Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part 13
“Yeah!” Brucie screamed, flailing his arms from the couch of his penthouse. He pointed at the television. “Did you see that shit!?”
Roman bounced up and down. “I know! Those guys are a bunch of idiots!” He dropped his beer and it thudded down on the carpet, foaming out of the top. “Shit! I dropped my beer.”
The three of them sat on the couch within Brucie’s penthouse. The place was nice, so to speak. There was a couch big enough to seat four and television big enough to be in a theater. It was a joint operation, so the kitchen was off to the left of the couch, and a set of bedrooms to the right. It was small, but it was nice. It was also situated directly above an auto garage, but that wasn’t exactly an issue.
“Pinkie!” Roman yelled off towards the kitchen.
There was a resounding crash and the clatter of several pots. “Yeah?” she called.
“Could you get me another beer from the fridge?”
There was another crash and a zip, then the pink pony was in front of him, a white and blue can held in her mouth. Roman took it with a smile. “Thanks.” He tapped the top twice and pulled the tab. There was a crack and a hiss and the contents of the can spewed out like water from a geyser. Hurriedly, he tried to stop the flow with his mouth, but only managed in receiving a squirt of beer in his eye.
Niko held his hand up to avoid the spray of beer from the can. Brucie jumped up and pointed a rigid finger at Roman. “HA! Nice one, Pinkie!” He held out his hand in a gesture at a high-five to the pink pony.
Pinkie frowned. “What did I do?”
Roman coughed and wiped his face on one of the couch pillows. “You shook it up.”
Niko glared around the room, spotting everyone, and everypony but one. “Where is Sweetie belle?”
Applejack poked her hoof in the air from the other side of Brucie on the couch. “She’s under the couch.” She waved it away. “She’s still a little in shock. Don’t worry, she’ll be over it in a bit.”
“Hey, Brucie!” Rainbow yelled from the kitchen, she poked her head around the corner with a pot over her head. “Where do you keep that booze stuff. You know, the amber ones.”
Brucie blinked. “Whoa there, take it easy. You don’t want to start making mixed drinks until at least six o’clock.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes and trotted over to the couch, tossing the pot off her head. “I don’t think I’ve had this much fun in a long time.” She hopped up onto the couch and shoved Roman aside to sit between him and Niko.
Roman frowned. “Hey, I was sitting next to Niko.”
Rainbow glared at him for a minute, then snatched the beer out of his hand with her forehooves. “I want a drink of that.”
“Wha—” He gave up. “Whatever, it was half empty anyways. Pinkie, another beer, but don’t shake it this time.”
The pink pony made a quick salute, then dashed off back to the kitchen.
Niko found himself with little to do. There wasn’t much to be said at the moment and there was no need to say anything. He found it bizarre that drinking beer with colorful ponies from another dimension didn’t seem the least bit strange to him anymore. He looked over to Brucie, who was now having a rather interesting conversation with Applejack.
“So, you see, I’m at this bar right, and I see this smoking hot babe at the counter, so I go up to her, but she’s got like, all these other men around her, right?” He laughed and flexed his muscles. “So I walk up to her, and I’m all like, hey, do you want to see a real man, heh, you know?”
Applejack shook her head. “I ain’t followin’.”
“So these other guys are all like, hey, back off man, and I’m like, pshaw, yeah right! So this biker guy pulls out a knife and I take it from him and throw him into a wall, just as these two junkies land oh my back. So I’m all like, no way, so I grab them and throw them at these other guys who’re like—”
“Um, Brucie,” Applejack muttered, cutting him off. “Ah really wish ah knew what you were talking about.”
“Hey, Brucie,” Niko chipped in. “Tell her about your funny balls.”
Brucie jumped up. “I don’t have funny balls bro!”
Niko grinned and waved him away. A ringing filled the air and he pulled his phone from his pocket to check it. “Hello, Jacob.”
“Me berah aba wabba wabba smokin’ and drivin’ blah blah.”
“Whoa, hold on, Jacob, what do you mean?”
“Shabba alab blah blah blah rabbah bipidy bop brah brah Niko mon, an ah blip rammah hemp sha sha shoo be doo ramahah.”
He glared at the phone. “Yes, Jacob, I know that there is a giant portal in the statue.” He stood up and walked around behind the couch. “No I do not know.” He listened to Jacob as Rainbow jumped up and flew over the couch. She floated over to Brucie and poked him on the top of the head before darting away.
Brucie smacked himself on top of the head. “I think there’s a fly in here guys. Watch out.”
