//------------------------------// // The Gala // Story: No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// As usual for me, I wake up without opening my eyes. I guess you could say that my mind wakes up before my body does. At any rate, I'm aware of my surroundings and the seven other beings that I am sharing a car with, whom are still talking to each other. It doesn't sound like they are talking about the Gala anymore. I crack one eye open to see Twilight, Applejack, and Spike all having a subdued, casual conversation in a corner of the car, nothing out of the ordinary there. Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash are having a rather animated discussion about something or other, while Fluttershy simply looks on, content with being in the presence of her friends. I open my other eye and stretch my arms over my head to get them moving again. Unsurprisingly, the movement draws the attention of the other beings in the car. "Well, I guess somepony finally paid your ransom to the sandpony," Twilight teases. "Uh, sure, if you want to put it like that...but I really wouldn't," I respond groggily. "Well somepony sure made sure that you were really asleep," says Pinkie Pie. "You were snoring like crazy for a little bit there!" "I do not snore!" I say with as much indignity as I can muster in my still half-asleep condition. "Y'all sure 'bout that?" Applejack asks with a small grin. "Ah think Ah could have heard ya snorin' if Ah was still on the farm back in Ponyville!" I grumble a few retorts that I would really like to say out loud. "Anyway,” I say out loud, changing the topic, “how long was I asleep for?" "About two hours," says Rainbow Dash. "We'll be in Canterlot in three or so more," announces Twilight. I nod and reach down for my computer bag. I am both surprised and pleased that it is right where I left it; the ponies have not moved it as a prank during my slumber. The other seven go back to their conversations while I take out my laptop. Twilight was gracious enough to charge it for me before we left, so it has full battery capabilities. It will serve me well, Smithers, it will serve me well indeed. I open the videos folder, where I have my movies stored. It's strange, in the two months that I have been here I have not actually had as much time for watching movies as I would like. Well, a three-hour train ride should be ample opportunity to get my human culture fix. Lord knows I need a binge as soon and often as possible. I am looking over the half-dozen movies that I currently have for about ten minutes before I finally decide on Wolf Creek. Sue me, it's one of my guilty pleasures, okay? I hardly move at all during the course of the movie, as is often the case with me. My focus becomes unbreakable when I'm watching something. However, I must admit that the 'head on a stick' scene makes me squirm in my seat a little. I mean...gah, what a way to go, yeah? However, the second that Mick Taylor plays 'head on a stick' with Liz, I hear a frightened squeal behind me. I frown and pause the movie to see the source of the noise. Oh crap. Behind me are Spike, Applejack, and Twilight. Twilight's right foreleg is planted firmly over Spike's eyes, and both she and Applejack have looks of pure horror on their faces. Not good. "Uh... can I get anyone some brain bleach?" I ask sheepishly. Smooth, TD, real smooth. "What...what was that?" asks a horrified Twilight. "How long have you been watching?" "'bout two minutes," Applejack whispers. I breathe a sigh of relief at this – at least they didn't learn any new words, as far as I can tell. I watch all of my movies with subtitles on, so even with my headphones in... yeah. "What happened?" questions a slightly irritated Spike. "I wasn't even watching for two seconds before Twilight covered my eyes! What did he do?" The nastily mischievous side of my brain told me to explain to Spike just what 'head on a stick' is, but thankfully for everyone, I am not quite that cruel. I respond with a more diffusing statement instead. "You're too young to know." Spike groans and does his best to remove Twilight's hoof. "Not you too," he growls. I promptly 'X' out of the movie, which Twilight reacts to by removing her leg from Spike's face. She and Applejack are still horrified, though. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking," I mumble. “I should've known better. The two shake their heads, and I decide to go for music instead. I'd much rather have a movie to watch, since that passes the time faster for me, but with what just happened, I doubt that any of my other movies would do any better. I only have six of them, and they would all draw similar reactions from the ponies if they snuck a look. "Why'd you watch a movie like that, sugar cube?" Applejack asks with a sliver of her normal voice. "Ah can't see the appeal..." Phew, a question I can answer. "Well, in the case of that specific movie, it's the performance of the antagonist, but horror movies in general? I just like the suspense and being scared." "Why would you like being scared durin' a movie?" "Yeah, is fear really a healthy emotion to feel?" Twilight reinforces the doubt. I shrug. "It doesn't bother me." "Well, I guess we all have our different tastes," Twilight says very stiffly. "I personally prefer movies that either make me laugh or cry." "Laugh or cry, huh?" I say. Twilight nods vigorously. "Of course! I mean, you can't deny that funny movies can really brighten your day, and movies that make you cry... well, everypony cries at a movie every now and again. I'm sure even you do." A church choir begins singing, drawing a group of patrons from a local speakeasy towards them, led by a repentant wayward daughter. They all begin singing along too. The patrons enter the church and the daughter tearfully sees her father for the first time in years. They share a hug and the daughter tearfully says, "See, daddy, sinners have souls too." After a few seconds, I snap out of the daydream I fell into and smirk at her. "As if," I say. "I don't cry during movies." Twilight rolls her eyes and turns back to begin a new conversation with Applejack and Spike. She shoots me a suspicious glance before she starts talking, though. I decide to ignore it and start listening while playing solitaire. That should pass the time nicely. And, again, I find that the number of winnable hands in computer solitaire is pretty low: I'm 600 in the red by the time the train arrives in Canterlot at midnight or so, about an hour and a half later. The train pulls into the station and the eight of us begin unpacking for our trip to Canterlot Castle. I am, unsurprisingly, saddled one more time with the responsibility of carrying the contents of Rarity's house. I don't have to do for too long, however, as five taxi carriages sent by Celestia are waiting for us just outside of the train station. After we load all of the luggage onto one of them, the other four are filled with us; I myself take a cart with Rainbow Dash. The ride to Canterlot Castle is largely uneventful in our car, as Rainbow Dash, who didn't sleep on the train, uses the time to catch a quick nap... which leaves me sitting there, bored out of my mind. I try to use this time to think about my upcoming meeting with Celestia: from what I've been told, Celestia won't be doing any checkups on us, because, despite the fact that this is the biggest party of the year, she is still the ruler of all of Equestria and very busy. I, personally, find that a little irritating and more than a little unsettling. Could she be using that as an excuse to avoid me questioning her? Pretty much my whole time in this land has been building up to this confrontation between us, the time where she tells me whether she can send me back to Earth or not. If she can't send me home, if she tells me that I have to stay in Equestria for the rest of my life... I don't really know what I'll do. On the other hand, maybe she'll just tell me that she's working on it. I've only been here for a few months now, who says she's gotten an answer in that time? I sigh and put my head in my hands. Why does this have to be so complicated? We arrive some thirty minutes later, to a few servants who – I praise God for small miracles – apply for luggage duty. I don't let them take my bag, though. I don't trust these ponies to treat it delicately, and really, what is in it is pretty much the only reason I'm