burst open and a pony carrying a Tommy gun opened fire.
I launched myself away from the ladder and rolled on the ground trying to get away from the hot lead. The rattle of bullets ceased as quickly as it had started and I heard the violet eyed pony shouting at the shooter that she wanted me alive. I scrambled to my feet and ran as fast as my legs would move. I did not care at the moment if she wanted me alive or not, the other pony had opened fire and nearly killed me. It was just dumb luck that he was a bad shot. Several of the slugs had chewed into the cement next to me as I had rolled away. Turning the corner I nearly ran into Lyra who was galloping hard in the direction I’d came from. I turned her around and we both ran away from the rear of the club.
“What the hell happened? I heard gunfire!” She shouted as we ran.
“Good news is there’s another human in Manehattan. Bad news is some ponies tried to kill me.”
“This is why I did not want you going in there!”
“Ok you were right and I was wrong. At the moment we have more pressing concer…”
We both skidded to a halt as we rounded the last corner opening onto the street. The violet eyed pony and five others were blocking our exit. All of them were standing on two legs and aiming a variety of weaponry at us. Two Tommy guns, one M1 Carbine and two revolvers were pointed in our direction. I put my hand up and gripped the brim of my fedora. The other slipped into my coat pocket and held the Walther.
“I thought you’d have more sense than this.” Violet eyes spoke with a slight German accent and shook her head. “I honestly expected more from the one who defeated Chrysalis.”
“You’ve got me at a big disadvantage.” I let go of my hat and dropped my hand to my side. “Six against two… and I don’t even know your name.”
“Octavia.”
“Tell me Octavia, what’s a Canterlot pony doing in Manehattan?” I was trying to buy time and keep them from shooting.
“Oh so you do remember me Mr. Northrain?” She approached and looked up at my blue eyes.
“I remember seeing you at court. Who’d have known you were a smuggler.” I smiled at her.
“We do what we must. For now I think you and your partner Lyra Heartstrings will be coming with us.”
There was nothing I could really do when five guns trained on my partner and me. I let go of the pistol in my pocket and turned my gaze to Lyra with a shrug of my shoulders. She returned the gesture and we both conceded to go with them. Octavia smiled and stepped away from me heading towards the main entrance. The gun toting ponies surrounded us and we started to follow Octavia when a car came screeching around the corner. It sped up and turned sharply, drifting on the street and slamming broadside into one of the gun ponies. The vehicle and pony slid past us and the car stopped between us and the other four. The door opened up and Bon Bon was behind the wheel.
“Get in, no time to explain.” She shouted to us as the other ponies opened fire. Lyra dove into the vehicle and I followed after. Bon Bon had grabbed a Walther PPK from somewhere and was returning fire while slamming down on the gas. The tires spun and screamed then it gripped the road and we sped off down the street. Bullets rang off the steel body of the car and soon we were out of range. I sat breathless in the back seat and Lyra threw her front legs around Bon Bon giving her a kiss. She dropped the gun and returned the kiss before focusing on the road and driving like a bat out of hell.
“What in Celestia’s name are you doing here?” Lyra asked her best friend keeping her legs around her.
“Celestia called me in to give you two support.” She turned sharply around a corner.
“Support? You aren’t exactly the support type.” I said sitting up in the back seat. “Where’d you get the gun?”
“The six of us were the only ponies that had them for a while. Recently there’s been an influx of human firearms in Manehattan. None of us know where they are coming from. There’s something else. Humans are showing up, we’ve recorded a couple others besides you Johnny.” Bon Bon sped up and blew through a red traffic light.
“We? Who’s we?” I asked while taking off my fedora and running a hand through my hair.
“MI6.”
“M… I…6?” Lyra asked just as puzzled as I was.
“Majesty’s Intelligence Six. There’s six of us ponies tasked by Princess Celestia on intelligence gathering and peace keeping. Well technically there are seven including the princess herself. I’m the seventh in the line.”
“Where are we going?” I asked while trying to sort out what Bon Bon had said.
“Our safe house in Manehattan. I’m sorry Johnny but this case you are working on goes far deeper than we realized at the time Celestia sent you here. Also… Lyra… I think it’s time we talked.”