She was doomed. There was simply no way out, no ambiguous answer that would satisfy their powerful curiosity, and no blatant lie that would be overlooked or ignored. She was utterly and truly bucked.....but that wouldn't stop her from trying until her entire lie exploded spectacularly in her face.
“Uh...errr..ummm,” Twilight stammered, unsuccessfully trying to compose herself in order to fabricate a lie on the spot. It was hard though; she was trying to cover up for nearly impossible things, one: she had a naughty alicorn goddess living in her and two: her friends wanted to know what stallion she had her eye on. Both of them by themselves would be hard to avoid answering or revealing, but together, it would be like defeating Discord, a past Nightmare, and Chrysalis at the same time.
Her usually sharp mind drew a blank, and every theoretical route she could take only ended in disaster. Twilight was backed into a corner, both literally and metaphorically, the hounds of truth slowly closing in on her like a frightened, helpless doe caught in the woods alone.
“Maybe you could try telling them the truth,” Nightmare proposed, much to Twilight's disbelief.
“No. Just imagine the kind of chaos that it would create!” Twilight mentally responded as bead of nervous sweat began to pour down her face in buckets; she was pretty sure Fluttershy hadn't even sweated this much when they had faced that dragon on the mountain!
“I'm sure lots of things would be created! Imagine all the sexy fun times!” the dark alicorn cheered, referring to Twilight spilling the entire truth, dream and ambition included. Twilight could only mentally spaz, trying to keep her physical state somewhat normal under the pressing conditions, but twitches of panic creaked down her spine.
“So!?” the other five ponies urged, their faces only inches away from Twilight as their piercing gazes waited for the lavender mare to spill all.
“Uh...he's....he's from Canterlot!” Twilight lied quickly, but she knew it would only be a matter of minutes until the flimsy fib was debunked and decloaked.
“Oh my goodness! Canterlot,” Rarity exclaimed with a grand flourish, imaging Twilight's mystery stallion as a dashing, young, rich unicorn with an air for romantics, “I can see it now! Separated by such a distance, Twilight Sparkle and her midnight stallion find a way to keep the fires of love alive in their hearts, knowing that the other's passionate light is pointed their way in hope, and one day, the two destined lovers will be united in an amorous meeting under the stars where they will declare their eternal dedication to one another. It's just like a fairy tale!” The white unicorn swooned, falling over with a sigh, imaging herself in Twilight's place. The other six simply looked at her questioningly, strange stares aimed at their favorite fashionista.
“So.....besides that...” Rainbow continued, dismissing Rarity's outburst and jumping back on the trail, “What's he like? What's his name!?”
Twilight blanked. She hadn't prepared anything during Rarity's fervent speech, no background, no personality, no physical description, no first meeting and definitely not a name. Her already barely functioning lie factories went into overdrive mode, overheating and collapsing on themselves, rendering the poor, purple unicorn a spluttering, rambling mess. Nothing came to mind.
“I really wonder how they communicate though,” Fluttershy commented quietly, saving the lavender mare for just a moment, “I imagine that much distance would really put a strain on a relationship.”
“Letters!” Twilight yelled abruptly and desperately, her eyes shifting back and forwth madly while her forced smile twitched.
“Huh?” Spike questioned, his face contorting into confusion, “But we haven't received any letters lately.” Twilight cursed. How could she forget that Spike handled all the house mail from Derpy and all the dragon mail as well. Practically everything that came into the house went through Spike's hooves first if Twilight didn't bring it in herself. “How have you been getting them?”
“Um...well...I...” Twilight began, but her friends were getting impatient.
“What's the name Twilight?!”
“I hope he doesn't mind the distance....”
“Oh, you must simply tell me how this happened darling!”
“Well, I guess I'm happy for ya Twi! Finding a good stallion is hard these days.”
“I know! It's time for a party! We'll invite him down here and hold the a party for the newest, bestest, most awesomenest, new couple ever! And then, we'll know his name, what he looks like, what he's like and what he does. Then we can watch him and Twilight make kissy faces all day long!”
“I just want to know the name! C'mon Twilight!”
“I hope he's nice...”
“He had better have class, style and good looks darling. And of course, he must be a gentlestallion. You deserve the best.”
“Well, I reckon that there ain't a luckier stallion out there than your sugercube Twilight.”
“And then we can plan for the, first month anniversary, the second month anniversary, the third month anniversary, the six month anniversary, the first year anniversary and alllll the way up until the wedding!”
