Ponyville Paintball

by Wisher

Dark Side of the Muffin

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For the first time in a long, long while, Luna wished she could be sent back to the moon.

She was fed up. She had no time for this. Luna felt that, as the princess of the night, she was quite above this infantile game Tia had forced her to play. Not that she didn't like games, not at all; but they had to be quaint in style and just amusing enough for her royal tastes. Paintball was barbaric and not at all quaint, and was most unworthy of her.

The sky took a bluish tinge with the steady fall of night, as Celestia lowered the sun and made way for Luna’s moon. The princess wished for nothing more than to be safe and cozy under the plush covers of her bed with a nice old book to read, surrounded by the soft flicker of the candlelight. Instead, she was in a darkening forest, with no shelter but the poor cover of leaves above her as the wind picked up and sent sharp chills up her spine. Not to mention that she was surrounded by the natural hidden dangers of the Everfree, and an army of lurking ponies ready to fire recklessly at their princess for the promise of treasure like a band of thieves. She cringed to imagine that she would have to raise the moon in such a crude setting.

And that, all of that, wouldn’t even be all that bad... if only she had not been paired with that foal.

It would only make perfect sense for her, the timeless and graceful alicorn princess that changed the face of the sky, that had been sent beyond the stars and back, to be paired with Pipsqueak the makeshift pirate. Oh yes Tia, that is the most sensible thing to do. Rational to the bone as always.

Her hooves were numb and sore from all the trotting they'd been doing. They'd been traveling through the forest all day -- Luna knew from legend that the forest had the wondrously strange ability to hide its boundaries from those roaming inside until the time to leave was right. Endless trotting through the countless trees had been all she had done as the first day of the game came to a close. Trees, trees, and yet more and more trees. But not a single pony. Not a single challenger or sneaky opponent or any action whatsoever, despite the lingering fear of it, and the resulting heavy tension in the air. Not a soul but the foal that had been bouncing and yapping next to her all day.

"Aha! Reveal yourselves, ye cowardly curs! Have at you!"

"Be quiet, child, or we are sure to be seen!" pleaded Luna. But he seemed not to hear.

In fact, the young colt had not originally come to Canterlot dressed as a pirate as he had been on Nightmare Night. She remembered, as she witnessed with dread that she had been paired up with a mere foal, that he'd been magically given his costume to wear. He'd been positively ecstatic about it, and had been spouting pirate-related nonsense since.

"All ye foolish landblubbers, fear the great captain Pipsqueak, and the terrible witch-goddess of the dark!"

My kingdom for a horse. Just not this one.

Pipsqueak turned to face Luna, to talk to her for the first time today.

"It's getting awfully dark, Princess. Could you raise the moon now to shine a light on our path?"

Luna could very well do this, but she had wished to stall this moment as long as possible. She feared that once the moon was raised the ponies would all find their way to lash out at her. With a mumble she did as she was asked to do and raised the moon high in the sky.

Pip turned back to continue bouncing along the path without bothering to thank Luna.

I wonder if I didn’t like him better when he was scared stiff of me, Luna thought to herself.

All in all, she was not angry because of the foal himself. She had nothing against him, and she recognized him as the first pony to talk to her as something else than a supposed monster. What annoyed her was that, all things considered, he was still an immature foal that Celestia had forced her to team up with. She would have been much better off on her own.

The thought occurred to her many times during the day as to why she didn't simply shoot him. She figured it was because he was just a foal and, whereas she secretly wished he would just be shot out of the game so he could handle her own business like a serious adult, it was because she didn't have the heart to shoot the poor foal in the back herself and break his innocent daydreaming of a fun pirate-themed game of hide-and-seek.

Because after all, the stakes were much higher than that. Even a pony a regal as she was couldn't help but to wonder what the prize might be. She knew that even though she didn't particularly play paintball all that well, she could always try to rely on her important image to deter ponies from shooting her.

But she knew that this image would take a serious beating if it was seen that she couldn't even shoot a small foal who couldn't care less about the game. She would have to find a way to be rid of him.

Why on earth have I been made to suffer this burden, of all ponies... brooded Luna. Celestia said that our partnerships could be instructive... Is there anything I can actually learn from this young one?

"Your ship is now mine, fair lass! I shall plunder it for your booty!"

