I’m sitting in a metal chair in the middle of a stark white room totally devoid of any other objects, silently watching the door before me. It was built to look like part of the wall, so it’s considerably hard to identify unless you already know where it is. No handles, no windows. There was only a small slot at the floor that opened up long enough to slide a plate of food into my cell when it’s meal time.
Earlier, they had told me that a doctor would be coming to talk with me. They, of course, being the bodiless voices that spoke to me through the intercom built into my cell. ...I have yet to find the speakers.
The door opened, and in stepped the doctor. He pushed another metal chair in front of him, which he stopped a few feet in front of me. After arranging it to his liking, he sat down and looked me in the eye. “Good morning, patient 42.”
“Good morning doctor,” I began, “And please, don’t call me a number. It’s degrading.”
“Alright, what would you prefer?”
“My name. My real name. Edward. Oh, and please do NOT call me Ed. I loathe that nickname.”
“Alright, Edward, how are you feeling today?”
“Bored, as always. Not exactly like I have much to do,” I continued, motioning to my empty surroundings.
“Mmm… So do you know why you are here?”
“Because you all don’t believe I am what I say I am, despite my appearance. You all think I’m delusional. That’s why you locked me up in the loony-bin, correct?”
“…More or less. But you see, what you were claiming before is impossible-”
“Then why are you here to ‘interview’ me, or whatever you want to call it?”
“I’m here to help.”
“HA! HAHAHAhahahahaaaaaaa… …Right, help me. That’s what the doctors always say. What you mean is that you are here to try and convince me that what I know is wrong, according to you. That, what I was claiming before is impossible.”
The doctor sat silently for a moment before continuing. “Well, I wouldn’t really say that-”
“Of course you wouldn’t.”
“-But for now, I am here to hear your story. To listen to what you have to say.”
I thought to myself silently for a second. “…Alright. Where would you like me to begin?”
“At the beginning,” the doctor continued as he pulled out a pen and notepad.
“Alright.” I clapped my hands together. “In the beginning, God created all of existence-”
“Patient- err… Edward, not that beginning. Perhaps one more relevant to you specifically?”
“Oh, that beginning,” I said with a sly grin. “You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…” The doctor’s expression was dead. “…You’re not any fun, you know that?”
“I’m not here to have fun.”
I sighed. “Fine, I’ll cut to the chase. It all started on the drive home one day…”
- - -
“I been in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time,” I sang with my car radio. It was about eight at night as I recall. It had been just another good day for me so far. Worked my shift as a bank teller, got my monthly paycheck, went to Burger King to buy some scrumptious Whoppers, and began the drive home.
“I had said the right thing, but I must have used the wrong line.” I turned onto the one-lane road that drove through my neighborhood and reduced my speed appropriately, keeping a close eye on the road to avoid hitting any animal that might be attempting a crossing.
“I been on the right trip, but I must have used the wrong car-” Suddenly a blinding light flashed in the middle of the road, causing me to shield my eyes and slam on the breaks. I heard the thud of something hitting my bumper overtop the screeching of my tires.
The car stopped a second later, giving me the chance to put the gear shifter into park and turn the radio off. It took a moment to rub the spots out of my eyes before I was able to open them. “Damnit,” I groaned, pain stabbing at my eye sockets, “What the heck was that?”
I looked around outside the front of my car before glancing up at my rearview mirror. In it, I noticed something outlined by my taillights in the road behind me. “What the…” As I looked harder, it began to look like an animal about the size of a dog.
“…Aw crap…”
I unbuckled my seatbelt and jumped out of the car as fast as I could. Once outside of my car, I looked back at the figure outlined and saw that it was clearly some kind of animal. I stared at it silently as dozens of bad scenarios flashed through my mind. It took me a moment to snap out of it and run back down the road towards it.
I couldn’t just hit some poor animal and leave it for dead. And even if it was already dead, I still couldn’t just leave it in the middle of the road for the next guy to come along and mangle it any further. A shiver ran down my mind at the sentiment.
