Behind Blue Eyes

by Typographical Error

Chapter 3

I walked out of the hospital that day, my heart and my hooves heavy. I walked along the gravel road that led back to town, the small rocks popping and crunching under my hooves. Rain dripped from the trees overhead, occasionally splattering against my raincoat. The sky above was a sea of clouds, with points of blue scattered throughout. It looked like a tattered cloth, floating in an ocean. Birds chirped and flew overhead, and small squirrels and rabbits ran through the underbrush. It was such a lovely way to end that day. So why did I feel so down?

The trees cleared, and I walked into the small park that bordered the forest. Small foals ran back and forth, swinging on the swings, playing on the fake mountain. I stayed near the outskirts, watching the foals play. Their coats were soaked from the water left over from the storm, and they were visibly shivering. But they didn’t seem to mind. Looking a little further away, I could see a couple mares, probably their mothers, standing and talking. One, a unicorn, held an umbrella next to her, waiting to see if it would rain again.

I decided to sit down on the bench a few yards away from the park. A small smile crept onto my lips as I watched them play. I could remember when Rain and I used to do that, at this very park. Her, being three years younger than me, would barely leave my side. She would swing on the swing right next to me, slide down the slide right after I did. But slowly, over the months and years, she opened up, began playing with the other foals. Normally, she would be fine, and nothing bad would happen. But every so often, she would go into one of her fits. She would begin to yell at no one. She would get aggravated, sometime even violent. Because of this, every time we would show up, the park would empty automatically.

I felt tears rise in my eyes, and I blinked them away. She didn’t deserve anything that had happened to her. She had been such a sweet and loving pony. She never harmed anyone while she was in right mind, and she always apologized after she came back. And now, she was gone forever.

I watched the two mares call their foals to them. The foals, dripping wet, ran off towards them, laughing and playing still. They started to walk out of the park, so I decided to leave as well. I followed the stone path out of the park which eventually led to the main street. I slowly walked up the street, puddles splashing water onto my legs as I walked. From up above, Lunar called a “Hello”. I waved back, trying my best smile. But I guess he was too far away to notice how fake it was, because he just kept flying. Shame, I would have liked to have talked to him.

I kept walking. The streets were almost deserted, most of the ponies were inside where it was warm. That was good for me. I had never liked being around a lot of ponies, and especially with how I was feeling, I liked it even less. Finally, my house came into view. I pulled the key out of my pocket and opened the door. Everything was how I had left it, and my closet door was still open. I hung my raincoat inside to dry, then headed into the living room. I pulled a small box off the mantle and struck a match. I threw it into the fireplace. Instantly the magical logs caught fire, filling the room with warmth and light. I collapsed into a chair, looking into the fire. I felt almost ready to pass out, but I had something else to do first.

I reached into the pocket of my uniform, pulling out the journal. The small pencil was still inside the small rings, and I pulled that out as well. I opened it up and began to write.

Journal Day 4

I...I don’t even know what to think anymore. Rain, I am still dreaming on her. I don’t know why, after all these years. I wouldn’t mind dreaming of her, if it wasn’t.....that time. Everything that is going on in my life, that is that last thing that I want to see. I am starting to think taking this job was a mistake.

Now Pearl. Pearl...she is something else altogether. She is intelligent, she is beautiful, she is so, so trusting. I have never met a pony who would give you her complete trust like that. Well, there was one. And she seems to only want one thing in this world. And it is the most unselfish want I have ever heard.

She wants to go outside. I don’t know for how long, or when, but she wants to. And I don’t know how, but I am going to give her that. I don’t care if I get caught. I don’t care anymore. She needs this. She needs this more than anything.

Sometime in the next couple days, I am going to do this.

I put the journal down, staring at the words I wrote in my chicken scratch writing. What I had written was no lie. I was going to get her out of there. I turned back to fire, watching the logs slowly turn from red, to orange, to finally a white-red tint. They never burned down though. You just had to blow on them, and they would go out, ready for use the next time. They had been expensive, but well worth the price.

I could feel my eyes growing heavy, so I turned in the chair, trying to find a comfortable spot. I found myself looking at a picture of Rain and I at a fair when I was about twelve. Her eyes sparkled with delight, but mine were closed because I was laughing about something. Maybe a joke Rain had told a few minutes before, I couldn’t remember. I found the small patch of her mane that was shorter than the rest. A colt at school had put gum in her hair and called her names. She had run home crying that day, and I tried my best to comfort her. But she was very upset. In the end, we had to cut it out of her hair. She was very subdued for a long time afterwards. The fair had been the first time she smiled in a long time.

