//------------------------------// // Ponies ahoy! (big american prologue) // Story: Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// If you haven't read this, you probably won't know what the fuck is going on... Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic -- You either die humping, or you live long enough to see yourself get humped. "I'm home!" I shouted as I pushed open the front door to my suburban house. I placed my hat up on a rack and set down my brief case as I entered, glad to finally be home after another long day at the office. I stepped into the living room to see Humples, my daughter, lounging on the couch texting on her phone that the kids were all into these days. As soon as she turned twelve she begged me until I got one for her, and it seems like she hasn't put it down since... That was years ago... "Hey Humples. How was school today?" I asked in an attempt to start a conversation. She continued to text for a few seconds before registering that I said something and looking up with her half-halo, half-pterodactyl-space-dragon head. "What?" She asked after a second. "How was school?" I asked again. "IDK. It was alright, I guess..." She trailed off as she went back to texting mid sentence. I realized once again that trying to talk to her is futile, and I continued into my bedroom. Once inside I undid my tie and threw it across the bed. I was far too tired to care about paltry things like organization. After a moment I joined it, laying visor first across the mattress. Too tired to even get up to turn off the lights, I just laid there thinking of the same things I always do. "What am I doing with my life?" I mumbled to myself as I thought about how my life had progressively gone down hill over the years. I used to be so young and full of spunk. Now I have all this responsibility and stuff. Responsibility sucks! Who thought it was a good idea? Whoever invented responsibility deserves an open-palmed slap to the face. I blame my stupid kids. Always expecting stuff without giving anything in return. Well that's not entirely true, they give me grief and frustration. Kids... Can't live with them, can't break their necks because there are laws against murder. Being a single dad sucks. Why did Ridley have to leave me? Well, I know why she did. After a few years she got frustrated with taking care of a family and she missed her job as a pterodactyl-space-dragon. She didn't want us to hold her down anymore or something like that. Then one day she just up and left to go fight Metroid man in space, leaving me to take care of the kids. Then I had to get a shitty job to pay the bills... At least the kids are almost grown up. Facerape and Buttrub already have jobs and shit, so I hardly ever see them. They only come to me when they need my help with something. Hopefully soon they'll leave forever and I can go back to my old life of killing and humping. If only... That's never gonna happen. This dimension is nothing like that old one. There's a society and laws and other stupid shit. I mean, I could go on a rampage or something. Maybe go to a mall and murder the fuck out of a ton of innocent civilians and then hump them all, but then the SWAT team would bust in and wreck my shit. Then I'd be the one getting humped... I really don't want to get humped by the SWAT team... Even that pony world had more stuff to hump than here. I humped at least a hundred bug ponies, and I was only there for a few days... Not to mention the ponies were pretty nice. They taught me how to sleep and everything! I sighed to myself as I shook those memories out of my head. I'll never get to go back, I just need to accept that. With that thought, I finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the good old days with Bungie. -- "Wake up, Chief. I need you." The first thing I noticed was that it was really cold. Like, extremely cold. My room is never this cold! I grunted and shook my head slightly as my eyes opened. "Chief! Easy, you've been out for a while." What the fuck, this isn't my room! "Where am I?" I demanded from the voice. It seemed to be coming from some blue babe on the other side of the room. "We're still adrift on the dawn." She stated. Like I know what the fuck that means... "Who the hell are you? What's going on?" I asked, hoping to get right to the point. She ignored my questions, though. "Hang on. Bringing your systems online now. I rewrote your suits firmware while you were out." "Bitch, answer my questions!" I demanded, but once again got ignored. "Activating the ship's gravity generators." Another computerized voice blared through some speakers. "Partial system restoration. Initializing system diagnostics..." Suddenly a bunch of stuff fell from the ceiling as the artificial gravity apparently turned on. "Chief - look up." Commanded the blue chick. Apparently I'm a chief. I didn't even know I had any native american heritage. Maybe I'm part Asstech! Get it? Because Aztec, and I have a robot butt... My jokes haven't gotten any better over the years... "You need to pull the manual release." I looked up and, sure enough, there was a lever there. I was about to not do that, just to