"So, how was the war?" Applebloom asked, double checking the gauges to ensure the wagon was operating at peak efficiency. "Was it excitin'?"
Scootaloo shrugged, stepping one the gas and sending their vehicle rocking down a busy street. "It was ok. The daleks didn't really offer much of a resistance... the capricorns were totally cool though. Not as cool as Rainbow Dash, but still. Princess Coral invited me to visit her Keep."
Sweetie Belle looked up from the ammo she was loading. " I wish we could have helped out. I had to help Rarity count bolts of fabric."
"Nah, it was boring. After the first five minutes nothing real exciting was going on... just dive bombing aliens and staying out of Twilight Sparkle's way." Scootaloo shuddered; Twilight had given her the willies ever since the mare had spent a week asking everypony about her (the police had looked into her but determined Twilight wasn't interested in that, so they had let her off the hook).
"I think we ought ta invite Rollypolly to join us next time. He's a blank flank like us too!" Applebloom exclaimed.
"I thought he was an gooey alien in a mobile attack device," Sweetie Belle said.
"Ok, we'd have to relax our normal criteria but I still think he would be a cool crusader." Scootaloo slowed down the wagon and looked through the periscope. "Alright, we are here! Man the cannon!"
"CUITE MARK FREEDOM FIGHTERS!" The fillies called out as they fired.
~MC~MC~MC~
"What in the world is this?" Blueblood said, walking over to the miniature tank that had rolled into his throne room. "Is this a-"
BOOM!
The prince blinked, his entire body covered in soot save for the whites of his eyes. The wagon/tank's little turret was still smoking from the payload it had fired at him.
"... guards, the baby tank tried to assassinate me!"
"CUTIE MARK FREEDOM FIGHTERS!" three little voices within the tank declared before hitting reverse, sending the tank careening back through the great archway.
The God Squad
Episode 19: Shining Armor 2: Electric Boogaloo
"You take one down and pass it around... 57 severed pony heads on the wall!" Tydal knocked back a bottle of hard cider. He tossed the empty into the fire, watching the flames fly up. "56 severed pony heads on the wall, 56 severed pony heads-"
"Is everything about death when it comes to you and your twisted mind?" Shining complained.
"Not always. Sometimes it is about skeeball."
"Skeeball?" Cadence asked, stroking the log she had been using as her Shining Armor Stand In (let's pray the CMCs never decide to go for THAT cutie mark!).
Celestia gave her niece a pity-filled look. "Tydal is right... truly skeeball is the game of gods. Your life has not been rich and fulfilling if you've never played."
"It's better when you use severed heads as the balls," Luna said. The others (save for a humming Tydal) just looked at her. "Not that I ever tried that, because it would be silly!" She began to laugh. "Yeah... it's not like, when I was Nightmare Moon, I ripped the heads off a cricket team and used them to play the most bloody round of skeeball ever! Nope, never ever!"
Cadence pursed her lips before turning to her husband. "So, how did you end up meeting my aunts and Uncle Tydal?"
Shining shrugged. "Well..."
~Several Years Ago...~
"Captain Boot Camp I must say that your stallions are well disciplined." Celestia walked down the line of guards, each one fresh from their training and ready to prove themselves to the solar princess. They were bright, eager boys and if Celestia were a naughty mare she would have brought each and every strapping male back to her room for a bit of 'friendly fire' (wink wink, nudge nudge, click click, insert wolf howl, hubba hubba). "Yes, I must say they are all ready to serve. I do have one question... are they wearing eyeliner?"
"Right indeedie!" Boot Camp lisped. He puckered his lips (to ensure his lipstick was even) several times before continuing. "You must always be ready for anything, including looking FABULOUS!" He turned towards on the guards. "Logic Point, why is your armor so important?"
"Because it brings out the green in my eyes, sir!" the private shouted.
"Good boy!" Boot Camp said, giving the private's flank a smack with his tail, giggling as he did so. "You are going to get some extra flan with your grilled onions tonight."
