SPLASH! The feel of a cup's worth of ice-cold water hitting her face brought Twilight back to her senses in a hurry. "Gah!" she cried out, sitting up from her bed with a start. "Where am I? What happened?" she sputtered, in between coughing up mouthfuls of water.
"Sufferin' horseapples!" Twilight heard Applejack curse. "Consarn it, Pinkie!" the orange pony shouted over at her pink counterpart. "Warn me next time you start playin' that dang trumpet of yours! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"
"Applejack?" Twilight asked, blinking the water from her eyes. "What's going on?"
"Well, she was trying to put a cold cloth on your forehead," Rarity explained, as she approached Twilight's bedside, "but she apparently neglected to wring the cloth out properly, and ended up giving you a bath instead."
"I don't need no editorializin' from the peanut gallery," Applejack grumbled, giving Rarity a stern look before turning back to Twilight. "I'm awful sorry, Twi," she apologized, grabbing a dry towel with her teeth and tossing it to Twilight. "I've taken care of my fair share of sick fillies, but I'm still no Fluttershy."
"What about the battle?" Twilight pushed. "How long have I been out? Did I...did I win?"
"Well...let's just say you didn't lose," Rarity offered.
"Oh, it was epic!" Pinkie Pie declared, dropping her instrument and racing over to Twilight. "There was this mystery guy, and he started speaking in this really weird language, and then there was this huuuuge light in the sky, and then this huge lightning bolt went BOOM! And then you were all swirly-eyed, and you starting talking to your mom, which was really freaky since she wasn't there..."
"Yes, Pinkie, I was there for that part," Twilight interrupted. "What happened after that?"
"Oh! Well, we threw this massive dance party," Pinkie Pie recalled, "and I ran into that crazy wrestler guy who talks during the big fights, and he was wearing a lampshade on his head and kept calling me 'Stinky Guy,' except it sounded more like 'Steee Gahh,' because he kept chugging pitchers of hard cider..."
"Good grief!" Twilight exclaimed, plugging her ears as Pinkie meticulously described her party antics. "Could somepony else tell me what happened, please?" Twilight pleaded.
"The ref got buried by the sand that bolt kicked up," Applejack explained, "and by the time somepony dug him out..."
"A trio of horrid little creatures with big mouths attacked that mysterious fellow," Rarity summarized, "and fooled the referee into declaring you the winner."
"What...what happened to my opponent?" Twilight asked nervously.
"Oh, nothing too serious!" Pinkie replied. "He just had his soul removed like everypony else, that's all!"
Twilight gulped at the revelation. "R...right," she agreed half-heartedly. "Nothing too serious."
"Heyyyyyyyyy pony ladies!" Rainbow Dash's voice drifted in from afar, and within seconds the rainbow-maned pegasus was inside the hut, hovering above the other ponies. "Is Twilight back among the living yet?" she inquired, unable to suppress a wide grin.
"She's still restin'," Applejack answered, as she eyed Rainbow with suspicion. "What are you so happy about, anyways? You're grinnin' like a beaver who just found himself a fifty-foot fir tree!"
"Oh, nothing," Rainbow fibbed. "I just happened to stop by the bulletin board this morning."
"You know what our next, er...engagement will be, then?" Rarity deduced. "Well, out with it! It's terribly rude to keep a lady - and whatever Applejack is - waiting."
Applejack rolled her eyes at the subtle dig, which only made Rainbow's smile bigger. "Oh, this one's going to be good," the pegasus snickered.
"Ooh! Ooh! Let me guess!" Pinkie shouted. "It is...Rarity versus Mokap! No, Applejack versus Meat! Wait, I've got it: Mr. T vs. Mr. Rogers!"
"Oh, it's way better than any of those...except maybe that T one," Rainbow revealed.
"Well then, spit it out already!" Applejack demanded. "Who's fightin' who?"
Rarity sighed. "It is 'who's fighting whom," she corrected Applejack.
"For Pete's sake, Rarity," Applejack groaned, "this ain't the time to be fussin' over grammar like some strict schoolpony! I just want to know who's fightin' today!"
"Being in a hurry is never an excuse for one to play fast and loose with language," Rarity retorted. "Of course, I would expect nothing less from a..."
"From a what?" Applejack shouted. "Go on, say it! Say it to my face!"
"Girls, stop!" Twilight yelled over the din. "This is not the time for petty arguments!"
"Twilight's right, girls," Rainbow Dash agreed. "This is definitely not the right time. If you ask me, I'd say the right time would be about...oh, one o'clock, over on the beach."
"That sound like a..." Rarity stopped in mid-sentence. "And just what are you insinuating?" she asked Rainbow Dash.
"I'm not...uh, in-sul-lay-ting anything," Rainbow offered, tripping over Rarity's large vocabulary. "I'm telling you that the next fight is between..."
"Applejack and Rarity!" Shao Kahn declared, pointing at the two names on a whiteboard as he addressed some of his remaining team members within a small a conference room inside his castle. "The salt-of-the-earth hayseed versus the refined socialite: A formula for mayhem as old as civilization itself!"
The fighters seated around the conference table nodded in agreement. "It weakens the ponies by turning them against one another," a bald man with an oversized mouth and sharp teeth spoke up, "while further thinning their ranks."
"Plus," a four-armed, olive-skinned female wearing minimal clothing quipped, "it spares our ninja brethren from further humiliation at their hands...oh, I'm sorry, at their hooves." The woman cast a smug glance at a ninja dressed in black from head to toe who was sitting across the table.
The black-clothed ninja threw up his hands in exasperation. "Oh, come on!" he objected. "So Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Reptile, Smoke, and Rain went down in flames - why does that always reflect poorly on me? I'm twice the fighter those blockheads are!"
"Actually," a middle-aged man sporting a brown, loose-fitting body suit chimed in, "if you crunch the numbers, you'll find that the performances of all five of you are eerily similar in terms of general winning percentage and opponent success rates. I say 'five' because Smoke is a bit of an outlier, and not in a good way, let me tell you."