show her she can't tell me what to do, but then I remembered that she's just across the room. I can just open this thing up and them pimp slap her into submission for ignoring my questions. I reached up and pulled the lever down, opening the glass hatch in front of me. I stood up and was about to rain sweet justice on her bitch ass, when suddenly three more of those pod things opened up too. Out of each one came an olive green halo, and they all had the same armor. "Oh great, same fags..." I stated unhappily. "Eat a dick." Responded one of the other halos. The group of them all walked up next to the pedestal where the blue chick was standing, so I moved in to join them. "Seems like old times." She stated, seemingly unaware of the hell I was about to bring. I guess she's used to being surrounded by four men. If you know what I mean... I pushed past the other halos and swung a mighty back handed pimp slap at her, strong enough to put even the heartiest of hoes in their place, but it just passed through. "What?" I questioned as I tried again, and again. Finally I gave up and turned to the other halos. "What is this witchcraft?!" "That's Cortana. She's like, a robot, or something." Responded one of them. "No." Argued another. "She's not a robot, she's a ghost! See how stuff passes through her." "Not-uh. Ghosts are purple, she's blue." He argue back, using flawless logic. "Shut your dirty, flapping mouths." I called out before they could continue bickering, getting all of their attention. I wanted some answers and arguing would only delay that. "Alright, she's a magical ghost robot." I compromised. "Why is she magic?" Questioned the third one. "No one said anything about magic." What, is this halo full of stupid or something? "How is she not magic? I mean, there's no way your science can explain that!" I pointed to the magical female ghost robot floating in the air. "Besides, almost everything is magic..." "He has a point..." Agreed one of the other halos. "Like this one time, I saw some guy doing card tricks. My mind was greater than or equal to blown." I nodded in consent. How do card tricks even work? No way that's not magic! "Anyone know what's going on here?" Thankfully, one of the halos in the group was a big huge lorefag. "Don't worry, I'm Master Chief, the greatest halo ever. We're on my space ship and we just came out of cryosleep." He explained. "Bull shit!" Yelled one of the other halos. "I'm Master Chief!" "Not-uh!" Argued the third one. "That's what I am, not you!" "If you're Master Chief, then why is that what I am? Can you explain that?" At this point I noticed my arms. Instead of being covered in my sexy purple armor, they were coated in some lame olive green stuff. I looked down at the rest of my body and noticed that it looked just like the other three halos' armor. But that could only mean one thing... "Shiiiiit!" I called out, getting the other halos' attention. "I think I'm Master Chief." The blue chick did call me 'chief'. "NO!" They all yelled at the same time before going back to arguing. All this arguing is counter productive... I really aughta' do something about that. Luckily, I know exactly how to get to the bottom of this. "May I have your attention please?" One of them looked over, but the other two were still arguing. "May I have your attention please?" They finally stopped and looked at me. "Will the real Master Chief please stand up?" Everyone remained standing. "I repeat, will the real Master Chief please stand up?" Once again, everyone was standing. "We're gonna have a problem here..." Well that didn't work. How could we all possibly think we're each Master Chief? Then it became so clear, we all look the same after all. "Guys..." I called out, once again getting their attention. "This is purely theoretical... But what if... Just bear with me here... We are all Master Chief...?" They all looked at me like I was crazy. At least, I assume that's how they looked at me. It's surprisingly hard to read someone's expression when they're wearing a helmet. Then again, I don't think halos wear helmets. We're just robots. I think... But, we eat and stuff which would imply that we are living... Perhaps we're cyborgs. Yes, that explains everything! "I don't think-" One of them was about to argue, but got interrupted. "Actually, that kinda makes sense. Hear me out here. We all look the same, and we all think we're Master Chief. So, we must all be Master Chief." Try as they might, the other two halos couldn't find a problem with that argument. With that out of the way, we were finally able to move on. "So what in Bungie's name are we gonna do now?" I asked, hoping it involved killing and humping. "Bungie?" Questioned the same halo that I previously confirmed to be a lorefag. "You mean 343?" Needless to say, I was confused. "No, I'm talking about Bungie, our lord and creator..." "343 created us. 343 is god!" I was slightly offended, but perhaps 343 is another word for Bungie. Either way, I'm not about to get into a religious debate with this weirdo. I'm a firm believer that all halos were created by Bungie in his image and that he sent his only son in the form of aliens for us to