I tried to remember those days, when she was at her happiest. Hopefully, this time, I would dream of those times.

Her friends were around her, lying in the grass next to her. A fleeting moment of panic washed over her as she tried to remember how she got there. But as she felt her friends laying there next to her, the fear faded. She relaxed, tension washing away just like water in the river. The sun above them shined down, but a small breeze kept them cool. A light scent of spring flowers wafted through the air. She felt as if she could just lay there forever, as if nothing mattered to her anymore. She closed her eyes, just for a moment, trying to remember why she had felt that feeling of dread.

Minutes, hours, seconds later, she wasn’t sure, she heard hoofsteps in the grass near her. She opened one eye, shielding the glare of the sun from her face. Above her, a familiar purple face waited for her, blazing yellow eyes smiling at her. With a squeal of delight, she jumped up, embracing her friend. He hugged her back, pulling her into a close embrace. Shivers rolled up and down her body at the feeling of the touch. She turned, smiling, to the others. But the smile slipped off her face when she saw they were nowhere to be found. She spun in circles a few times, trying to find them, but she couldn’t. A wave of sadness washed over her. She turned back to her friend, who reached out a hoof to her. She took it in her own, a small smile returning to her lips. A gentle tug was all she needed, and together they walked towards the river.

The grass tickled her legs as they walked, and the flowers left a trail of petals in their wake. The water was so clear, that from a distance, it looked like a piece of the sky had landed on earth. For the first time, she saw small animals scurrying around by the river. Squirrels and rabbits chased each other through the flowers and grass. Butterflies floated above the water and hopped from flower to flower. She laughed as they got closer, watching the animals frolic and play. They moved out of their way as the two of them approached the river. They almost seemed to stop and watch them.

A single hoof was all she touched to the water, but still she shivered as the experience of the tepid, but still cold, water lapped against her. He smiled at her, letting her take the lead, directing them where she wanted to go. Smiling, she pulled them into the river. She sucked in a breath as the water rose above their withers, just barely touching her chin. She let go of his hoof, floating in the water. Her hooves just barely touched the bottom, but she didn’t mind. The feeling was just too incredible. He swam over to her, taking her hoof back in his own. She pointed down the river, towards the edge of the vast clearing. There were trees there. She liked trees. He blinked once, smiling. Together, they swam down the river. The only sound was their breathing, and the splash of the water.

Above them, the clouds slowly rolled across the sky, reflecting themselves on the water in front of them. The soft breeze chilled their fur and skin whenever they broke the water. Their tails floated in the water behind them, looking more like flippers than hair. Every slight movement brought on another shiver as the water warmed her and cooled her at the same time. but not her hoof, clasped tightly in his. That hoof was blazing warm, the perfect temperature against the water. Their eyes met again, and she felt herself blush. she turned away, but she felt his other hoof on her cheek. He turned her head, her eyes meeting his. He stroked her cheek a few times, and she wondered why the feeling was so familiar, and so calming. she swam forward and embraced him again. She felt the warmth of his body against hers, staving off the cold of the water. She sunk into his fur, tightening her embrace. He hugged her back, stroking her mane as he did so.

Finally, after a long while, she wasn’t quite sure, he broke away. But he kept his forehead pressed against hers, looking into her eyes. He gave her a small, hollow smile, and motioned for her to close her eyes. She did as she was told, waiting for him to do something. But nothing happened. Suddenly, there was no cold, no feeling of water on her skin. Frightened, she opened her eyes, seeing nothing but white again.

When I woke up, I realized where I had fallen asleep. Climbing out of the chair, I smiled and laughed at myself. It had been many years since I had fallen asleep there, looking into the fire. I was a young colt the last time it happened. I rubbed my eyes awake, walking into the kitchen, but I stopped almost immediately. I had forgotten something. Turning, i walked back into the living room, blew out the fire that was still blazing in the fireplace, and picked up my journal. Then I turned and walked back to the kitchen.

On my way to the hallway I passed the window over the sink, and I had to do a double take on it. There was still a moon falling in the sky. I quickly looked at the clock and saw that it was 3:42. I let out a groan, mentally slapping myself. If there was one thing I wasn’t, it was a morning person. I was tempted to go back to the chair, or up to my bed and fall asleep, but I decided not to. Instead, I went upstairs to my tiny bathroom and turned on the water. I didn’t know why, but that hospital always made me feel dirty. But I had a feeling the water wouldn’t be able to clean the feeling away. And I was right.