I stopped within a few feet of the animal. The first thing I noticed was that it was obviously equine. Hooves, mane, tail, covered in fur, the whole bit. However it’s surprisingly small size meant it was some kind of pony. As I stepped closer I noticed some kind of brand on its flank, though it was hard to make out in the poor lighting of my taillights.
I ran my hands through my hair nervously as I glanced to the pastures on either side of the road. If this pony was branded, then surely it must belong to somebody. I could get in a lot of trouble for hitting somebody’s animal.
I could see the pony’s chest rising and falling as I knelt down beside it. It was a relief to see that I had not killed it, though whether it would live was yet to be seen. I knew for sure that I had hit it, so I had to find the injury and determine how severe it was. I looked over what I could without touching it starting at its back legs, which bore no apparent injuries. Upon a closer look at the brand, I thought I could make out a formation of stars.
As I conducted my search for injuries further, the only sign of a wound I found was a patch of matted hair in its mane, right next to its horn. Wait, what?!
It took me a second to comprehend the possibility that this was a real unicorn. Taking a closer look at the swirled horn, I could see that it merged seamlessly with the skin amongst the naturally parted mane. I fell back and stared at the unicorn in shock.
Of course. The first living, breathing unicorn anyone has ever seen, and I run over it with my car.
Freakin’ typical.
But wait… It was branded. Did someone own it? Was it a part of some kind of secret unicorn farm for the government?! Had unicorns actually existed all this time, and I was just kept in the dark?!? Why was I asking so many pointless questions when there was a unicorn lying in front of me with a head wound from where I hit it with my car?!?!
I scrambled back up on my knees and bent over to examine the wound closer. I touched the matted section of the mane delicately, and found it to be sopping wet. Even though my hand was already red from the taillight’s glow, I didn’t need a color to tell me what that liquid was. Knowing I had to act fast, I started making a plan.
I couldn’t help it here. I had no medical supplies. And even if I did; the middle of a road at night, an operation room does not make. I had to get it home, where it was clean. Well… clean-er. In any case, I had some medical supplies there that would go a long way in helping me with the wound.
I remembered I had some towels in my car that I kept for emergencies. I could wrap one around its head until I got home. It wasn’t the best idea, but it would have to do. After a quick trip to my car and back, I wrapped a white towel around the wound as gently as I could. I could worry about the stains later.
With the wound wrapped for the time being, I carefully reached my arms underneath its midsection and lifted it up as I stood. The first thing I noticed was how incredibly soft and plush-like it felt. If the situation were different, I might have given it a big ol’ hug.
Back at the car, I lay the unicorn on another towel I had spread across the seat. I made sure that it was all inside before I closed the car door. The last thing it needed was a door slammed on one of its legs. With the pony secure in the back seat, I got back in the driver’s seat. I didn’t bother with the seatbelt since I was only a few minutes from home.
With a click of the gear shifter, I put the car in drive and started forward cautiously. I knew I had to keep the unicorn as still as possible, lest I risk making the wound worse. It took no time at all to pass the three houses on the left and another cow pasture to the right. After that, the road narrowed and led to a mansion-sized house on the crest of a hill. If only I could live there…
Instead of driving the rest of the road-slash-driveway, I turned left onto a gravel road that weaved through a section of the woods. The aptly named ‘Green Tunnel,’ as I had come to know it. Not only was the road winding, but the rout was rather bumpy as well. I slowed down further and made my way through the woods, occasionally looking back to make sure the unicorn was remaining still.
It took only two or three minutes to make it through the green tunnel, but the next part was what concerned me the most. The road beside the last house and its front yard looked like a pair of meteors had rained down and left craters.
Slowing to a snail’s pace, I slowly let the front wheels dip into the first oversized pothole. The back wheels slipped in just as the front ones made it to the top of the other side. I repeated the process on the second crater. But since it was deeper than the first, the underside of my car scraped the lips a bit. I should really dig the edges out some time to avoid that…
Once past the craters, I could see my house across the empty field behind it. The ground sloped down in front of it and stretched out until it hit the lake. It makes for a simply gorgeous view in the morning when the sun comes up past the hills far beyond the lake. In fact, the view almost made up for the house being an L-shaped, single-story, three room lake cabin. …almost.