Twilight bypassed the bodily twitch and went straight into convulsion mode. She was going to lose it! The unicorn could feel the explosion slowly building inside of her as she began to lose control of her sanity, magic, and emotions. Within moments she was going to burst into a rambling, flaming, panicking wreck that would most likely spill everything instantly.
“Hello!” a sudden, cheery voice called from outside the house, interrupting the makeshift gossip session, “I brought you a letter Twilight!”
Before the personal protege of Celestia could teleport to the door, Spike arrived first, opening the door and taking the new letter from the eccentric mail mare.
“Ooo! Ooo! Who's it from? Is it from Twilight's mystery stallion!?” Pinkie shouted as she bounded over to the small, purple dragon in one excited leap, hanging her head over his shoulder as she read the envelope. The other four ponies rushed over to the small dragon as well, curious and hopeful. Sly smiles adorned their faces as they glanced over to the stunned unicorn who was staring blankly ahead at no pony or object in particular.
“It doesn't say,” Spike replied, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. He wasn't sure why somepony would leave their return address off.
“Oh my! Secret love letters,” the generous unicorn gushed, acting out another fainting spell. All of this mushy, hopeless romantic romance had her reeling.
“Open it! Open it!” Rainbow yelled, hoping that a name would be revealed and more details of Twilight's secret love affair would be exposed.
“I don't think we should,” Applejack said, feeling a bit guilty, “I want ta know just as much as everypony else, but I draw the line at opening somepony else's mail. It ain't right. It's an invasion of privacy.”
“But..It's not addressed to anyone, just the library,” Rainbow commented smartly, “For all we know, it could be for Spike or something.”
“I usually open all of Twilight's mail anyway,” Spike responded with an indifferent shrug, ripping open the letter with his sharp claws and plucking the contents out.
“What's it say? What's it say!” Pinkie yelled, rapidly running around the room to exhibit her anticipation. The purple dragon decided to hand it off to one of his friends, and an overzealous cyan pegasus ended up receiving the article which she began to read out loud.
Dear Twilight,
I hope you're doing great. Things have really been quiet lately without you around. It was always a lot more lively when you stopped by. Shop's still going strong luckily, but I think that's because Celestia likes cake too much. I hope you can visit soon. We all really miss you up here. Oh, and the next time you visit me, I have some special creme filled donuts for you to try out. It's a new, special recipe of mine, and I want you to be the first to taste it, especially since the yearly Equestrian Sweets competition is coming up!
Lots of love,
Joe
Perhaps it was the way Rainbow had read it, but every pony's face in the room was colored a deep cherry red.
“Oh my my my,” Nightmare laughed, “I had no idea you had such delicious connections my dear.” The black alicorn howled with laughter, able to feel the absolute mortification apparent on Twilight's face. Her mistress didn't even have a mind to answer back because all of her brain fuses had burned out. “You may prefer mares, but I think we could make a side trip for some stallion donuts.”
If she could, Twilight would have blasted open a hole in the ground and buried herself in it, pretending to not exist. All of the mental images that Nightmare conjured up using her memories was enough to send her into mental breakdown.
“Joe!? As in Donut Joe?” Spike choked out, actually falling back and fainting, his small body hitting the wood floor with a thud. He was out cold.
“Buh....buh.....buh...” Twilight responded uselessly, her mouth failing to move as she wanted as her derailed mind attempted to get back on track.
“Well..um..” Fluttershy stammered similarity, no small number of dirty thoughts running through her mind, and there was no doubt that the others were thinking along the same line. The butter pegasus 'eeped' in embarrassment as her wings flared, and she shrank down to the floor, pretending to be invisible. The fact that she had also read no small number of steamy romance novels wasn't helping her either.
Rainbow handled it a bit differently, however. Her wings were fully snapped out from her sides, but she was giggling, never imagining Twilight to be so....adventurous.
“It's always the quiet ones they say,” the speedy pegasus commented innocently, not noticing her flight school friend blush harder along with Twilight.
“It's not...I mean...It's not what it looks like!” Twilight protested weakly, her voice coming out shakier than Pinkie's “doozy sense” talk. Combined with the extremely low volume, almost Fluttershy low, no pony seemed to believe her.
“But it could be I bet,” Nightmare added slyly, breaking open a fresh branch of blood vessels as Twilight's mind was refilled with various dirty suggestions.