The bald fighter gave the man in the brown body suit a funny look. "Who are you?" he asked. "I've never met you before..."
"I'm Dr. Peter Venkman," the middle-aged man replied. "Your blue buddy Zero called me in to look into some potential paranormal activity. He thought your resident undead assassin was cheating him at Scrabble by having other spirits hover behind him and read his tiles."
Now it was the dark-clothed ninja's turn to shoot Peter a strange look. "Really?" the ninja asked.
Dr. Venkman smiled. "No, not really," he admitted. "I'm you." In an instant, Dr. Venkman's features melted away, and a carbon-copy of the ninja appeared in his place. "What's the matter? Don't you recognize...you?" The new ninja unleashed a hearty laugh. "Perhaps you're more of a 'Noob' than I realized!"
"I don't get it," the four-armed woman said to Shao Kahn. "I though you said you threw Shang Tsung into the dungeon last night."
Kahn smiled. "I did," he confirmed. "Everyone, I'd like you all to meet Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings over in Equestria. She'll be joining our management team for the remainder of the tournament. Chrysalis, these are some of my loyal henchmen..."
"Ahem!" the four-armed lady interrupted.
Shao Kahn sighed. "My loyal henchpeople," he corrected himself. "The bald guy with too many teeth is Baraka, the persnickety woman with too many limbs is Sheeva, and the goth ninja with too many recolored clones is Noob Saibot."
"Pleased to make your acquaintances," Chrysalis offered, as she morphed from Noob Saibot to her true, diseased-looking form.
"Now then," Shao Kahn began, pointing to the two pony names on the whiteboard, "our first order of business: Who do we want to actually win this fight?"
"Rarity. Definitely Rarity," Sheeva declared emphatically. "I won't be able to speak with her today, and we can't take away her soul until I've asked her if she makes dresses for non-ponies."
Baraka facepalmed at Sheeva's reasoning. "You are right for all the wrong reasons," he observed. "The fashion pony is easily distracted by trivial concerns - simply getting her dirty is enough to destroy her resolve. Applejack, on the other hand, has shown a knack for overcoming the most trying of circumstances."
"Not to mention," Noob Saibot added, "we've had to move a number of fights because Applejack collapsed an entire cavern with just her hind legs. I'll take my chances with Diamond Butt over Apple Flank any day, thank you very much."
"Duly noted," Shao Kahn said. "And what say you, Chrysalis?"
Chrysalis cast a stern glare across the table. "The question is irrelevant," she proclaimed. "The farmer and dressmaker are gullible fools who pose no threat to your empire. It is Celestia's student that you need to worry about. She is the only one capable of ruining your plans."
"I'll mark that as an abstention," Shao Kahn decided, ignoring the rest of Chrysalis's rant. "The Rarity votes carry the day! Now, for my next question...does the prissy pony stand a snowball's chance in the Golden Desert of winning?"
Baraka, Sheeva, and Noob Saibot exchanged glances. "Nope," they declared in unison.
"Zero percent, eh?" Kahn smiled his most evil smile. "Luckily for you hosers, statistics can be manipulated into saying anything we darn well please." He drew a small circle on the whiteboard behind him, augmented it with eyes, a hat, and a small trio of apples, and pointed his marker at it. "So tell me," he inquired, "what is Applejack?"
"Er...she's a talking pony, isn't she?" Sheeva responded.
"No, no, no!" Shao Kahn shouted. "I mean, what really makes Applejack Applejack? If you had to describe her in five words, what would they be?"
"Well..." Sheeva scratched her head and her chin simultaneously as she racked her brain. "She's one of those 'work until the job's done' types," she observed. "She doesn't like to waste time just standing around."
"Exactly!" Shao Kahn declared. "This, my friends, is an old-school mare who believes that idle hooves are the devil's playground! She's not waiting for life to come to her, no sir - she's going to grab the bull by the horns, metaphorically speaking, and not stop until that bad boy's hogtied and branded!"
Chrysalis shook her head at Kahn's oratory. "And just how does this help us?" she inquired.
"Easy," Shao Kahn replied. "If the pony needs something to do...we'll give her something to do."
Applejack, for her part, had left the ponies' cabin after learning she would be fighting Rarity, preferring to prepare in solitude for her match. Still, after fifteen minutes of canvassing the island, one of Shao Kahn's staff ninjas located the apple farmer practicing her bucking technique on some of the deserted fighter huts.
"Excuse me, ma'am," the ninja said as he approached Applejack. "I'm with the environmental maintenance crew here on the island, and we were wondering if you could help us with something."
"Help?" Applejack stopped wailing on the hut wall for a moment, and gave the ninja a suspicious look. "You take my sister's soul and make me fight a bunch of varmints to get it back, and now you want me to help you?" She shook her head and went back to her bucking. "Sorry, but I'm kind of busy right now..."
"I understand," the ninja replied, turning to leave. "I'm just not sure what to tell those families, though."
"Families?" Applejack paused in mid-buck. "What're you goin' on about?"
"Well, I was hoping to get you to help us clear away some rubble from a collapsed cavern high up on the mountain, to free some children who were playing inside," the ninja explained. "We estimate that they've got about two hours worth of oxygen in there, so we really wanted to open that cavern back up before then. If you've got other things to do, though..."
"Land sakes!" Applejack shouted. "You've got two hours to save a bunch of kids?" Applejack abandoned her bucking and rushed over to where the ninja stood. "Why didn't you say so?" she demanded. "Of course I'll pitch in! Where is this dang cavern, anyhow?"
"Oh, it's pretty high up on the mountain, a ways above where you fought Blaze earlier," the ninja revealed. "First, though, we've got to get our equipment up there. Follow me."
The ninja led Applejack away from the fighter huts, through a dense section of jungle, and finally to a remote location on the beach, where several other ninjas were unloading a bunch of large boxes from a ship docked nearby. "Luckily, the rock-busting gear we ordered from Amazon arrived just in the nick of time," the guiding ninja commented. "Funny how that works, huh?"