still sane. One of the plus sides of Canterlot Castle being so large is that I get my own room. And to be honest, what a room it is. I swear it's almost as large as the entire main floor of my parent's house. It's decorated in what I imagine is typical Celestia fare: the room is painted with very sky and sun centered colors, while the gigantic bed in the back of the room has a sky blue and yellow color scheme. It makes me nostalgic for the color scheme in my room on my parents' house, which reflects my favorite football team. The carpets are soft, which does feel rather nice on my feet, too, but... All in all, it's kind of overwhelming for me. I don't really see the point of all this; I'm just one dude. Still, I guess it is a castle. I should have expected it. I take a deep breath, place my faithful satchel on a nearby recliner and move over to the bed, taking off my shoes before I plop down on it. I sink into the sheets. Okay, the room is too much, but the bed I enjoy, a lot. This thing is even more comfortable than it looks. It isn't too long before I am out. * * * * I am awoken sometime later by a voice that I am going to guess is Pinkie Pie's. "TD...TD...it's time to wake up, TD." "Grfhmbrm," I respond thickly. Despite how tired I sound, Pinkie Pie does not let up. "Come on, TD, the early bird gets the worm!" "The second mouse gets the cheese..." "TD, it's time to wake up now! We've gotta get ready for the gala!" "Buzz off," I mumble. "I'm not awake yet." Pinkie Pie giggles at this perfectly reasonable statement. "Well that's silly! If you're not awake, then how are you talking to me right now? Ooh, are you a sleeptalker? Mr. and Mrs. Cake say that I'm a sleeptalker but I don't really know if they're right because I'm always asleep when I sleep talk, do your family members tell you that you sleeptalk or do you–" "Alright, alright, I'm awake!" I can only take her talking my ear off for so long, even if I am half asleep. I open my eyes and see Pinkie Pie standing above me with her usual gigantic smile. I would be unsettled by how close her face is to mine when I wake up but I'm used to it by now. It's Pinkie Pie. I push her off of my face and sit up, before glancing at my watch. I groan and rub my temples after seeing the hour. "Pinkie Pie, it's 6:30 in the morning. This is not a reasonable time to be awake." "But how can you sleep when we get to set up the Grand Galloping Gala today?! Aren't you excited?!" I plop back down on my pillow and turn my body away from the hyperactive pony, which only leads to me being poked in the back with a hoof that I don't have to see to determine its pink color. "What?" I growl. "I was also gonna say that all the others are awake too. We have to get started now if we're gonna have the Gala all ready to go when the guests arrive!" I sit back up. "Fine," I groan. "I'm up." Pinkie Pie's smile widens and she bounces off of my bed. "Okie dokie loki!" she says happily. "There's a dining room just down the hall and to the left. We're meeting there for breakfast in ten minutes." "Alright," I mumble. "I'll be there." Pinkie Pie bounces out of my room, satisfied. I really want to go back to bed at this point – remember, the mattress is crazy comfortable and it's 6:30 in the gosh darn morning. Nobody should have to be up this early, it's just not fair. However, I don't quite like the idea of having all seven of them coming in to wake me back up, so, with a great deal of effort, I break free of the amazingness that is this bed. I wish I had a little time to take a quick shower. Maybe I'll have some time before the gala. I take a brief moment to change my clothes before I open the ornate door that leads to the hallway. True to form, the hall is just as decorated as the rest of the castle, something that I didn't notice when I walked down them before, sleepy and in the dark. It only takes me a few minutes before I reach the dining room, and when I walk in, the others are already inside, chattering away quietly. I imagine they're all half asleep too, well, most of them. Pinkie Pie is as perky as ever. I plop down on a seat next to Applejack, who gives me a tired little nod of greeting, which I return. I look at the table, which is absolutely loaded with food, very little of which is safe for human consumption. I decide to go the safe route and grab a plate of eggs. It's a bit curious to think that ponies eat eggs, but when I remember that Pinkie Pie uses eggs all the time in her baking, I don't think anything of it. As I chew my eggs, Twilight clears her throat and the other seven of us turn our attention towards her. "Okay, everypony, dragon, and human," she begins. "I've drawn out the schedule for today so we can get this Gala going as quickly as ponily possible! The Gala starts at 7:30 tonight, so I'd like to get everything all ready at 6:00 if at all possible, to make sure we have some time in case something goes wrong." The other six at the table nod in agreement. "Okay, Applejack, the setup for you will be the same as when you catered my brother's wedding. You'll get as much space in the royal kitchens as you need and two dozen of Celestia's chefs and sous-chefs to help you with whatever you need." "Got it," says the farmer. "Fluttershy, most of the animals will be asleep for another hour and a half or so, so if you could help Rarity with the decor until then, that would be wonderful." Fluttershy nods and Twilight moves on. "Rarity, the Gala will take place primarily in the main hall and the royal ballroom, so those two areas are the priority. The entrance hall can use a touch up when you get the time, but those two areas must be done first." "Of course," the other unicorn agrees. "Pinkie Pie, you'll have a section of the main ballroom to set up your games and activities. That shouldn't take too long if you focus, so when you're done, you can go help Applejack with the baking." Pinkie Pie smiles and nods, and Twilight finally turns to me. "TD, you'll be primarily helping out Rarity wherever she needs you. I'll let you know if anypony else needs anything from you. If they do, I'll draft you to go help them out." I nod and she turns to Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, the Wonderbolts aren't going to arrive until 3:00, so you can't collaborate any moves for the guests until then. Help out where you're needed." RD nods, and Twilight drops her four-star general demeanor. "Okay, everypony, you can get started when you're done here. Celestia has all-purpose servants around that you can call upon whenever you need them. So, good luck and let's hope that this Gala really is the best night ever!" * * * * The next six hours are absolutely frantic, so much that, I swear, I begin to long for the times when I was Rarity's mannequin. When she is in the zone but still has to socialize with other beings to get her orders out, she can be downright unpleasant: she has absolutely no patience for anything that does not go her way, and there is no margin for error whatsoever. I mean, I almost got my head bitten off because I tried to tie banner 26A on pillar 43, when I should have tied banner 26A on pillar 34 and banner 26B on pillar 43! Who can work under these conditions?! When Twilight walks into the room to get me to help someone else, I almost feel the need to kiss her. Unfortunately for me, that doesn't happen until four hours of working with Rarity, so I'm pretty frazzled by the time I switch jobs. Thankfully, what I am switched to first – helping Applejack – is relatively straightforward. Since I am not quite top chef material, I get the job of organizing the food when Applejack and her sous-chefs finish baking the portions. You know, things like tally the amount of each item, put them on their proper trays, and best of all, I would also taste test a few items here and there to make sure they came out right. Naturally, the ones with hay they have to check out themselves. Overall, the first half of my day is spent switching off between helping Applejack and Rarity with their respective jobs, nothing too stressful when I get everything right. However, when Twilight walks into the ballroom, where Rarity is deciding if she should put blue ribbons on pillar 11C or red with sparkles, I still find myself absolutely exhausted. "Wow, the ballroom looks absolutely amazing!" says Twilight. Rarity sighs at the interruption but she smiles at her friend all the same. "Why