Twilight paced the library floor anxiously. She had spent the better part of the last hour switching between pacing and staring out the window at the mailbox. Spike had gotten rather annoyed until finally he couldn't take it any more. "Twilight! Please, just sit down," he snapped. "You're making me dizzy."
"Sorry, Spike," she said sheepishly. "I'm just so anxious about my Daring Do story. I've never written a fanfic before. I've read all the books though, so hopefully it will be great! If I win my story will be published in Paracosm. Can you imagine it, Spike? My first published story." Her eyes glazed over as she drifted off into fantasy.
Spike rolled his eyes. He was so sick of hearing about this contest. He couldn't wait until it was all over; he was beginning to worry about Twilight's mental health. She had not been sleeping much, if at all, the past week. Big bags had developed under her eyes, and her mane was starting to look awfully raggedy. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure when she had last bathed either. The library was starting to smell like a barnyard.
"Um, you could take a nice bath and relax while you wait," he suggested timidly. He grabbed his tail nervously, thinking about what had happened the last time she'd looked like this.
"No, no, I'm fine," Twilight replied, one of her amethyst eyes twitching.
"If you say so," Spike murmured, as he began slowly backing his way towards the front door. "Well, since you seem to have everything in hoof here, I'm just going to run to Sugarcube Corner." He opened the door and dashed out, slamming it shut behind him.
Spike breathed a sigh of relief as he walked quickly down the street. After dealing with Twilight's mood swings these past few days he deserved a special treat. Images of delicious things danced through his head, stopping at a certain gleaming blue cupcake. Spike began to drool thinking about the first bite of his sapphire cupcake.Twilight was soon forgotten as he picked up the pace, eager to get his delicious treat.
Soon after Spike’s departure, Twilight thought she heard the sound of her mailbox door opening. She trotted to the door and flung it open; sure enough, Ditzy Doo was just about to place a large manilla envelope in her mailbox. Twilight let out a squeal of excitement, galloping directly for the envelope. As soon as she was close enough, she snatched it up. Unfortunately for her, and poor Ditzy, close enough to grab it, meant too close to stop in time. She crashed headlong into the mail carrier sending her bag flying, and knocking her eyes straight.
Ditzy landed on her back with a muffled, "Oomph," as the wind was knocked out of her. Before she even had a chance to recover, her heavy mailbag came back down, landing on her face, and returning her to her former wall eyed glory, before rolling to a stop a couple feet away. Ditzy's eyes closed as and she slipped into unconsciousness.
Twilight recovered quickly, and jumped to her hooves, her eyes wide with shock. She stood over Ditzy, and prodded her gently with a hoof. The mailpony moaned softly, but didn't regain consciousness. Twilight glanced down at the envelope in her hoof, she was torn between her concern for the mare and her obsessive need to know what the editor of Paracosm had to say. She briefly weighed her options, and decided to go for the most expedient way of dealing with the situation.
Twilight galloped back into the library and got a big bucket of water from the kitchen. She raced back to Ditzy, bucket held aloft in her magic, and dumped the whole thing on the mail carrier's head. DItzy woke up sputtering, to see a crazed looking Twilight standing over her. She sat up slowly, and moaned, as a wave of dizziness washed over her.
"Thank Celestia, you're okay!" Twilight exclaimed, already backing towards the privacy of the library. "Sorry about all that." Twilight motioned vaguely to the bucket and mailbag. "All's well that ends well," she cried manically. She hoofed it inside and slammed the door shut behind her. She leaned against the door and caressed the envelope lovingly. Alone at last, she took a deep breath and ripped open the envelope.
Ditzy climbed slowly to her hooves, and dusted herself off. She had a killer headache, and she could feel her muzzle starting to swell. Why did these things always happen to her? She found herself trying to figure out what went wrong, as she picked up her mailbag. Sighing, she continued on her route, after all the mail must be delivered. Maybe when she was done, she would stop by the spa for a nice relaxing soak and a massage
.
Taking the small stack of paper out of the envelope Twilight curled up on the library floor in her favorite reading spot. She set the copy of her story aside, and turned her attention to the accompanying letters.
