It had been a few weeks since the Spy had finally returned from his stay in the magical land of Equestria. In that time, between waves of robots, he told his team the things he had encountered, the ponies he met (and impersonated), and the sights he had seen. To be frank, most of the team couldn't help but be reminded of the one time when the Engineer had made goggles for everyone that made them see what the Pyro saw, only slightly less insane. Regardless, they listened to the Frenchman's tales with mild enthusiasm; after all they had seen, a world filled with talking pastel horses didn't seem that out there. But out of all of the team, the Medic in particular had a certain interest in these stories of Equestria. It probably helps that, in his off time, he studied the hair of one of those "unicorns" that the Spy had managed to "trick into giving me a free trip back home". The doctor didn't find much, but he did realize that he needed, above all else, more samples. And what better way to do that than acquire a live specimen?
It was this line of thinking that eventually made the rest of the team draw straws to see who was going on a trip to another world in order to further a mad scientist's research (the Spy, naturally, was exempt). Everyone found the results to be perfectly acceptable.
"What the hell! This was rigged!"
At least, almost everyone.
"Come now, tiny man. Vacation in pony land could do some good for you."
"Listen, I ain't goin' t' no girly pony universe, alright? And there's nothin' any of you can do t' make me!"
5 seconds later...
"OH GOD ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'LL GO I'LL GO JUST STOP PUNCHIN' ME!"
So, through the wonders of negotiation, it was decided. At least, until the Scout brought up a certain wrinkle in the plan.
"But wait, Spy said that Hale knew he was there, so what's gonna keep 'im from just sending me right back?"
"I thought you might ask that," the Spy spoke up. Opening a nearby door, the Scout came face to face with his BLU counterpart, dressed in a red shirt like his own.
"You just go t' that weird pony place," he said, "and I'll handle all dem robots!"
Knowing there was truly no way out of it, the RED Scout sighed. "Fine. How am I gettin' dere?"
"Well," the Spy said, "I got there when I was coated in jarate, shot with ze Engineer's Pomson, teleported, and ubered-" He shot the Medic a venomous glance. "-at ze same time."
There was a short silence, followed by the Scout asking, "So... What? Would that work again?"
"Well, way I see it," the Sniper spoke from the corner of the room, clutching a jar of suspicious yellow fluid, "there's only one way t' find out."
"...This is gonna suck, ain't it?"
Sure enough, it did suck. After many attempts, and many jars of piss, it finally worked, however. There was a large flash of light, as was usual when using the Engi's teleporters, and the Scout found himself looking at a deep blue sky.
"...huh. That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be," he said to himself. "In fact, it's kinda nice."
And then he looked down.
"...how the hell am I supposed to react to fallin' from very high up in the sky? Oh, I know."
He screamed loudly as he fell. It seems that his adventures in Equestria were off to an amazing start.
After falling for ten seconds, he gave up screaming and decided to just plummet in silence. Well, silence besides the rushing wind. As the trees of a forest rushed up to greet him, the Scout suddenly remembered that he was the Scout. And something the Scout is known for is...
Just before he made contact with the foliage, he jumped in mid-air, killing all of his momentum. As he started falling again, he crashed through the trees, landing on several branches before getting dumped unceremoniously onto the ground rather painfully. After wallowing in his pain for a minute, he decided that nothing was broken and that he could get up. Doing just that, he looked around, seeing trees, trees, and-
"More frickin' trees, yeah, we get it. When do I start beatin' heads in?"
God damn it, Scout, we discussed this. You just be in this story, and I'll get you that hat. That means you don't give me any lip, understand?
"Yeah, yeah, sheesh. Ya sound like my ma."
After massacring the fourth wall in a matter of a few seconds, the Scout picked a random direction and started walking. There were the occasional animals in the forest, but they all ran at the sight of the human. This only fueled his massive ego.
"That's right, ya dumb critters, Scout's here, so you betta run!"