Niko’s eyes widened. “What, Jacob? What do you mean you are coming up?”
The elevator behind them dinged and the doors slid open. It was like some distorted scene from an alien movie as the Jamaican man stepped out of the elevator in a cloud of smoke produced from the rolled appendage sprouting from the tip of his mouth. He snapped the cell phone closed and looked around the apartment. “Tink ya can jus’ ditch me tha’ easy, Niko.” His eyes traveled to the rainbow pony floating in the air and the joint nearly fell out of his mouth. He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes, then put them back.
“Niko me bretha... you seen this?”
Pinkie shot out of the kitchen, literally jittering with excitement. “Ooh lookie, a new person! What’s his name? Who is he? Why is his face on fire? Do you like ponies too?” The rapidfire of questions was nearly unintelligible.
Niko rubbed his neck, trying to think of what to say. Brucie and Roman both looked at him expectantly. “Um... Hello, Jacob...” He reached up and grabbed Rainbow, who had been hovering beside and above him, and pulled her down to hover beside him. “This is Rainbow Dash.”
Jacob pulled the joint from his mouth and pointed it at the rainbow-colored pegasus. “That a flyin’ ranbow pony?” He pointed towards Applejack, who was peeking at him over the couch. “That a cowboy pony?”
“Remember last time I called you, and said I was in ponyland?” He spread his arms. “I was not joking.”
Jacob just blinked. “Yeh blowin’ me side’ays Niko.” He shook his head. “I came to say people is riotin’ San Andreas style down there, Niko. People gettin’ pulled in’a that portal.”
“Look, Jacob,” Roman intervened. “Right now, I do not care about big portal things. I am drinking a beer and watching cheesy American television with borderline nudity.”
Jacob shrugged. “Badman said I an’ I were lookin’t end o’the world.” He walked around and plopped down on the couch next to Applejack. “Pass me a beer me bretha.”
Pinkie Pie practically teleported to his side, still jittering. “Hey you what’s your name my name’s Pinkie Pie but you can just call me Pinkie because that’s what all my other friends do and if they do it you can do it too so—”
“Whoa ‘dere.” Jacob held a hand over her mouth. “Me ‘tink you need to breathe.” He pulled the joint from his mouth. “Here ra’, take a drag n’see breth.” He held it up to her.
“Do what?” she asked, cocking her head.
“Puch’ur mouth on it an’ a just take a deep breath.” He demonstrated, giving a sigh before letting out a long breath from his nose. “You trys it.” He held it out to her.
“Jacob,” Niko warned. “Maybe giving pony weed is not best idea.”
Jacob waved him away. “Nonsense bretha.” Skeptically, Pinkie took the roll and took a long, deep breath.
“You are not freaking out about ponies?” Niko asked Jacob with a frown.
“Ba.” Jacob waved his arm in a dismissive gesture. “Me seen crazier tings at ex parties.” He looked back and his eyes widened as over half of the paper burned away, leaving only ash. Hastily he pulled the monster roll away from her. “Whoa dere’, ye can’t jus’ go’an do the ‘ole thin’ ya’ firs’time.”
Pinkie coughed and hacked, smoke pouring from her nose and mouth. “Well, why not?”
“You fly ‘igher n’a kite mon.”
As they all watched, Pinkie’s jitters slowly subsided. After a moment, she looked around, eyes wide and bloodshot. “Whoa,” she whispered. “Have any of you ever just.. just stopped, and looked at colors before?” She giggled.
Jacob sat back and laughed. “You in for a wile’ ride me pony.”
Pinkie just grinned. “Heh... Cool.”
Niko clapped his hands. “Great, now we have buzzed Rainbow and stoned Pinkie. We should be doing something about portal, instead we are sitting in penthouse, getting messed up.”
Rainbow dropped down on the couch beside him. “Relax. Everything’s going to be fine. It’s not like anything bad’s going to happen in one day.” She closed her eyes and leaned back with a little sigh. “Just have some fun with things for once.”
“Alright,” he gruffed. “But I still feel like something is happening.”
* * *
“Undo those couplings or we’re gonna’ get pulled off the hill!”
The engine chugged heavily as it forced its way backwards up the hill. The cargo being pushed up behind it creaked and groaned as they rounded a bend.
Twilight took the driver’s words and ran to the back of the footplate. She pulled the release lever for the couplers and there was a click from below, just in time too. The middle car on the load behind them squealed as it was lifted up on one end from the weight of the train. The wheels on the engine slipped as the car caught the tracks and lifted into the air. It plunged sideways, pulling the other cars with it in a deafening clatter of steel and stone. The engine jerked as the first car was pulled out of the coupler, and it rocked on the rails.