thank you, darling," she says amiably. "I've managed to get quite a bit done thanks to the help of this gentlehuman here." I half expect her to mumble something about 'when he's not messing up my beautiful plans with his ineptitude', but Rarity avoids making snide remarks like that. Twilight flashes me a smile before turning back to Rarity. "Well, work is good, but it's 1:00 right now. The rest of us are going for lunch. You guys up for that?" I realize my stomach is complaining about how empty it is at the thought of food, and nod like a disturbed bobblehead. Rarity herself sighs and uses her magic to put a decoration back in its proper box. "I do admit that I'm rather famished myself. Very well then, I suppose I can take a break." "Great! We'll meet back here in an hour for a status check. I'm afraid that we'll have to go out on the town to eat, though, since the kitchens are being used for the Gala..." "I have money," I say. "Are the restaurants around here relatively reasonable, compared to Ponyville?" Twilight nods and points out of a nearby window. "About a block that way is a restaurant called The Sweet Elite. I think they have some stuff that you might like." "Cool." With that, I am finally out of the ballroom. I pop by my room briefly to collect my bag of bits before I hit the town. As I am walking out of the castle, I try and get a rough estimate of how much money I have. Hm, 200 or so should be plenty for lunch. As I walk down the crowded streets of Canterlot, I notice that I am getting those irritating stares again... only this time, I'm getting it from snobbish, rich ponies. I swear, if I shot a bullet above their heads I'd hit a nose. But the staring has ceased to bother me by this point. I will hopefully be back on Earth later today, so what's the point of getting worked up about it? I follow Twilight's directions pretty well and arrive at the restaurant that she has directed me to. I don't have too much trouble getting seated, as the place isn't very busy. I don't get too many stares here either, so that's good. I love it when ponies mind their own business like these are doing. As I sit at the table, I open up the menu that a waiter has put in front of me and scan it. I don't expect them to have anything meat-based, but if Twilight told me that I'm gonna find something that I'd want to eat here, then I'm inclined to believe her. And indeed, before too long, a unicorn waiter sporting a nifty mustache comes up to me and takes my order of eggs and water. The food arrives fairly quickly: in twenty minutes, I've already fed myself, paid the bill and left. I feel surprisingly full as I exit the place, and with another half-hour to spare before going back to the castle to boot. Well, Canterlot is a big place, so I imagine I can find some interesting shops or something to peruse while I wait. Surely there has to be something. With that in mind, I walk down the sidewalk a few blocks, always making sure to keep the castle in sight so as to not lose my way, and glance at the shops I pass along the way. Nothing is really catching my interest as far as trinkets go, but it is still kind of entertaining to pony-watch as I go along. My amusement is cut short when I hear a pony nearby call out to me. "You, alien being!" says the voice. Figuring that whoever she is can only be talking to me, I turn to the source to see a middle-aged teal unicorn mare with an eye for a cutie mark beckoning me close. I cock my head slightly at the sight of her and she gives a frustrated groan. "Yes, you," she hisses. "Come here!" Seeing as how when someone in a large city beckons you, it usually means that they're either trying to get your wallet or your kidney, I would normally just walk away. But this is Equestria, and Twilight has repeatedly told me that crime is next to none with Celestia ruling, so I walk over to her, albeit a tad cautiously. "Yeah, what's up?" "You will have a life changing experience soon," she says gravely. I raise my eyebrow slightly. "Uh, yeah, you're a bit late on that prediction. I'm already having one, being on an alien world an all." "Then you'll have another one!" she snaps. "You will take an important journey!" "Uh-huh," I respond flatly. "And how do you know that?" "I don't know. Doesn't everypony take an important journey at some point? I didn't exactly say when you would have one." "Ah, you're playing the odds with your predictions," I say with a sly grin. “Smooth.” The unicorn smirks and points to a nearby shop. "I was really just trying to sound mystical to get you in my shop there. You know, ponies tend to respond positively to the unknown." "Well, who can argue with that logic?" I quip. "What are you selling?" The unicorn smiles and waves me in, and I sigh and follow her inside. The interior of the shop is pretty simplistic, actually – so simple, there is nothing in there. It's just a plain white room with a door in the back wall. "I must say, you have quite the selection," I snark. The unicorn rolls her eyes and begins walking towards the door. "Stay here," she says. "I think I have something you'll like." I decide to humor her for the moment. If she brings out something absolutely ridiculous I can just say 'no thank you' and be on my way. If she tries something funny... well, she's a unicorn, so I imagine she has some magical skill, but I think I can take her out of I go for the horn. Either way, the subject of who would win in a fight between a human and a unicorn should be solved after this if things go that way. The mare comes back after a few minutes with what seems to be a stick about half her size resting on her back. Ooh, yeah, a stick does sound pretty cool. The unicorn seems rather pleased with it as she presents it to me, though. "A stick," I observe. "How wonderful." She glares at me but doesn't snark back. "It's not just a stick," she corrects me. "It's a walking stick." "Ah, my mistake. And why would I need a walking stick?" "As a reminder," she says simply. "Of what?" "Major events.” "Can you just stop being cryptic and explain?" The unicorn ignores my perfectly reasonable request and instead fires up her horn, which has me taking an uneasy step back. Her horn begins glowing brighter and brighter, focusing on the stick, and in a few seconds, the crude excuse for a staff is enveloped in a bright blue glow. I have to admit that, when it's not being used on me, demonstrations of unique unicorn magic are pretty cool. We don't have anything like it at home, so seeing something like this is darn sweet. After a few moments, her horn's glow dulls and the walking stick falls to the floor. To my surprise, though, it has changed considerably: instead of being fit for a pony, it has grown to something that a human can use. Not only that, but there seem to be drawings of some sort dotting the upper half of it. I pick it up and examine them closely. "What are these?" I ask. The unicorn smiles and begins examining the drawings in the wood herself. "I chiseled some of your significant memories onto this walking stick. It's something that unicorns back in the day used to do as a reminder of important times in their lives. Since you're not from here, I stuck to memories of Equestria, so you'll have something to remember this place by if you ever go back to your homeland. I–" Suddenly, she stops dead in the middle of her sentence, gazing in bewilderment at the uppermost carving. "Is this a carving of you attacking Princess Celestia?" I lean in close and, sure enough, the carving portrays just that. "I guess it is," I say. “Not just attacking, I'm giving her the fist lollipop.” "Did you really do that?" she asks in awe. "Sure, I've messed up on a few of these before, I have to admit, but..." "It was pretty much the first thing I did when I got here," I declare, feeling a bit proud of myself. The unicorn gives me a look of utter disbelief, but she shakes her head without answering. She looks over the other carvings. "Anyway," she says. "I've also enchanted it to make it next to impossible to break. Besides that, when a new event pops up it'll appear on the stick." Unicorn magic; who'da thunk it could do stuff like that? "How much?" I ask. No way am I not taking this home with me! "Ten bits," she declares. I nod and hand her the proper amount. "If I find this thing is defective, I'll come down here and bop you over the head with it myself," I threaten her half-seriously. The