Dear Miss Sparkle,
We regret to inform you that we will not be publishing Eventide Shimmer and Daring Do's Spelunking Adventure. The whole thing is an unsure cross between hideous reality and improbable fantasy. It often becomes a wild neurotic daydream … I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.*
However, one of Paracosm's story editors, Steel Hoof has graciously offered his time to review your story, in an effort to help you improve. Enclosed is his review, and some helpful tips for the novice writer. Good luck in your future writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
Henry Wordsmith Longstallion
Editor in Chief
Twilight's eye began twitching a little faster, and she started grinding her teeth together. A wild neurotic daydream? She recalled the steamy scene she had added between Daring and Eventide, and blushed bright red. They didn't like it! How could they not want her story? It was perfect in every way! Eventide Shimmer was the best character ever. She was smart, funny, magically talented, and Princess Celestia's prized pupil. I mean, what's not to love? She huffed and picked up the next piece of paper in the packet.
Twilight,
I'm not going to do in depth at the moment because honestly I don't have the time or the patience to do so. It'll seriously take at least 30 minutes per page and I'm currently not in the mood.
However, I'll be generous and give you the following short points.
Structurally, it's okay. Grammatically and spelling wise, you're good to go, or at least there's nothing glaring.You've got good paragraphs, you indent and seemingly follow the rules of style. Very good, top marks so far.
Twilight raised her head, smiling. Finally, a pony with good sense. Of course, she had top marks. was she not Princess Celestia's prized pupil? What kind of writer would have grammatical and spelling mistakes anyway? Certainly not her. She returned her attention to the review.
Oh dear, is this written in first person? Well, that's not good. That's normally the sign of two things; The first being a novice writer, and the second is a self-insert fic. The former is forgivable, it's a faux pas that can be avoided in future. It's typically not well received because it takes a talented writer to pull it off, and a first timer is usually too green. The latter however sends up warning flares that this is simple wish fulfillment and that the narrator who is telling your story is none other than yourself.
This leads to the next point, she's a Mary Sue. She just meets Daring Do, and all of the sudden they are best friends off on an adventure together? Then Daring Do is falling all over herself to seduce Eventide? It's not believable, and honestly it's terribly written. Trying to shoehorn in a sexual reference without knowing the details is never a good thing. Perhaps try something a bit more… innocent than a clopfic. Slice of life one shot, perhaps?
Jumping up in a rage, Twilight's nostrils flared frantically, and smoke seeped out of them. All the color leached from her skin, her eyes turned bright red, and her mane and tail burst into flames. Twilight’s thoughts raged, A bucking Mary Sue! Not know the details? I READ A BOOK ABOUT IT! I HAD ALL THE DETAILS RIGHT!
Twilight's horn started glowing red as all the rage inside her exploded, setting Steel Hoof's review on fire. She collapsed on the floor, looking rather worse for the experience. Her fur, mane, and tail had charred patches, and wisps of smoke were rising from her coat. She lay there and panted, taking some small satisfaction in the burning review.
It was still burning when Rarity burst into the library, followed closely by Fluttershy. The mares looked around at the scene before them and exchanged a worried look. They'd been enjoying their usual spa day when Ditzy mentioned that Twilight was behaving strangely; so they'd decided to cut their spa day short, and go check on her. Still, this was worse than they had expected. "Darling, what's wrong?" Rarity cried, as she rushed to Twilight's side.
Between huge wracking sobs, the whole story spilled out. Fluttershy held her friend crooning softly to her, as though she were a wounded critter. Rarity glanced at the review, or rather the pile of ash that was left of the review. "It can't be that bad," Rarity assured Twilight. "It probably just needs a little sprucing up."
Twilight hiccuped. "You think so?"
"Absolutely, Darling," Rarity said, as she levitated the story and what was left of the packet of papers up. "I'll just take a look at it for you. Why don't you two have some tea while I read? I'm sure a nice cup would hit the spot." Rarity shot Fluttershy a meaningful look.
Fluttershy nodded and smiled gently at Twilight. "Tea does sound nice, if you don't mind, Twilight…"
Twilight rose slowly to her hooves, and leaned against Fluttershy as they made their way to the kitchen. Rarity looked through the papers first. She read the rejection letter. The rest of the papers appeared to be a second copy of the review. She tilted her head and wondered why there was two. She shrugged and began scanning it. The review began much like Twilight told them. Rarity picked up after the parts Twilight had described.