The gravel driveway kept to the edge of the field and stopped beside my house, as did I. Once the car came to a stop, I put it in park and turned the engine off. I got out and opened the back door, finding the unicorn exactly where I had put it. I wrapped the towel it was lying on around it and picked it up again. It was a bit difficult walking across the roots that stuck out of the path, courtesy of the small tree that had grown in the few feet between the road and my house, but I managed.
After a moment of struggling with the doorknob (it’s rather hard to turn with a pony in your arms) I managed to get the door open. Now where was I going to put this thing while I doctored its wound? Both the guest bedroom and my bedroom were out of the question, lest it start acting up and trashing the place. The back porch was a possibility, but the pony had a better chance at breaking out and running off out there.
…Which left me with the bathroom. Now that I thought about it, the bathtub would be the easiest place to clean if I doctored it there. I hadn’t been able to take a bath in it for years anyway; not since I got to be too tall to fit.
With my destination set, I turned and went straight to the bathroom. Thankfully the door was cracked, so I nudged it open with my knee and stepped inside. I gently lay the towel-wrapped unicorn into the tub and went to the medicine cabinet. I grabbed a roll of bandages, a bottle of peroxide, a few Q-tips, and a cotton pad before closing the cabinet. I placed another towel across the toilet seat before spreading the medical supplies across it. With the rudimentary operation scene set up, I got on my knees and leaned over the edge of the bathtub.
As I was unwrapping the unicorn I noticed yet another fact about it. It was purple! I had not noticed before due to a combination of poor lighting and a bit of panic, but there it was. A purple unicorn pony. It wasn’t one-eyed and I had no idea if it flew, so I didn’t have to worry about if it was a people eater.
But seriously; now wasn’t a good time for jokes.
I shook myself from the funny thought and set to work dipping a Q-tip in peroxide. After all, the first step in treating an injury is to make sure the wound is clean. I carefully parted the unicorn’s hair, revealing the bloody wound. Upon seeing the wound for the first time, I removed my hand from its hair and balanced the Q-tip down on the peroxide bottle’s lid. There was too much blood caked around the wound to clearly see how bad it was.
I reached behind myself and grabbed a plastic cup I kept by the sink. After moving it below the tub’s faucet I turned the warm water on and filled it up. Once the cup was full I turned the water off and spread the unicorn’s hair again. I paused for a moment, realizing that unless I had knocked this thing into a coma (which I sincerely hoped I hadn’t), then it would probably wake up at the application of water to its open wound. But in either case it had to be done, so I braced for whatever might happen and poured the water.
The instant that the warm water made contact, the unicorn’s (unnaturally) large eyes shot open and began darting around. Then its eyes met mine. I pulled my hand away and barely avoided dropping the entire cup on its head when it pulled away from me and pushed itself against the side of the tub to try and get away. Now, I sometimes get a worried look from adults, or even fearful glances from children at my job, but I suppose those looks are only natural for a six-foot ten giant such as me. Even so, never before had I seen any animal or human as utterly afraid as that unicorn when it woke up.
I slowly set the cup on the toweled toilet seat with the other supplies and raised my hands in a defensive manner. “Eeaasy now, eeeaasy,” I began in a cautious manner, as if I would to a human in the situation. The unicorn’s eyes widened even further and its pupils shrank to about the size of ping-pong balls.
“Just take it easy, alright? I need to treat your wounds.” I picked the cup of warm water back up, watching as the unicorn’s eyes darted between it and my face. The expressions in this thing’s body language were so vivid, I could almost read its emotions like a book. And Right now it was on the ‘unbridled fear’ chapter.
“Easy…” I cautiously moved the cup closer, staying alert in case this thing tried to bite me. “Have to clean the wound…” Its pupils dilated slightly and its slack jaw began to close, so I gently parted its hair for a third time before pouring more water over the wound.