"Quit talkin' and start pullin'!" Applejack ordered, using her teeth to grab a conveniently-placed rope that had been tied around the largest box. "Whih way do ah goh?" she asked, her voice muffled by the rope.
"Just follow that path there!" One of the box-carrying ninjas gestured to a path leading back in the forest.
"Fahn! Leh goh!" With that, Applejack began dragging the large box up the trail, struggling a bit with the weight of the cargo inside.
Behind Applejack, the staff ninjas exchanged devious smiles behind their masks. "What did you put in that box, anyway?" the ninja who had fetched Applejack asked his compadres.
"Oh, you know - sledgehammers, wedges, six hundred pounds of kitty litter," one of the other ninjas replied. "Just standard rescue operation gear. We've got four more boxes like that on board."
"You'd better get them out, fast," the first ninja suggested, watching as Applejack disappeared into the jungle. "Maybe add a few more kitty litter bags, too. A few more treks like this, and she'll be too tired to think, let alone battle."
Back at the ponies' hut, Rarity had settled on occupational therapy as her method of preparing for her bout, and spent her morning putting together a set of new wardrobe designs. "Now this is going to look fabulous!" she cooed, taking a second to admire a sparkly blue dress that she had highlighted with some gems she had found (and made Twilight dig up). "Those sapphires accent the fabric choice marvelously!"
"Um...Rarity?" Twilight interrupted, a bit confused at the dressmaker's behavior. "What are you doing?"
"Why, I'm working on my new summer collection!" Rarity answered cheerily, using her magic to pull a measuring tape out of her bag. "I admit, it's a bit of a nuisance not having my sewing machine here, but I'll manage. After all, when inspiration strikes, one must heed its call!"
Twilight sighed, assuming her friend was just seeking a way to keep her mind off of her match with Applejack. "Look," she offered, "I know having to fight against a friend is hard..."
"Now, Twilight, darling," Rarity assured the purple unicorn, as she measured another length of blue fabric, "there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Applejack and I are mature, professional ponies who understand that this, er...brouhaha...is just business, and that our feelings towards each other will not be affected in any way."
"Really?" Twilight smiled. "I'm so glad to hear that! I was afraid that you..."
"Yes," Rarity continued, pulling out her fabric scissors and beginning to cut the fabric she had measured. "No matter what happens, Applejack will always be a loyal, honest, proud, energetic, salt-of-the-earth, hard-working, hardheaded, stubborn, brutish, closed-minded, unfashionable, uncultured, act-before-you-think...what in Luna's name is wrong with these confounded scissors?" she sputtered, her voice and frustration rising with every syllable.
Twilight gave Rarity a bemused look, and pointed at the scissors. "I think you're try to cut too many things at once," she observed.
"What do you mean, I'm...oh dear." Rarity stopped in mid-sentence, realizing that in her rage, she had not only cut through half of the fabric, but also half of the table it was laying on. "Eh heh heh..." she laughed weakly, giving Twilight an embarrassed smile as she resumed her cutting, minus the table. "I, uh...I suppose I'm getting a little too caught up in my work," she incorrectly hypothesized.
"Just business, huh?" Twilight retorted, giving Rarity her best 'yeah, right' stare. "You're already talking about Applejack as if she were one of Shao Kahn's henchmen!"
Rarity sighed. "Would you feel any better," she asked, "if I promised to separate my friendship with Applejack from this fight, and to conduct myself in an honorable manner and not demonize her in any way?"
"Would you pinkie promise that?" Pinkie Pie inquired, appearing from out of nowhere to step between the two unicorns and pose her question.
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Rarity declared. "This fight will be about taking care of business, nothing more."
Twilight wasn't sure she bought Rarity's promise, but figured it was the best she could going to get for the moment. "All right," she decided, "I guess that's okay...but remember, Pinkie will be watching!"
"That's right!" Pinkie Pie confirmed, as Twilight turned and walked away. "I mean, I'd usually be watching The Trotting Dead then, but I found somepony to DVR it for me, so I will definitely be there!"
"I'm glad to hear that," Rarity offered. "Of course, if this fight is truly going to be about business, I'm going to need more ponies watching than just you." She stared at her half-finished dress and pondered the comment for a moment, then turned back to Pinkie. "Speaking of Applejack," she began, "she mentioned something about you using a phone at Fluttershy's last fight. Do you still have it with you? I need to make a few calls..."
As Rarity continued on her creative binge, Applejack tore through her impromptu cardio session at a blistering pace, hauling all five of her oversized (and overloaded) boxes to the 'accident' site near the summit of Shao Kahn's mountain while barely breaking a sweat. "This here's the last one!" the earth pony announced upon arriving with box number five. "Y'all should have everything you need to save those kids now!"
Standing near the boulders, Noob Saibot could only grimace from behind his mask and pull a walkie-talkie out of his pocket. "The pony was thirty seconds faster this time around," he growled. "I thought I told you to make the boxes heavier!"
"Don't blame us!" came the static-filled reply. "Blame the joker in supply who only ordered two tons of kitty litter! We dumped everything we had left into the fourth box, and had to stuff the entire kitchen crew into that box she just brought up to weigh it down!"
"What?" Noob shouted in surprise. "If the kitchen crew's in there, who's fixing lunch?"
"We ordered a bunch of take-out, and left it out as a buffet." the static-filled voice answered. "Oh, by the way: You might want to open that last box pretty fast. We didn't have time to poke any air holes in it, and one of the cooks was complaining about indigestion."
"Er...right. We'll get right on that. Stand by for further instructions." With that, Noob Saibot stuck the walkie-talkie back in his pocket and kicked the dirt in frustration.
Meanwhile, upon discovering that nothing actually seemed to be happening at the accident site, Applejack decided to take charge of the rescue operation, and began barking orders at the ninjas that were milling about. "Come on, y'all, get with the program!" Applejack demanded. "You ain't even got any of those boxes open yet!"
