Chapter 4: The Killer Rabbit
“Man, I love my life,” I whistled, grinning merrily as the pouch of money I carried jingled. The door to the tavern slammed open as I strutted through, blood pebbling off the tip of my blade and leaving a thick crimson trail along the tiled floor. Nia stood in the corner, sipping at a mug full of a pleasant-smelling gold liquid. She jumped up as she saw me.
“Hey,” I grunted.
“How did it go?” asked Nia, staring at the blood on my sword warily.
“Great, other than the burn,” I muttered, indicating my bloody shoulder. “Silverwing ain’t exactly gentle when it comes to being turned in.” I sat down and grabbed my own mug of ale, courtesy of the bartender. I had to hand it to the guy, he could clean up fast. No evidence of the fight remained.
“Yer quite the bounty hunter, kid,” the barman said. “Name’s Tipsy Hoof, by the way.”
I took a long swig of ale. The taste wasn’t as bad as I expected. Quite mild, actually. The few sips of alcohol I’ve ever had actually pushed the feeling of drunkenness onto me, but I barely felt anything from the drink.
“Wow, that’s good.” Nia nodded beside me. “Mild flavor, hint of froth, pleasant aftertaste. You, my long-faced friend, are a good man.”
Tipsy snorted with approval. “Well, as thanks fer getting rid of those ruffians, ya get free drinks for life. I ain’t seen nobody in my life that handled those bastards that easy.” The rest of the people in the tavern cheered and rushed to the bar. I chuckled, grabbed another mug, and stood. Nia and I stayed on for a couple more hours, only getting up when I actually felt a little tipsy and the sun was high in the sky.
“Nia, let’s get going. I have a feeling we won’t be able to stay in this town for long.”
“What did you do?” Nia asked with a mixture of exasperation and confusion.
“I’m not going to say, for fear that you might tear my face off,” I deadpanned. Her mouth twitched and she rolled her eyes, but followed me out of the tavern nevertheless. I spread my wings and spasmed into the air, ignoring the burning sensation in my shoulder.
The carriage containing Shining Armor and Cadence rolled out of the forest, right next to an inconspicuous town. Armor signaled for the chariot to stop. The royal guard was certainly on edge, and wanted nothing more than to return to the Crystal Empire, but they reluctantly slowed to a halt. Armor stepped out into the sunshine, wincing slightly at the light. Cadence soon followed, her wing wrapped in a splint. Armor led her to a tavern.
“Shining, you do realize we’re trying to find whatever blew up the forest, not a hangover?” said Cadence in a monotone.
“Taverns are some of the best places to get free information,” Shining retorted. “There’s enough drink in there to get a pony plastered into killing somepony.”
Cadence shivered at the thought. Being the high-class person she was, she hated the idea of killing and death. She had never even attended a funeral. Knowing that there were ready and willing assassins nearby made her jumpy.
Armor shrugged the tavern door open to a very strange sight: the patrons were singing merrily, waving jugs of ale around like no tomorrow. The bartender was calling, “Free drinks for the rest of the day! Come and get ‘em, ladies and gents!”
Armor walked over and sat at the bar. “What’s the special occasion?” he asked suspiciously. The bartender gave him a wicked grin.
“Well, a friend of mine just stopped by, and he pretty much just saved this town,” the barman barked. “Caught Silverwind the griffin, you know. Kicked his and a few other criminals’ asses. Didn’t even get a scratch on him.”
Shining Armor was stunned. He had heard of Silverwind the griffin, just like every member of the Royal Guard. Silverwind was a notorious arsonist, burning the town of Detrot to the ground and killing over a hundred ponies. The fact that this “friend” had captured him and turned him in, alive, was a feat so unbelievable Armor wanted to hire this pony on the spot.
“Where is this pony?” he asked hurriedly. The bartender laughed uproariously.
“He ain’t a pony,” the unicorn said. “At first I thought he was a Diamond Dog, but he was too tall fer that, and I ain’t ever seen a Diamond Dog that could speak more than two syllable words. He was like a mish-mash of stuff. He had a pony’s intelligence, the shape of a Diamond Dog, and I coulda sworn I saw a few feathers in there somewhere. He had this sword, too – I ain’t ever seen anything like it. Absorbed a full on blast from a unicorn, then turned it into fire and shot it back.” Armor immediately became suspicious again.
“Do you think he could have caused that explosion in the forest not too long ago?”