pony smirks again. "If it's defective, I'll let you," she announces cockily. I give her a friendly amused scoff and walk out the door with my purchase. The sun hits the face of my watch, and I discover I have exactly five minutes to get back to the castle before Rarity begins beating me over the head with the walking stick I've purchased from a random magician mare. I rush to get back to the castle in time. I'm just glad I actually manage to get back in time. I even have a few seconds to drop the stick off in my room before heading back to the ballroom. When I arrive, the mane six and Spike are already there waiting for me; Twilight promptly smiles and levitates a list in front of her. "Okay, now that we're all here, let's get the mid-setup meeting started." She glances at a nearby clock and checks it against my watch before turning back to the group. "It is now 2:04 on the dot. That means we only have three hours and fifty-six minutes if we're going to be done by six, which means that we have to work really hard at this if we're going to be done in time. Now, how are you all doing?" "Oh, I'm definitely going to need until six at the very least to finish my preparations," says Rarity. "I only just finished the main hall before you arrived." "Yeah, same here," agrees Applejack. "We got a lotta stuff to get cooked before all them hungry ponies arrive." "Well, I'm all set," says Pinkie Pie with her usual grin. "I can help out Applejack in the kitchen if she needs me!" "Um, the birds and I need another rehearsal or two,” mutters Fluttershy, “but when we're done I think I can help Rarity with the decorations." "I'll see what I can do before the Wonderbolts get here," an unusually serious Rainbow Dash contributes to the discussion, “but when they're here, I'll have my hooves full. If everything goes well, we should be done a bit before six, but I can't promise anything.” Twilight gives a satisfied nod at the information and jots down a few more notes. "Good. Well, everypony, I think we can make this work if we give it one final push over the next three or four hours. Once we're done we'll meet up at Doughnut Joe's for a snack before we get ready ourselves!" The other five cheered. We split up to start that final push. * * * * I fasten the final button on my brand new tuxedo just as Twilight walks into my room. "Ready to go?" she asks with a smile. "The others are already on their way to Doughnut Joe's." "I'm just finished." "You look very nice," she compliments. "... thanks," I say. "You don't look bad yourself." Twilight looks over her own Gala dress fondly and poses a bit. "Thanks. It's my Gala dress from last time. Rarity repaired it after we got back. I figured that it would be easiest just to keep the same one for this year. I mean, why only wear a dress like this once?" she asks with a twirl. I agree with her, it's too nice for it to be a single-use. "Makes sense to me," I say. "Alright, ready when you are, doc." Twilight leads me out of the castle and through the streets, to where the other six are indeed waiting. We sit down at the large table that they're all occupying and a stallion promptly puts a large plate of delectable doughnuts, as well as several mugs of hot chocolate, in front of us. They don't take longer than a polite 'thanks' before we're digging in. "These don't have any hay in them, do they?" I ask, grabbing a doughnut with icing and sprinkles both made of chocolate that have been shoved onto one side of the treat. Twilight shakes her head, and I take a very careful bite. The rich chocolate-y taste of the frosting, combined with the softness of the doughnut itself is, needless to say, freaking delicious. I gobble up the whole thing quickly. The others seem to be enjoying their shares as well, and Pinkie and Rainbow are even trying to see who can eat the most, much to Rarity's chagrin. I grab a second one, but this time, I take the time to savor just how good this stuff is. The evening continues on like that, with all of us making small talk to each other about how our days went. From what I can gather, everyone had relatively smooth sailing when it came to whatever they had to do for the Gala; Rainbow Dash in particular seems to have enjoyed getting to work with the Wonderbolts, given how she talked about how she gushed practically nonstop. Within an hour or so, the plate is empty and the mugs can be turned upside down without a drop falling off them. I glance at my watch. Oh, 7:22. Time for us to go. I alert Twilight of the time and while she quickly tosses ten bits on the table, we all stand up to go. Twilight and her gang are chattering excitedly about the prospect of getting to not only go to the Gala again, but to one they have planned and prepared themselves. I've heard the stories about last year... they weren't pleasant. I can see why they don't want to relive them. I admit, I'm rather looking forward to this as well, not only because I get to see if Celestia can send me home. Based on what the six have been up to, it looks like it'll be a legitimately good party, and having had a hand in in, I'm eager to see the results. Hopefully, it'll go better than the last one. Within a few minutes of walking, we find ourselves in a large crowd of elegantly dressed ponies who are themselves going to the Gala. To my surprise, not all of them look like Canterlot elite; some of them seem to be more middle class, and I even recognize some ponies from Ponyville in the crowd too. I guess Celestia tried to make it less of a snobbish event this year. We'll see how that goes. As we walk up towards the entrance, I hear music. It wouldn't surprise me if it was coming from the castle... which it isn't. I turn towards the crew I'm accompanying, and see that they all have gigantic grins on their faces. Pinkie Pie looks like she's about to burst into song, something I've noticed she does quite often. In fact...they all do... What? The music grows louder and Twilight begins talking. "I can't believe we're at the Gala again!" "It'll sure be somethin' special this time," agrees Applejack. "I can feel it." "We've learned from our mistakes," says Rarity. "We'll capitalize on tonight's wonders!" "Tonight, we're gonna PAAARRRTAY!" shouts Pinkie Pie. And suddenly: singing. "At the Gala," sings Twilight. "At the Gala," echoes Rarity. Fluttershy butts in. "At the Gala, they will sing, all my animal friends. All the birdies, and the critters, tonight we will make amends. They will sing, for the ponies, all their wonderful songs. We will make wonderful music, right here at the Gala!". Immediately the other guests in line begin marching towards the castle in rhythm with the music that is coming from... somewhere. "This Grand Gala will not be a total disaster, like the last Gala, like that Gala," they sing. "Okay, what's going on here?" I remain completely ignored. Applejack starts her own verse. "At this Gala, ponies will eat them, all the Apple family treats. Their fancy taste buds, will not withstand them, all my apple-based sweets. They will fall in love with apples, right here at the Gala!" "Oh joy, oh joy, its nearly time for us at the Grand Gala. At the Gala." At this point a few of the guests have started a basic dance routine. I feel like I'm watching a practiced routine. "Seriously, guys, did I miss a rehearsal or something?" As Rarity starts her verse, I feel I might as well be talking to a wall. "At this Gala, I will meet them, some perfectly nice ponies. I'll make dresses, for new clients, that I will meet at the Grand Gala. And the best part, is that I'll ignore him, my dumb faux-Prince Charming. I won't see any of Blueblood, right here at the Gala!" "Ignoring Prince Blueblood sounds like the best thing ever, at the Gala, at the Gala." "You know what? I'm not even going to ask," I grumble. "If you're not going to–" I am cut off by Rainbow Dash. "I've been waiting, I've been dying, to fly with those awesome ponies, The Wonderbolts will see how truly great I am. I'll fly with them and we'll wow the crowd just like we will when I finally join them I get to fly with the Wonderbolts, right here at the Gala!" "Flying with the Wonderbolts, oh joy that sounds just awesome, at the Gala, at the Gala." At this point, I'm quiet, just waiting for the song to be over. I can stand Pinkie's songs every once in a while, but this... I don't know what to make of this. The rest of the guests begin a marching line behind Pinkie Pie as she begins her verse. "I have organized the Gala, it will be my best party. That's saying a lot coming from a pony like Pinkie. for parties are too awesome, to not be shared by one and all. Many ponies will be smiling, right here at the Gala!" sings Pinkie Pie. "Smiling ponies does sound fun, right here at the Gala, at the Gala." 