//------------------------------// // The Royal Guard Ultimatum // Story: Dr Sheldon Cooper goes to Equestria // by Lancelot //------------------------------// The current scene at the Library could have easily resembled something out of an epic war movie. Everyone in the room practically dived off their seats and rushed to Twilight's aid. Everyone, apart from Sheldon, of course. "It's not lookin' good, Ah don't think she's breathin'!" shouted Applejack, whilst pushing down Twilight's chest in rapid succession. "Well? Don't just sit there! You said you were a doctor, so get your flank over here and help us!" snapped Rainbow Dash, who was kneeling down next to the unicorn. Sheldon clenched his eyes shut, and exhaled deeply. He was never going to finish this chapter without someone interrupting him. Not that he was that exasperated. 'The Changeling' by Danny Mane Jr, had originally peaked his interest, but unfortunately wasn't related to the Star Trek episode it shared its title with. The storyline about the insect-horses was insufferable and the characters were bland, and obnoxious. "Hey, egg-head! I'm talking to you! Twilight needs help!" barked Rainbow Dash. "Okay, If I may interject?"affirmed Sheldon, as he put down his book to address the pony. "I'm a theoretical physicist, I'm a man of science. Do you honestly think the intellectually gifted men and women researching the String Theory are the same people that put band-aids on your boo boo?" "I don't care that you're a theoretical physicist, and I don't care about 'String Theory'!" she shouted. "Twilight's injured, after saving your flank, I might add. So for once since we've actually found you: SHUT UP AND MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL!" Sheldon's eyes widened and a lump had formed in his throat. He was indeed taken aback by the horse's rage, but he quickly regained his composure. If the animal wanted a war, it would get one. And as everyone knows, Sheldon is an acronym for: Strategic - Homo sapien (with) - Extraordinary - Leadership (who is) - Dangerously - Outstanding (and also, surprisingly) - Nutritious. "Are you always this fatuous, or are you feeling particularly unintelligent today?" accused Sheldon. "You claim I'm not 'useful', when in reality I'm this close to solving Space Time Geometry and Higher Spin Gravity. What amazing scientific achievements have you achieved lately? Oh what's that? None. Because you're a chubby, diminutive equine, with no true knowledge of universe." Rainbow Dash departed from Twilight's unconscious form, and stood up to lock eyes with her verbal assailant. "Woah, hold up. Did you just call me fat?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?" "N-no... I'm not fat, y-you're just trying to offend me. You're a bookworm, so shut up!" retorted an uncertain Rainbow Dash. Her raspy voice encompassed much more emotion than before. "Yes, well, I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original trajectory and adheres to you." "Ooh, ouch," snorted Rainbow Dash, sarcastically. "There's plenty more where that came from," smirked Sheldon. "I will verbally destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears." Rainbow Dash held her hoof towards her mouth and feigned a yawn. "Yeah... I didn't understand half of what you just said." "I anticipated as much," admitted Sheldon. "Allow me to alter my contemporary dialect, to better get my point across." Sheldon licked his lips and prepared his vocal chords. "Bitch, me and my 'homies' -that is to say; black companions, are going to 'pop a cap' in the rear entrance of your digestive tract." Rainbow's face was scrunched up in disgust as she stared at Sheldon. "Eww, you want to do what to my rear!?" "Yes, that's right. Maybe next time, you'll think twice about engaging the renowned Dr Sheldon Cooper in a battle of wits" he quipped. "PLEASE STOP ARGUING!" The startled pony and physicist, spun around in panic to determine the source of the horrifying voice. Their gaze landed on a trembling, yellow pegasus, sobbing in the corner. A wave of guilt overcame Rainbow Dash, and she rushed over to wrap her friend in a tight hug. "Sorry, Flutters; I didn't mean to upset you," she lulled, gently. Sheldon on other hand, sat down in his chair and resumed his reading. How that yellow, miniature equine possessed such an earsplitting voice, he'll never know. Applejack let out a loud obnoxious cough to draw everyone's attention. "While you and mister physicist was busy goin' at each others throats, Rarity cast a spell on Twilight here." Rarity gave