Trixie was finally ready. After a few months spent in the thick of the Everfree Forest, she had fine-tuned all of her magical skills, and as a bonus, she improved wilderness survival skills she didn't know she had. The time was at hand: She would go back into Ponyville, and give them a show so spectacular, that they wouldn't be able to do anything but apologize profusely to her for shunning her away the last time she was there. Who knows, maybe that infernal Twilight Sparkle would even get exiled, as well!
Giddy with excitement, Trixie began walking to her trailer home, ready to start pulling it back to civilization. A huge smile was plastered on her face. As she got closer, she became aware of a faint sound on the wind, but she paid it no mind.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"
Suddenly, a figure slammed into the top of her trailer, going straight through the roof. The impact shook the structure of the house on wheels enough that it nearly disintegrated, leaving the skeletal frame standing over a pile of wood and various cloths, books, and other things that belonged to her. The wheels simply fell over, detached from the axles. Trixie's smile never left her face, but her left eye started twitching uncontrollably. There was no way that just happened. She was just tired, which, combined with her excitement, led to her hallucinating. Or maybe she had eaten some of those mushrooms lately. Whatever the reason, this simply could not be real.
A figure started rising from the rubble, the same one that crashed into it. It was bipedal, and it reminded Trixie of that one thing she was sure she imagined a few weeks ago.
"Least I had dat pistol..." the creature said to itself. It pressed it's hand to a device on its head, seemingly listening to something. After a while, it said, "Alright, alright, so where do I go from 'ere?" to the air. Trixie was furious, yet the smile never left her face, and her eye never stopped twitching. The creature spoke to whatever it saw there again: "Well, where da hell am I gonna find a local? I'm in the middle of th' frickin' forest, 'nd I just landed on some small house or somethin'!" It listened some more, before it turned and spotted Trixie. "JEEZ- Yeah, I think I found one." It took its hand off the thing on its head, and started speaking to the unicorn. "Uhh... Hey? Blue? Can ya tell me where Ponytown is?" It stopped to listen to its device again. "I mean, Ponyville. God, dese freakin' names..."
Not saying a word, Trixie raised a shaking hoof and pointed to the trail she entered the forest on so long ago, the smile still on her face.
"Uhh... thanks." The creature walked off, Trixie looking at it with her twitching eye the whole time. Once it was out of sight, she looked at what used to be her home. The skeletal frame groaned, then came down on top of the rest of the rubble. Trixie just stood there for a long while, before she simply curled into a ball and cried.
As he walked in the direction the unicorn told him to go, the Spy filled him in on some of the mannerisms of certain ponies he would most likely meet.
"And remember, if ze pink one wants to throw you a party, zere is no stopping her."
"Yeah, yeah, I got it. But what am I gonna do once I'm in the thick of 'em? Let them know I got some French bastard talkin' in mah ear?"
"I don't zink I have to explain this to you, Scout."
"And anotha thing, how am I gonna get them ponies to come back with me?"
"Ze same way I did, by lying."
"You would be good at that, wouldn't you? Mister 'I've slept weeth womeen all across ze world'." The Scout's French accent was terrible.
"At least I am not a virgin who's afraid of rainbows!"
The Medic took over on the radio. "You dummkopffs stop your bickering and get to work!"
"Fine, jeez, didn't know it was your time o' th' month, Deutsch-bag!" Before the German could offer a rebuttal, the Scout turned his headset off, chuckling to himself. By now, he had left the forest, and could see a few buildings in the distance. Also within view was a rather expansive farm, almost completely surrounded by apple trees. Seeing the apples reminded the Scout that, even if he had respawned not too long ago, he was still hungry. Sure, he had those sandwiches that the Heavy gave him, but he'd rather save those for an emergency; after all, they could somehow heal bullet wounds, burns, bruises, cuts, broken bones, and all manner of bodily harm in but a single bite. He had no idea how it worked, but the Scout learned to stop questioning things around the time the Heavy learned to kill people simply by pointing at them.