"Oh...er, right!" Noob agreed. "You heard the horse, you fools - open those crates!"
In short order, the crates were broken open, and an army of ninjas swarmed the cavern entrance and attacked the boulders in their way. The halfhearted manner in which they performed the operation, however, did not sit well with the orange pony. "Put your backs into it!" she ordered. "We've got to get those kids out!"
"Give us a break!" one of the hammer-toting ninjas snapped back. "It's not like you could do any better!"
"Oh, I couldn't, could I?" Her hackles raised at having her capabilities questioned, Applejack stomped over to where the largest boulder sat. "Well, let's just see about that!"
As the ninjas watched with varying levels of interest, Applejack picked up one of the wedges with her teeth, then reared back and spit the wedge at the boulder with such force that it stuck into the stone upon contact. Turning her back on the stone, Applejack then wound up and unleashed the most powerful buck she could muster, striking the wedge with her back hooves and immediately shattering the rock into small pieces. "Yee-haw!" she shouted triumphantly. "That's how you git 'er done!"
The ninjas could only gawk in stunned silence at the display of strength. "Holy smokes," one whispered. "It's like Chuck Norris had a daughter with Rachel Alexandra."
As Applejack moved on and begin repeating her feat with the other boulders, another ninja looked over at Noob Saibot. "The pony is not going to be happy when she blasts through those rocks and finds out there aren't any kids inside," the ninja commented.
"Then I delegate you as the person who tells her we've made a mistake once she discovers that fact," Noob Saibot shot back, grabbing the ninja by the back of his hood and flinging him back towards the pony-watching mob. Retrieving the walkie-talkie once again, Noob shouted more instructions to the ninjas back at sea level. "Find another cave near the shore, and block the entrance with boulders, ASAP," he demanded. "Get two of Chrysalis's change-thingys to pose as kids inside." He cast another glance at Applejack as the earth pony made quick work of the large stones. "Tell them not to worry," he said with a sigh. "Believe me, they'll be rescued."
The rest of the morning continued in a similar fashion, with Rarity furiously churning out outfits as Applejack bashed her way through half of the rocks on the island. Eventually, though, time ran out on the ponies, and the two competitors made their way to the beachside battle site. Rarity was the first to arrive on scene, reaching the battle site an Applejack-esque sixty minutes early, and passed the time by berating the staff ninjas who were present about the 'abhorrent environment' she had found.
"This battle surface is completely unacceptable!" Rarity fumed, kicking up a small cloud of dust in frustration. "All this sand will make a mess of my mane, and sully my new outfits!"
"'Sully your outfits?'" From her ringside beach chair, Rainbow Dash lifted her sunglasses and shot Rarity a stern gaze. "You know, if you really want to beat Applejack today, you're gonna have to get over your fear of dirt. And sun. And nature."
Rarity returned Rainbow's glare, but ignored the pegasus's comment. "What are you still doing over there?" she demanded. "I told you, that's where I want the photographers to stand! Why don't you make yourself useful and go see what's keeping Twilight and Pinkie Pie?"
"No way!" Rainbow Dash objected. "I got here an hour ago to stake out this seat, and I'm not moving!"
Rarity facehooved at Rainbow insolence, and summoned her magic to begin levitating the pegasus's chair off the ground. "Hey! Quit it!" Rainbow shouted. "This is my..."
Rainbow was cut off when Rarity suddenly flipped the beach chair upside down, causing the pegasus to fall to the ground with a splat. "There, you're up," Rarity muttered. "Now go find the other girls before I use this chair to make you a body cast!"
"Fine, fine..." Rainbow Dash replied, leaping back in to the sky and heading for the inland jungle. "I hope AJ gives her a mud bath," she grumbled to herself.
With her rainbow-maned friend busy, Rarity looked for the next poor creature to direct her ire towards. "You two!" she ordered, pointing a hoof at a pair of ninjas that were cowering behind a nearby boulder. "Go and find me the biggest carpet you have on this island this instant! We don't have much time!"
All of Applejack's rock-bashing and kid-rescuing made her later than she would have liked (which meant she was only ten minutes early), but the earth pony eventually found her way over to the battle site, looking none the worse for wear despite the best efforts of Kahn's ninjas. "I'm awful sorry to keep y'all waitin'!" Applejack apologized, as she bounded into the ring.
Not long afterwards, Noob Saibot arrived with the battle's referee. "Gosh, that pony with the hat looks awfully spry," the ref commented. "She must have gotten a good night's rest - I've heard sleep can do wonders for your health!"
"Apparently this pony's been sleeping since 1985," Noob grumbled. "I, on the other hand, am running on three hours of sleep and a Red Bull."
Rarity, meanwhile, was busy treading a six-inch-deep path into the sand, ranting all the while. "Where is everypony?" she sputtered. "Pinkie probably found something shiny on the ground to distract herself, but Twilight is usually much more punctual than this! And where is Rainbow Dash? Honestly, how long could it take for a pegasus to search an entire forest for two ponies? And where's my flipping carpet, anyway?"
"Well, I'm right here!" Applejack announced. "Let's get this here show on the road!"
"Absolutely not!" Rarity snapped. "We cannot begin until Twilight and Pinkie arrive with my designs!"
"Designs?" Applejack scratch her head in confusion. "Rarity, this is a fight, not a fashion show."
"Tell that to them!" Rarity replied, pointing a hoof towards a large throng of people standing alongside the ring.
"What the..." Applejack could only stare in bewilderment at the crowd, mostly made up of people (and even of couple of ponies) who were far too well-dressed to be watching a round of Mortal Kombat. "Who in tarnation are they?" she asked innocently.
"They," Rarity declared, "are only some of the world's biggest fashion moguls!" She squealed, smiling for the first time since arriving at the battle site, and struck a pose. "They're hear to see a certain somepony model the outfits from my newest collection!"
