The Cthuluigi Mythos

by Cthuluigi


The Three Rules

Characters: Shining Armor & Hayseed Turnip Truck
Location: Dodge Junction

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The Three Rules

As he stood in the train’s doorway, Shining Armor let out a sigh, his blue eyes rolling over the scenic Dodge Junction. He couldn’t imagine a less eventful place if he tried.

Being the leader of the Royal Guards, he supposed he should appreciate the calm and tranquil times in life, as it meant less death-defying risks and more… well, not-death-defying ones. Shining Armor always had trouble getting that philosophy and his love for feeling useful to coexist, though.

Shining Armor’s First Rule: Whatever age, gender, or species you are, you can be of help to somepony, somewhere. Never be that pony that doesn’t seek out his or her place in life. Never be useless.

When his cutie mark first appeared, a dark blue shield with a pink, six-pointed star on it, and three smaller blue stars above it, he knew exactly one way he was going to be useful. Being the protective older brother of his dear little sister, Twilight Sparkle, was just warm-up for his true purpose. He was going to protect all of Equestria, if he could help it.

But acting as the nation’s protectorate was just one way of keeping himself useful to others. For example, as a newlywed to Princess Cadance, he wanted to scout out a location for their first vacation as a married couple. One not-so-subtle tip about “the beauty of Old West” later, and here he was.

“Shooooooot! Mr. Armor, ain’t ya gonna get movin’ anytime soon?” drawled one particularly bedraggled earth pony behind him, in an accent almost silly enough to make the unicorn laugh. Shining Armor felt a hoof prod him in his back.

And here he was.

Shining Armor’s Second Rule: Some ponies will not seek out the chance to realize their potential. Don’t let yourself be influenced by them.

It wasn’t like he chose to interact with this pony on the train ride. Hayseed Turnip Truck – that was his full name – evidently took to the stalwart unicorn within seconds of finding out they had adjacent train seats. Within just as many seconds after the fact – or at least it seemed that way – Hayseed proved himself to be trusting enough of Shining Armor to divulge all sorts of information that would normally be spread out over years of acquaintanceship: his address, his birthday, his dreams, his family, and of course, the invitation to “drop by an’ chat” with him whenever the unicorn wanted.

All of which had been said without much beyond one-word answers from Shining Armor.

I ‘spose we ain’t known each other that long, Hayseed had said, but yer my friend Rarity’s friend Twilight’s kin, so I reckon that makes us like family!

Perhaps that was the earth pony’s personality, or just the effect that somepony like Shining Armor had on others. He didn’t care to make the distinction.

Shining Armor wasn’t callous or dismissive – or, at least, he didn’t want to think of himself as that – but he didn’t find a lot to be impressed with by Hayseed. He was unkempt, not too bright, and didn’t seem to pick up on common social cues easily. Anypony like that who tried to join the Royal Guard would find themselves out on their flank within the hour. And true to both his name and his cutie mark; a trio of turnips, freshly picked out of the ground, he lived by farming turnips – growing and harvesting them, then selling them at the marketplace to make a living. He was just confused by that. That hardly sounded like a way to really live life.

What about your sister’s friend, Applejack? She does the same thing, albeit with apples!

“She’s different,” the unicorn silently answered himself, “If Twilight sees what makes her a good friend, I can respect that.”

Except Hayseed here is a friend of one of your sister’s friends.

“Shut up, brain.”

He hated not being able to answer his own double standards, but it came with the territory of living off only a few established rules. He supposed it was the reason the earth pony was still standing to keep talking instead of the unicorn just locking him in a spare train cart by himself or just tossing him onto the tracks, or one of any number of solutions to stopping a motor mouth that Shining Armor had the grace to keep to his fantasies.

Another hoof prodding his back brought Shining Armor back to reality. Letting out another small sigh, he stepped forward off the platform, letting the now-impatient crowd of passengers behind him follow. As he slowly walked through Dodge Junction, the ponies once behind him walked past him, some shooting him angry glances for holding up the train. Shining Armor managed not to glare back.

One pony walked alongside him, step-for-slow-step. The mullet-maned motor mouth evidently didn’t have anything better to do.

“Dodge Junction’s a sure fine nice place ta be, don’t ya think, Mr. Armor?”

Shining Armor grunted a reply.

“Now I’m just here ta see the mayor or whoever’s in charge of this here side o’ Equestria, cus I reckon I could get one o’ my cousins to set up a turnip stand here, but what about ya, Mr. Armor? What brings ya here?”

Shining Armor hesitated.

Sheesh, Shining Armor, he’s just trying to be nice! How in Tartarus did Cadance find you worth marrying if this is how you’re acting?

The voice was so self-critical that it took the unicorn a while to realize it was coming from within himself.

“…Princess Cadance, my new wife, wanted me to look at this place personally. It's our first vacation as a married couple, and she seems to like places like this.”

Hayseed’s eyes went wide as he stood still for a moment. Shining Armor would’ve gladly taken this chance to put more distance between them, had he not been worried that he somehow broke the earth pony’s mind.

“Yer married ta a princess?” Hayseed asked, his jaw seemingly dangerously close to striking oil as he trotted to keep up with Shining Armor. “Princess Cadance? Ah man, Mr. Armor, lemme tell ya, I’m so happy fer ya! Ya got yerself a mighty purdy wife there! An’ ain’t she just the sweetest pony I ever met? She ever tell ya she likes turnips?”

It was the unicorn’s turn to offer a confused glance. “…No, actually. If she did, I honestly don’t remember, but I don’t think she ever told me.”