... Not a chance.

Luna watched over the path that they were treading. She had managed to position the moon so that it shone mainly on the road they were on. She was nervous, and she wanted to be able to see ponies from a certain distance ahead. But all she could see was Pip bouncing and rambling on, to her regal annoyance.

Suddenly, something glinting in the moonlight caught her eye.

She stopped trotting, and looked wide-eyed at the spot that had caught her attention. It couldn't be mistaken for simply a glinting leaf. Up in a tree a little ways ahead, Luna thought she could make out the shape of a pony. But it stayed covered in darkness, not moving an inch, and Luna wondered if her eyes weren't deceiving her. They both stayed perfectly still in the night.

"Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle o' rum!"

The figure turned its head silently towards the road. Luna saw in horror that it was looking at Pip. The unsuspecting foal was drawing attention to himself with his singing! In the darkness the hidden pony grinned and raised its weapon at the easy prey it had spotted.

Luna forgot all about her brooding and did the only thing she could.

"Watch out, Pipsqueak!" she cried. "Above you! There's--"

She didn't have time to finish, for what happened next surprised her so much she couldn't even speak anymore.

As soon as she had called out to Pip, the foal stopped moving and singing. But it wasn't from surprise or shock; without losing a second, the foal drew his gun faster than Luna could have ever thought possible, and in the same swooping motion that made him spin around and look upwards, directly at where the pony was hidden in the trees, he raised his weapon and fired a single, lightning-quick shot.

Luna saw that he had perfectly aimed and hit his attacker's own weapon, which was sent flying out of its hooves and onto the ground. The pony gasped, losing its balance as a result. Eventually it fell and crashed to the ground with a yelp. Luna recognized the pony, a chestnut-brown stallion with a ruffled mane, as one Doctor Whooves. As soon as he fell, little Pip trotted to the dazed attacker. With a very serious and intimidating expression, the young foal pressed the barrel of his weapon mercilessly against his attacker's forehead.

What followed was a moment of pure silence in the black of night. Luna, who had been watching the incredible scene unfurl, stood rooted to the spot without daring to breathe. She was now looking at Pip, who stared unblinking and stern at the brown stallion, straight in the eye. The latter didn't dare to breathe himself, or to break his gaze. He simply stared, confused, wide-eyed and helpless, at the tiny foal above him, beads of sweat rolling down his fur as he seemed to contemplate his final judgement.

"I-I..." he finally whimpered. "I don't want to go...!"

As soon as he had spoken Pip fired another shot, at point-blank this time. The paint bullet crashed on the doctor's head, making him jar in a final gasp before he stopped moving. Luna jumped in shock from the brutality of the shot, and only afterwards was she able to regain her breath somewhat.

She watched, terrified, as Pip looked down mercilessly at his defeated opponent. The doctor was not dead, of course; but he might as well have been. There he lay listlessly on the ground, his breath shallow and his gaze empty.

Pip turned round to look at Luna. The princess was terrified as he said nothing for a few seconds. She considered making a run for it, afraid that he would shoot her. But she was paralyzed, too creeped out by the foal's unguessable and eerily powerful paintball skills to move.

Suddenly, she heard noises in the woods. There were ponies running about, shouting at each other. Even a few shots could be heard in the night.

Pipsqueak turned his little head to where the noises were coming from with a look of a pony who was mulling things over, or considering their next move carefully. After a moment though, he looked back at Luna with a confident smile.

"Well come on then!" he said in his high-pitched British voice. "Off we go! Let's hope we don't run into those ponies, or they'll make us walk the plank!" he said with a wink to Luna.

And off he trotted, talking to himself in piratical slang again, as if none of that had ever happened. Luna could still not quite comprehend what had just taken place, but after some profuse blinking she decided to walk on and join Pip.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about being defenseless anymore.

Up on the rocky bluff, the two mares looked at each other in complete shock.

The silence between them was unbearably tense, but it didn't last long. Once she had taken in the situation, Derpy spun round and quickly grabbed her sniper rifle, returning to aim at Twilight.

"W-What? No, Derpy wait!" stammered the unicorn, whose heartbeat rate had shot up in a split second.