He continued, taunting the fleeing creatures and generally being a narcissistic little prick the whole time ("Hey, screw you, man.") Eventually, he began to hear what sounded like little girls. If what the Spy had said was true, then they must be ponies. And if they were ponies, then that means he could grab them and get out of this place faster.
The question was, how the hell was he supposed to get them back to the Medic? Oh, well. He'd burn that bridge when he got to it.
Doing his best to remain stealthy (which was surprisingly well, considering his usual attitude), he crept into some nearby bushes, hoping to pinpoint the location of the voices. This became easier when the voices turned into screams of terror.
Foregoing stealth, the Scout charged in the direction the screams came from. He reasoned that little girls (er, "fillies", as the Spy said) generally had either mothers or older sisters to worry about them. He didn't give any thought at the moment to the fact that they would all be horses here. Again, bridge, burn, when he got to it.
Emerging into a clearing, he saw three small horses of varying colors cowering before a large lion... scorpion...winged... thing. Whatever it was, it looked pissed.
Reaching into his pack, the Scout realized that he only had his trusty Sandman bat and ball with him. Why he didn't think to bring, oh, say, anything else was beyond him. Still, he doubted he would need anything else for this fight.
Alas, if only he could use his ego as a weapon.
"Yo heads up!" the Scout called before knocking the ball towards the creature. It hit it perfectly on the head, knocking its attention away from the fillies and to the human holding the wooden baseball bat. It roared at the newcomer.
"Sorry, didn't mean t' hit ya, No, wait, yeah I did!" he taunted, readying his bat for attack. The creature roared again before charging the Scout. He was ready, and he easily dodged the thing's scorpion tail and claws. He landed a hit on its paw, although it got little reaction other than a dull thwack. The creature didn't even bat an eye as it began attacking again.
While the two fought, the fillies saw fit to make their escape. If either of them were paying attention, they would have noticed this. As it were, though, the Scout was busy taunting as the creature's tail was dodged again.
"Missed me again, you freak of nature!"
And again.
"Come on, are you even trying?"
And again.
"Look at this, I'm not even winded! Step it up, Simba!"
And aga-
*STABBING SOUND EFFECT*
"OH GOD THAT IS VERY PAINFUL!"
Whoops, spoke too soon. The thing had finally landed a hit on the Scout, embedding its tail in his arm. As the poison coursed through his veins, his pain only grew.
"I'M SORRY! I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE, I'M TOO HANDSOME!"
The creature removed its tail and stabbed again.
"AAAGH PAINPAINPAINPAIN!"
And again.
"I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS RIGHT NOW! MAINLY FOR COMING HERE!"
And again.
"THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY, GIRLY PLACE! WHY AM I BEING STABBED IN THE NECK BY A LION-SCORPION THING THEN?!"
And one more time for good measure.
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL JUST DIE NOW."
And so he did.
Back at the Mann Co. mining museum, the mercenaries had just finished up another wave of robots. As they went back to the base, they noticed something in their peripheral vision:
"Already? I was bettin' on it taking more than one day, at least."
"Tiny Scout is not fit for wilderness."
"Zat dummkopff... Well, let's see if ve can't get him back."
The Medic, Spy, and Engineer all entered the respawn room just in time to see the Scout pop back into existence (when the Spy learned that he would've still respawned back at the base if he had died in Equestria... well, let's just say it wasn't pretty).
"Not. One. Word," he said. "Just send me back so I can get payback on dat thing that killed me."
"Alright then," the Texan answered. "Hey, Sniper?" he called out.
"Yeah?"
"We're gonna need more piss."
This time, the Scout made sure to equip himself with his scattergun and pocket pistol, as well as the Sandman. Also, the Engineer set the Scout's headset up to receive radio signals across dimensions, and the Heavy gave him a few sandviches ("It maybe make you into giant man, like me!"). Now properly equipped, the Scout suffered through many jars of urine before it worked again. He was about to start looking for that thing again, but then he noticed that he was high up in the sky again.
"...well fu-"
His curse was cut short as he once again fell into the magical land that is Equestria.