"I love how you go against the stereotype everypony was expecting during this flashback, sir!" Wall Breaker the 4th said.
Celestia's brow furrowed before she brushed off the strange comment. "Very well then. I must be off and-"
"INCOMING!" one of the privates shouted, shoving Celestia out of the way just as a dangerous projectile (aka some bird doo doo) fell from the sky, nearly landing on Celestia's head.
The Princess stared at the stallion who lay flat on his belly, a drop of the white goop dripping down his horn. Celestia's magic flared and she wiped the offending mess away before making a mental note to have Philomena go remind the birds just whose flank the sun rose and set upon (hint: the alicorn who raised the blasted thing).
"Are you quite alright?" Celestia asked.
"Of course, Princess." The stallion rose and gave her a smart salute. "Private Shining Armor."
"Yes, Private Armor... I'll be watching your progress with great interest."
~MC~MC~MC~
Celestia shook her head. "Shining, while that is a wonderful story it is not the first time we met."
"It isn't?" Luna asked, intrigued.
Shining began to blush. "Princess, please..."
~Several Years and 6 Months Earlier...~
"I can't believe you are trusting her with my Twiley!" Shining Armor complained, glaring daggers at Celestia. The princess gave him a sheepish smile even as Twilight bounced around her hooves, giggling with glee. Today was the filly's first day at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and the first day she would be spending at the castle.
Shining Armor was... less than thrilled.
"You can't trust Princess Molestia!"
"Shiney, please behave," Velvet said softly. "The Princess has every right to take Twilight away and keep her at her castle where she lives all by herself with no stallion and where no pony can hear any screams. There isn't anything creepy about a grown mare taking a random filly from her family-"
"Or having said filly sleep in her bed..." Celestia said.
"Or that! Now then, say you are sorry."
Shining rolled his eyes and stomped off.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Molestia?" Tydal asked.
"Princess of the Mole Creatures under the Appleloosian Mountains. She was well known for liking to spoon with young fillies and colts or whatever you call young moles. She was caught by Predator Catcher."
Luna frowned, using her magic to stir up the fire. "Why did her name sound like yours?"
"Do you really want to begin picking at that thread?" Celestia asked, annoyed. "Besides, as I remember, your first meeting with Shining Armor didn't go all that smoothly..."
~2 Year Earlier...~
"And this is Canterlot Castle!" Celestia said happily to her little sister. She was positively beaming with joy as she trotted towards her home, thrilled beyond measure that her baby sister was back with her. No more Nightmare Moon, no more loneliness, no more booze to numb said loneliness, no more going to The Gilded Banana for 2 for 1 night, and no more lying to Twilight about her... no, Celestia would still lie to Twilight; lying to that filly was just too much fun!
"Sister, we tell thee I am able to canter under my own power. We do not need to ride your back."
"You seriously talked like that?" Celestia tried hard not to laugh at the outdated way her sister spoke.
"Of course! Tis the proper way to speak!"
"I never taught you to talk like that... that is stupid unicorn elitism right there. Which is really stupid because every pony knows that earth ponies are the ones that should be royalty and the leaders of Equestria but they are so smart they know that being powerful sucks and so they stay on their farms." Celestia continued on with her original point. "But I want to carry you, my dear little sister! It has been ages since you were small enough for me to do so.." Celestia entered the castle's main courtyard, letting out a sigh of pure bliss. "Truly this is a blessed day."
"Princess Celestia, you have returned." Captain Shining Armor, freshly promoted after his valor in the Battle of the Sponge (where he was the first to find Celestia's favorite bath sponge before bath time... yeah, the royal guard is like the National Guard of Equestria), approached the alicorn and bowed to her. "We have readied-"
Shining was knocked off his feet by a pouncing Luna, who began to sniff his mane. "Mmmm... dear sister, how wonderful! Thou has remembered what kind of sex slave we enjoy!" Luna began to nibble on Shining Armor's throat. "We expect thou to be hung like a manticore..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Cadence raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Is there any member of my family you haven't slept with?"