“Now that I think about, he probably did,” the unicorn said thoughtfully. “He was definitely civilized. Could read and everything. When he was attacked, though, he was a beast. Used that sword as good as anyone I’ve met, and chopped off Silverwind’s wings. There’s no doubt in my mind that he had the power to blow a good quarter of the forest away, especially with all that flammable gas in the air.”
“Do you know where he went?” Armor grilled.
“No idea. He might’ve told the local outpost, though. He went there to collect the bounties, stayed here for a couple hours, and just took off with a friend.”
“Thank you, sir.” Shining then got a strange grin. “Royal guards aren’t supposed to drink, but…?”
“Of course, lad!” the barman said happily, slamming a mug of ale down on the counter. “Like I said earlier, free drinks fer everypony today!”
Shining Armor came out of the tavern a few minutes later, a slight red tinge in his face. Cadence narrowed her eyes as she saw his crossed ones.
“You were drinking, weren’t you?” she deadpanned. Shining nodded in embarrassment.
“Well, I know where we need to go. Guards, to the military outpost.” Everyone nodded and set off in search of the town.
The group reached it about ten minutes later. The ponies of the town bowed when they saw Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. Shining narrowed his eyes in agitation.
“I really hate the fact that they bow every time they see us,” he whispered. “I’m getting sick of ponies not just talking to me like a normal creature.”
“You’ll get used to it,” cooed Cadence. They trotted through the town, occasionally greeting a citizen and waving to an old acquaintance. They eventually stopped before a dark blue building with a gold trim at the corners. Shining Armor unlocked the door with his magic and stepped inside.
He nearly passed out from what he saw.
Blood was spattered everywhere –along walls, pooling on the floor, congealed stalactites drooping from the ceiling. In the center of the crimson room was a pile of red unicorns alongside a myriad of unconscious creatures. Shining Armor knew that there were no red ponies in this branch of the army and gagged at the realization. A gasping, curled up unicorn was rocking in the corner of the room. Armor treaded across the puddles of blood carefully before approaching the stallion.
“Soldier, are you alright?” he asked soothingly. The guard looked up and began quivering violently.
“Captain Armor, I’m sorry you had to see me at such a bad time,” he choked out. Armor chuckled, momentarily losing track of the task at hand.
“It’s alright, soldier. You mind telling me what happened?”
The unicorn shuddered for a moment, then steeled himself and began to talk. “Well, it was a normal day. One or two passing griffins brought us a bounty, and we paid it. But then the strangest creature I’ve ever seen walked through. I could only see part of its face, but it was smooth and pale; not exactly a Diamond Dog, but not exactly a pony either. It was massive. Standing on its hind legs, it must have been six hooves high. It came in with a bunch of criminals,” the guard indicated the pile of assorted creatures, “and asked for the bounty rewards. We refused; of course, we didn’t know what creature it was, and it was clearly dangerous to take out Silverwind. We couldn’t just have it running around. It never got angry –just kept a happy, cheerful tone while it drew its sword. I think it was made of pyrohydra tooth. It just effortlessly killed them all, one by one. A single wave of its blade took out three of our finest guards.”
Shining Armor was fuming now. How dare this creature kill anypony, no matter what it was? The guard noticed his expression and shakily held up a hoof.
“In all fairness, sir, the attack wasn’t completely unjustified. I assume it was dead broke, and we not only denied it 4300 bits, but mocked it about its appearance as well. I assume it was from a very violent place, and our taunts just set it off. I wonder what it’s doing right now…”
{Meanwhile}
“Who?”
“What country are you from?”
“Who?”
“’Who’ ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in Who?”
“Who?”
You, motherfucker. Do you speak English or not?”
“Who?”
“Say ‘who’ one more time. I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say ‘who’ one more goddamn time!”
“Cooper, shut up!” Nia shouted. “And stop interrogating the damn owl!”
{Back to the task at hand}
“Regardless of taunts, it still killed a congingent of guards,” Armor stated matter-of-factly. “It looks like we’ll just have to cut this visit short. I need to find it.” He was caught off guard as the guard chuckled.
“You’ll never do that unless it wants you to. It has wings, and unless you have the Wonderbolts with you, it’ll leave you in the dust. You’re better off just looking out for reports of strange creatures on the way back to the capitol, sir.”
A small grin twisted Armor’s face. He was remembering a certain spell that Twilight had shown him on his last visit; one that would certainly allow him to keep up with the odd creature. He focused, feeling the magic torrent through his system. He shoved it into his shoulders, and with a burst of agony, it flowed out, coalescing into a flare of white dragonfly wings. He tested them, buzzing about the room experimentally. The guard looked on, surprised.