'Okay, TD, you just have to get through Twilight's verse and then we can forget that this bizarre occurrence ever happened', I thought to myself. "At the Gala, nothing can go wrong, I've planned details big and small. Princess Celestia, will be proud of me, she will see all my hard work I will pull off a big job, right here at the Gala!" sings Twilight. "We're sure you've done an adequate job, right here at the Gala, at the Gala." I am relieved that all of the verses are done so we can finally wrap up this song. Oh, alright, everyone has already stopped singing. Well, that's fine with me. I'm not sure why they burst out into song in the...in the... Why in the name of Earth is everyone staring at me? A look around the crowd, and literally everyone going to the Gala has their eyes fixed on me. What's more baffling is the multitude of utterly confused looks in their faces. I glance over at Twilight; for some reason, she looks just as confused as the rest of them. I stare back at her, and it spreads over to me, too. "Well?" she says finally. "Well what?" "It's your turn, sugar cube," says Applejack. "My turn for what...my turn to sing a verse?" "Well yeah," says Fluttershy like it should be obvious. "We all did one, now it's your turn." "My turn?" I say incredulously. "What do you mean my turn?!" "Well, we all went, so it's your turn," says Twilight. "I don't get where you're confused." I sustain my look of utter bewilderment, but the crowd is beginning to whisper amongst themselves. I give myself a frustrated sigh and wrack my brains for something to mollify these insanely musical beings. "Uh, okay," I say. I clear my throat. “Here goes.” "Uh, At the Gala, I will confront her, your celestial goddess. I will ask her, to send me home, so I can play on my...old NES? Or just maybe, I'll just get drunk, that sounds really fine too. At least something will get done...uh, right here at the Gala." Immediately the entire group starts their song back up again with as much energy, if not even more. "Sending trans-dimensional beings home is what we do at the Gala, at the Gala." Everyone is now marching towards the castle like a military platoon... one that is from a Rogers and Hammerstein musical. Naturally, I don't keep the cadence. "Into the Gala we must go, we're ready now we're all aglow. Into the Gala lets go in and have the best night ever Into the Gala, now it’s time we're ready and we look divine!" "My birds will sing." "My food they'll eat." "I'll avoid Blueblood" "I'll bounce and laugh. "I'll fly real fast." "I've planned it all." More silence. I groan. "I'll smack a wall!" "Right here at the Gala, at the Gala!" And with that, the music from absolutely nowhere comes to an end and the ponies begin filing into the castle. The pony crew is in line beside me, seemingly oblivious as to how weird that occurrence was. "Uh, Twilight..." I blurt out. "What just happened?" Twilight looks at me and frowns. "What do you mean?" “That song and dance number... what the heck was that?" Twilight's frown turns upside-down. She chuckles. "The Creator absolutely loved song," she lectures, "so when she created Equestria, she made it so that anyone who ever lived here had the magic of music inside of them. Whenever emotions are at their highest, those who are here join in a big musical number." I stare at her with eyebrow-quirking disbelief. I thought singing like that was just a Pinkie Pie thing. "So...your creator made it so that anyone born in Equestria randomly bursts into song?" "I didn't say 'born in Equestria', I said 'lived in Equestria'," she explains. I scowl at the discrepancy until I get what she's saying. My eyes widen and I back a foot away from her. "Oh no, I'm not breaking out into some silly song and dance routine!" "Well, ya sure did a decent job with your verse!" says Applejack. "Where do you think those words came from, sugar cube?" "Not the magic of music inside of me, that's for sure," I deadpan. She simply shrugs. "If you say so...” I grumble to myself how, if I ever break out into song without being strong-armed into it, I'll re-invent Life Boy soap just to wash my mouth out with. Hmm, well, maybe if I could get a good villain's song it would be okay... As the line of ponies waiting to get in gets steadily smaller, the others become steadily more excited. Based on what they're saying, we don't have to do anything by this point – Celestia's 'student athletes' will take care of everything. Good, I don't want to be stuck serving drinks to snobby ponies. Thanks to the long line, it takes about fifteen minutes before we are actually inside the Gala itself. Ha, we don't have to show tickets or anything! We set up the darned thing! However, I am horrified to see that even when we're inside the castle, there is still a line to get in or something. I mean...wait...no, there's a line to... To see Princess Celestia. A grin forms on my face at the sight of the sun goddess of Equestria. "Sorry about the long line, TD," Twilight mutters. “I should have warned you...” "It's quite alright," I say with a wave of my hand. She's here. She's here and if I wait in line long enough, she'll have to talk to me at least for a moment, at least so we can set up a real meeting. I don't care at all if I have to wait a bit more, I've been waiting for weeks already. Standing next to her is a slightly smaller alicorn pony, only this one is bluish and her hair looks like the night sky. Based on what Twilight has told me of the royal sisters, I can only assume this is Princess Luna. She seems like an alright sort... or at the very least, she seems far less pretentious than Celestia does. I might actually like her if what Twilight has told me about her is true. We have to wait for another ten minutes before it is our turn to see Celestia, but I feel it is well worth the wait. She smiles warmly at us when we walk up and Luna sends a small smile Twilight's way. "It's so wonderful to see you all," Celestia says happily. "You all did a spectacular job with everything. I'm so proud of you." Twilight positively glows at the compliments from Celestia. In turn, I roll my eyes. "Indeed, the decorations and the food seem most delightful," agrees Luna. "If Our sister has any more of dear Applejack's apple fritters, she will have to go on a diet to keep The Royal Plot in a shapely form." Yep, I like Luna already. Anyone who causes Celestia to look even a tad uncomfortable is alright in my book. Celestia recovers from the embarrassment after a mere moment and turns her attention to me. "Yes, well, I hope you enjoy yourselves. You too, TD: I know how much you helped out with the setup as well. For that, my sister and I are most grateful." "I'll bet you are," I say, walking closer to her as soon as she speaks her last syllable, "but I think we both know the main reason I'm here, Celestia.” The glares I get from not using the P-word could burn into my back if they were energy beams, but they don't, so I press on. “You and I need to have a good talk later about getting me back to Earth." As I mention Earth, I tap the tip of her horn to drive my point home. Celestia's eyebrows knit slightly. On the third tap, she sends a slight bolt of static electricity through her horn, shocking me a bit, just enough for a quick retreat of my finger. I hear the mane six gasp behind me and I see that Luna looks quite livid at my display. I look at her confusedly. "Did he just... hit second base with the Princess?" I hear Rarity whisper. ...oh. I understand why Celestia looks a tad uncomfortable and Luna is so angry now. "How dare thee," growls Luna. "How dare thou violate Our sister's personal space in such a manner!" "Luna, it's fine," Celestia pacifies the scene. "He didn't know." Luna does not seem pacified by Celestia's words and she continues staring daggers at me. "How doth thou consider this 'fine', dear sister? If thy words are correct, then this is also the creature that assaulted you upon entry into our world!" "Yeah, on that note... sorry for... uh, doing what I just did," I stutter, searching for the