a weak smile. Her face was etched with creases, and heavy bags hung hopelessly, under her sparkling blue eyes. Her appearance clearly expressed how tired she was, no words were needed. She would almost exclusively use her magic for levitation and occasionally, to find hidden gems buried underground. The current situation however required a transfer spell, and with no other alternative, she'd had to cast it herself, draining all her magical energy and transferring it to the exhausted unicorn that was lying on the floor. Twilight's frail form twitched for a few seconds, before she slowly opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry, but she could vaguely make out wooden archways of the Library's ceiling. That's a good sign. At least I'm somewhere safe She could hear somepony calling her name, but it seemed distant, and fuzzy. Once her daze had subsided, she mustered her remaining energy and forced herself upright. She was delighted to see her friends, gazing back at her with a smile. She was also relieved to see Sheldon had arrived at the Library, safe and unscathed. "Twilight!" Spike beamed, as he ran up to his best friend and wrapped her in a warm embrace. Twilight returned the gesture and nuzzled him affectionately. "Twilight... stop it, not in front of everypony!" objected an embarrassed Spike, as he pushed his small frame out of her hooves. Twilight rolled her eyes and giggled. She then turned to her friends, and expressed her gratitude. "Thank you so much girls! I just don't know what happened; I guess I overworked myself a little," she chuckled. "Don't be thankin' us Twi, it was Rarity here, that did all the work," admitted Applejack. Twilight glanced at Rarity, her fatigued form more noticeable than ever. For lack of a better term; she looked terrible --not that Twilight would ever dream of telling her that--, but she clearly needed aid. "Rarity you don't look so good, you should really get some rest," declared Twilight. Rarity's legs wobbled and she swayed from side to side, as she stood. "Oh darling, don't worry about me. I'll be fine dear, honestly." she assured. "I should probably get back and feed poor Opal, anyway." Rarity's elegant stride towards the door was interrupted, as her legs gave way and stumbled. Her assurance that she was okay, seemed less convincing by the minute. "Rarity, I'm not letting you leave here by yourself, take Spike with you," proposed Twilight. "Spike, you'll help Rarity get back to the Boutique safely, won't you?" asked the unicorn, certain she knew the answer. "You bet I will!" beamed Spike, enthusiastically. He ran to her side, grinning as he escorted his love through the Library door, impersonating a royal guard as he did. Drool was beginning to form in the corner of Rarity's mouth; she was simply too drowsy to say goodbye so she merely waved at her friends through the window before disappearing into the distance. With the library now silent, Sheldon took this opportunity to step forward and address Twilight. "It's come to my attention that you're feeling distressed, so it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. However, I'm a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a hot beverage." Twilight remained silent. "How should we proceed?" asked Sheldon. Twilight eyed her friends, but they were just as confused as her. "Um... I'm fine... but thank you for the offer!" she smiled. "The hot beverage isn't optional," Sheldon added. Twilight was beginning to feel uncomfortable. The last thing she wanted was to offend the creature, but it seemed she had to make extra effort to be polite. "Again, thank you very much! But honestly, I'm fine. I do appreciate it and everything; but I'm feeling much better now." "Well then, that's great news!" exclaimed Sheldon. "Now I trust you are capable of fetching me my beverage." Twilight groaned as she waddled off to the kitchen. Spike had only been gone for less than a minute and it already felt like years. * * * The next few hours in the library were uneventful. Fluttershy had left for her cottage, and Pinkie Pie went to babysit for the Cakes' again. Rainbow Dash had abruptly departed, claiming she had to 'go work-out', even though it was the late evening. Twilight took a sip from her mug of tea, and sighed. Today had been a long day, and she couldn't wait to jump into bed and catch up on some goodnight's sleep. She had just finished her letter to Princess Celestia informing her of recent events, which Spike hastily sent off, allowing her some time to let her mane down and relax. As the day drew