“Very impressive, sir. But if you don’t get going now you’ll miss him.” Armor’s eyes refocused, and he sped out the door like a pony possessed. Cadence was waiting for him, an odd expression on her face. He noticed that somepony had healed her wing; it was no longer splinted, and seemed to have regained its previous coloring. Armor flexed his own membrane wings and buzzed into the air.
“Come on, Cadence,” he said quickly. “We’ve got a criminal to catch.”
I trod along the only beaten path for miles. I had “borrowed” a map of the continent from the guard station, carefully wiping the blood off before showing it to Nia.
“Alright, let’s see here. We’re on the edge of the Black Marshes. I don’t think they should call it Black Marshes anymore, but that’s just my opinion.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if they did change it,” retorted Nia. “You blew away a good chunk of it with that stunt.”
“Anyway,” I grumbled, “We’re passing into the territory of… Equestria about now. Must be the native land of those horses. To our left is the Great Southern Rainforest, and to our right are the Ring Sea Islands. Apparently, they have zebras over there. So, I guess we work our way around Equestria, up and through the Dominion and Gem Fido, back down to the Volcanic Badlands, and back here for a nice good ale.” Nia was looking at me, impressed.
“You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?” she said. I chuckled.
“Heck no. I’m just pretty good with strategy. You’ll need to keep an eye on me in Equestria, however.”
“Why?”
“Because one day I might just develop a taste for horse.” I grinned maliciously at the map and licked my lips. Nia just slapped me.
“Let’s get a move on, idiot.” She bounded off, me following close behind with blood trailing down my cheek. We wove through the thinning treeline, just before bursting into the clear and open countryside. I gasped at the clear air, drawing in several clear breaths. The air tasted much cleaner than the marshy wind, and it was like honey in my throat. I ran forward again…
And immediately found my face against the ground.
I groaned and looked up. Nia was a good twenty feet away, laughing her finely sculpted ass off. I turned to find just what in the hell was stupid enough to get in Road Runner’s way.
“Tiny rabbit thing, you are about to die painfully,” I growled. The bunny coughed.
“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” he said in a disconcertingly deep voice. I stared. He stared back. I kept staring. He punched me in the face.
“Alright, who are you and why are you trying to kill me?” I asked. He frowned.
“The name’s Angel. As for the killing part, you’re wrong. I’m just pissed off.
“Are you a vampire?” I blurted. He shook his head. “Alright. That means Buffy can’t kill me for doing this.” I then proceeded to burst out laughing. I choked for air on the ground while the rabbit became increasingly agitated.
“Angel the bunny?” I tried, once my chuckles had subsided.
“Yeah. What’s it to you?”
“Nothing. I just never expected a guy to be so… feminine.”
“Call me girly again, and I’ll slap you so hard the last thing you’ll see is a pool of your own blood,” he snarled.
“You’re pretty cocky for a white guy who barely reaches my shins. By the way, what’s a rabbit doing with the ability to speak?” I asked.
“Are you kidding? I’ve always been able to talk,” the Angel said proudly. “No one ever notices, though. Those damn ponies can’t really comprehend a talking rabbit, so I guess they just interpret me as a squeaky rodent.”
“Wow, that must be rough,” Nia said sympathetically, coming out of her laughing stupor. “Having people completely disregard you, wherever you are.”
“Eh, I just ran away after a while,” Angel said. He waved a hoof towards the forest. “I’ve been living in there for a good two weeks now. It’s a pity, though. My old owner must be having an aneurism.”
“What? She has mental problems?”
“No, just slightly traumatized. Never could take a joke, that one.”
You know, I never guessed that within three days of coming here, I’d blow up a forest, slaughter a contingent of guards, and meet a talking bunny. Wait a minute.
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Load complete. Execute program: Get a new traveling companion.
“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know your way around Equestria, would you?” I asked. He cocked his head and thought for a moment.
“I can show you all of the major towns around here, that’s for sure. We might as well just stop by my old home in Ponyville on the way. My old owner is probably having a fit, and I’m sick of her always keeping me in that stupid house.”
“Alrighty then. It’s time we ride off to the west!” I shouted. Nia sniggered and took off. Angel hopped onto my head as I dived into a nearby valley and snapped out my wings.
Ah, it’s good to be an alien.