"Miss Rarity!" One of the fashion ponies in attendance, sporting a bluish-gray coat and a paper fan cutie mark, stepped forward. "I do hope we can get this show underway soon," he requested. "This harsh sun is wreaking havoc on my complexion."
"Of course, Mr. Hoity Toity," Rarity agreed. "I'm sure my, er...assistants shall be here momentarily."
"Good grief..." Applejack muttered under her breath.
Another awkward minute passed before Pinkie Pie finally emerged from the treeline, bouncing towards the ring in her usual manner while dragging a large screen behind her. "Hi, Rarity!" she greeted her fashionable friend. "I brought your changing screen, just like you asked!"
"And not a moment too soon!" Rarity responded, breathing a sigh of relief. "What took you so long? And where is Twilight? Shouldn't she be right behind you?"
"Of course not, silly!" Pinkie Pie laughed. "Your outfit rack was much heavier than your screen! Rainbow's helping her with that right now."
"WHAT?" An image of Rainbow crumpling her outfits together and carrying them over in a wrinkled heap flashed through Rarity's mind, and the mare bolted for the trees. "I'm coming, Twilight!" Rarity shouted. "Rainbow Dash, for the love of Celestia, keep your hooves off my clothes!"
Applejack facehooved at the whole scene. "We'll never get the battle goin' at this rate," she muttered.
"Aren't we waiting on Shing as well?" the referee pointed out.
"We'd better not wait for him," Noob Saibot advised. "He had a few too many ciders celebrating his promotion last night. His Facebook page had a bunch of new pictures of him doing that 'Gangnam Style' dance with Miss Pink over there."
"That was pretty fun," Pinkie Pie admitted.
Luckily for Applejack, she did not have to wait very long: Two minutes after disappearing, Rarity re-emerged from the jungle, dragging her oversized rack of outfits along with her teeth. (Rainbow Dash followed closely behind the unicorn, carrying an exhausted, slightly-dehydrated Twilight in her hooves.) Leaving the rack next to her changing screen, she brushed her hair back into place and turned to address the throng of fashionistas in attendance. "Fillies and gentlecolts," she began, despite the fact that at least 90% of the crowd was human, "I apologize profusely for the delay you have had to endure. Rest assured, however, that your patience will be rewarded with the revelation of the greatest fashion collection since Ralph Lauren played his first game of polo!" The pronouncement generated naught but a few whispers among the gathered moguls, but at least a few of them smiled.
"Er, before you do that..." the referee interrupted, "there is the matter of today's Mortal Kombat match!" He gestured towards the orange pony standing across from Rarity in the ring. "In this corner," he announced, "a rough-and-tumble pony who is rumored to have bench-pressed 700 pounds at the NFL combine using just her hind legs...Applejack! And in the opposite corner..."
"The most fashionable pony in Ponyville, and designer to the stars of Equestria," Rarity interrupted, "Rarity the unicorn!"
"I was going to say that," the referee offered.
Applejack gagged as Rarity bowed to her invited crowd. "Get over yourself for a change!" she shouted. "Stop goin' on about your clothes, and let's get this thing over with!"
Rarity simply sighed in response. "Very well," she agreed, "if you are so eager to 'get this over with,' I suppose those ne'er-do-wells will never find a proper carpet anyway."
"I guess that's means everyone - er, everypony - is ready!" the referee decided. "In that case...FIGHT!"
"Yee-haw!" Applejack cried out, rearing up on her back hooves before charging towards Rarity. "Get ready for an eight-second...whoa!" Applejack left her sentence hanging in the air upon discovering that she was hanging in the air, courtesy of Rarity's magic. "Hey! What gives?" Applejack sputtered. "Put me down!"
Rarity ignored Applejack's plea, and again turned to address the fashion critics. "For this collection," she narrated, "I was inspired by the juxtaposition of the island's serenity and the fighting's raw brutality. I believe you'll all find that these items capture both the strength and beauty of this exotic location."
"For cryin' out loud!" Applejack pleaded. "Would you stop talkin' about your froufrou designs for one second? We're supposed to be fightin' here!"
"Seriously!" Rainbow Dash seconded. "We want some action, not a bunch of fashion!"
Twilight, in contrast, watched the events unfold in silence, completely baffled by Rarity's actions (and still recovering from having to drag Rarity's clothes to the beach). Rarity's no dummy, she though to herself. She must know what she's doing. I just wish she'd let the rest of us in on the secret...
Meanwhile, Rarity continued with her opening monologue. "Prepare yourselves for the fashion revelation of a lifetime!" she advised. "Once I get my model ready, the show will begin!"
"Your model? What do you mean by..." Applejack stopped in mid-sentence as Rarity floated her towards the changing screen, her eyes widening as she realized exactly who Rarity's model was. "Oh, no you don't!" Applejack objected, flailing her limbs wildly in an attempt to resist Rarity's magic. "You ain't puttin' me in any of those fancy getups! No way, no how!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Applejack," Rarity apologized, "but I did promise Twilight that this battle would be about business."
"AAAHHH!!!" Applejack screamed in vain, as Rarity floated the earth pony in behind the screen. "Hey! That's my hat, not yours! Good grief, what is that? You keep that sparkly thing away from me! Holy horseshoes, it's got sequins! Stay back! Back!"
After about thirty seconds of loud crashes and pained screams from behind the curtain, Rarity pulled back the screen to reveal a stunned, trembling Applejack, now looking fabulous in a flowing, blue evening gown adorned with sparkling stones. "Ohhhh..." the crowd gasped in awe.
Annoyed by Applejack's paralysis, Rarity fired up her magic once more to take control of Applejack's legs and force the orange pony to strut across the battle ring. "This particular number," Rarity narrated, "was inspired by the beautiful blue sky that this island enjoys on a nearly-year-round basis!" Rarity shot a bemused glare at Rainbow Dash as she said the word 'nearly.' "The glass slippers add an extra level of elegance, and the crystal tiara rounds out the outfit quite nicely!"