I walked back downstairs, toweling my mane dry. I pulled a muffin off the tray and sat down in the living room again, munching slowly. A stray thought wandered through my head as I looked at the pictures. Pearl, I wondered what she was doing right then. I hoped she was asleep. The poor mare looked like she never got any sleep, with those huge circles under her eyes. One thought led to another, and I found myself thinking about her past. Where had she come from? Who were her parents? What, exactly, was she in there for? I figured I would have to ask somepony about that. But then, another thought ran through my mind.

I was almost four in the morning. Nopony would be there. And I had an ID card that would let me get in there. I stood up, shoving the rest of my muffin into my mouth, and grabbing my uniform. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but so what? If I was going to take Pearl out of the hospital, even for a night, I would probably get fired anyway. I thought this as I trotted to the door. The worst they could do is fire me.

Tears streamed down her cheeks as soft, whimpering moans escaped her throat. She curled herself into a ball, burying her face in her hooves, and curling her tail around herself. the teams seemed unable to stop, and they just kept coming. The cloth on her hoof was already soaked, as was the bed sheet underneath her. Her cries echoed off the walls, making her cry even harder. She sounded broken, even to her own ears.

She wanted to go back. More than anything she had ever wanted, she wanted to go back. She had clawed at the walls, trying to find her way back, but all she found was white. finally, she had just collapsed on her bed. She laid there, her sorrow and pain spilling out. She didn’t know why she had left there, or how she left. She just wanted to go back. She tried to picture the place in her mind. The river, the flowers, the pony. But it was slowly fading away.

Just like her memory, her pain too was fading. Slowly, the tears stopped falling, and the whimpers stopped as well. She pulled her head up, looking around the room. Her hoof rose up to her face, wiping away a tear. She looking down at it, cocking her head.

Why had she been crying? Why had she been sad? She couldn’t remember. She stood up on trembling legs, looking around the room. Her efforts to escape this world, the efforts she couldn’t remember, where scattered around the edges of the wall. Gouges in the padding, strips of cloth ripped off the wall. She turned and walked around the walls, training a hoof on the padding. She was no longer sad. She was just curious. Why had she been crying?

I faced the gates to the hospital. The moon was shining down, casting a soft blue glow over the treetops and the grass. There were no lights on in the hospital, but the small red light on the gate was blinking. I walked forward, my ID held in my jaw. I swiped it across the scanner, and the gate slowly slid open. I rushed through, almost galloping up the walkway. I reached the doors in no time and pulled them open. I let out a sigh of relief that they were not locked. I would have hated to have come all this way just to turn around.

I was met with the familiar blast of air conditioning as I opened the doors. I quickly walked through and shut them behind me. I couldn’t get her out today, I would need an entire night to get her out, let her play, and bring her back. But there was still something I could do while I was alone here. Something Pearl couldn’t tell me, but something I still wanted to know.

I walked passed the receptionist's desk, and through the glass doors. I walked down the hall and turned down the second hallway, just like on my first day here. The Wardens’ office was straight ahead, wooden door shining in the dim light. I reached it and turned the handle, but sighed when I found it was locked. But a sudden thought struck me, and I pulled out my ID. I had seen this in movies countless times, but did it actually work? I guess it was time to find out.

I slid the card into the small crack between the door and the wall. I moved it up until I found the deadbolt, then I gently pressed against it. After a few tries, almost dropping the ID onto the other side of the door on one try, I heard a metallic click, and the door opened a fraction. I took a shuddering breath, stepping into the office. It looked the same as when I had first been in there. The pictures of the Warden and his family were still hanging behind the desk. but I didn’t have time for those. I wanted to look at what was under the pictures.

A row of metal filing cabinets stood there, looking like they wanted to be opened. i walked forward, pointing myself at the one labeled “Profiles”. I opened the drawer containing the P names, and rifled through them quickly. Finally, I found the one marked “Pearl”. I pulled it out, carefully marking it’s spot among the other files, and placed it on the desk.

On the cover was her name again, with a photo of her paper-clipped to the front. She looked so young. She couldn’t have been more than a filly when it was taken. Her youth disturbed me. Somepony that young shouldn’t be here. I opened the file, revealing several pages with graphs and numbers on them. I shoved those aside, picking up the page titled “History”. My heart was racing, and a small voice in the back of my mind told me I shouldn’t be doing this, but I kept going, quickly reading over the words on the paper.

