//------------------------------// // One Bad Apple // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Somehow, preparing for the wedding was more badass than I imagined. I was actually kind of proud of the cake Sir Win and I managed to make. We’d decided to move the event to Sweet Apple Acres. The weather was going to be good. I’d never been to a successful outdoor wedding before, but since the weather in Equestria was controllable, there was no reason it wouldn’t be. I was still trying to get Fluttershy to own up that she really didn’t want to marry Pinkie, but was not making much progress. However, since discovering the joys of making wedding cakes, I had begun to feel conflicted about that. It seemed a shame to waste such a cake. I also wondered about my sudden turnaround in attitude. It was possible that Sir Win had used some sort of freaky demonic powers on me. On the other hand, it could have been the tequila. Since discovering my talent for growing agave, my general happiness level had skyrocketed. I’d tried to include some in the cake batter, but Sir Win declined. Since I liked him, I agreed. Part of the reason I liked him was that he had gotten me my soul for my birthday. It had not actually been my birthday, but I was not about to return a get-out-of-death-free-card. I’d merely picked a day that sounded plausibly like it could have been my birthday and spread the rumor. There were certain times of the year that were more likely to be someone’s birthday. For instance, mid-November birthdays were generally the result of Valentine’s Day sex. Speaking of making babies, there were some ponies that should have never been born. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, for example. I saw them sneaking around as I went out to the farm to speak with Applejack. Applejack and Braeburn were there. I nodded to them. “’Sup, Apples?” Braeburn looked at me distrustfully. I mean, I had kidnapped him a few times to replace his missing limbs, eye, and ear with cybernetic parts from a Twilight Sparkle-shaped terminator-type robot. Maybe he had a reason not to like me. “What is it, Valiant?” said Applejack. “Sir Win sent me to check up on the cider for the wedding,” I said. She nodded. “Oh yeah. Sorry, forgot that it was being picked up today. Follow me.” The two of us stepped out of the barn, although I didn’t know why we couldn’t just talk right there. “Why can’t we just talk right there?” I asked. “Braeburn’s back to havin’ bad dreams,” she said. “I could program him so he won’t.” She shook her head. “Ah think he just needs to get out of Ponyville for a while.” I figured I could help him with that. Applejack showed me where the cider was and I told her I would leave it there for a while because the wedding would now be coming to it, instead of the other way around. While I was there, I glanced at the Apple family entry into the Summer Harvest Parade, a float that looked like a giant pumpkin. As I walked back to town, I spotted a pegasus flying overhead. He was long-legged and dark blue in color with a red mane. I couldn’t see his cutie mark at that distance, but I knew it was a golden harp. The stallion’s name was Guinness. He was one of the very few other humans I’d met in Equestria, and we didn’t get along. He liked history and Rainbow Dash. I liked living in the present and not Rainbow Dash. As he headed for Ponyville, I broke into a run. I was trying to intercept Guinness before he managed to sex up Rainbow. I had no doubt that was his plan, as he’d done it before. That was right after he and I had been part of a little group that accidentally blew open Tartarus and brought Sir Win into our midst. While I could understand victory sex, I wasn’t pleased that he got it on with ponies so happily. Freaking zoophiles. I didn’t manage to catch up to the tall blue pegasus before running into the Black Twins. They stood in the middle of the road as if waiting for me. I’ve never been one to avoid confrontation, so instead of just going around them, I slid to a stop. “You both realize that I want to kill you, right?” Neither of them reacted. “You should be worried. About 80% of the things I want to kill I eventually do.” Still nothing. I growled and stepped around them, heading into town. I saw Rarity’s father fishing in the pond in front of his house. I thought about stopping and asking to borrow his pole so I could use the hooks to do nasty things to the Black Twins, but decided that since I was back on track, I should keep looking for Guinness. Sir Win met me on the street. I asked him if he could help me kidnap Braeburn. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I have a lot to do to prepare for the wedding,” he said. I frowned. “The last time we did this, Pinkie helped me, but she’s in the wedding. I guess I’ll have to find someone else.” I passed the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They looked upset about something. I didn’t know why. They’d all done a lot of growing up in the past few weeks. Sweetie Belle could put out a few sparks of magic with her horn, and Scootaloo was learning to hover for a few seconds at a time. Continuing on, I found Guinness checking out the decorations that were being put up for the parade. He was not pleased to see me, mostly because I put him in a choke hold from behind. “What are you doing here, asshole? I thought you were on a quest.” He gasped. Despite the fact he had a significant amount of height on me, I had a leverage advantage. “I was just getting supplies and visiting Dashie.” “What