kill. "Anyway... What are we gonna do now?" I asked again. Cortana, AKA stupid bitch face, answered that for us. "We've got intrusion alerts lighting up on multiple decks. Our best bet to figure out who's boarding us is the observation deck - four floors up." The other Master Chiefs and I turned to each other as it became painfully obvious that it was alien killing time. We all nodded, not needing to speak at all as we ran out of the room, assault rifles in hand. I don't want to bore you with all the details, but from there we went on an amazing adventure. One that involved killing hundreds of aliens, ancient human robots, and even some humans. Admittedly, it was me who killed all the humans. I mean, why would Bungie make them exist if he didn't want us to kill them? That's what being a halo is all about, killing everything! I even tried to teach them how to tea-bag. But, like all adventures, it eventually came to an end. After setting up a bomb or something and killing Cortana (thank Bungie, that bitch was annoying), I found myself reborn as a very different halo. My armor was all different, and I could actually change my color! Of course, I instantly turned it lavender with dark purple highlights. Purple is a man's color, and as the name would suggest, I am a man! After that, the passage of time became impossible to keep track of. I got teleported into random closed off battlefields and killed halo after halo, game after game. It was just like old times. And that brings us to the present. I spawned in on fagnarok, or ragnacock, or whatever it's called. All you need to know is that it's a big grassy place with a river and hills and halo bases. So basically every halo map. I was bored so I was doing some infinity slayer. Much like regular slayer, but after about a minute everyone starts spawning in tons of power weapons and it gets really stupid. The first thing I did was run towards where the sniper rifle spawned, but some idiot on my team got it first. I'm not a big huge sniper fag, but I've found that most of the other halos are terrible at everything they do. That includes sniping, so I usually try to pick it up since I'm slightly less terrible. At least, I'd like to think I am... I sighed in frustration as I saw him put it on his back and run through the lift that launched him into the middle of the map. Something I learned as a halo is the only time you go through lifts is when you want to die. Mainly because most of them launch you into really stupid places. Oh well, I'm sure the rest of the team isn't complete shit... That thought barely left my massive brain meats when I spotted one of my teammates driving the Mantis, AKA a big mech warrior/gundam, to the top of the hill. "No way he's that stupid..." I said to myself, hoping that he wouldn't be dumb enough to make the same mistake every halo makes when they get in it. Two seconds later he walked to the top of the big hill in the middle and got hit by a spartan laser, resulting in his timely death via explosion. I can't say I didn't see that one coming. At least we still have our banshee... Less than a second later it exploded as someone nailed it with a rail gun. I look over to see my teammate with a smoking rail gun in hand. "Oh come on!" I yelled out. Why is my team always so bad? Come to think of it, pretty much everyone is bad... Perhaps it's just that other halos have a fetish for getting in vehicles and exploding. I don't know... Perhaps I'm just being cynical. Deciding not to brood on how terrible everyone else is at everything, I started to head out of the base. I was careful to stay in cover as much as I could. If you go into the open for even a second you just get slaughtered by DMR's from across the map. For some reason, aiming guns is really easy now... Not like in the old days when there was bloom... I got about halfway across the map when I saw a blue halo running around in the open. He obviously wasn't very smart. No more than four bullets later and he was a blue corpse. Sadly I couldn't hump him from here. A corpse without a hump is like a Bambi's mom without a bullet through the head. What I mean to say is, it's just not right. Then I saw something on my motion detector. I quickly switched on my super prediderp vision, or promethean vision if you'd prefer, and spotted him running around below the small cliff I was on in the river like a big idiot. He was dead before he hit the ground... I jumped down onto his body, humping him into submission and absorbing his delicious DMR bullets into my body. Sadly, I wasn't able to sit there humping him all day, as I heard a very familiar sound. The sound of an incoming ghost! No, not Cortana! She's a magical robot ghost, that's different. She's also dead! Then again, that should just make her a double ghost, but I digress. I turned towards the small purple vehicle and pulled out my plasma pistol, AKA the EMPeePeePuncher. I scratched that into the side of it. Now everyone knows about my #Legithaloswag. I usually use the bolt shot, since it's dumb and over powered, but on a big map like this with lots of vehicles having an EMP is more useful. I also have some plasma grenades for the