words my astonishment has buried six feet under. I am just as uncomfortable about the whole thing as they are, but I'm doing my best to show a little remorse. "Sorry shall not be sufficient in this most heinous of offenses!" insists Luna. "We–" "Luna, that's enough," says Celestia with a tone that imagine that she doesn't like taking with her sister, but is the only tone that will prevent a trip to Hotel Moon, based on Luna's expression. "He apologized already, and I know that he did not know better. He meant no offense." "Very well," Luna grumbles, unsatisfied. "Well, cool. Now that that's settled, you and I still need to have a talk, Celestia." Celestia sighs and nods. "I agree. If you wish you can stay another day so we can get our business settled." "I was thinking tonight, actually," I retort. "I want to get this settled as soon as possible." An expression of unease crosses Celestia's face. She hides it after a moment, which doesn't make me any less disturbed. "Very well, if you insist." "In my standing, wouldn't you?" I ask with more sincerity than I thought I could have in me. Celestia doesn't respond for a moment. Instead, she looks behind me. "There are many more guests for me to greet tonight," she declares with finality. "We shall meet when I can." Good enough for me. With a nod from me, we organizers walk past the sisters into the ballroom, and immediately the other seven forget my intentional faux-pas. Their eyes are filled with wonder and joy at seeing the ponies at the Gala, enjoying themselves and appreciating all the preparations we made. I imagine I'm not going to get much interaction out of them right now, so I excuse myself to the bar we set up earlier. The drinks are pretty lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but it's something at least. As I walk to the counter, I reflect on how the drinking age back home is 21, which means I can't drink if they have the same rules, me being only 20 and all. Having said that, I'm half-Canadian, and the drinking age there is 18 if I recall. I grin slightly as I sit down on a stool in front of the bar. Time to emulate the rules of the Provinces. The bartender, an earth pony, looks at me with a relatively blank face as I order hard cider, made by the Apple family. With that, I begin my slow descent into intoxication. A tipsy TD is an interesting TD, and if I'm going to have to socialize with high-class snobs for a few hours before I see Celestia, I want to be more relaxed. As I sip my cider, I pony-watch the crowd to pass the time. The rich snobs are hanging out with each other, while the more common ponies are doing pretty much the same. If Celestia expanded the Gala's invitation range to encourage interaction between the classes, welp, I can sure say it didn't work at all. Figures that the snobs would see themselves as too good for the 'lower classes'. I am not watching for more than a few minutes before I hear an unfamiliar voice from behind me. "Hey there." I turn around to see a lavender pegasus with blonde hair, one I've seen around Ponyville a few times. "'sup, " I respond. The pegasus grins at me and extends her hoof. "I'm Cloud Kicker. I've seen you around Ponyville a few times, but never actually had the chance to say hi to you." "TD," I respond while shaking her hoof. "Cool," she says. I raise my mug at her and move to take another gulp of cider. Big mistake, TD. Big mistake. "Now that we've gotten to know each other,” she says matter-of-factly, “we should bang." I almost choke to death on my cider right then and there – as it is I just barely avoid doing a perfect spit-take right in her face. “Upbrrrfhbwha?!" "You know, bang," she repeats impatiently. "We go in whatever room you're staying in right now – or mine, I don't care –, I take off this ridiculous dress and you'll get out of that dashing tux, we both plop onto the bed and–" "Okay, Cloud Kicker, enough with embarrassing the human!" says a watermelon-haired pony that has just walked up. Boy she looks peeved. Cloud Kicker turns to the new arrival with that same gigantic grin on her face. "Oh, hey there, Blossomforth! The human and I were just about to go up to his room. Wanna join?" "Y-you're not gonna m-m-mate with him!" is the angry response. "Even if you were, look at him! He looks like he's about to die of embarrassment and shock right now! Do I? I think I do... Cloud Kicker clicks her tongue in dismissal, but she does hop off the stool. She walks over to Blossomforth. "Yeah, well, I guess I can let him think about it for a moment," she says before turning back to me. "I'll see you later, okay, stud?" She winks at me and the duo walks off, with Blossomforth chewing out her friend. I can only watch the two of them disappear into the crowd of ponies, still trying to process what the heck just went on here. The bartender has watched the whole thing: the guy is laughing so hard he is having trouble standing. I glare at him after I turn to face the counter. "Shut up and get me another cider." * * * * You know, after three ciders, pony-watching gets kind of boring. It's not like they're actually doing anything interesting, they're just standing around and talking for the most part. I can't even really get tipsy because of how little alcohol this stuff has in it. However, my night may just get a little more interesting. One of the ponies in the crowd, an all white stallion who I can only imagine is really high society because his nose his higher in the air than the others, notices me watching the guests and begins walking over to me. If I recall Twilight's explanation well enough, his name is Blueblood, and he's a prince. Great, more royalty to deal with. "You there, peasant!” he calls. Jeez, he sounds even snootier than he looks. “Why are you staring at me in such a manner?" "I'm just crowd-watching," I respond. "No offense intended." Blueblood raises an eyebrow before coming over to stand next to me. "You are the human that Auntie Tia brought into this world, aren't you?" "Do you know of any other humans in Equestria?" is my dry-witted reply. Blueblood harrumphs and looks me over. "I must say, your species looks rather odd. Your legs surely don't need to be the size of your upper half, now do they?" His voice alone is annoying me to no end. I remember Rarity's story from last year's Gala; he shouldn't get much better than this. "Careful there, Bluey... If you want to make cracks about appearances, I can point out how your horn is much smaller than those of many other unicorn stallions I've seen." Blueblood's eyes widen and he tries to sputter out a response. The bartender behind me resumes his silent laughter. The paper prince does eventually give up on a retort and just glares at me. "My horn is perfectly natural, thank you very much. As a matter of fact, I do not see the truth of your statement, which means that my assessment of your person was more correct. I believe I win this battle of quips.” To my complete amusement, Blueblood raises his hoof. “You may kiss the royal hoof." Ha. No dice, cupcake. "Why, Bluey, I didn't know you swung that way! Is this what you consider foreplay?" Blueblood puts down his hoof with a look of utter shock and outrage across his face. The bartender lets out an audible giggle. "Why...I...buh...you...how dare you!" he sputters. "I am royalty and I expect to be addressed with the respect I deserve!" I roll my eyes and place six bits on the counter. "I am giving you the respect you deserve," I insist. "In fact, I think I’m being generous." Blueblood's eyes narrow and he opens his mouth to begin speaking once more, but I decide to walk away. As mildly amusing as this was, he's not worth it in the end. I decide to see what the ponies are doing in the ballroom, seeing as how Pinkie Pie set up a corner for games and such. Who knows? Maybe 'pin the tail on the pony' is more fun than it sounds. In the ballroom, a four-pony orchestra plays a slow waltz tune while and a bunch of ponies in the middle of the dance floor do a very boringly refined dance. It's just the kind of thing I can imagine nobles doing. The more common ponies are looking at the scene with boredom or distaste, but they're keeping the peace. I sigh when I see that Pinkie's station is packed with ponies playing the games she set up. No nobles among them, I'll wager. The song ends. The ponies stomp the floor semi-quietly in applause, and a few of the dancers bow to their