But the pegasus lost no time and without taking the time to aim with the massive weapon she was holding, she fired a shot at Twilight. The lavender mare shrieked and ducked instinctively, which caused Derpy's paintball to narrowly miss her and splatter on the rock of the mountain in front of which Twilight's head had just been.

"Augh! Derpy wait, wait!" pleaded a panicked Twilight. She watched in fear as Derpy took better aim at her. In her panic she dropped her gun and stood up on her hind legs, desperately raising both her forelegs in the air in the universal symbol for ceasefire. "STOP!"

Derpy did not fire. She didn't move, and Twilight could make out the mare's very slight trembling as she had to take a serious decision whether to shoot or not. In the end she grunted and quickly drew her weapon away.

Twilight put her forelegs back to the ground, breathing out a huge sigh of relief. Derpy was looking at her, and Twilight could see that for once the mare's cross-eyed gaze was fierce and focused. She was not pleased at all.

"How the hell did you find this place?" she yelled.

Something immediately struck Twilight in the way that Derpy spoke. She had heard the mare speak a few times before, namely when she dropped by every now and then to deliver the mail. Usually her speech was quite slurred; but not this time. Her voice was a little low for that of a mare, but it was definitely sharp and articulate enough.

Twilight wanted to answer the question, but her bewilderment was taking over. It wasn't just in her speech; it was her entire attitude at the present moment, and from what Twilight could see, she was getting a weird vibe that Derpy was not that... 'derpy' after all.

"Um... Derpy?" she said after a while. "You, um... Is that really you?"

Twilight immediately regretted her choice of words, thinking she had been quite hurtful. But Derpy seemed too surprised and upset to feel hurt. The grey mare simply huffed and, grabbing her rifle she resumed her usual position of aiming it at the trees below.

"That's 'Ditzy' to you. And if you want to leave this place still in the game, Twilight, I suggest you leave me alone," she said bluntly. But Twilight was too curious to just leave.

"Sorry," she said. "What I meant to say was, um... I dunno, how come you're so... so normal?"

Once more the unicorn cursed herself for not being able to think of a better way of putting it despite being so naturally verbose.

"That's my own business," snapped Derpy without turning around. "And I have to attend to it right now, so if you could just leave right now, we can discuss this when the game is over!"

"Business?" asked Twilight, giving into her curiosity. "What business? With a sniper rifle? Just what is going on around--"

Twilight jumped as Derpy spun around once more, looking furious.

"Nothing you need to know!" the pegasus shouted. "There's nothing to explain, all right? It's just... just..."

Derpy, at a loss for words, gave a long defeated sigh in which she let out all her anger. She then returned to her sniping position.

"I'm always normal," she muttered.

Twilight was so shocked by what she was witnessing that she could definitely not leave now. Tentatively she tried to approach Derpy.

"Always?" she asked. "Derpy are you saying that your, um... condition... It's--"

"Yeah," cut in the pegasus. "It's just a façade..."

"But... why?"

Derpy gave another sigh. She looked at Twilight as seriously as a cross-eyed mare could.

"If I tell you... you promise to tell nopony?"

"Yes! I mean no, no I won't!" stammered Twilight, surprised at how intimidating Derpy could be despite her eyes being out of focus.

"It is absolutely vital that you don't tell a single soul of what I'm going to tell you, understand?"

"Yeah!" said Twilight. "Not a soul, I promise!"

Derpy looked back into the aiming lens of her rifle and started talking in a visibly annoyed way.

"The truth is I'm not a mailmare either... that's just part of the act."

"An act? As in, to cover up something?"

"Yes, and please don't interrupt me," muttered Derpy. "I'm not really mentally hindered... I'm just the way you see me. I cover up my identity because of what I do for a living. If it were to be known that I'm just as intelligent as anyone else, those I'm up against would know who I am and they would hunt me down... And then you'd all be done for."

Twilight listened intently to what the pegasus was saying, but she wasn't quite getting it. "I don't understand," she said.

Derpy gave out yet another sigh.

"Look," she said. "You ever wondered about all the weird stuff that keeps happening around our town? Like the keeper of the gates of Tartarus just waltzing into Ponyville and stuff like that?"

"Well... yeah, but... that was just that one time and it was quickly resolved, so I guess I never thought about it."