Parting thoughts? Didn't like it, and not simply because it's a clopfic. In its current state, this story is just bad. I'd say it's terrible, but then I'd just be repeating what everypony else already said. The story's premise alone is unusual enough, and would require some damn good writing to make it something decent, and even then, that sounds like a difficult task. I suggest either a rewrite, or a purging via fire, effective immediately. Current grade D-.
Rarity shuddered. It was a good thing Twilight burned the other copy of the review before she got to that part. She could only imagine what would have happened had her friend read that. They probably would have arrived to find the entire library burning to the ground. She stifled a nervous giggle, thinking about the burning review. Twilight certainly purged something by fire. Rarity looked back down at the page.
I always think that every writer has the potential to become great; you're no exception. It just takes a bit more work for some ponies to use that potential to its fullest. Goodbye, and best of luck to you.
~Steel Hoof -TWE's 'Not-so-nice' Nice Stallion
P.S. I sent two copies, in case the first copy got rage destroyed.
Rarity heard Twilight and Fluttershy coming back and quickly stuffed the review into a nearby book, shelving it. She levitated the copy of the story up and hastily began reading it
.
"Would you like some tea, Rarity?" Fluttershy asked, softly. She set down a tray containing a blue and white china tea set, lemon wedges, and sugar cubes. Twilight sat down at the table slumping dejectedly in one of the chairs.
"No, thank you," Rarity replied, with a wave of her hoof. "I will have some later."
Rarity returned to the story as Fluttershy poured the tea. She had to resist the urge to facehoof several times while reading it. She couldn't imagine how anypony who read as much as Twilight did, and was so smart, could write something so terrible. If she hadn't seen Twilight's reaction to the letter, and known her as well as she did, she'd think it was a it was a bad joke.
Then she got to the sex. She didn't know whether to laugh, or cry. Apparently, Twilight really was confused about the details. Rarity made a mental note to pick up a bottle of wine and invite Twilight over for some mare talk some night. Somepony had to set her straight.
As reluctant as she was to agree with the reviewer who had hurt her friend, she found herself agreeing; Eventide Shimmer was indeed, a Mary Sue. Rarity could see a glimpse of the friend she loved in the character, but just barely. Eventide and Twilight shared a general physical description, and some similar background things, but something was missing. Eventide was two dimensional. She was missing all the quirks and depth that made Twilight so wonderful.
Rarity quickly finished up the story and closed her eyes. She could hear Fluttershy quietly consoling Twilight as they sipped tea. She gathered up her thoughts. Twilight's letters to the Princess were so good. So what was so different here? Rarity nodded to herself, and placed the story down.
Twilight looked up from her tea cup as Rarity joined them at the table. Her expression was that of a whipped puppy, hurt, sorrow, and innocence lost. Rarity's heart ached for her friend, but she knew it was all for Twilight's own good. They were just trying to bring out the potential in a rough gemstone. Although somewhere deep down, she was glad that she was the embodiment of the element of generosity and not honesty; because Twilight's story was ghastly. No amount of sprucing up could fix it.
She poured herself a cup of tea and added a wedge of lemon, and a sugar cube. Rarity took a long sip, and closed her eyes. It did little to calm her nerves. She opened them anyway, and smiled at Twilight. She knew she had to choose her words carefully, so as not to discourage her friend.
"Well," Rarity began gently, "as I was reading your story, it seemed to me that something was missing. From what I have read of your letters, they have a voice that your story doesn't have, your voice. I don't know if it's the..." Rarity paused, clearing her throat, "subject matter."
Twilight flushed bright red. Why did everyone keep mentioning that? Was it possible she didn't have the details correct? She made a mental note to check some more books later. She shook her head, and refocused her attention on Rarity who was still speaking.
"I think you should try again, Twilight," Rarity smiled encouragingly at her friend. "Write something that speaks to who you are, something that interests you, and comes from your heart. If your writing speaks with your voice then ponies are sure to love it. Maybe you can write something about friendship."
Twilight perked up as Rarity spoke to her. "I was afraid nopony would be interested in the things that interested me," Twilight said. "Do you really think ponies would want to read that?"
"Of course they would," Fluttershy replied, patting her friend’s hoof comfortingly.
Twilight smiled at two of her best friends, grateful to have them in her life.
She felt so much better. She sat back and took a long sip of her tea. Maybe her friends were right, and she knew just want she wanted to write about now. She sighed with contentment, finally relaxing for the first time in days.