partners. I golf clap along with them, making plans to leave the ballroom and go back to the bar. However, within a few seconds, I don't find myself in a position to do that any longer. As I turn to my left to leave, I see a most amusing sight: an absolutely livid Blueblood is standing next to Celestia and Luna, pointing in my direction. Celestia looks exasperated, while Luna looks like she's about to begin laughing. The crowd looks to the source of the noise too. "And he accused me of instigating foreplay with him when I insisted that he kiss the royal hoof!" complains Blueblood. "I demand that he be arrested and sent to the moon at once!" "Blueblood, that's enough," says Celestia. "We're not sending him to the moon for something like that." "The sun then, if the moon is not adequate!" I can't help but chuckle a little bit. Celestia is clearly using all of her willpower to stop herself from facehoofing right then and there. However, Luna's amused expression has shifted to one of slight anger at the mere idea that the moon might not be adequate for anything. "We're not sending him to the sun either," she says as the three stop in front of me. "I'm sure he's sorry for what he said." I respond with a shrug and a "not really". "See, see!" shouts Blueblood, pointing a hoof at me. "He's a ghastly being who must be arrested at once!" I sigh and rub my temples. Remember, TD, this guy is more trouble than he's worth. “Fine, fine. I apologize for offending you." Blueblood scoffs but nods all the same. "Very well, then. You may kiss the royal hoof now." That does it: both Celestia and Luna slap him in the back of the head. A wide grin cracks my face. Some ponies just don’t learn. "Why Bluey, I didn't know you swung that way. Is this what you–" "TD, we get the point," groans Celestia. Fair enough, I suppose. Blueblood looks like he's about to have a stroke right then and there, his face red with anger. I can tell that the three cogs in his head are trying to formulate a proper response. "Sorry," I say without an inkling of honesty while keeping my grin up. Celestia sighs and shakes her head before turning to the crowd. "I'm sorry to be disruptive," she announces to the public. "TD and Prince Blueblood merely had a misunderstanding. Please, continue with your merriment." The cellist of the band, a gray earth pony who is wearing a bow tie for some reason, clears her throat. "Actually, your highness, we were just about to take the planned ten minute respite, if that is alright with you." Celestia gives her a warm smile and a nod. "That is perfectly okay with me," she says, and much to my surprise, she turns to me. "TD, I know that you have your music here on your… what did you call it, computer? Are there any songs there that form the basis of any traditional dances from your world?" I am about to shake my head when a thought strikes me. A wonderfully evil thought, my favorite kind. I smile and nod. "Yes, actually," I say. Celestia widens her smile and uses her magic to transport my computer onto a nearby table. "Very well, do show us," she says. I nod and pull up the music folder. Thankfully, there is enough battery life so that it won't die in the middle of the performance. When I find the song in question, my smile widens and I turn back to Celestia. "For this dance, I will need only a chair and Prince Blueblood." The crowd raises their eyebrows and Blueblood looks at me with the same look of anger as ever. "Absolutely not!" he says. "I will not–" "Oh give it a rest, Blueblood," says Celestia. I can tell she’s suppressing a groan. "He's not going to hurt you … right?" she asks me with a tilted head and a mildly suspicious look. I shake my head no, and Celestia uses her wing to push the stallion forward. "Be a good sport." He grumbles a bit, but he does eventually sit down on the chair that is provided for him. I turn around and fire up the song in question. I can hardly contain my grin as the music begins. I clap along to the music, and to my utter delight, the ponies in the crowd stomp their hooves along as well. Blueblood is a nervous wreck when I begin my dance. Any human would recognize it as the dance Mr. Blonde did in Reservoir Dogs with the cop, but everyone here is totally oblivious. "Well I don't know why I came here tonight, I got the feelin' that somethin' ain't right." I sing as I move back and forth to the rhythm of the song. Blueblood seems to be relaxing a bit, unsure of how the song concerns him. I smile as the penultimate lyrics come up and when they do, I begin miming slicing his ear off with a razor blade. Is that too mean spirited? Maybe, but this dude is seriously annoying. Besides, it's not like I'm actually doing it. I'm also exaggerating the movements so they look more dance-like than actual actions so that should throw them off too. The ponies in the crowd are swaying along to the music as sing the lyrics out loud, miming on Blueblood the torture that Mr. Blonde put the cop through during the movie. His look of confusion grows as I get the imaginary gasoline from the trunk of my fictional car and then pour it all over him. He seems a bit uncomfortable when I do so, but as long as he doesn't pick up on what I'm actually mimicking, then I'm okay. I walk five paces away from him as the song comes to a close and light my nonexistent Zippo. The back of my mind tells me that I'm being a little too mean, but hey, it isn't actually hurting him, right? The song ends and I pretend to drop the lighter in the make-believe puddle of gasoline leading up to Blueblood. I don't actually imagine him writhing in pain as fire consumes him – that’s way beyond the line, even for him – but the dance is fun nonetheless. I receive uproarious hoof stomping, even from Celestia and Luna. I take it the ponies in the crowd enjoyed the show, but I wonder if Celestia is clapping because she knows what I was miming. I doubt it, but it's fun to think about all the same. However, there is one pony that hasn’t appreciated the dance as much, and he wastes no time in letting me know. "You are a disgrace!" Blueblood whines. "You joke about me instigating foreplay, but then you turn around and come on to me with that suggestive dance!" I groan and facepalm. "That was ‘Reservoir Dogs’, Bluey, not a seductive dance. Besides, I like human women, not pony stallions." "You cannot fool me!" he insists. "I–" "We demand that thou grant Us the favor of shutting thy royal lips at once!" Luna interrupts. "Your whining is causing Us much annoyance!" Blueblood opens his mouth to retort, but decides that he has better things to do than mouth off to the goddess of the night. Instead, he opts for stomping away in a huff. Luna looks like she’s going to go after him, but Celestia shakes her head and Luna nods. Those two have an impressive bond, let me tell you. At that moment, one of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire, I think, walks up on the stage and taps the microphone. "Attention, everypony. The performance of the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash is about to begin. If you would all please follow me out onto the grounds, we may begin at once." The ponies in the crowd murmur excitedly amongst themselves as they begin filing out of the ballroom. Now's my chance. I quickly walk up to Celestia. "I don’t think we’ll have a better chance than this." Celestia sighs and turns to me. "I suppose so," she whispers. "Thank you," I say with a nod. Celestia beckons me to follow, and I exit the ballroom behind her. The walk to wherever she is leading me is silent; that probably has a lot to do with the fact that the castle is watching the aerial performance, but it could also be the nervousness that both of us are bearing. I'm already nervous because this is where she tells me whether I can go back or not, but her being unsettled by the idea of this meeting makes it much worse. Wouldn't she be happy if she could just send me home right away? Or, maybe she's nervous because the magic involved is really complicated or something? Yeah...that's it, I'm sure of it. If she can bring me here she can send me home… right? Within five minutes, the two of us reach a large door that I can only guess leads to her quarters, and my suspicions are confirmed when she opens the door to reveal a titanic bedroom. Seriously, I know she's the big cheese of the land and all, but who needs a bed bigger than three hummers