"Really now? A lot of three-headed dogs back in Canterlot?" replied Derpy sarcastically.

Twilight didn't answer. Derpy resumed her explanation.

"Everypony thinks that these things just happen from time to time, and blow over eventually..." she said. "But the truth is, Twilight, there are a lot, and I mean a lot of weird and dangerous creatures out there. Ursa minors, Ursa majors, Cerberus... that ain't even half of it. There are so many many dangers out there that if they were free to trot into town, we would have been wiped out a long time ago."

"But... But they don't!" said Twilight, who was getting lost in Derpy's explanation. The pegasus nodded in response.

"That's right," she said. "And the only reason they don't is because I'm around town to stop them. That's my real job: I'm hired by the princesses to act as an undercover protector of Ponyville against all the crazy stuff there is out there."

Twilight was flabbergasted. She could hardly believe what she was hearing. Derpy? A real-life mare-do-well?

"So you see," she continued, "that's why I act as a silly mailmare. To check on the well-being of our community. Also, it serves as a cover for me. You see, the dangerous foes I fight every now and then don't know that it's actually me that takes them out -- and not with paintball bullets, truth be told. No, they know there's someone out there against them, but they don't know it's me. If they did, they'd surely find a way to take me out by surprise. I'm just a pony after all."

She turned to Twilight.

"Now do you understand?" she said solemnly.

Twilight was having a hard time doing so, but it was slowly sinking in.

"Uh... yeah, I guess... I mean... wow."

Derpy turned back to her rifle. "Remember, Twilight," she said. "Not a peep out of you. You just happened to be here at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Of course!" said Twilight. But there was still one thing she didn't understand. "But... what are you doing here then? I mean, are you a player too?"

Derpy took a while to answer.

"Yeah... and no," she said. "I mean, I'll definitely be looking for the prize, whatever it is. I intend to be the last pony standing like anypony else. But I can't really go out on the field like this, with my trusty rifle. My cover could get easily blown. Besides, Princess Celestia told me I could play the game but that I was still on duty."

"Why?" asked Twilight. "Is there anything dangerous out there in the game?"

Derpy blinked, and slowly raised herself up from her crouching position. She looked at the trees below, her gaze seemingly lost in space. She pursed her lips, and Twilight understood that Derpy believed she had made a mistake and told the unicorn too much.

The pegasus gave a sigh, and looked at Twilight.

"In this world," she began, "there is only one creature, one foe, that knows of my true identity."

Twilight's interest was now piqued even further. "Really?"

"Yeah," said Derpy. "And Celestia fears that he actually might find his way into the game and wreck everything."

"He?" asked Twilight. "Who's he?"

"You know," said Derpy, turning to Twilight with a very grave expression. "... Him."

Twilight still didn't understand. She rummaged through all the people she knew...

And then, horribly, it hit her.

"Oh, no..." she said, aghast.

Oh yes... said a voice out of nowhere. It was very low, and boomed through the trees. Derpy started as though stung by a bee, and pointed her rifle angrily at wherever the voice had come from.

Twilight was terrified once more. For the voice confirmed her suspicions, as it could only belong to one creature.

It was Discord.

The low rumble of his voice was heard once more, as he gave a low and ominous laugh that echoed all around them. A question ran through Twilight's mind.

Is this what Pinkie was talking about?

Suddenly, Twilight felt a very bizarre sensation in her head, and her horn suddenly shone bright with magic. A weird, unexplainable feeling coursed through her and she found herself incredibly surprised, for she suddenly knew where the draconequus was. She turned to look at a part of the forest.

"Derpy! Over there!" she said, pointing a hoof in front of her.

The pegasus lost no time in pondering how Twilight saw it, but she saw it as well. From somewhere between the trees she could see just the end of Discord's tail flailing about above the treetops. Immediately she pointed her rifle at it and fired a paintball. The bullet zipped strongly through the skies towards the tail. It missed, but it was a very close shot. Discord withdrew his tail, hissing angrily and disappearing into the woods.

There was silence once more. Derpy stayed as she was, panting a little. For a few seconds more she pointed her gun at other parts of the forest, looking to see if she couldn't spot the creature again. But he had disappeared for the time being.