By the time I was finished, I had sat on the floor, unable to stand. What I had read made me sick. My heart had ended up somewhere in my stomach, and it was a shriveled lump of what it used to be. I don’t think I had ever felt so sorry for somepony as I did right them. Swallowing back the cry that was threatening to release itself, I put the file back into it’s place, and closed the drawer. I walked out of the office, waiting until the door was closed and lock again before taking off running. My hooves clacked against the floor, but I didn’t care. I just wanted out of that place. I just wanted out.

The cool night air was like needles on my face as I ran outside, barely stopping for the gate to open before I started running again. Pearl, I thought. I am so sorry.

Journal Day 5 (Morning)

Dear Celestia, how can anypony take something like that? Pearl, no wonder she is so screwed up...

Her mother was addicted to hayseed, and even took it while she was pregnant with Pearl. She then died during birth, leaving Pearl with her father. But he couldn’t take care of a foal who had been damaged by her mother, so her left her at an orphanage. But that’s not all. When she was five or so, the file didn’t specify, she fell out of her window on the second story of the orphanage and suffered a head injury. She lost her memory, and, so it seemed, her ability to speak. After that, she spent most of her time inside her room, not seeing anyone. After several months like this, she was handed over to the hospital here, and she has been there ever since. She had been stuck inside that room for years. I just....I can’t believe this. It’s disgusting.

P.S If she had been alive today, Rain and Pearl would be the same age. They had the same birthday.

When I walked back into the hospital that morning, I tried to pretend nothing happened, which was extremely hard for me. If you ever saw me try it play cool, you would laugh your flank off. I stuttered a hello at the receptionist, then proceeded to walk straight into the glass doors. We both laughed, me blushing furiously. I pulled open the doors and walked inside, slowing down when I saw Silver standing on the other side.

“Hey, how’d it go yesterday? With Pearl?” he asked, following in my stride. I shook my head and shrugged.

“She was very afraid, so I tried to comfort her. She kicked me in the chest, pretty hard actually.” Silver smiled, like this thought amused him.

“Yeah, she will do that. You have to watch those back legs.” he said, breaking off when we passed the locker room.

“I’ll try to keep that in mind.” I said over my shoulder, continuing towards the elevator. I pulled the key out of my pocket, my journal falling to the floor again. I quickly picked it back up and shoved it back into my pocket. I stole a glance at Silver, who was eyeing me suspiciously. I just pressed the button for the elevator and walked in. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that me dropping the journal was going to come back and bite me in the flank.

The doors opened onto the hallway, and I stepped out. It always struck me how quiet it was up here. Almost silent except for my hooves on the floor. I dropped my coat uniform on the chair with the magazines and walked over to the door. I didn’t hear her on the other side, not that I normally do. I pulled the hatch aside, seeing the beautiful blue of her eyes once again. As soon as I saw her, the pain of what I read rushed back. This poor pony. She couldn’t even remember why she was so screwed up.

“H-hello Pearl.” I said, my words shaking. She cocked her head at me a few times, but then turned away from the door like she usually does. It was then that I got a good look inside her cell. Gouges and scraped in the padding ran across the walls. The cotton padding itself littered the floor, making small piles here and there. Pearl just walked through it, not even touching any of it, and sat down on the edge of her bed like she always did. I unbolted the door and walked in, looking around in fear and curiosity.

“What...what did you do?” I felt myself ask, already knowing she wouldn’t be able to respond. And I was right. She just cocked her head and blinked. Slowly, a thought dawned on me.

“You don’t know, or you don’t remember?” At the last option, she perked up, blinking once or twice. I nodded, starting to shove the padding into piles out of her way. How could she not remember, I thought to myself. Is her mind damaged that much that she just...forgets? I pushed that thought out of my head. I really didn’t want that to know the answer. When the padding was cleared, I stood back up and turned to her. She was watching me with those blue eyes. But there was something in them I had never seen before. A sparkle when she looked at me. An emotion I couldn’t quite place.

I started walking towards the open doorway, feeling her eyes on my back the whole time. I thought back to the painting on the wall, the one she had painted with her own food. The landscape. I thought about the padding. It looked like she had been trying to claw her way out of the cell. The way she looked at me. Like I was the single good thing in her life, which I probably was. I made the decision right then.