“No! No! No! Absolutely! NO!” Twilight yelled back with an aggression that Gilda herself would have been scared of. The dark alicorn could only giggle until her metaphorical ribs gave out.
“Oh don't worry Twilight,” Rarity's unsteady voice soothed, fanning herself with her forehoof to cool off her own heated face, “You're secret is safe with us. We're all grown mares, and we all have our own needs after all. No one thinks lesser of you.”
“Gotta give you props Twilight,” the cyan mare added with a cheeky grin while crossing her hooves in approval, “Joe's a pretty big stallion, almost as big as Big Mac. I bet he's a killer in bed.” Fluttershy squeaked, cowering behind her hooves, not used to discussing anything remotely sexual with her friends.
“I'd appreciate it if ya didn't compare my brother to another stallion having....relations with one of ma best friends Dash,” Applejack fumed uncomfortably. Dash flashed her a rebellions smile. Twilight groaned. Things had gone from bad to complete disaster, just as she had predicted, in a matter of moments. Stupid letter. Stupid Nightmare. Stupid dreams!
“I'm not in a relationship with Joe,” Twilight suddenly said, her voice eerily calm and controlled, contrary to her prior state of panic. The lavender mare didn't even know where she had pulled the fortitude and composure to respond like that.
“You're welcome,” Nightmare answered cheerily, and immediately Twilight understood. However, she didn't know what to feel again. Gratitude? Embarrassment? Fear? Hope? Hate?
“Oh my,” the kind, yellow pegasus exclaimed, “Are you sure Twilight?”
Again, without her prompting, her body moved on its own, answering Fluttershy's question with a definite, distinctive nod.
“Joe's like family to me. He always ends his letters like that. And he doesn't include a return address because he knows that I know the address for the store already....Though, I'm not sure why he didn't include a name that indicated it was for me. It was most likely just a mistake on his part.”
Slowly, her friends began to grasp the truth of the situation. Twilight wasn't in a relationship with Donut Joe. It was all just one big misunderstanding.
“So you're not in a relationship right?” Rainbow murmured nervously, rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment.
“No...” the purple unicorn sighed, standing up slowly in an attempt to make herself look and feel normal. The five other mares shuffled in place timidly.
“I told ya'll we should'a just left it alone,” Applejack whispered fiercely, her face heating up in mortification.
“Oh dear...” Rarity said, “This is dreadful! We put you into a situation where you had no way to deny having feelings for Joe because we wouldn't allow it! Oh, I feel absolutely horrid. Our overzealousness got the best of us I'm afraid.”
“But wait...who's “the pony on your mind” then?” the prismatic haired pegasus questioned desperately, having slightly calmed down. Twilight sighed again, setting herself down on her chair, rubbing her eyes with her hooves.
“It's not like that Rainbow...” she breathed out, trying to de-stress herself by taking deep breaths. “It's....complicated.” It was a famous, cliché answer, but nothing else could have been perfectly applied towards her situation. The other five ponies idly kicked at the ground, ashamed that they had jumped to conclusions so quickly.
“Sorry Twilight,” Rainbow fessed up first after a moment of palpable, awkward silence, “I kinda lost my head over the whole coltfriend deal. I was really hoping you had one.”
“I must confess my apologies as well Twilight,” Rarity chimed in, “I feel downright horrible for not letting you explain yourself first.”
“Me three!” Pinkie added with a sad frown, “I didn't mean to be a meany face and invade all your privacy. I just thought that if you got a coltfriend, you'd be really happy, and they we would be really happen. So everypony would be really happy!”
“Even though I preached leaving it alone, I still bothered you about it. I'm sorry Twilight,” Applejack confessed, looking away in shame.
“Um...I hope we didn't hurt your feelings or anything like that. If we did, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us, because we're really sorry,” Fluttershy whispered, still cowering in the corner.
Twilight could only grin at each of her friends fondly. There really was only one answer. “Of course I forgive you girls. You're my best friends.” They all cheered, running up to their favorite magical unicorn and enveloping her into a group hug. “Look, when I get a coltfriend or whatever, you guys will be the first to know. I promise.” Her friends cheered at that.
Off to the side, Twilight mentally noted that a letter to the princess was in order, and even now, she was glad she had so many amazing friends.
“So....Twilight. How do you feel about group sessions? They are all mares after all,” Nightmare cut in abruptly with a devious giggle, shooting down the lavender mare's composure completely, the five sided contact only amplifying the saucy visions the goddess was creating.
“Uh...Twi? You should really get that there twitch checked out.”