“Sweet Celestia...” The driver looked on in awe. “I am so fired.”
The last car whipped over the edge and crashed down the hill, leaving only the engine. They had now stopped, halfway up the mountain on the way to Canterlot.
Twilight blushed. “Well, now we can go.” There was a resounding crash as the cargo hit the ground far below.
Both stallions in the cab with her gave her a dirty look. The driver reached back and racked an overhead lever forward. The engine gave a jerk and was off, running backwards up the hill. “We’ll be to Canterlot within the hour,” he gruffed.
Twilight let out a sigh and sat back, watching as the mountside flashed by. “I just don’t know what to do.” Celestia was gone, and so were half her friends. She was basically left with all of Equestria hanging around her head, and if Niko was right, and the city of Liberty really was as bad as he said it was, then they were in a lot of trouble.
Her ears perked at a peculiar sound from her bag. She frowned at the jazzy tune. “That’s odd.” She levitated out the contents of her bag, looking them over. After a moment, she found the source of the sound. It was one of those things Niko had had, a phone. She read the display, but made no sense of it, the text being in human. Thinking hard, she tried to recall how to work it. “That’s it!” she exclaimed, levitating it up beside her and flipping the device open. “Hello?”
“Hello, who is this?” Niko’s voice asked. “Brucie had me call his phone to see if he lost it in the couch.”
“It’s Twilight.” She blushed as the train ponies gave her strange looks.
“What are you doing with Brucie’s phone?”
She heard a voice in the background. “Nicky, who is it. Tell me who took my phone so I can pound the shit out of them, Brucie style.”
“It is Twilight,” Niko replied.
“Hey, Twilight,” said Pinkie in a calm voice. “How are you doing?”
“Pinkie... are you feeling— Nevermind.” She racked her brain. “Niko, things are getting really bad here. There are humans popping up everywhere and all of Ponyville is in chaos. I’m almost afraid to see if the same is for Canterlot.”
“What are we supposed to do?” Niko asked. “I do not know how to get back to where you are, and I have a bunch of ponies with me.”
She growled. “Well we have to think of something. If this goes on for much longer, things are going to get really nasty.”
“Somebody get me another drink!” Roman yelled in the background. “I’m dying of thirst here!”
“Make that two!” Rainbow yelled after him, her words followed by a hiccup.
“Um...” Niko hesitated. “We are not exactly in shape to come help.”
Twilight wanted to scream. “Well right now, I’m heading to the Canterlot archives to try and figure out all this nonsense. I need you to make this phone thing ring again in a few hours.”
“Right, Twilight, I— No, Brucie, you can not lift the couch!”
“Go, go, go, go!” Rainbow chanted.
“Woohoo,” said Pinkie duly.
“Wooo!” screamed Brucie. “Roman, I can’t lift the couch if your fat ass is on it!”
Niko muttered something in a foreign language. “Wait, brucie, no! Don’t—” The line went dead.
“Hello?” Twilight asked irritably. “Hello, Niko!?” She cried out in frustration and snapped the phone closed.
The two train ponies looked at her with mixed expressions. “Ah think she’s crazy,” one whispered.
“Shhh, don’t say that!” the other replied. “She could turn you into a frog or something. You see that magic of hers? She’s the one that banished that ursa.”
They both nodded to each other, then put on big, cheesy smiles.
Twilight hung her head. “Give me a break.”
* * *
The phone thudded to the carpet as Rainbow Dash tackled Niko to the floor, the battery that never dies popping out. “Gotch’ya!” the mare declared happily, pinning his shoulders.
Niko grabbed her around the middle and lifted her off him. “Why did you do that?”
She flailed her hooves in the air, beating her wings to try and pull away. “Let go of me!”
He held onto her tight as she pulled, lifting him an inch off the ground. “You have had too much to drink. I think it is time we stop.”
“No!” she yelled shooting upwards with a burst of strength. At that moment, Niko released her, and she shot up into the ceiling, smashing her head against the plaster. She fell back and landed on the carpet with a thud. Slowly, she sat up, eyes spinning. “What happened?”
Jacob took a long drag on the oversized joint in the corner of his mouth as Niko picked himself up. “Ye’ hit your head hard-like mon.”
Brucie stood in front of the couch, shirt off, punching at invisible people in the air. “Yeah! Woooo! now that’s what I’m talking about!”