Rainbow Dash gagged as the fashion crowd fawned over Applejack's outfit. "Borrrrrrring!" she jeered. "Man, I thought this was gonna be a cool battle."
For Applejack, however, the temperature of the match was considerably higher. The barrage of camera flashes eventually snapped her back to her senses, and she realized that she was being paraded in front of a bunch of gawking critics in an outfit that her cousin Braeburn would never let her live down. "Rarity!" she shouted, her face flush from a mixture of anger and embarrassment, "When I get my hooves on you, I'm gonna make you regret that you ever picked up a sewing needle!"
"Oh, come now, Applejack, can't you at least try to enjoy this?" Rarity teased, dragging the earth pony back behind the changing screen for a costume change. "For this next outfit," Rarity continued, turning to face the critics while ignoring Applejack's loud objections, "I drew inspiration from the lush greenery that covers the island. The trees, the brush, the mosses...it may seem to be a sanctuary of peace, but in reality it is but a thin veneer over the savagery that resides here. In that vein, I give you...the power of nature!"
Rarity drew back the screen using her magic to reveal a dumbfounded Applejack, now sporting a lei, a coconut bra, and a palm-frond skirt covered in small gems that sparkled in the sunlight. The earth pony said nothing, but her vacant expression and wide, twitching eyes spoke volumes.
The design drew more kudos from the critics in attendance. "Bravo, Miss Rarity!" Hoity Toity lauded the unicorn. "You've turned a bland, unoriginal outfit into an eye-catching masterpiece!"
Rarity flashed an evil smile at her opponent, and used her magic to raise Applejack onto her back hooves and make her hula dance across the battle ring. "I hoped you all would appreciate it," Rarity replied to the fashionista, taking a small bow. "But don't forget, there is plenty more where this came from!"
As the cameras flashed, Rarity continued her onslaught against Applejack's pride and resolve, dressing the earth pony in outfit after outfit, each one more ostentatious than the last. While the fashion moguls in attendance reveled at the display, everyone else, including the referee, had to avert their eyes from the scene. Eventually, even Pinkie Pie could take it no longer. "Too...much...sparkle..." she wheezed, collapsing to the ground and clutching her chest. "Oh no, it's the Big One!" she cried out. "You hear that, Fred? I'm coming to join you, pal!"
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes at Pinkie's antics. "Whatever," she muttered. "This battle's over - it'll take a miracle for AJ to come back now."
Twilight nodded. "Please, Rarity!" she pleaded. "You've won already! Stop doing this to Applejack!"
"Not until she's finished modeling my designs!" Rarity yelled back. "I've got seven more outfits to go, and..." Rarity left her sentence hanging in mid-air, as something in the distance caught her eye. Spinning around to look at whatever it was, a look a sheer terror appeared on her face. "Sweet mother of Luna!" she screamed, falling to the sand and covering her face with her hooves. "My eyes! They burn!" she screamed.
"AAAIIIEEE!" The fashion critics along the side of the ring had a similar reaction, recoiling in horror at whatever they were looking at. Those that didn't have a Pinkie-style heart attack turned and began fleeing the battle site, screaming all the while.
The outburst caused Rainbow to abort her getaway, and she turned back to look at the pandemonium that had swept the battle site. "Okay, I'll bite," she declared, tracing the horrified looks from the critics back to their source. "Holy Liberace..." she whispered, her eyes widening as she realized exactly what everypony had been looking at.
"What is it?" Twilight asked, unable to summon the courage to look herself. "Is it bad?"
"You know that miracle I was talking about?" Rainbow replied, pointing a hoof towards the treeline. "Well, I've just seen that miracle...and it's wearing hammer pants."
"Hammer what?" Twilight turned around and followed Rainbow Dash's hoof, flinching slightly at what she saw: Shing Tsung strolling down the beach in their direction, wearing a fluorescent-green suitcoat, an orange, leopard-spotted pair of baggy pants, an oversized pair of sunglasses, a gel-filled spiky hairdo, and enough gold chains to make Mr. T jealous. "Oh my," Twilight whispered. "What happened to him?"
Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Maybe he's decided to change his name to Bling Tsung."
Intrigued by the commotion, Pinkie Pie bounced back to her hooves and looked over at Shing. "Why...that...that's disgusting!" she proclaimed, in an uncharacteristic fit of anger.
"Really?" Rainbow Dash arched an eyebrow at her pink friend. "I figured you might actually like it."
"Don't be ridiculous!" Pinkie roared. "Do you have any idea how many fluorescent-green Siberian flamingos were killed to make that jacket? At least seventeen!" Pinkie Pie shot Shing a disappointed look. "Have you no shame?" she demanded.
"But aren't flamingos...oh, forget it," Rainbow muttered, deciding it wasn't worth the effort.
"Yo, yo, yo!" Shing greeted the battle-watchers, crossing all of his fingers in a lame attempt at making a gang sign. "How's the battizzle going on, peeps?"
Noob used his hand to shield his eyes from Shing's outfit. "Good grief, man!" he sputtered. "What on earth possessed you to dress like that?"
"You like my threads?" Shing Tsung smiled, and did a slow 360 to allow the world to admire his style (which just drew more screaming from the fashionistas). "They're just a little something I picked up to celebrate my promotion to head soul man!"
"Well, congratulations," Noob snarled sarcastically. "You're the initial recipient of Mortal Kombat's 'Worst Dressed' award! I mean, look what you've done to the poor pony!" Noob Saibot pointed at Rarity, who was still lying on the ground convulsing.
On the other hoof, Shing's arrival left Applejack a much-needed opening to recover her senses. "Wha...what happened?" she whispered to herself, discovering herself face-down in the sand where Rarity had dropped her. "Good gracious," she said to herself, as she picked herself up off the ground and shook the sand out of her mane. "I had this crazy dream about Rarity forcing me to dress up in all these awful...GAH!" Applejack cut herself off, partially because she realized that she was wearing a pink, form-fitting, gem-encrusted ninja outfit, and partially because she had accidentally looked directly at Shing's clothes. "This ain't no dream! Get this thing off me!" she shouted, quickly ripping off the clothing and kicking it to the side. "Where is that varmint?" she demanded, spinning around until she spotted Rarity twitching on the ground. "RARITY!" she yelled, charging the unicorn at top speed. "I'm gonna put you out of business permanently!"