same reason. I charged it up, ready to unleash a ball of green plasma onto the enemy ghost which was coming right at me. "Eat lasers you son of a church!" I was about to fire, when I noticed that the plasma pistol wasn't the only thing glowing, which was confusing, to say the least. I looked at my arms, instantly forgetting the vehicle that was after my nuts. "Wha-" I managed to say before the ghost impacted with my chest. It exploded, not even harming me in the least bit. My gaze continued down to see my whole body now glowing an eery green color. The last time this happened I teleported to a land full of magical, colorful ponies... Oh... The light continued to brighten, engulfing my vision, and I suddenly felt very light headed. I fell down, splashing into the river. Thankfully I'm not an infant, or I'd probably drown. Then again, halos are capable of drowning instantly if fully submerged in water. Probably because we're cyborgs and everybody knows those don't like water. Luckily, that didn't happen, though. After a short bout of weightlessness, I felt myself lying against the ground, trying to blink away the light that had assaulted my eyes. "I think something went wrong..." "This isn't Halo man at all!" "Shhh shhh. I think he's waking up, we'll just introduce ourselves like last time and it should be alright." Wait! I recognize those voices! No doubt it's the ponies. The last one sounded like princess Celery... No, that's not correct. Whatever, close enough. I know it starts with a 'C'. After a second I was able to get my vision back and I pushed myself up off the white, marble floor. The ponies all took a step back as though I would suddenly attack them, except Celery who fixed her eyes on my visor. "Hello, I'm princess Cel-." "Yeah yeah, I know." I cut her off. I wasn't really mad at her, but she did send me to the wrong dimension... I at least owe her a strongly worded letter. "Halo man?" She questioned, seemingly recognizing my sexy and awe-inspiring voice. How could anyone forget it? Whenever I talk it's like having your ears gently caressed by the loving proboscis of a giant wasp- wait... No... I meant to say 'by an angel'. "Yep, that's me. Who were you expecting?" I asked jokingly. The other ponies calmed down once they realized it was me. In fact, they seemed excited. "For a second there, I thought we got the wrong halo." Said Celer- I really shouldn't have cut her introduction off. Now it's going to be really embarrassing if I need to say her name. "You look different." She continued. I looked down and, sure enough, I do look kinda different. I mean, my armor is the same purple color, but it looks all weird. The design is all different. I also had to replace my unicorn emblem with a regular pony emblem... It's just not the same... Next, I had a stupid red visor. All I want in life is a rainbow visor so I can look and feel like a sex lord. Or even a magenta visor... "Yeah, well it's been like 20 years. Things change." I answered back, though that's not entirely true. I looked entirely the same until quite recently. She looked fairly confused by that. Thankfully the ponies don't wear helmets all the time so I can actually read their facial expressions. "You've only been gone for a little over four months..." She stated. What? Well I suppose that explains why none of the ponies look old now. Then again, they could all be immortal for all I know. "For serious?" I finally asked. "Ummm. Yeah." The princess said, seemingly not familiar with my hip lingo. Though, talking like that probably went out of style ten years ago, but they don't have to know that. "Well I guess time worked differently where you sent me." It's the only logical explanation. "Speaking of which, I'm not very happy with you right now." I said, pointing at her and her sister menacingly. "Haha... What are you talking about?" She asked before donning an awkward smile. I can practically taste her guilt! "You know what you did. You sent me to the wrong dimension!" I yelled, flailing my arms dramatically to further prove my irritation. "What?" She asked in what would sound like shock to the untrained ear, but I know better. She knows what she did! "I could have sworn we got the spell to send you back right. I hope we didn't send you anywhere too horrible." Too horrible?! Do they even comprehend how much responsibility I had? It was like torture! At least they didn't send me to the nightmare chainsaw dimension... "It was pretty bad..." I grumbled remembering this one time I had to change Facerape's diaper. I'm pretty sure part of my soul died on that day. "Oh..." Was all she managed to say. What followed was a long awkward silence where no one wanted to say anything. Eventually, I got bored of the silence and spoke up. "So I assume you summoned me here for a reason..." The princesses looked relieved that the awkwardness had been lessened slightly, and the white one even graced me with a smile. "Of course. But we should go somewhere more private to discuss this." She motioned for me and the other ponies to follow and I reluctantly did. Oh great... More pony adventures... That's just what I need... Then again, it could be fun.