to a close, the last beams of foggy sunlight disappeared and a cold breeze seeped through the Library. The building's old wooden frame creaked against the harsh wind, hammering from outside. Dark, gloomy clouds roared in the murky night, showering Equestria with a barrage of rainfall, while the moon's surreal glow, illuminated Ponyville's empty streets and alleyways. Spike had already retired to his bed, leaving Twilight and Sheldon by themselves. He could hear the pair conversing, across the room. It sounded like an argument, but he was too tired to intervene. "You keep saying that, but you haven't pointed out one reason why you can't use it!" accused Twilight. She had offered Sheldon her own bed to sleep in for the night, but her offer was only met with complaints. "You can't possibly suggest this a viable vessel, efficient and effective in guiding me to a state of Somnolence." "But, what's wrong with it? I've slept on it for months, it's perfectly fine!" protested Twilight. "Given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , 'The Tall Man From Cornwall'." Twilight tilted her head sideways and raised an eye, suggesting she wasn't familiar with the book. "Urgh, unbelievable," snarled Sheldon. He hopped onto Twilight's bed then shifted his body to face the unicorn. "There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head," he quoted, gesturing towards his head which hung over the edge of the pillow. "Oh of course! How silly of me, I'm so sorry!" Twilight blushed. "I'll fix this now, hang on." Twilight clenched her eyes shut, in concentration. Her face appeared strained and she gritted her teeth. Her horn became engulfed in purple light, as did the bed. Sheldon could feel the mattress begin to vibrate, as the purple aura grew even brighter, pulling on the sides, and drastically increasing the length and width of the bed. "Dear lord..." bemused the physicist, under his breath. Sheldon had never witnessed such a scientific impossibility before in his life. He knew this hardly mirrored actual reality but the magic did look believably vivid. Twilight used her magic to levitate a blanket towards Sheldon, which she wrapped around him tenderly. Sheldon gladly welcomed the warmth, and pulled it tighter, encasing himself like a cocoon. "Thank you, purple horse," he remarked. "Please, call me Twilight," she smiled. "And don't thank me. It was my pleasure Mr theoretical physicist." "Call me Sheldon," he remarked, with a yawn. His senses already succumbing to the realm of slumber. "Sheldon? That's a nice name..." added Twilight, softly. "It's a better name than Twilight," scoffed Sheldon. Twilight giggled a bit louder than she intended to. This one will certainly give Rainbow Dash some stiff competition in the 'boasting department' After double checking to make sure the creature had everything he needed, the unicorn began to make her way out the room, before a voice stopped her. "Twilight?" The unicorn spun around and returned to the side of the bed. "Yes, Sheldon?" she replied. "Will you sing me 'Soft Kitty'?" "Soft Kitty?" questioned Twilight. "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean." "It's a song my mother sang to me when I was sick," admitted Sheldon. "You're sick?" gasped Twilight, as she levitated a notebook and quill over to her hooves. "Tell me, what are the symptoms? I might be able to help, I know a lot of healing magic." "I'm homesick..." admitted Sheldon. "Oh, I see..." Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry, this must be very hard for you, being away from home and all that. I felt the exact same way after Princess Celestia made me move to Ponyville. She sent me here to study friendship, which at the time, sounded pretty absurd to me, but once I'd experienced i-" "You're right; friendship is ludicrous and completely irrational. I'm glad someone finally agrees with me." Twilight frowned, but she decided to drop the subject. It was getting late and the last thing she needed was another argument with Sheldon. " Anyway, I'm sure once I explain your situation to Princess Celestia she will definitely help you, but until then there isn't much else I can do for you, I'm sorry." "You could sing 'Soft Kitty' to me," suggested Sheldon. "Come on Sheldon, you know I don't know 'Soft Kitty'... and I'm not much of a singer either," explained Twilight. "I'll teach you," proposed Sheldon. * * * "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur." "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr." * * * "How was that, did I do it right?" "Mmhmm," mumbled