"Eh?" Rarity's ears perked up at the sound of her name, and she looked up to see Applejack coming at her with a full head of steam. "EYAHHH!" she shrieked, leaping to her hooves and racing for the treeline. "Wait! Stop!" she called back to her pursuer.
"No waitin'! No stoppin'!" Applejack declared. "Just Poundin'!"
"Finally some action!" Rainbow cheered, jumping into the air to watch the action from above. "Looks like they're heading for the mountain!" she observed.
"Then that's where we're going, too!" Twilight announced. "Let's go, Pinkie!" She took a few gallops before looking back and realizing that Pinkie had abandoned her in favor of chewing out Shing for his flamingo-insensitive clothing, but decided it wasn't worth interrupting her, and kept on going.
The chase went on for a good fifteen minutes, as the two ponies made three complete laps around the island, then cut through the fighters' huts and cafeteria, and finally wound their way up the mountain in the center of the island. By the end, the scene morphed into something out of a Benny Hill skit, as fighters from all across the island joined in the chase to see how the battle turned out.
As she climbed higher and higher, Rarity cast a concerned eye at the rocks that made up the terrain around her. "Dear me," she said to herself, "this stone is dangerously weak - I'm surprised this entire mountainside didn't collapse years ago!" She pondered the thought for a moment, wondering what this could mean for her immediate future. "Hmm...I wonder..."
As luck would have it, Rarity soon came upon a large cavern near the mountain's summit, the same one where Applejack had first tried to save a pair of kids earlier in the day. "All right, then," she decided, taking a deep breath as she raced into the cave. "This will be where I make my stand."
Applejack, on the other hoof, pulled up as she reached the cavern entrance. "Well, shoot," she realized, "Rarity's just made my life a whole lot easier! All I've gotta do is give these here walls a few good licks, and I'll bring the house down on her fancy little head!"
"I...severely... doubt it," Noob Saibot gasped, as the rest of the field began arriving at the cave. "I've fought in that cave before, and the actual battle arena is a good three-tenths of a mile inside the mountain. Hitting the rock out here will only block her in - you'll have to get closer to cave in the cavern."
"Well, we can do that!" Applejack proclaimed confidently, kicking herself back into gear and hurrying into the cave.
As Applejack disappeared into the cave, one of Kahn's staff ninjas slunk over to Noob Saibot's position. "What did you tell the pony that for?" he asked. "The battle ring is maybe four hundred feet from the entrance!"
"I know that!" Noob Saibot snapped back. "I just didn't want that apple muncher caving in another one of our caves! Jarek and Hsu Hao are duking it out in there as we speak, and OSHA's already on our case about unsafe working conditions!"
Rarity discovered this fact the hard way, stumbling upon the battle just as one combatant, a stout-looking man wearing a brown vest, green pants, and a pair of oversized shin guards, was putting his opponent in a headlock. "Give it up, Hsu!" the man insisted, tightening his grip. "The Black Dragon clan shall carry the day!"
Hsu Hao, a green-skinned man sporting a pair of green pants, a matching hat, and a cybernetic heart glowing red in the center of his chest, scoffed at the offer. "Never!" he declared. "A Red Dragon would never surrender to a Black Dragon clodhopper like you, Jarek!"
"Pardon me, gentlemen, and I do use the term loosely," Rarity interrupted, "might you be willing to vacate this establishment for a moment? It's just that I have some pressing business to attend to, and..."
"Not until this windbag admits that the Black Dragon clan is superior!" Jarek snapped back.
"Then I'm afraid you'll be stuck here waiting until the end of...gah!" Hsu Hao tried to reply, but was cut off when Rarity used her magic to levitate and separate the fighters. "What manner of sorcery is this?" he demanded.
"Hey!" the battle's referee called out from the sideline. "You're not allowed to interfere with this battle!"
"They are interfering with my battle, and I am merely responding in kind!" Rarity shot back, magically flinging the fighters in the direction of the cave entrance. "Now move it or lose it!"
"Whoa Nellie!" The flying fighters nearly landed on top of Applejack as she arrived at the edge of the ring, but the earth pony sidestepped them with aplomb. "All right!" she snarled at Rarity. "There ain't gonna be any more runnin'! We're gonna settle this here fight, once and..."
"Hey!" Jarek objected, shoving Applejack out of the way. "This is our battle site! Go get your own!"
"Go shake an orange tree!" Applejack yelled back. "I'm tryin' to cancel a fashion show, if you don't mind!"
Sensing an opportunity, Hsu Hao spread his arms wide, then clapped his hands together with a loud bang that echoed through the cavern (and nearly caused Rarity to faint). The clap generated a fierce gust of wind that raced towards Jarek while the Black Dragon's back was turned. Jarek, however, managed to sidestep the gust at the last moment, and the attack instead struck Applejack in the face and sent her sprawling to the ground.
The orange pony came up spitting mad from the attack. "That does it!" she shouted. "I'm gonna teach y'all a lesson that you won't ever forget!"
The two fighters and the pony lunged at each other with fists, feet, hooves, and insults flying, stirring up a cloud of dust that obscured the actual happenings of the brawl. When the referee for Jarek and Hsu Hao tried to step in and break up the fight, he was instead sucked into the chaos and promptly pummeled.
From the far corner of the cave, Rarity could only facehoof at what was transpiring. "If you ask me, all three of these brutes need to be put in timeout and made to think about what they've done," she remarked. Being a pony of action herself, she used her magic to rectify the situation by pulling the combatants apart and levitating them all over to where she stood. "As punishment for your little escapade," she decreed, "I shall be assessing you all penalties for fighting, and will be restraining you here for the next...oh, however long that sport with the sticks and the missing teeth keeps you here for."