I turned and walked back to her, sitting down on the edge of the bad with her. She watched me the whole time, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. It seemed natural. I didn’t know how to say this to a pony who could obviously understand, but couldn’t respond. I took a deep breath, steeling myself.

“Pearl, I am going to take you outside tonight.” The reaction was immediate. Her ears perked up, and a huge smile crossed her lips. She threw her forelegs around me, pulling me into a bear hug. I hugged her back, feeling the shivers run up and down her body. But I didn’t think all of them were from the contact. I think a few were from happiness. She broke away and looked at the door, then back to me. She did this a few times.

“No, not right now, sweetie.” I said, watching the emotion fade from her face. “But, later on tonight, when everypony leaves.” A slight smile appeared on her lips, and her head fell onto my shoulder. I stroked her mane, watching her eyes close at my touch. I began to wonder how anypony could have shoved her into a place like this. She seemed so much like a filly. But at the same time, she was probably one of the strongest mares I knew for surviving this place with a personality intact. Well, one of the strongest mares who was still alive.

I looked down at her hoof, noticing that the handkerchief I had put there for her wrist was still tied around it. It was probably healed by now, so she didn’t need it. I reached down and pulled gently on the end on the knot. Instantly, her hoof flashed away and she pulled her head off my shoulder. A looked of stunned surprise crossed my face. “Do you want me to leave it?” I asked. She nodded, tucking the hoof in close to her body. It slowly dawned on my that was probably the first thing that wasn’t water or food that somepony had given her in a long time.

“Alright, I will leave it. I’m sorry.” She gently laid her head back on my shoulder, but kept her hoof in close to her body. Her eyes closed again as I stroked her mane. I felt her body start to go limp as she fell asleep. Slowly, so I wouldn’t wake her, I adjusted myself so she was laying on her back with her head in my lap. Her chest slowly rose and fell as she slept, and every now and then, a small smile would cross her lips. She was just so beautiful.

I gently bent down, placing my lips on her forehead. I just wanted to leave a small kiss, but as soon as I touched her fur, her eyes flashed open. I froze in place, waiting for her to move. And finally she did, but it was not the action I had been expecting. She sat up slowly, keeping her head turned towards me the whole time. she adjusted herself so that she was facing me, a strange expression on her face. A hollow feeling ran through me. Had I just lost her trust? I was about to turn away when I felt her hoof on the side of my face. I turned back to her, almost gasping when I saw how close she was. I could see nothing but her blue eyes. They blinked once, and then she leaned forwards.

I felt her lips on my own for the first time. Startled by this, I pulled back a bit, but she just leaned forward more. I felt her forelegs wrap around my back, pulling me in tighter. As the shock passed, I felt myself being pulled towards her. I wrapped my own forelegs around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. I could feel her heartbeat against my own, both of ours fluttering erratically. I turned my head slightly, kissing her deeper. She responded the same. A vague thought in the back of my head wondered what this would look this if somepony were to walk in right now. But as I felt her heart beat with my own, I realized I didn’t care. Instead, I just sank deeper into the kiss.

Finally, we broke apart. Her forelegs were still wrapped around me, so I just pressed her forehead against hers, looking into her eyes. The look in her eyes told me she desperately wanted to tell me something, and I think I knew what it was.

“I know.” I whispered quietly. “I love you too.” A flare of excitement passed through her eyes and she pulled me closer. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I pressed my head into her mane.

“T-th-thank...y-you.” I heard a voice whisper. It was small, quiet. Almost like a young pony’s. I took me a long moment to realize who had said it. I pulled back a bit, but kept my hooves around her.

“Was...was that you?”

She nodded vigorously. She opened her mouth, looking like this simple task was the hardest thing she had ever done. “T-thank..you.” she said again, louder and more coherently this time. All I could do was smile and pull her into another kiss. She seemed calmer this time, more relaxed, but her heartbeat told a different story, as did mine. I could taste salt on her lips, like she had been crying. A small part of my mind wondered what she had been crying about. But it was overpowered by what was happening.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, our lips pressed together. But finally, we broke apart again. She took her hooves out from behind my back, but she didn’t go away. Instead, she simply laid back in her old position, her head in my lap. I bent down and placed a single kiss on her forehead, exactly like I had wanted to do earlier. But this time she just closed her eyes, letting me do it.

“Pearl.” I said quietly. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. “Are you ready to go outside?” It was a long moment before she did anything. I could see her eyes flashing back and forth, and I knew she was trying to speak. Finally, she stopped and looked back up at me.

“Yes.”