"I didn't sleep with Luna!" Shining complained. "She came on to me and I resisted! And I have never been with Celestia or any pony other than you."
Tydal snorted. "Right... any PONY..."
~9 weeks earlier...~
Shining groaned. It felt like his head had been strapped in vice and was being squeezed while a drill was pressed against his left eye (otherwise known as a minotaur shuffle). The light from the nearby window was casting a glare so harsh he thought for a moment that the sun was hanging right above his forehead (and considering who his aunt-in-law was, he wouldn't be surprised if she did such a thing).
"Ugh... I feel terrible," the captain whimpered.
"You should after what I did to ya, you saucy mink." Shining rolled over and let out a girlish scream. "Wow, no need to yell that loud!"
"Lord Tydal!" Shining cried out, scrambling away from the capricorn that was lounging in bed beside the captain of the guard. "What are you doing here?"
"I sleep here... though, what we did last night can't be called sleeping." The capricorn rose and gave Shining a once over. "You know, normally my wife would be mad that I slept with another doe but you were such a yummy looking one-"
"I'm not a mare!" Shining cried out, clutching the sheet to his chest. When Tydal raised an eyebrow Shining quickly dropped the sheet and dropped his voice a few octaves. "I mean... I am no mare!"
"Right, you were a filly and I made you a mare." Tydal's tail flicked out and Shining let out a yelp, just avoiding the razor sharp edge. "Now, I'm going to take a nice long swim in the royal pool. I'm sure one of the butlers can drive you home." The sea god paused at the door. "Oh, hi Cadence."
"Hi Uncle Tydal!" Cadence said with a grin, skipping into the room. She stopped mid bounce, sniffing the air. "Shining, why does it smell like sex and shame in here?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"That... did... not... happen," Shining ground out, his jaw clenched so hard it was a wonder his teeth weren't reduced to a fine powder (of course, considering his life, he was lucky his teeth existed at all).
"I think I remember my own life, Shining," Tydal said with a snort.
"We didn't have sex!" Shining shouted.
"Well, that was disturbing on many levels," Luna said. She looked up at the dark sky, a smile suddenly blossoming on her lips. "But this truly has been fun."
"That it has!" Celestia declared. "Good food, good fun, good stories." She grabbed another bottle. "Good booze..."
Cadence nodded, snuggling up to her husband. "Spending time with family."
"Setting aside old grudges, if only for a day," Tydal said, using his magic to pass Shining a bottle of cider. The stallion blinked in surprise before taking the bottle and raising it up, clinking it with the one Tydal had grabbed for himself. The capricorn smiled, tipping the drink in a quick salute.
"Remembering the past and looking forward to the future," Shining said, wrapping a foreleg around Cadence.
"I propose a decree!" Celestia said, snagging several more bottles of cider and passing them to her sister and niece before lifting her up. "Luna, when would be a good day to create a new holiday?”
Luna, due to the phases of the moon, had always been better at dates then her sister. "Well... what about a month after Nightmare Night? That has always been dead space on the calendar.”
"That sounds wonderful! Then I decree that every year, one month after Nightmare Night, families in Equestria will gather together and share food, fun and stories. It will be a time to remember what has come before and the joy of the bonds of friendship they now have. And we shall calll it-"
"Tydalmas," the capricorn proclaimed.
Luna rolled her eyes in good humor. "How about Story Night?"
"Needs something with a bit more flair... how about Tale Teller's Night?" Shining suggested.
Cadence kissed him on the cheek. "I like it."
"I do too." Celestia lifted her cider and the others did the same. "Happy Tale Teller's Night!"
"Happy Tale Teller's Night!"
The strange family took a long drain from their bottles.
Luna, finishing her bottle, tossed it into the fire. "I have the sudden urge to go shopping for discount tvs."
“What the hell is a TV?” Tydal asked.
“I… don’t know…”