"Five minutes?" the present referee suggested.
"Five minutes it is," Rarity announced, turning to leave while leaving the fighting trio hovering in the air. "You should all be grateful that I intervened when I did," the unicorn pointed out, gesturing towards a few ominous cracks in the ceiling. "Why, another one of those dreadful loud claps could have collapsed this whole cavern!"
"Gee," Hsu Hao mused, "I never thought of that. Thanks, pony."
"That's 'Miss Rarity' to you," Rarity corrected the fighter.
"Oh, for the love of Celestia!" Applejack moaned. "What's wrong with you, Rarity? Stop all this stallin', and let's finish this thing!"
"That, my dear Applejack, is exactly what I plan to do," Rarity replied. She continued making her way towards the cave entrance, but stopped when she reached the edge of the battle ring. "Oh, and one more thing..."
As the other fighters watched nervously, Rarity took a deep breath, reared back, and unleashed her inner Fluttershy with a shrill cry of "AVALANCHE!!!"
The scream echoed off the cavern walls for a few moments, but was quickly overshadowed by the loud rumble of rocks cracking and shifting throughout the cave. "That will be all," Rarity concluded, turning and walking calmly towards the cave entrance.
"Holy smokes! The cave's gonna collapse!" Applejack cried out, stating the obvious. She and the two other fighters struggled to free themselves, but they found themselves held fast by Rarity's magic. "Dangnabbit, Rarity, this is cheating!" Applejack proclaimed. "Let me go so we can settle this like real ponies!"
"I consider the matter fairly well settled, thank you," Rarity called back. "Give my regards to Sweetie Belle and Spike!"
"No!" Jarek screamed. "I have not yet demonstrated the superiority of the Black Dragon clan to this Red Dragon loser! Come back, pony! ...Er, I mean, Miss Rarity!"
"The Black Dragon must be flattened by my hand, not a boulder's!" Hsu Hao seconded Jarek's plea.
"Boulders don't have hands!" Rarity shouted over the rumbling, as she dashed out of the cave (with Jarek and Hsu Hao's referee right behind her).
As the cave collapsed around her, Applejack could only sigh and stare at the ceiling. "Aw, nuts," was all she had to say.
Noob Saibot was already throwing a hissy fit when Rarity emerged from the cave. "Again with the cave-ins?" he sputtered. "Do you have any idea how much paperwork I need to fill out now? There's another week out of my life that I'll never get back!"
"I don't want to hear it, bro!" Shing Tsung shouted at Noob. "I mean, I'm the one who has to dig through all that stupid rock to get their souls!"
"No worries, gang - I can do that!" Pinkie volunteered. As the crowd watched in amazement, Pinkie squeezed herself through a two-inch gap between a few of the larger boulders near the cave entrance, and made her way to the battle arena inside. Thirty second later, she emerged with the flattened trio of combatants. "See? Easy peasy!" she declared, drawing a round of applause from the crowd.
Twilight quickly hurried over to where Pinkie had dropped Applejack onto the ground. "Applejack? Are you alright? Speak to me!" she begged.
Through sheer force of will, Applejack managed to open her eyes and focus them on the unicorn in front of her. "It's okay! I'm...fine," she insisted. "Just...let me...get back...on my hooves..."
'Getting back on her hooves' turned out to be a three-minute ordeal, during which most of the gathered crowd left to watch something more exciting, like paint drying. Finally, though, Applejack managed to steady herself, and crept gingerly over to where Rarity stood. "All...right...Rarity," Applejack managed to say, "no...more...magic tricks. Let's...settle this...once...and for all."
Rarity rolled her eyes. "If you insist," she agreed.
As Applejack tried to figure out which of the four Rarities she saw was the real one, Rarity unleashed her own ultimate attack: She huffed, and she puffed, and she blew as hard as she could, toppling Applejack with a single breath and causing the earth pony to faint.
"That's it!" the referee for Rarity and Applejack's fight announced. "This match is over! Rarity wins!"
The other referee scratched his head as he looked down upon the unconscious forms of Jarek and Hsu Hao. "I guess this one's a draw," he finally decided.
"A draw?" Shing exclaimed in shock. "I mean, I don't think we've ever had a draw in Mortal Kombat before..."
"We had to call a match between John McClane and Batman because of darkness once," Noob Saibot recalled. "Kahn called them wimps and took both of their souls, so he'll probably do the same thing here."
Twilight averted her eyes as Shing Tsung began removing Applejack's soul. "This is worse than I thought," she admitted.
"I know what you mean," one of Kahn's staff ninjas commented as he walked by. "Vegas had Applejack as a heavy favorite, and set the betting line at five minutes. There are going to be a ton of angry gamblers when this result gets posted."
"Forget the gamblers!" Twilight sputtered. "Don't you see? Rarity and Applejack have been friends forever, and Shao Kahn just made Rarity drop a mountain on Applejack's head! He's destroying our bond as friends by making us destroy each other!"
"Well, duh," Rainbow Dash confirmed. "I mean, that's kind of the point of a tournament, isn't it? Only one pony can win...and just so you know, it's going to be me!"
"I beg to differ," Rarity countered. "Regardless of what you think of Scootaloo, Rainbow, I have an actual sister to save, not to mention poor Spike. I will beat you, and Pinkie...and yes, Twilight, even you."
"Puh-lease!" Pinkie laughed. "I have to win! I mean, if I lose, who's gonna throw the after-parties? This place would be flatter than a week-old soda without me!"
Twilight put her head in her hooves as her three remaining friends argued, then walked over to a nearby ledge that overlooked Shao Kahn's castle. "I know your game," she spoke into the wind, "but it's not going to work. We've been friends for too long, and have gone through too much. You can't split us up, no matter how hard you try." She swallowed hard as she turned away from the ledge, not completely sure she believed her own words.