With this in mind, he set off for the apple farm, determined to get something to eat that wasn't cooked by the Soldier ("It is good! It makes you STRONGER! And I'm honestly not quite sure what it is!").
After a few more minutes of jogging, the Scout made it to the nearest apple tree. Making liberal use of his double jump, he climbed up to the branches and rested on them, which also had the advantage of having the leaves hide him from sight for the most part. Now in a comfortable position, he grabs for the nearest apple and digs in. For some reason, he expected it to be sweeter than any apple he had before, but it was just another apple. Sure, it tasted different, but it was still an average apple.
Suddenly, he had the feeling that a comical encounter was about to occur, so he stopped eating and stood still, listening for any noises. At first, there was just the sound of the wind, but soon he heard the sound of foot- er, hoofsteps approaching. They sounded like they stopped right under the tree the Scout was in, so he sat completely still. When nothing happened, he attempted to steal a look to the ground, just as something hit the tree with a lot of force. It was enough to send him out of the tree and onto the ground. He landed on his neck in a normally fatal manner, but due to the pistol he was carrying, he was able to avoid that completely... somehow.
Look, he can jump in mid-air. I don't have to explain shit.
"What the hay- What were ya doin' in my apple tree?!" The female southern voice reminds the Scout of the Engineer somewhat, but he ignored that thought in favor of the one saying "RUN TO THE HILLS". He scrambles to his feet, immediately shooting off in the other direction. Looking behind him, he sees an orange horse- an earth pony, due to the lack of horn and wings- standing there, confused, before giving chase. She could run fairly fast, but it wasn't any match for the Scout's years of experience in running away running to the fight. He was able to lose her in the thick of trees, before he double jumped up onto another branch. This time, he climbed to the top of the tree. Looking back, he could see the pony still looking for him. Then, out of the sky, a blue winged horse- a pegasus, if he remembered correctly- fly to the orange one. They exchanged a few words, but they were too far away for him to overhear any of it. The blue one nodded before shooting up over the trees. Almost immediately after, they look right at each other. The Scout notices the pony's rainbow hair and tail, and the pony notices the human hiding in a tree.
"I see it, Applejack!" she calls below before flying after the Scout. He wastes no time in jumping from his current tree, pulling off a series of quick hops off of the top branches. The pegasus was catching up quick, although he dodged a couple of her tackles at him. Eventually, he noticed that he wasn't dive bombed again. Smirking at his victory, keeps hopping along, the trees getting farther and farther apart, although still not far enough to require a double jump. His smirk vanishes when he spots the blue pony flying right in front of him while he was mid jump. "Gotcha!" she cried triumphantly.
"Nope!" With little effort, the Scout jumped again, changing directions to dodge the pegasus. He turns around, still jumping from tree to tree, to taunt her. "Oh, wow, you almost got me that time! Keep this up, and I just might feel a breeze! You ponies are dumb as-" His bragging was interrupted by the realization that he had completely ran out of trees to jump on, having now made it to the barn. He fell to the ground, bouncing comically along the ground before he skidded to a halt next to a barrel. Before he could get up, the barrel was dropped onto him, smacking him in the head. It wasn't enough to knock him out, but it still disoriented him long enough for a rope to lasso around his body. In a matter of seconds, he found that he was tied up in a manner that prevented him from running or even using his hands. Once the stars cleared from his vision, he looked up to see the orange pony glaring at him, the blue one behind her smiling smugly.
"You have some explainin' t' do, varmint," the orange one said threateningly.
The Scout, despite his constant dying in his line of work, was slightly frightened, but this didn't change his attitude at all. "So, even in other dimensions, ladies can't get enough o' th' Scout!"
The blue pony responded by dropping the barrel on his head again.
"You know what, passing out from head trauma sounds like a good way to end the chapter."
And he did.