Lowering her weapon, she turned to Twilight and gave her a curious look. She had heard all about the unicorn's incredible abilities and how they never failed to impress. They had just shown themselves to her for the first time, and Derpy could confirm that the unicorn's magical abilities were indeed quite extraordinary, and quite useful in a tight spot.

Derpy decided that she had changed her mind.

"You should stay here, Twilight," she stated.

"What?" said Twilight, surprised by the offer.

"Yeah," continued Derpy. "I don't know how you did it, but... you just found out where Discord was hiding. It just came to you. Naturally you can leave now or whenever you want... but if your horn can act as a radar for whenever our enemy is nearby, it would be incredibly useful to me."

Twilight was a little stunned. "I don't know..." she said. "I-I didn't do that on purpose, you know... It just happened. I don't know if it'll work again. I don't think I can be much help to you."

"I'll take whatever I can get," said Derpy.

Twilight stared at her. The pegasus, whom she now saw in a shocking new light, had put a lot of trust into her. And all things considered, Twilight had virtually no chance of winning the game. She was inexperienced, and she didn't even care that much about the prize in the first place. She decided that this might be a much better role to play, safe up here on the bluff... looking for Equestria's biggest threat.

"Ok," she said. "I'll stay."

Much later, when night had fallen, Twilight lay on her back on the bluff, trying to get some sleep. She looked up wondrously at the beautiful view she had. The jet-black sky was exposed to her in the crisp air of the night. It was sprawled out in all its immensity above her, as if made of ink. She lost herself in the ocean of stars above, and felt very, very small contemplating the reaches of space above her.

As serene as all of this was, she kept mulling over the crazy events of the day. She had gone from waking up to a normal day in Ponyville, to being thrown into an Everfree-wide game of paintball that she had no experience in, to ending up stargazing here in the mountains.

She turned to Derpy. The pegasus was still hunched over her sniper rifle, eyeing the scenery below as she had done for the last few hours. A fire that they had made burned in the middle of the rocky outcrop, casting shadows all over it in the night. From their first near-encounter with Discord to the point of now when the cicadas sang under the moon, they had not run into him again. But he was out there, somewhere in the woods, no doubt plotting against the world once more. Twilight understood that it was necessary for her to stay here to spot him if he got too close, and for Derpy to keep an eye on the ponies playing the game, as their watchful protector.

"Huh... Well done, little Pipsqueak," Twilight heard Derpy say to herself. Apparently the pegasus could see everything through that lens of hers.

As Twilight pondered on, she saw Derpy reaching for something in a bag next to her. Twilight supposed that they contained snacks, because the pegasus had been taking one out of the bag every now and then for the past hour.

"Der-- Ditzy?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Is it hard for you to keep your eyes crossed all the time for the sake of disguise?"

To this question Derpy gave a loud and amused laugh.

"Actually," she said. "I’m just naturally cross-eyed. Makes it kind of ironic that I would turn out to be a sniper, huh..."

Twilight found it a little amusing herself. She suddenly realized something. Derpy's cutie mark weren't bubbles as most ponies thought. That made no sense. They were actually bullets viewed from the front.

"What are you eating?" she asked.

Derpy showed her, and Twilight grinned. Of course.

"Muffins," she said. "Made with special Sleepyhead Seeds that keep you awake for hours. Thanks to these I can stay awake and alert for days on end, which is quite useful when you have to be on your guard at all times. Celestia orders them specially from Sugarcube Corner for me, so as to not raise any questions. By the way, if you didn't tell Pinkie Pie about any of this, I would be most grateful."

"Of course."

Twilight mulled over the extraordinary revelations she had had about the grey pegasus. Who would have thought Derpy had such an important role to play in everypony's lives? She was no ordinary mailmare, and the reason she blended seamlessly in the background wherever she went was not anything Twilight could have ever figured out. Derpy was royally appointed to keep Ponyville safe and sound, and she devoted herself fully to that purpose. And to think, that she could never be allowed to be thanked or praised for what she did. Maybe, just maybe...

Maybe this game is all just a subtle plan for the princesses to stop Equestria from falling into the clutches of evil once more.

"You should get some sleep yourself, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight agreed. She tried to keep her mind off of things, but she couldn't do it that easily. Eventually, though, she did fall asleep. She would need her rest, considering what was to come in the next few days.