side by side?! I shake my head and ignore my surroundings. They're not important. Celestia uses her magic to shut and lock the door behind me. She turns to face me for what I hope will be our final confrontation. "So," I begin. "So," she parrots. "We're here at last." Celestia nods and moves over to a large desk. "I imagine you have a lot of questions for me," she says as she uses her magic to pull up a stack of papers. "Just one." My insides feel like ice right now. "Can you send me home now?" Celestia keeps silent for a moment as she scans the papers in front of her. She puts them back down on the desk. "TD, before I answer that question, I must admit to you that there is more to you coming here than I originally admitted to you and Twilight." "I figured. Me coming here like you said is a bit too random, don't you think?" I don’t ask so much as I make a statement. The Princess nods. "Your coming here was still partially random, but not to the extent I led you to believe. I told you that the energy I conjured randomly pulled you into this world… but I'm afraid that is, for the most part, a fabrication." "How so?" I ask suspiciously. Celestia doesn’t say a thing for a moment, before she takes a deep breath and delves into her story. "When I told you I created the ball of energy, I said it sucked the magic out of my room and it took all of my power to stop it, correct?" "Yeah," I nod. "The truth is, when the energy started being sucked out, it made the ball of energy more powerful, and much more unstable. The instability did not concern me at the moment it began happening… but what happened with the ball, well, that is a different story." "Why?” I scratch my head. “What happened with the ball?" "It created a portal,” she explains. “A highly volatile and unstable one, but a portal nonetheless. I used all of my magical powers to sustain it so that my surroundings would not be damaged, and it took me a lot of magic and skill, but I did manage to get it to manageable levels. “When I did that, it allowed me to look inside. And what I saw... it was truly a sight to behold." Celestia, if you were intending on making me curious, consider your goal accomplished. "What did you see?" "I saw your world. I don't know why, but for whatever reason, the portal chose to open up on the exact spot where you were. I saw many members of your species, and I observed their habits. I noticed that they would always wait in the same spots for a series of lights to turn red before a white symbol flashed, as a warning that crossing was safe, or authorized. I noted the objects you call 'cars' stopping whenever their respective lights turned red, and that they drove off when they turned green. “I watched for about twenty minutes, and ended up with a pretty good idea of the routine of that area." "That's very interesting," I interrupt, "but it still doesn't answer my question." "I'm getting there," she assures me. "I continued to observe the goings on of your species with great interest. You truly are an interesting people." "Celestia… what does this have to do with me?" I ask out of the irritation rising inside of me. Celestia sighs and begins nervously shuffling the papers on the desk. "Do you remember the accident that brought you here?" she asks without looking at me. "I was hit by a car. I’m pretty sure I'll remember that forever." "No, no you weren't," she says quietly. My jaw drops slightly. "What do you mean? I woke up after a four day coma with a ton of injuries: that sounds like getting hit by a car to me all right." The Princess looks back up. "The injuries you sustained were not caused by your collision with the car, TD… that collision never actually happened. When I saw the car speed towards you, I knew that if it collided with you it would cause great injury, maybe even death. I couldn't stand by and let that happen. “In the heat of the moment, I called upon the last reserves of my magic and attempted to pull you backwards, out of the way of the car. But, unfortunately, I used too much magic. I did not just pull you backwards… I pulled you through the portal by mistake." My jaw is practically on the floor by this point. My mind is a blank – I want to say something… but what on Earth can I say to this? Celestia sighs one more time before moving on. "The strain of pulling a being as large as yourself through an already unstable portal was far too much for it to handle. It collapsed. You were through by that point, lying unconscious on the ground. I would have tended to you right there and then… but what happened next prevented that. “When the portal collapsed it created an energy outflow that increased the air pressure. It began crushing you, TD; that's why you woke up with broken bones. I knew that you would die unless I took drastic action, so I did the only thing I could think of at that moment: I sent you to Ponyville. I didn't want you to cause a stir around Canterlot, so I sent you to a more remote part of Equestria, where my student could take care of you until I figured out what to do about it all." I continue to stare at Celestia. I don’t know what to think, or even what to feel. I wasn’t pulled in just because of a random portal, she pulled me in to avoid seeing me get hit by that car. She... she... Okay, TD, calm the heck down! I take a few deep breaths and ask the first question that comes to my mind. "Why didn't you just tell me when we first saw each other? Why this ‘random portal’ nonsense?" Celestia looked at me with sorrowful eyes that I don’t see. "I didn't tell you then because I didn't want Twilight to know about this kind of magic. I fear her curiosity would have led to her abusing it, or at least attempting an imitation… I didn’t want that to happen, it was almost uncontrollable when I myself did it. If I told her you coming here was a failure of mine, as opposed to a deliberate action that would have been viewed as a success by her, then she would not have tried to replicate it… exactly like, to my knowledge, she hasn't." By this point, my confusion is turning to anger at this mare. "So you kick her out of the room, talk to me in private later, order her to not try anything under threat of heavy punishment, do anything but what you did!” I yell. “You're the freaking immortal sun-goddess of Equestria, can't you keep tabs on your own student?!" Celestia doesn’t react to my outburst. "TD, I have my reasons for not letting Twilight know about what I did. Please respect them. I have known her far longer than you have." Ah yes, the 'I have the power, my motives are infallible' technique. Don't you just love it? That aside, how I got here really isn't as important as can I get home. I have to keep this on the right track. "Okay, so you brought me here to save my life, and you have your big mystic reasons for having lied to the Elements of Harmony and me when I first woke up,” I state as I pace around the room. “Fine, whatever, I really don’t care. What I care about is, can I go home now?" To my horror, Celestia doesn’t move a muscle. She doesn't even breathe for a moment. Oh no. "TD, from the very moment I came back to the castle after seeing you in the hospital, I've been trying to re-create the portal. Every time I do, I open up to another world, but I’m certain it’s not the one you belong to. In fifty-six attempts, never once have I found Earth again… and even if I have, I can't be sure I can find it for a third time." Oh no. "There's more," she plows on regardless of me. "I also began experimenting with sending things back through the portals I made. I had to be sure I could make it stable enough to send a living being through all the way to the end. But the results... weren't encouraging. From the small objects I started with, I have yet to progress beyond a roll of parchment. “Each and every time, the portal collapses whenever I try to push the object past about the halfway point. At best, it leaves me with half of whatever I tried to send through." "So…" My voice cracks and I have to clear my throat to continue. "So what you're saying is..." "I'm sorry, TD, but it is impossible for me to send you home. Even if I managed to find your Earth again, the journey would kill you." I am unable to register how hurt Celestia looks and sounds as she says those words. I can only stare at her for a few seconds before I turn around, twist the key on the lock, throw the door open and walk out of the room.