Sheldon, into his pillow. Twilight sat at the edge of her bed, smiling at Sheldon. There was something captivating about watching him lie there. Maybe it's because he's a different species, unlike anything she'd ever seen before. Or maybe it was something else... The room fell into a tranquil silence. The only sound that could be heard was a light cool breeze blowing along the edge of the window. Brown, autumn leaves danced across the sky, the fierce wind propelling them towards the heavens with no real direction or purpose. Small stars glistened beautifully in the distance, teasing all who dwell below with a glimpse of the galaxy. The blissful stillness was abruptly interrupted by Sheldon. "Okay, I'm sleepy now. Get out." Twilight snapped back to reality. "Oh, of course, sorry," she replied sheepishly. "Goodnight Sheldon." * * * A thunderous barrage of deafening knocks emitted from the library's front door. Either Equestria was under attack, or somepony really wanted to borrow a book, badly. "Urgh," groaned an exasperated unicorn. She craned her stiff neck upwards and looked at her alarm clock. Her eyes were tired and her vision, distorted but she could make out the digits. "Six AM? Who the hay knocks somepony's door at six in the morning!?" Unfortunately for her, the aforementioned question was answered a moment later. "Celestia's Royal Guard! If you do not open this door, we will have no choice but to break it down and force our way in ourselves!" "Oh no..." gulped an anxious Twilight. She looked like a mess. Her mane was unkempt, strands stuck out at every angle. Gigantic colossal bags hung under her eyes, and she needed to take a shower. With Sheldon claiming her bed last night, she decided to sleep on the floor, in the library's main chamber. It wasn't a pleasant experience, she was either too hot, lying next to the fireplace, or too cold, having shifted too far away. When she did finally get some sleep, it was rudely interrupted by this. Twilight sluggishly threw her blanket aside and stumbled around, looking for a hairbrush. She had to at least make herself look presentable. "We know you're in there! Open the door, or we will force our way through!" Twilight was so concerned about combing her mane, she hadn't noticed Sheldon standing in the kitchen, sipping tea from one of her mugs. "Are you gonna get that?" he queried. Twilight squinted her eyes at the physicist. "How long have you been awake?" "About an hour," admitted Sheldon. "My bowels tend to move at around five AM." Twilight's cheeks flushed a rosy red when she realized he must have saw her spread out uncomfortably on the floor, on his way to the kitchen. "Do you have any cereal?" inquired Sheldon. Before she could answer, the library door was flung off it's hinges with a massive *BANG*. Twilight flinched in fear, and an audible scream could be heard upstairs, from Spike. Sheldon remained motion-less and merely glanced as two Royal Guards came rushing into the tree house. "Dr Sheldon Cooper?" asked a white, unicorn guard adorned in a shiny gold chest-plate. His piercing gaze locked directly onto Sheldon. "Who's asking?" taunted Sheldon. "Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. They've personally requested you're presence at Canterlot Castle. There's a chariot waiting for you outside, ready to take off immediately," explained the guard. "You want me to leave? I can't leave, I haven't had my daily fibre requirements," protested Sheldon. An incredibly bewildered Twilight spoke up. "Wait, hold up. How did you know his name? Did the Princesses know about this all along?" The other black, muscular guard stepped forwards and eyed Twilight. "You are... Twilight Sparkle, correct?" "Yes?" Twilight answered, hesitantly. "Good. The Princess has also requested that you and your friends be present." "Oh... I uh- okay. I guess I can't turn down the Princess. I'll go gather them all and we'll meet you outside," she declared. "As you wish, Miss Sparkle," affirmed the guard, as he stepped aside to let the purple unicorn pass through the entrance. "Dr Sheldon Cooper, shouldn't you be getting ready? We will be leaving shortly," pointed out, the other guard. Sheldon frowned. "Excuse me? At what point did I give any indication whatsoever that I would accompany you and your 'Princess' to 'Canterlot Castle'? "With all due respect Dr Sheldon Cooper, you don't have a choice her-" "It's your word against mine, I'll see you in court!" interrupted Sheldon, as he ran upstairs. The guards exchanged glances and sighed. It was going to be a long day...