kind of supplies?” “Well, food and stuff. I also wanted to ask you a favor. I need some kind of weapon.” I was flattered, really. I let him go. “What did you have in mind?” “I have been fighting pirates, bandits, criminals, and other assorted bad guys. Make it something big.” I thought for a moment. “Well, I was considering possible ways to kill a couple of ponies. A broadsword sounded like a good way to accomplish that. I suppose I could make another one for you.” Guinness grinned. “Really?” “There’s a catch, though. You have to go to Pinkie and Fluttershy’s wedding.” “That does not sound so—” “And you have to help me kidnap Applejack’s cousin Braeburn.” His mouth dropped open for a moment, but he recovered quickly and shrugged. “It can not be any worse than what I agreed to do the last time I was in town.” “Speaking of bad things, I have no idea where to find Rainbow.” His eyes narrowed. “How did you know I was going to ask?” “Well, considering your track record, every time the two of you get close, sex tends to happen.” “I like her!” he protested. I shook my head. “Just don’t be surprised if the sword slips and castrates you.” I turned away and went about my business. That involved going to the hardware store and collecting supplies for swordmaking. I met the Crusaders there. “Valiant, finally somepony we can talk to!” said Sweetie Belle. The three of them ran over to me. “How are we supposed to deal with a bully?” asked Scootaloo. I shrugged. “Kick ‘em in the nuts.” “Mah cousin Babs Seed came from Manehattan and she’s a blank flank and we tried to get her to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but she’s really mean and stuff,” said Apple Bloom. “She,” I said. “Okay, so no nuts. That leaves…a cunt punt?” “A what now?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Forget that, or at least don’t tell anyone it was me that said it when you inevitably repeat the phrase.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, why are you even concerned with bullies? Don’t you have a giant robot? Sweetie Belle, aren’t you still practicing ninjutsu?” “Huh?” asked Apple Bloom and Scootaloo simultaneously. “It’s a boring thing,” said Sweetie Belle, neatly deflecting the question. “Well, I guess we do have some stuff she doesn’t have,” said Scootaloo, “but Babs is still a bully.” “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” I said. The three of them left with a few things. I went back to shopping and got what I needed. Later in the day, I heard that Babs had destroyed the Apple family parade float. The setting for the wedding at Sweet Apple Acres had been smashed by the runaway pumpkin. Wow, not even the third time was the charm. Even Guinness’s sort-of luck of the Irish, which was why I had wanted him to come to the event, hadn’t helped. Granted, that was probably because he was American, but any pony who had a beer logo on his ass was better than nothing. At any rate, he still had to help me kidnap Braeburn. The two of us went out to the farm that night, carefully avoiding the barn where I heard what sounded like three fillies building a new parade float while playing music from the A-Team. That couldn’t have been it, though. Braeburn, as usual, was easy to kidnap, and we got him back to Sir Win’s place. The demon had nothing to do after the wedding had been canceled once again, and gleefully helped me work on the sleeping stallion. Guinness looked like he was going to be sick with the wicked science we were doing and left the building. Braeburn had been fitted with three prosthetic legs, one eye, and one ear. We armored his remaining leg and torso, and traded his one electronic eye for a visor that enhanced vision to both. I had repurposed the internals of the night vision goggles Pinkie had given me, and the other optics, electronics, and cybernetics had been put together from various sources. I didn’t think Twilight knew I was using the experimental mind-electric interface she had developed for exactly not this reason. In the morning, Braeburn woke up. I was there to greet him. “Wow, for God’s sake Braeburn, Princess Peach is harder to kidnap than you.” He groaned. “Please don’t tell me you’ve done something to me.” “Indeed I did. Well, Sir Win helped, right?” The demon grinned. “Yes. I had fun fitting the metal on that broad chest of yours.” Braeburn shuddered, for various reasons. We got him up and trying out his new equipment. The modified legs ended in various retractable attachments like fingers, a can opener, a grappling hook, and a silly experimental gun I had been working on that probably didn’t function. With all the new stuff we’d done, he was looking a lot like Robocop. Or maybe Inspector Gadget. Sir Win and I stood on the street watching the parade after Braeburn had left in a hurry. It’s like he didn’t want to be Robocop or Inspector Gadget. I heard a few cries of moral quandary and trotted over to the Crusaders. “What’s up?” “Well, we just found out that Babs had been gettin’ bullied in Manehattan,” said Apple Bloom. “That’s why she came here and started bullying us,” explained Scootaloo. “But now we set her up for a prank, and feel bad about it,” whined Sweetie Belle. I shrugged. “So what? She would have done the same to you. Getting bullied is not any excuse to take it out on anyone else. Hell, even I know that. So, do I have to smack a filly or something?” “Just try and stop the float!” said Apple Bloom. I followed them as they raced forward along the parade route. Up ahead, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were