The three mares chatted and enjoyed each other's company for a couple more hours before they got ready to part ways. Rarity had been dreading this moment because, as Twilight's friend, she felt the need to tell her something else important. Given Twilight's recent fragile mental state, however, she didn't want to be as blunt as she normally would. After Fluttershy excused herself to go home and feed her animals, Rarity could no longer put it off.
Rarity wrinkled her nose in disgust as Twilight embraced her. The odor, it was nauseating. "Do you still have that zap apple bubble bath I got you for your birthday, Darling," she asked, hoping she sounded casual.
"Of course," Twilight replied, tilting her head. "Why?"
"I was just thinking, you've been so stressed the past few days. Why don't you take a nice relaxing bath and get some sleep?" Rarity suggested, smiling warmly at her friend.
"Mmmh, that does sound nice. I think I will. Thanks for everything, Rarity. I don't know what I would do without you guys."
"It's nothing, Darling. You would do the same for any of us. Speaking of which, can stop by the boutique tomorrow afternoon? I have some new designs I want to show you."
"Sure, I'll see you then," Twilight replied with a big smile, closing the door behind her friend.
Since Rarity had planted the idea, Twilight decided a bubble bath would be the perfect way to end the day. All she needed was a good book to read while she enjoyed a long luxurious soak. She looked around curiously, not seeing the book she had been reading earlier. It wasn't anywhere in the main room nor in its proper spot on the shelves. Twilight sighed to herself and began a thorough search.
Finally after about twenty minutes of searching, Twilight found the book haphazardly stuffed in the wrong bookshelf. She would really have to talk to Spike about making sure he was shelving the books properly. Still, she wasn't going to let one wrongly shelved book ruin her whole evening. She grabbed the book and went upstairs to draw her bath.
Spike hummed a little tune to himself, as he strolled leisurely home. His day had improved considerably. He had eaten not one, but two sapphire cupcakes. Plus, he ran into the beautiful Rarity on the way home. It seemed she managed to break Twilight out of her funk. Then again, that was no surprise; Rarity was not only beautiful, but talented too. Spike was actually looking forward to going home, now that the atmosphere was sure to be improved.
Twilight liberally squeezed the zap apple bubble bath into the hot water watching as the fragrant bubbles filled the tub. Once the tub was full, she shut off the faucets and slowly eased her body down into the hot sudsy water. She leaned back, sighing with contentment, and levitated her book over. As she opened it, a piece of paper fell out. Luckily, she managed to catch it before it hit the water.
Twilight stared at the piece of paper in shock. It was the review from earlier. It wasn't destroyed? She gulped, and glanced down at it. There was only two more paragraph left to read; maybe she should just finish reading it. How bad could it be? Perhaps she could even pick up a useful tip. So, the burgeoning writer took a deep breath, and began to read the final paragraphs. It appeared to be going okay, at first. That is until she got down to the end. There it was, staring her in the face, in red bold ink, a D-.
The water in the tub began to boil as Twilight burst into flames again. Her eyes shone with a demonic fiery glow, and her horn glowed a dark, angry, blood red. She was going to make sure this review never came back to haunt her again! Magic exploded from her horn, as a giant fireball blasted out, incinerating the review; and blasting a large circular hole through the wall behind it.
Spike found himself yanked away from thoughts of the lovely Rarity by a large BOOM! He stared wide eyed at the hole in the side of tree for a second, stunned. Spike raised a claw to his face, shaking his head. He would have to see if Apple Bloom could come repair the wall… again. He sighed and headed inside to check on Twilight. He figured the best place to look would be the room with the giant hole in the wall. He cautiously opened the bathroom door calling out, "Twilight? Are you okay?
Twilight looked over at Spike from her steaming bubble bath, and smiled dreamily, "I'm fine, Spike. I'm just relaxing, and planning my next story."
Author's Notes: *This is a sentence from a real publisher's rejection letter to a famous author.
I would like to thank T.W.E. reviewers Evil Homer, and FoughtDragon01, for allowing me to use parts of their real reviews in my story. I did add a bit to make the reviews fit better. I would also like to thank Skullman846 for doing my cover art.
That said, this is my first story on here, I hope you all enjoy it. With a little luck it won't get hit by a train.