It hissed slightly in pain and jerked its head back. “Hey,” I said with a touch of seriousness in my tone. “I said take it easy. If you go jerkin’ your head around while I’m doing this it might make the wound worse.” No doubt this thing didn’t even know what I was saying, but I still had to try, I guess.
Its mouth finally closed the rest of the way and its eyes returned to their normal (?) size. While the panic was still there, I could also make out a hint of sadness in its eyes, as if to say it was sorry. It moved its head back to my hands. “Alright, that’s better.”
I poured the rest of the water across the wound, revealing it to be nothing more than a large whelp with a medium sized cut across it. Hopefully it was nothing too serious in terms of this thing’s biology. After setting the empty cup down, I picked the Q-tip back up and brought it to the cut.
The unicorn winced in pain at initial contact, as would anyone, so I pulled it back briefly before dabbing the cut again. All the while I was cleaning the wound, the unicorn held its eyes shut and scrunched its mouth. Once done with cleaning the wound, I tossed the Q-tip into the trash bin beneath the sink. The most difficult part was behind us now.
The unicorn watched as I spread a touch of green-salve across one of the gauze pads I had gotten. My mother had convinced me when I was little that green-salve was something of a miracle solvent that healed wounds faster, so I had always used it for band-aids and other such bandages.
Once I had a decent amount of green-salve on the gauze pad, I, once again, parted the unicorn’s hair gently to grant me access to the wound. The unicorn scrunched its face in preparation for pain, but none came. It opened one eye cautiously, and then the other before looking up to the pad I was holding on the wound. Knowing the feeling of green-salve, there was probably a cool, numbing sensation spreading across the wound.
Unfortunately for me, unrolling the gauze-wrap was proving to be rather difficult with my left hand occupied in holding the pad on the wound. As I was fumbling with the wrap, I suddenly felt something unfamiliar on my other hand. I nearly jumped as I spun around to find that the unicorn had moved one of its hooves up to my hand.
My eye twitched slightly. Wasn’t it kind of, I don’t know, impossible for an animal’s limbs to move that way? And besides, what could it be doing that for? Surely it wasn’t intelligent enough to understand what I was doing to try to help it. …right?
A few seconds of awkward silence passed. “You, uh…” I blinked. “Y-you got it?” The unicorn nodded slowly, making sure not to shift the pad. “Uh… o-ok then, I guess…” Its hoof took my hand’s place as I pulled it away. Damn, this was getting really, really weird.
Now with both hands at my disposal, I was able to unroll a good stretch of gauss-wrap and cut it from the roll. The unicorn removed its hoof as I applied the bandage to it and began wrapping it around its head. With a small stretch of tape to make sure the gauss would not unwrap, the job was about as done as I could get it with the supplies I had.
I looked at my watch. Ten-a-clock already? Sheesh, I guess time flies when you’re medically treating a fairy tale creature. I stood up and put the medical supplies back in their respective places before tossing the toilet seat towel up on top on the shelf of towels. I would wash it and the others later.
I turned back to the unicorn as it continued staring at me with its massive eyes. “You, uh… You can sleep in here I guess. I think the wound will have a better chance of healing if you don’t get too active.” It looked over the edge of the tub at the plastic, white tiled floor, and then it looked back up to me with a very un-amused expression plastered on its face. At least it wasn’t scared out of its skin anymore.
“Sorry,” I concluded with a shrug. After all, it would be a lot simpler to clean up if/when this thing decided to do its ‘business’. That’s what bathrooms were for, after all.
I closed the door behind me and walked left to my bedroom. It was only now that I realized just how tired I seemed to be, causing my legs to buckle slightly. I opened the bedroom door and closed it behind me before falling face-first into the soft stack of mattresses and covers. “Man, what a day,” I managed to mumble through the covers before falling into a deep sleep, filled with bizarre dreams of magical ponies, star wars, and exploding turtles.