“Where’s that beer!” Roman yelled from the couch.
Niko held his head. There was too much going on. As he watched, Rainbow had already managed to pick a fight with Applejack, and the two were now rolling around on the floor, biting at each other’s manes. Pinkie was staring at the television, her eyes wide and empty as orbs. And Sweetie Belle was still hiding under the couch.
There was a knock at the door. With a groan, Niko dodged around Brucie and tried not to step on Rainbow and Applejack. He crossed to the door and pulled it open. “Yes, what is—”
“Here’s your pizza,” said a lanky man with a beard, holding out two greasy boxes.
Niko glared back at the inhabitants of the room. “Who ordered pizza?”
“Wasn’t I!” yelled Jacob.
Roman stood up and approached Brucie. “Hey, Brucie, you have your wallet, cause—”
Brucie made a sound that may have resembled a battle cry, and spun, driving his fist in Roman’s face. Roman spun comically and went down.
“Brucie!” he cried from the floor. “What the fuck?”
“You got in my way bro!” Brucie said apologetically, helping Roman up.
The pizza guy blew his hair out of his eyes. “Look man, I’m not leaving until...” He looked over Niko’s shoulder. “Is that a flying pony attacking another pony?”
Niko shook his head. “No, they are Roman’s niece's cats.” The man’s eyes continued to look over his shoulders. “They have rabies.” With a groan, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. “Look,” he said suddenly, drawing the man’s attention.
The man looked at him dumbly. “What?”
Niko snatched the pizza away. “It is one hundred dollars!” He threw two fifties over the man’s shoulder and slammed the door in his face. Before he had even turned around, both boxes were gone, taken by Rainbow.
“What’re these?” she asked, opening one of the boxes as she flew back over to the couch. “Smells good.”
“Give me some!” Roman yelled, jumping for her. He managed to catch the top box, but Rainbow pulled away and it burst open, throwing pizza over the two. The half that hadn’t landed on Roman’s head sailed away and splatted against the television.
Niko threw his arms up in the air. “Screw this!” He stomped away to the kitchen and pulled open the cupboard over the fridge. Inside was a square bottle of amber liquid. He read the label and laughed. “Brucie Buys booze aged fifty years.” He shrugged and uncorked the bottle, taking a long swig. “This is going to be a long night.”
He left the kitchen and went back to the living room, bottle hanging at his side. “You know,” he said, walking back to the couch, where they had finally seemed to sort the pizza situation. “I try to be responsible one.” He flopped down on the couch and offered Rainbow a drink. “But I figured, screw it, we will save whatever needs saving later.” He took another drag on the bottle and stole a piece of pizza from Roman’s plate. “Twilight pony says Equestria is in big trouble, but instead, you all are getting drunk!”
“Hey!” Roman said angrily, glaring. “Don’t take my pizza.”
“You can do what you want.” Niko said impartially. He motioned for Rainbow to sit beside him. “But me and pony are going to get drunk as shit.”
“You know,” Roman muttered. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”
Applejack pushed herself off the couch, pulling Pinkie with her. “We’re all just gonna let you all be. Sweetie Belle?”
The white filly scuttled out from under the couch and ran to Applejack’s side. “Wow, someone with brains.”
“You can use the spare bedroom. “Brucie scraped the pizza off the television screen and onto a plate before returning to the couch.
Applejack looked at Rainbow expectantly. “You comin’ Rainbow Dash?”
“Pshaw!” She snatched the bottle away from Niko. “Are you kidding? I love these guys.”
Roman cracked a wide grin at Rainbow. “She’s awesome!”
Niko glared at him. “Back off, cousin! Rainbow is mine.”
Roman took a bite of pizza and washed it down with a swig of beer. “What the hell? Niko, you can’t just call dibs on a pony.”
Rainbow leered at him. “He just did.”
“What!?” Roman yelled. “Imagine how angry all those fanfiction people will be!”
“Yeah Nicky.” Brucie sat down beside Roman and grabbed up the television remote. “Everyone who isn’t insane loves Rainbow Dash. You can’t just call dibs on her all of a sudden.”
Niko sat back and closed his eyes. “Well screw the fiction people. I am calling dibs on Rainbow Dash.”
Brucie tugged at his collar. “I’m not so sure, Niko. I don’t think the readers are going to like that.”
Niko waved it away. “Screw the readers. This is my story, and Rainbow is my pony.” He patted her head.
Pinkie Pie poked her head out of hallway. “And I better not hear any complaining about how this chapter took six months to write!”