talking to Babs as she piloted a golden apple float along the street. One of them said, “You’re too cool for mule!” A mule wearing cool-guy sunglasses overheard them and looked sad. DT and SS just didn’t care who they hurt. That was fine. I didn’t care if I hurt them. There was no time for childish violence on children, however. The Crusaders caught a ride with Pinkie, who had decided to wipe away her tears of yet another ruined wedding date by driving a giant head of lettuce. We took off after Babs in hot pursit. Pinkie was really broken up about the wedding thing and was making even less sense than usual. “Veggie salad!” she exclaimed. I patted her comfortingly on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, you’ll get married eventually.” Babs bumped our float and the salad tossed. Into a ditch, that is. The five of us picked our way out of the wreckage. Then I got distracted by the Black Twins. They were sitting on the hill watching, as if it was the grassy knoll and this was the Kennedy assassination. I suddenly remembered that my sword wasn’t finished and dashed away to work on that. Blacksmithing is pretty easy if you know how. I didn’t, but I sure tried. Slowly, the fine shape of a blade emerged from the steel I was hammering. The door opened and Guinness came in. I hadn’t invited him, and if I wasn’t in the middle of something I probably would have kicked his ass. Pegasi are easy to beat up when they’re indoors and unable to fly away. He wore a dreamy little smile that indicated that he’d gotten some recently. “Some” being Rainbow Dash’s female stuff. “So when is that sword going to be ready?” he asked. “No idea. First I have to make mine, then I’ll kill the Black Twins, then I can start on yours. It would go faster if you’d leave me alone.” “Well, I—” I held up a hoof as I turned back to my work. “Stop. Hammer time.” He chuckled. It was nice to find someone who actually understood my Earth jokes. Pity I hated him so much. The Black Twins were not on the hill when I went back to find them. Probably because it took a couple of days to forge the sword. I had it strapped to my back, and was ready to menace them with it. Then I would kill them, because what fun is menacing when you can be slaying? I looked around the whole town for them, but had no luck. As the day wore on, I grew more and more frustrated. Braeburn came into town. I walked over to him to check if perhaps he had seen my sworn enemies. He hadn’t, and was on his way out of Ponyville. “It’s time to see some new country,” he said. I followed him to the train station, mostly to see how his fellow passengers would react to his new robotic exterior. Applejack, the Crusaders, and Babs were also at the station. The former bully had apparently turned good in the blink of an eye, as many villains seemed to do around these parts. Twilight had once explained to me that there was a small betting pool on when I myself would turn good. I was somewhat flattered, but mostly irritated. As Babs made ready to board the train, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon appeared. “Aha! Just the fillies I wanted to see.” I walked towards them. Babs shrugged and got on the train. “What do you want?” asked Silver Spoon. “Justice.” I leaned forwards. “What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you?” They both took a step backwards. I went on. “The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn of your beatdowns is coming.” Before I could scare them with more semi-quotes from Batman, I was distracted by the Black Twins again. In a rage, I drew my sword and charged in their direction. I was just about within range when a burst of magic sent the sword flying out of my hooves and high into the sky. Guinness was flying over Ponyville at that moment and ducked as the blade nearly decapitated him. He’d gotten bored waiting on me to make another one, and was leaving town. I watched the sword fall somewhere in the Everfree Forest. Guinness glared down at me and kept flying. My gaze dropped back to the Black Twins. Both of their horns were glowing and they stared at me intently. I wasn’t sure if they were angry, trying to burn my brain up, or some combination of the two. I quickly came up with a new attack plan. I knew what I would do to Woody. For Beauty, I would just have to wing it. Jumping forward, I aimed a kick at the stallion’s crotch. My hoof slammed off something I hadn’t seen and I went tumbling to the ground. The two of them advanced on me. “I’ve heard of hard nuts to crack, but this is ridiculous,” I muttered as I lay on my back with both of them standing over me. They were backlit from the sun, and I squinted. “It’s a basic groin protection spell,” said Woody. “Too bad you’re an earth pony,” said Beauty. My eyes widened. Surely they wouldn’t… They did. My eyes snapped shut and my whole body involuntarily curled into the fetal position. Tears came to my eyes, and I gasped. Then, because it hurt so much, I gasped again. Several minutes passed before I was able to open my eyes. I still couldn’t move. The Black Twins had departed. In their place, I saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They were grinning maliciously. “Is the poor widdle stallion in testicle-wrenching pain?” asked Diamond in a baby voice. “What a loser,” laughed Silver. I glared at them through the agony and pulled up a mental list, preparing to add their names to it. At my earliest convenience, the two of them were going to die. The character Guinness is property of Altoid