“Aww, Mr. Armor, ya can’t have yer wife keepin’ secrets from ya like that! Lemme tell ya, I got a sweet little missus back home myself, an’ she’s the greatest thing ta ever happen ta somepony like me, but she ain’t no good at communicatin’ most o’ the time! Like the time I tried takin’ her ta my favorite restaurant fer our date, but then she got mad ‘cus I evidently forgot she’s allergic ta that salad dressin’ they use, and-“ he trailed off when he saw Shining Armor massaging his temples, trying to stave off an incoming headache.

“-uh, anyways, I reckon she visits the Truck’s stand sometimes ta buy turnips. I ‘spose we’re kinda outta the way an’ all which is why she don’t visit all that often, but she practically buys out all our stock every time she visits! Ah, it’s always great when she comes by!”

Shining Armor noticed Hayseed managed to stop speaking for a few seconds, which was probably some kind of world record. Figuring he’d never get a word in unless-

“Ya seem kinda down, Mr. Armor. Ya all right?”

Horseapples.

“I’m-“ Shining Armor stopped for a moment, in case he was going to be interrupted. “I’m fine. I just don’t really see the big deal about peaceful places like this.”

Hayseed cocked his head in response, leading Shining Armor to worry – yes, actual worry – that he had offended him. “

“Wait, no, it’s not that. It’s- ugh, it’s that I’m the Captain of the Royal Guard, and I- um, I-“

“Beg yer pardon, Mr. Armor?” Hayseed asked.

“I just…have a hard time appreciating places like this!” the unicorn nearly shouted, drawing gazes from nearby bystanders. “Places where everypony’s able to go about their lives uninterrupted, and nothing bad happens to stop them. I lead the army that answers the call if something goes wrong! If nothing bad goes on here, I become useless! I hate not being a use to anypony…”

Hayseed let out a breath he had evidently been holding. “Well, I ain’t the brightest pony out there, but I can tell this is botherin’ ya somethin’ big. Like, way more than just Dodge Junction.” Hayseed answered.

“No. No, it isn’t just Dodge.” Shining Armor didn’t, in the least, expect Hayseed to have been able to tell something like that. He looked towards Hayseed. “You weren’t at Cadance and I’s wedding, were you?”

Hayseed put a hoof to his chin, scrunching his face in thought for a moment.

“Erm…nope! Can’t say I was! Awful sorry I missed it but I don’t think I coulda gotten in without no invitation.”

“Never mind that.” Shining Armor waved a hoof dismissively. “For a while, it was… a disaster, actually. These sinister black bug-like things, called Changelings, took over Canterlot with their queen. Their queen, Chrysalis, she’s a nasty piece of work, and she manipulates emotions. By the time Canterlot knew there was even a problem, I was put under her spell. I-I couldn’t do anything. Instead of being the savior, I had to be saved. I was a failure as a captain and a husband that day.”

Hayseed put a reassuring hoof on Shining Armor’s back. “Well, shucks, Mr. Armor,” he said, his voice entirely sympathetic. “None o’ that sounds like yer fault at all. ‘Course ya got put under that queen’s spell. Ain’t like ya knew there was even a problem!”

“I should’ve been-“

Shining Armor never thought he’d be glad to have Hayseed interrupt him.

“Nah, now don’t be givin’ me that ‘shoulda, coulda’ garbage, Mr. Armor! Maybe ya made a mistake, but ya got a whole lifetime with the princess ta make up fer it. That’s how ya make yerself useful. Ya show ponies that yer always there fer them an’ let them know they’ve always got some big Royal Guard Cap’n they can look up to! I reckon if the princess still wanted ta marry ya after the queen got ya, she’s willin’ ta give ya the chance. She still thinks ya can make up fer it, an’ if there’s one thing my wife ever taught me, it’s this…”

Shining Armor brought an ear closer.

“…the missus is always right. Now I don’t think so myself, but ya know. Mares, right?”

Shining Armor chuckled, but Hayseed howled with laughter.

“Aww, it’s all things ya learn in good time! A good marriage is like a good turnip harvest, Mr. Armor! Ta get the best turnips ya gotta put in the most care an’ dedication. Don’t think ya should be pourin’ water over her, though. I figure she don’t like that.”

This time, they both howled with laughter. For a moment, the stalwart, noble unicorn and the simple, unkempt earth pony were one and the same in their state of mind.

“Well, shoot!” Hayseed said, once he calmed down and glanced around. “I reckon this is where whoever’s in charge o’ here lives, so I best be goin’ now! Take care now, Mr. Armor, an’ if you and the princess wanna come on to Dodge Junction fer yer vacation, there might be a nice lil’ turnip stand here, an’ a discount with yer name on it!”

“Oh, you don’t have to-“ Shining Armor was interrupted by a hoof blocking his mouth.

“I don’t hafta, Mr. Armor!” Hayseed replied, removing his hoof. “but I wanna! I reckon yer all right! Most ponies don’t wanna stop an’ chat with me.”

Shining Armor felt a pang of guilt, realizing he was very close to being another one of them.

“Ya stop by my place in Ponyville whenever ya wanna chat, all right?” With that, Hayseed walked off towards the house’s door across the street, waving behind him. Shining Armor waved back and, contrary to himself from an hour ago, wouldn’t have minded running into him again sometime.

Shining Armor’s Third Rule: Those ponies that look like they violate the second rule can still surprise you.

Shining Armor looked up at the beautiful sunset above him. Dodge Junction was suddenly looking like a much nicer place.